Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Contests and Con-Tests: Men Behind Curtains

I awoke this morning from dreams of dancing Modolo Morphos shifters and fauns playing delightful tunes in the Swiss alps on flutes made from BMC carbon nanotubes only to make a horrible discovery. It appears that the website Fyxomatosis has placed some kind of fatwa on me. (Or, since it is a fixed-gear website, I guess it's more like a fixtwa.)


Alas, I should have known it would come to this. I must say I was disappointed that all they're offering is a chainring and a t-shirt, though. Not that I think I'm worth more than a chainring or a t-shirt, but it would be nice if the chainring was at least ramped and pinned. At the same time, though, I'll also admit to being a bit flattered. I haven't had a Bounty on my head since middle school, when I committed the faux-pas of arriving at Brett Lipschultz's Bar Mitzvah sans yarmulke and had to improvise with a piece of paper towel.

Anyway, I suppose this means I should "defend" myself somehow. And as any road racer knows, you should always answer an attack with a counter-attack. Granted, I usually just sit at the back and yell "Close that gap!," but not this time. If you've ever visited Fyxomatosis, you know that it features highly stylized, sometimes tongue-in-cheek, and often quasi-sexual photographs of bikes, as evidenced by this Colnago crotch shot:



Well, I'm prepared to offer a pie plate to the reader who submits the best Fyxomatosis parody photograph. It should be an actual photograph (not a photoshop) and it should be in the Fyxomatosis style, which is basically high-class bike porn. Special consideration will be given to submissions that include human models. Here's the pie plate, so you know I'm not lying:



As you can see, I'm too disgusted by the pie plate to even touch it, so I'm handling it with my Rapha silk cravat. (My Rapha silk cravat has come in very handy for handling things I don't want to touch.) By the way, here's the chainring Fyxomatosis is offering:


Chainring or pie plate? You decide. (By the way, if you win, I'll even include a smock with the pie plate if you want one.)

Speaking of bike porn, a reader has sent me this disturbing video, which includes perhaps the most boring example of fixed-gear freestyling I've ever seen:

The reader surmised that the rider was attempting to copulate with his bike, but to me it simply evokes a baby chimp clinging lovingly to its mother. This video was apparently taken at the Milan premiere of something called the "Council of Doom," which turns out to be another one of these fixed-gear movies, like MASH and Macaframa. (At first I confused them with the "Minyan of Disorder," which was the name of the Jewish hair metal band that played at Brett Lipschultz's Bar Mitzvah.) Intrigued, I checked out the trailer for the film, which contains lots of dandily-dressed fellows doing those elephant trunk skids in picturesque settings. Like this one:

And this one:


And this one:



But it's not all teabags on riser bars when the Council gets together. These guys also ride hard, as you can tell by this guy, who has ridden hard enough to incur a hurtie owie boo-boo on his footsie-tootsy:

I only hope the guy in the pink shirt who looks like Zach Galifianakis gave it a big kiss.

I've long struggled to figure out what drives this compulsion to film the act of bike-riding and make it look more dangerous than it really is, and I think I've finally figured it out: it's music. Specifically, it's the advent of portable music players. See, it used to be inconvenient to listen to music on a bicycle. First, you had to carry a bulky portable cassette player. Then came portable CD players, but those were even bigger, and they skipped like crazy. But now that you've got devices like the Zune (and its Apple knockoff, the "iPod"), riding around with a soundtrack is easier than ever.

But this is dangerous--and not for the reasons you'd think. Sure, listening to loud music is risky because you can't hear traffic, but if you keep the volume low enough it is possible to both hear the music and the outside world. No, listening to music while riding in traffic is dangerous because it can make you delusional. When people add a soundtrack to their rides they can get a little too carried away with the fantasy and start riding outside their ability. First you're just riding along on your Pista, then some adrenaline-spiked song comes on your iPod, and next thing you know you're jumping in with a pack of strong roadies or something. But of course you can't hang, and soon you're slipping off the back of the pack like a koala trying to mount the greased hindquarters of a rhinoceros. And that's to say nothing of trying to beat that bus through the intersection.

