Raising the Stakes: The Contest Continues

("Seal Chillin' Wednesday Style," by Erik K)

As I mentioned yesterday, I like when people pay attention to my blog. And when it comes to attention, there's nobody who pays more of it to my blog than the Opinionated Cyclist. Beloved by some, reviled by others, and ignored by all but a few, the OC is in a constant state of evolution. Having re-invented himself as a lip-sync act, he's no longer especially opinionated, nor does he really discuss cycling anymore. In that sense, he's outgrown his moniker, much in the way bands like Sonic Youth and Metallica have. (Sonic Youth haven't been "youthful" since the 80s, and Metallica haven't been "metal" since before Glenn Danzig autographed my ticket stub.) But this only makes the OC more compelling and enigmatic, as I'm sure you'll agree should you choose to watch this video, in which he performs Poison's "Unskinny Bop:"

It's worth pointing out that the OC's lack of celebrity is merely an accident of context and geography. If he were to relocate to Williamsburg, Brooklyn he'd become famous almost overnight. After all, he's slight of build, he makes lo-fi movies of himself, he rides an old crappy 10-speed, and he's obsessed with the worst cultural detritus of the 1980s. These are qualities that are highly prized among the hipsterim, and I have no doubt that he'd be hosting a monthly film festival, fronting a Britny Fox cover band, and on the cover New York Magazine within six months of signing the lease on his apartment in Bushwick East Williamsburg.

Moving on, I have some good news and some bad news with regard to The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club). The bad news is that the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club has withdrawn its support as a fictional presenting sponsor. As such, I've been forced to begin the hunt for new pretend support, and am currently in make-believe talks with Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend.

The good news is that the winner of The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (tentatively and fictionally presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend) may receive yet another prize. That's right, in addition to:

The pie plate (but not the cravat);


The beer cozy and elk's tooth fun pack (courtesy of Stevil "Stevil" Kinevil of HTATBL and GWCTOH);

And the smock (if you want it);


...you may also receive a Fyxomatosis chainring, courtesy of Fyxomatosis!

Yep you read that right. (Or, if you can't read, whoever's reading this out loud to you read right.) The very bounty that Fyxomatosis put on my head can now be yours for parodying them! I don't know how it happened, but somehow this contest has collapsed under the weight of its own irony. All I do know is that Andy of Fyxomatosis is indeed serious. (He must like attention too.) I also know that the chainring is available in 130 and 144bcd (but not 135bcd, despite saying "brev" on it like a Campy ring does), that Andy is offering it completely of his own volition, and that it is perhaps the finest website-themed chainring money can buy--at least until I "drop" my own BSNYC/RTMS chainring, the "Vadrivetrain Dentata." (Ultra-rare 132bcd size only, choice of "raw" or "shaven" finish.)

At any rate, not only is this contest collapsing under the weight of its own irony, but I'm also collapsing under the stress of running a contest. (Frankly, I don't know how Fat Cyclist does it. And his contests are sincere to boot!) As such, I'm going to set a firm date for the contest's conclusion, and that date is very soon-ish. In the meantime, here are some more entries, which continue to come in from around the world:


This photo comes from none other than esteemed commenter Leroy, and is one in a touching series featuring a somewhat naive, Billy Mumphry-esque trainer making its way around New York City. Here we find it in Times Square. It's become very fashionable to speak negatively of the new Times Square, which since the Giuliani days has become "Disneyfied." Personally, I don't understand this. The only thing New York City lost when Times Square got cleaned up was yet another place to masturbate publicly, and there are still plenty of crappy areas in the five boroughs--trust me on that one. Then again, the old Times Square would have made an ideal backdrop for this photo, since it would have been easy to imagine the trainer getting pick-pocketed, or hustled by a con man, or being forced to spend the night in an X-rated movie theater due to lack of funds. Maybe the trainer would even be forced to turn tricks. I can see it taking a few bucks from a desperate roadie for some quick intervals in an alleyway or something. (In that case, the roadie would be more of a "Fred" than a "John.")


Speaking of hustling, here's another compelling shot from another reader. Note the secure locking job. This one's also part of a series:

As you can see, it's a series that goes horribly awry.

Moving from hams to gams, this photo is part of yet another sultry series called "Training to be a Fyxo Model:"

"Fresh Hot Cakes" indeed. Wisely, our model is training on a cyclocross bike before moving on to a track bike. Not only is this a smart bike choice for foul weather (it is winter after all), but the chainline shot is also a crucial one in track bike porn so it's a good idea to practice staring down one on a geared bike first. That way, you can vary the chainline to find your sexiest angle.

Here's another tasty dish, all the way from Italy:

Pros: wide-range cassette and quick-release seatpost clamp are decidedly un-tracky.
Cons: whole thing not slathered in marinara sauce.

Finally, here's a boudoir shot all the way from Romania:

The under-the-saddle shot is the up-the-skirt shot of bike porn.

However, when it comes to perversity, it doesn't get much more perverse than using a Chris King headset on a scooter:

This photo, forwarded by a reader, isn't even a submission for the Fyxomatosis contest, but if it were it would certainly be a contender for the grand prize. Certainly it's not uncommon to see bicycles on which one component is worth more than the rest of the bike. However, this is something else entirely. I'd actually like a wider shot of the room; I'm guessing he may also be using a King headset for his threadless doorknob setup.

Or maybe it does get more perverse. Another reader has sent me this:

I'm not sure what's going on here, but it appears to be some sort of amphibious 70s porno sex recumbent. I think this may have been a "collabo" between PPV and Boston Whaler. I'm not sure what's under that fairing, but I'm guessing it's not wearing pants.