The makers of these videos rely on the same effect--you'll notice these videos are always accompanied by aggressive music. This makes the riding seem outsized. However, the riding is generally a lot tamer than the music, and once you're aware of the smoke-and-mirrors effect a soundtrack can have often the effect is dispelled and you realize the only thing outsized are the egos. To that end, I've developed a litmus test that you can apply to any video in order to determine whether you're watching cutting-edge riding or just some guys parading the latest streetwear:

The BSNYC/RTMS Fixed-Gear Video Test

Step 1: Open the video to be tested in a new browser window. (In this case the "Council of Doom" trailer.)

Step 2: Pause the video and turn the volume on the video player all the way down.

Step 3: Open a second browser window and go here. Turn the volume on the player all the way up, play the video, and minimize the window.

Step 4: Return to the first window containing your test video, click play, and watch it with the new soundtrack.

I performed this test on the "Council of Doom" trailer myself, and was surprised to find not only that the riding looked a lot tamer but also that the new music actually fit better than the original soundtrack. It also worked great with the Macaframa stuff. However, I must confess that the Empire Begins trailer did pass my Fixed-Gear Video Test in that the new soundtrack didn't work as well as the original, though I suspected this was not due to the riding and was instead because of the New York City backdrop and its lack of palm trees and cleanliness. So I subjected it to further testing, substituting the music in Step 3 with this. Sure enough, the new soundtrack fit like a Knog love/hate glove. Just to be doubly certain, I also tried it with this, which also worked uncannily well.

Indeed, I have seen the man behind the curtain, and that man is Nell Carter.

166 comments:

WheelDancer said...

Yo

Strayhorn said...

Oh, I may have a photo or two to send you.

sprider said...

Podium

Bill said...

po......

Bill said...

like a koala trying to mount the greased hindquarters of a rhinoceros

genius

Anonymous said...

I cheated.

libertyonbikes! said...

non podium seeker

jo said...

grejtvånn

bike snob mpls said...

missed it by that much.....

Anonymous said...

The awesomeness abounds with the fyxyhalitosis challenge. Further down they show it side by side with a Campy track ring. Bad idea. You can see just how POOR their teeth are cut and how GOOD the Campy's are.
Still, congrats on making it large on the other side of the globe and hemisphere! I'd recommend going into hiding but you already have that covered.

Jerry said...

ten minutes off... so close

Anonymous said...

overpriced all
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/bik/945538859.html

kale said...

False start!

Commiecanuk said...

Snobbie..this officially makes you the Salmon Rushdie of bloggers.

Trust no one.

ULAHULAHULAHULAH!!!

dmitri fofonov said...

We in Kasakhastan are to annex Illinois as new province. Behavior of government something we are proud. Votes can be invented but money always speaks with accurate.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

bk jimmy said...

You shouldn't have posted that disturbing image of the bloodied foot. You took away my bike joy.

Anonymous said...

yes!! that is what I want to see...love them "tweaked" colnago frames.

Anonymous said...

woogie woogie

mr.complaint said...

How much could I get for a Vampy chainring on CraigslistNYC? 100£ maybe?

Considering the economy, hmmmmm.....

Der Blaue Reiter said...

Bikesnob litmus test is pure brilliance! Watch out for that Fatwah!

My first submission to the contest is A bukkake shot!

Der Blaue Reiter said...

Hey Commie, what happened to poor Rushdie? I like that guy!

ant1 said...

Reiter - nice pic

Lucky said...

Wow! The BSNYC/RTMS Fixed-Gear Video Test turned a whole new light on "Roam". I kept expecting the boys to kiss/smile candidly at one another/high five respective to the music in the background. It works on all bike vids!

A plastic pie plate? Meh.
Steel is real.
Ante up if you want the goods.

Anonymous said...

Woot! woot!

red neckerson said...

so one night me jimmy bob joe bob billy bob and ricky was real drunk and im talking mean drunk and we decided wed run over the first person we saw but it was 3 am and there werent no one out so we decided to all go home and we stopped to let ricky out first and when he gots out we ran over him

ricky was pissed at first but when he gots out of the hospital he thot is was pretty funny

ricky knows hot to take a joke

libertyonbikes! said...

could you insert the 'send me an angel' dance scene from RAD? or the bike dance scene from QUICKSILVER? fixed gear freestyle brings 'I'm so excited' from the pointer sisters to mind, or the "maniac" scene from TOMMY BOY.
As cool and fashionable as MJ's
one glove.... at least they ride,
or do they rock?

Ante Up said...

Ante1st!

Anonymous said...

i ride my fixed gear daily in nyc an am ashamed having watched the bike copulation scene. no wonder the cycling world hates us... that's the gayest shit i've ever seen. they should grow a pair of stones and ride bmx.

wishiwasmerckx said...

"My Rapha silk cravat has come in very handy for handling things I don't want to touch." That explains the stains.

ant1 said...

Does anyone know where I can find a stem with an integrated rubber vagina? As some of you may know, I'm building up my first fixie, and I can't seem to find one anywhere. I see hip fixters use them all the time, and, judging by the sheer number of them, I doubt they're all homemade.

Anonymous said...

Snob-

You should put a "Not Safe For Anywhere" tag on that "Council Of Doom" video link. Boring is not even close to what that video is.

8+ minutes of life I'll never get back.

Anonymous said...

Ant1, I have a rubber butthole stem you can use, I think it pretty much feels the same.

Tim K. said...

Snob

Brilliant. Fixtwa made my day. Can that be turned around to use AGAINST fixters too?

Tex said...

So Celine Dion is the new Liza Minnelli! Who knew? Snob, you are a genius.

Ka_Jun said...

Mahahahahaha...it's ON!

ant1 said...

anon 1:37 - If I ever decide to to build up a tri bike, I'll hit you up on that offer.
I hope I don't offend anyone by suggesting tris are a lifestyle choice rather than something you're born into.

specialrider said...

NELL CRTR

Lucky said...

Shocking!

I just hacked into the fixymytosis adminstration access only bike porn archive by using the Contra unlimited lives code during loading... and found this:

http://lh3.ggpht.com/_v3IrfieQJ1M/STwIl7ennLI/AAAAAAAACyQ/Tww2XaRibMU/thetemppile.jpg?imgmax=800

Confiscate those hard drives!

Anonymous said...

get real! Roscoe is a swell guy? Roscoe is a rocker? come on! the guy is a dweeb!! a wannabee! just a plain wanker! and he looks like Steven King...how scary is that?

Ed said...

Wow! The "Dion Test" stands true, like a blinded lady justice, holding the scales of fate... Although I do not own a "fixy" the allure of it has begun to reveal itself to me. Not many athletics lend themselves to the body type of the "spindly middle-class white boy with glasses, a couple tattoos, and unique music taste" (which I happen to fit into). This is not to say that "fixy" riding isn't challenging. But we should respect the choices of these young men in their valiant efforts as the march off into the sunset... blinded by the setting sun... falling off the cliffs of fate into the gorge of trendiness like lemmings. Although I must say... they are all probably cooler than me.

libertyonbikes! said...

see if there's any suitable bike porn you want to clip from my flickr page......
libertyonbikes
or through the libertyonbikes.blogspot

put it at the end of your list
to do......

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Council of Doom workse pretty well with this soundtrack, too. Almost exactly the right length.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QTXyXuqfBLA

Anonymous said...

the true bike porn is Portland, OR's Reverend Phil's bike smut (www.bikesmut.com). ah yeah. the rest of this so called "bike porn" is for children.... it's like looking at Playboy when you really want Hustler.

Slappy said...

Snob, if you feel you need any kind of protection during this time I'd be happy to offer my services.

Ti( * )( * )ies said...

Its been a while since I have taken the pulse of the FGF scene. Apparently it is scheduled to merge with yoga some time around the 2nd quarter of '09. This is indeed unexpected, yet some how very fitting.

Anonymous said...

Ant1, my understanding is that the males born later into large families often become triatheletes.

grog said...

Pie plate will prevent hurtie owie boo-boo on the footsie-tootsy.

Anonymous said...

These people ride their bikes...in TRAFFIC? Wow. Maybe I should film myself walking to the subway and not crossing in the crosswalk.

Great entry, not sure the videos were worth it.

Cognorant said...

Lucky--

That's funny

ant1 said...

anon 2:25 - Good thing I'm a first born. Thanks for the expertise.

Gnarles Darwin said...

That colnago shot is like bike sex ed.

Bluenoser said...

Hey Snob,

As much as you don't want to be a leader, it sounds like you might need to put together a team. You know then you could have some domestiques to go out there and cover those attacks while you talk over some moves with your team manager.

Prolly would be a good manager. He could also radio you as to when it would be good for one of the domestiques to bring you up the chicken suit from the team car and stuff.

Just a suggestion.

-B

Cognorant said...

So I watched about 30 seconds of that "Council of Doom" video.....holy shit that's boring. Really? I used to ride around doing things like that when I was 10.(early 70's fyi). But then something happened....I grew up! I guess it's more productive than playing video games but seriously, it's about as interesting as watching someone play video games

Anonymous said...

That leg-over bar skid is called "skidouche"

Polygraf said...

If your identity is revealed you should buy a bmc and piss off Dr. Octavious by riding around central park saying your name is really roscoe( p. coltrane), I think you've given him his 15 min.
'Gimme a break' Nell Carter?

Linda said...

The schmata looks interesting.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, will the Bike Dick from yesterday double as your personal security detail?

Bluenoser said...

Snob,

I see Slappy should be on your team. Or would like to be.

Have you considered Michael Ball as a director or sponsor. I bet nobody would fool with you with one of his jerseys on.

-B

dk said...

Bikesnob,

The problem with using Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" in the Fixed-Gear Video Test is that, as with any fixed-gear freestylin' jam session, elephant trunking will invariably occur. This coupled with the Titanic theme song will pull at your heart strings as you recall Rose leaning over the bow clutched in Jack's loving arms. You can't be expected to be any sort of objectionable with your emotions all stirred up like that.

May I recommend "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQemvyyJ--g) instead?

samh said...

I too find the Fixed Gear Film audio replacement test a smashing idea and wonderfully reminiscent of the "Send Me an Angel" scene from the movie Rad.

Jim said...

When the Council of Doom meets, do they get takeout from the Chinese Delivery Place of Death, and then wash the excess Mu Shu sauce off their hands in the Bathroom of Destruction? Do they get the meeting agenda copied at the Kinkos of Armageddon, and use the Powerpoint Projector of the Apocalypse? Are the minutes written in flaming letters on red-hot brimstone? Because if their meeting isn't as epic as their name, I'd be inclined to throw that video down the Recyling Bin of Oblivion and just stick to reading Bicycling to keep up with the latest developments.

Anonymous said...

Are you sure that's a Colnago? I would've sworn there'd be a lot more hair....

Daddo said...

"...I committed the faux-pas of arriving at Brett Lipschultz's Bar Mitzvah sans yarmulke and had to improvise with a piece of paper towel"
THAT WAS YOU!????!!!

Snob - I was at that Bar Mitvah (remember, just before the band broke into "Miss You", the singer pointed to my Jewfro and said, "You want to hear Rolling Stones, don't you?") I know who you are. From now on you ride for me...please start sending me 75% of your podium winnings or I'll turn you loose to Fixmytosis and the world!

Never mind how little that will turn out to be - I do it for the power.

Bluenoser said...

I'm going with jim for council, P/R for the team.

-B

Bluenoser said...

He knows big words.

-B

Frey said...

Nice. I could use a new pie plate and an extra smock. What's the time frame for photo submissions? I need the weather to cooperate for my ideal shot, but don't want to miss a deadline.

ant1 said...

Can I be a lowly domestique? I'm french, so it'd be quite fitting.

bikesgonewild said...

..."council of doomed to be skidouches"...

...& snob, you have defined the litmus test for fix gear vids...

...beware fyxomatosis...those low quality auzzie chainrings can be turned against you as deadly ninja throwing stars by the bsnyc/rtms "elite palace guard"...

...fixtwa indeed, ya outback 'roo baggers...andy pandy already said the sheila in the red dress that fronts yer website puts out for guys w/ gears...so there !!!...

...just sayin'...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Frey,

I don't like deadlines. Let's treat it organically. We'll know the winner when we see it.

--BSNYC

Kurt said...

RTMS, no way I'm watching that cack douchebag elephant schlong vid, just like I avoid those whack OpCyc vids. That dude is messed up.

All this pub from LA and VN is giving you a case of the stalkers, and now you have a price on your head (not that anyone would want such a POS chainring).

Can martyrdom be far behind? Watch your back, yo.

Toxteth said...

Can we use grapes as background for our photo or has that idea already been done?

I can't think of anything else to use.

Anonymous said...

I was going to unleash my ire on fyxomatosis as well, but then found their touching work as wedding photographers. However, I was quite saddened at the complete absence of fixies and/or knuckle tattoos in the ceremony (HIZB ITCH for the bride, perhaps?). That said, I found the photographs moving, heartfelt, and showing people with a surprizingly high level of personal hygine for thier chosen lifestyle. By the way, I recommend leaving Celine Dion playing in the background while you view the album, as it heightens the outpouring of love and sweetness you will feel.
http://www.fyxomatosis.com/gallery.php?gal=25

dangerbunny said...

Fyxomatosis is gonna be disappointed when he finds out BSNYC is none other than his mother.

Wipeout said...

ant1, Re: integrated rubber vagina. Just duct tape a fleshlight to the stem and boff away. Comes in different colors (the light that is) and sizes. Feels like a real vagina!

Happy riding.

ice cube said...

I put some Cannibal Corpse and A.C. to me cutting hair. It is so intense when I put the blow drying in slow motion to hammer smashed face!!

ant1 said...

Wipeout, thanks for the tip!

Courtney said...

It seems to me that fixedgear freestylers are just not able to ride very far or very fast so they have to be able to do something. Maybe they need e-zip power assit bikes so they can keep up with a group. besides e-zips drive from both sides of the hub so you can have 2 pie plates...

brett said...

i too am offering a reward for the head of BSNYC/RTMS. normally i am a huge fan, but you went way over the line by posting celine dion without any kind of "not safe for work" or "may cause blindness" warning. next time use something velvety smooth (velveeta-y?) like barry manilow.

kale said...

I'm turning myself in, Harvey Dent-style.

50t, here I come!

-TRTMS

Critical Ass said...

Personally, I like to watch FGF videos with this song

Wade said...

the council of doom video is as unremarkable as the videos of that urban European jumping and leaping sport where disenfranchised youths sprint and then hurl themselves over a fence or wall or public sculpture. although sometimes they do impress with several story free falling descents from a housing project down to a squat industrial structure.

so now that there's a fixtwa out on you, do you think you'll make a surprise appearance on letterman or dump your dearest for an exotic model? will your blog posts contain as many subplots as Tom Jones?

leroy said...

Dear Fyxomatosis:

I AM BIKE SNOB NYC!

Note to all others:

As you will no doubt recognize, I have activated the Bike Snob NYC Anonymity Protection Protocol.

Each one of us should immediately post:

"I AM BIKE SNOB NYC!"

The Anonymity Protection Protocol is based on the ending of "Spartacus."

You know, where each member of the army of former Roman slaves announces "I am Spartacus" in order to conceal the identity of the real Spartacus.

Oh I know what you're thinking, that didn't work out so well for those folks.

But in some sense, wasn't each slave casting off the yoke of Roman oppression his own Spartacus?

And in a similar sense, aren't we each our own Bike Snob -- or at least wish we we had thought of that Bounty on one's head line?

So please....

Each one of you, stand up (or remain seated if you prefer) and post:

"I AM BIKE SNOB NYC!"

And, if you're in the neighborhood, it wouldn't hurt to ride/rock/sport a few laps in Prospect Park while wearing a moisture wicking chicken suit.

Hope really is the thing with feathers.

ant1 said...

CA - Why? Can't you just let sleeping dogs lie? It's probably been 10 years since I was last aware of the existence of that song. Those were a good ten years.

ant1 said...

I AM SNOBACUS!

red neckerson said...

do you think them fixies will ever have those cool dura-ass wireless shifters installed

Anonymous said...

So...apparently Mr. Fyxcomatose was unable to find any attractive young women actually capable of riding the bikes--or he (she?) is not so good at taking photographs of moving objects?

Weak.

Anonymous said...

....or Tye from Sacramento says:

The "Council of Doom"/Titanic theme combo is as amazing as the Wizard of Oz/Dark side of the Moon combo.
The lameness of the film sincs up with the lameness of the music perfectly.
I'm sure highschool kids all over the nation will soon be smoking pot and playing the two together.

jonathan said...

"I AM BIKE SNOB NYC!"

not rly lolz

fwiw, i got one of those cycle underground chainrings (sans brev.fyxomatosis engravings) for a 3rd of the price. its good. not campy quality, but it does the trick on my daily hack/pub bike.

kthxbye

Dan Webster said...

Hi-frickin-larious stuff!!

Johnny Sprocket said...

Roscoe should grow up and stop whingeing.. sheeesh!

And when grown men, some with beards even, take over a skate park and push the kids out, it's time to give it up. You really want to do tricks, go get a skateboard and a Suicidals t-shirt and go hardcore like we did in the 80's!!

Oh.. and I am BikeSnobNYC

Russ said...

Does it really matter what chainring you run on a fixed gear? Seriously? I've had some no-name ring (not to mention the same KMC chain) on my Pista for something like four years with no ill effects.

Well, except for not being cool.

I've actually been meaning to swap out the chain for precautionary purposes but keep putting it off.

Bluenoser said...

ant1,

There has to be someone on the team from France or the French press will be screaming and they'll be piss testing Snob to death.

Lance thinks he has it bad. The WADA guys will be milking Snob like a Holstein.

-B

smovlov said...

who the F is gonna rat out snob for a knockoff chainring and a crappy t shirt?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Russ,

You can "run" any chainring, but you can only "rock" boutique ones.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

I have it on good authority the bsnyc will be special guest cyclist at tonight's roller race at the Irish Rogue with Christian Vande Velde.

bikesgonewild said...

...'i am bikesnob nyc'...

...stand & be counted, brothers & sisters...

Andy Pandy said...

Not every road racer counters and attacks…. CE counters with a millimeter perfect wheel suck.

And koalas are too stoned on eucalyptus leaves to mount anything, and wedge themselves in trees to stop themselves from falling down. But drop bears and the Bundy Bear are completely propositions and will hump anything that moves.

So Leroy you like gladiator movies huh. I am Russell Crowe/ Maximus Aerilus so watch out or I will punch you out with a telephone for just looking at me. Take that fixie – myxomatosis

kale said...

If you watch videos to this or this, you're probably trying to be ironic, and not litmus testing.

Plus... I found that this, went well with the ground sequence.

chris said...

amazing! underneath all the hype, fashion and "indie music" all fixters are nothing but grown children with wanderlust and a longing to do it with a chubby chick in the back of a ford model t!

leroy said...

Andy Pandy --

I assume you are referring to Captain Oveur's memorable line from the classic movie "Airplane":

"So Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

http://tinyurl.com/5uvw76

In any event, please join the Anonymity Protection Protocol by posting

"I AM BIKE SNOB NYC!"

Of course, there's no reason why BSNYC can't be Russell Crowe also.

I mean other than his penchant for riding on the side walk in Beverly Hills with Mexican take out.

http://tinyurl.com/6gbzj9

Cl. Mustard said...

Looking for BSNYC: ask any of the sugarplum faeries in the Magical Gumdrop Forest, 11218.

They know his whereabouts...

Watch out for the unicorns though, they're horny.

Andy Pandy said...

Joey, did ya ever hang around a gymnasium?

I AM BSNYC, but when I am wasted I am Russell Crowe

Chaucer said...

He axe this bille for a baillif anon,
for Jewerye sake nedelees and wanton.
I be thee whytch ye
highte Byke Snobbe!

frilly said...

I AM BIKE SNOB NYC!

Russ said...

IMBSNYC

RideMyGiantHUH? said...

Snobbie, you cease to amaze!!!

aka I am BSNYC!

Anonymous said...

BSNYC
As an Astrayan I'm real sorry about Fiximatosis (btw - it's a disease that kills rabbits). he's from Melbourne which is like Cleveland without the classy.

sprider said...

As long as we're all Airplane crazy today;

"Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle; it's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes."

I am BSNYC

Lance Aremstrong said...

I am Lance Armstrong...

...baby!

Andy Pandy said...

Frills , try as you will I do not think you are going to pull off your impersionation unless you stop adding that provocative glimpse of thigh

Oscar Baracaldo said...

I gotta say...

That was quite borring.

And I'm not one to be a dick...

kale said...

Who is bikesnob-nyc

Old, but probably as close as anyone will ever get to BSNYC. One good clue is that none of the suspects were wearing helmets.

Gnarles Darwin said...

I am BIKE SNOB NYC.

and I want you on my team.

anon 2:11 said...

i am bsnyc

red neckerson said...

well i aint bikesnob for damm sure

Anonymous said...

1st

uptonsinclairlewiscarroll said...

Okay, I just played that Council of Doom vid with its audio turned all the way down AND its video minimized while simultaneously watching a DVD of the Wizard of Oz with its sound turned all the way up. It's UNCANNY!!!

frilly said...

better?

Lord Batu said...

Now this was actually funny.
I am not Bike Snob NYC.
There is something really fucking stupid about fast music withnon moving bicycles. I am glad I didn't get past the first fucking trick?

uptonsinclairlewiscarroll said...

Unfortunately my next-door neighbors were playing Dark Side of the Moon REALLY LOUD so it was kinda hard to hear the dialogue.

Snobstalker said...

Kale, thanks for the link.

bikesgonewild said...

...deny, deny, deny...well, that clinches it for me...
...red neckerson IS bikesnob !!!...

urchin said...

I am, um, bikesnobNYC.

welcome back, frilly underpants pic.


oops. oh well. I'll have to break out my hip bruise pic...

Popeye the Sailor said...

Eye yam wot Eye yam, and wot Eye yam is Bikesnob. NYC.

cyclotourist said...

IAMB SNYC

yonk said...

Oh, yes. I am Bike Snob.

Anonymous said...

Gold from start to finish. Except the Council of Doom trailer. Sh!t from start to finish. These guys are frustrated BMX freestyle riders, plain and simple.

Anonymous said...

very very funny. getting better with each posting, i am afraid to report... i am getting jealous...

welshcyclist said...

Listening to music while riding? I find it hard enough as it is, I'm too engrossed in what is going on around me. The last two rides I've taken I've hit ice and been slapped to the ground, result bad shoulder and knee, off work for a week. How do you guys cycle when there's ice about?

Anonymous said...

The thing that struck me about the Council of Doom movie was that there was only one example of freestyling that looked sensible at all - the guy on the geared mountain bike at the skate park. There's something about coasting that just makes too much sense.

131st!

Daddo said...

most of us ride AROUND the ice.
give it a try.

Sam Clifford said...

These guys just got a mention in Australian Cyclist for their Melburn-Roobaix race. It's couriers getting from one point to the other by whatever means they can, as ironically as they can. I hate to imagine that this is what foreigners think of the Australian cycling scene. We don't all import American inner city fixter culture.

Awesome Sound said...

Russ & Snobbie,

There is actually a difference between low-quality, knock-off boutique chainrings and high-quality ($$$) track chainrings - primarily, the track chainrings are machined to a much-higher precision to be completely round, so that there is no "vertical" wobble to the chain and the pedal stroke is as smooth as can be. IN fact, most high-quality road chainrings are not necessarily "round" enough to minimize losses when used as a fixed-gear ring.

I learned all of this recently from the dudes at Harris, man do I love that place. Every time I go in there, I walk out with another gem of bike knowledge.

Anonymous said...

Q: What do Awesome Sound's chainring and girlfriend have in common?

A: They're both missing a couple of teeth.

kale said...

Awesome Sound-

http://sheldonbrown.com/biopace.html

I would be too afraid to try this myself... but WWSD?

Anonymous said...

Q: What do Awesome Sound's chain and his girlfriend have in common?

A: They're both loose and squeeky.

Anonymous said...

I was BSNYC. When I was younger. I think fixie-halitosis stinks.

Anonymous said...

Q: What do Fixamatiousixs and Fyxamistosis' bike have in common?

A: They both can take a 27.2mm x 330mm seat post.

Awesome Sound said...

Julich used to rock/run elliptical chainrings, and I think there are still a couple more in the pro ranks. Not sure I am willing to give it a go, but the idea does make sense. Sheldon sure seems to give it a ringing endorsement.

kale said...

... but he said 42x21, which may have worked for his famous suplesse tactics.

Anonymous said...

those elephantine slides with celine dion's vocals almost brought me to tears.

Anonymous said...

Near...
Far...
Wherever you are...

BTW... why would you ride in traffic when there are bike lanes?

Anonymous 12:03 said...

Isn't Nell Carter a woman?

shmaltz herring said...

I'm Bike Snob and so is my wife.

The Opineionated Cyclist said...

I am Bike Snob.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I guess there is a little Bike Snob in each of us. And I mean that figuratively, not literally.

Cru Jones said...

Wanna go ass-sliding?

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...glad you cleared that up...
...mighta brought a whole new perspective to all those snob-baticals otherwise...

wishiwasmerckx said...

There was a question on my Biology class final:
Compare and contrast fyxomatosis and phagocytosis.
I don't think that I did very well.

bikesgonewild said...

...sounds like they were trying to insult yer intelligence...
...why don't they just come out & ask "what's the difference between bitches n' sluts ???"...

...life could be so much easier...

Anonymous said...

that music test was used to great effect on a snowboard video - instead of hip hop the music was... "send me an angel" from RAD! and it still worked.

was the bike with the green rims in that boring video the AYHSMB bike?

Anonymous said...

It will forever strike me as ridiculously ironic that these fixed gear kids are being dumped on by a pack of guys who regularly go out in public dressed like this...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_HvH2jVG3dEs/Ri_-zWjHL0I/AAAAAAAAASQ/68lVGKnRk8I/s1600/red_bike_shorts_1.jpg

...and then take themselves really, really seriously. Maybe it's just me...?

Anonymous said...

Fixed the link...

Anonymous said...

The bit about the portable music on bikes is spot on. I, too, shake my head in disgust seeing riders making sketchy moves in traffic with earbuds noticeably dangling downward.

totalchaud said...

IAMB SNYC ?

Anonymous said...

they're the same person

haven't you seen fight club

Contest-Gal said...

Great thing they can do those things.In my case I can't do it because even driving a bike I don't know:)

Anonymous said...

This is way too late. However this would not be the first time fixamatosis got outgunned in the bike porn stakes. He held an exhibition of chix n bikes in Melbourne and another punter replaced one of his racey images on the opening night with a slightly more pornographic image of chick n bike. Funny as hell.

Seth said...

Dang. Footage of a sweet park like that makes me want to go skate. At least tricks on a skateboard are cool. I bet the mongo pushers are happy to have some of the abuse they take redirected at those xtreem fixie riders.

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