Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Putting It Away: Storing Bikes and Storing Calories

In many ways, my holiday recess was unremarkable.  As I do every year, I constructed my seasonal altar, which consists of a rotating dais atop which I place a Christmas tree, a Menorah, a Kwanzaa kinara, a Festivus pole, and a few Hanukkah bushes which serve as underbrush and give the whole thing that lush, bucolic feel.  Then, I put on my favorite holiday-themed album: Twisted Sister's "A Twisted Christmas."  By this point the air in my home is so thick with seasonal spirit that it's enough to make you choke.  (The cloying stench from the "Glistening Snow" Glade Plug-Ins I place in every single household outlet also help.)  Since I can hardly breathe, I then use an electric air pump to inflate the pool, which I fill with egg nog.  Finally, my friends, family, and loved ones (this amounts to two people) arrive for the traditional nog wrestling.  The whole thing's over by 8:30, leaving the rest of the evening free for me to clean up and watch Werner Herzog movies ("Aguirre, the Wrath of God" is my "It's a Wonderful Life") while consuming the rest of the egg nog.

But in one crucial way, this year was much different than years past, because I got a present:



I plan to share this present with you in the coming days, but right now I'm still sitting under the shadow of my Holi-dais in my pajamas amidst the various packing materials and making "vroom-vroom" noises like a child who's just opened a gleaming new toy fire truck.

Speaking of bizarre behavior, it would appear that VeloNews technical editor Lennard Zinn has finally gone crazy:


Protecting stored bikes

Dear Lennard,
I am storing two of my three high end bikes for the winter months (a 
2008 Cervelo SLC-SL and a Specialized Tarmac SL). The third I 
will be letting the Northeastern winter weather take its toll on 
while continuing to ride in the elements.

Is it prudent to apply a light 
sheen/coat of some type of oil or wax to the bikes — saddle, tires, chain, the carbon, the works — before storing them? My main 
goal is to preserve their bright color and shine, prevent 
rust and oxidation, and keep the tires from cracking and/or dry rot. Also, these bikes are stored hanging from the wall by their saddles.
Neither is over 15 pounds; both hang with their front ends maybe one and a half feet lower than the rear. Does
this put any undue strain on the frames?
Maurice

Dear Maurice,
If I had your concerns, I would cover the frame, fork, saddle, tires and bar tape with 303 ProtectantThat will protect the leather, rubber and clear coat. For the metal parts, I guess you could put oil all over them, but it seems like it will be gummy with dust next spring. I'd be more inclined to use soft car wax. And don't worry about hanging the bike by the wheels; it won't hurt your frame.
Lennard


Lennard's advice to Maurice on winter bike storage is irresponsible at best, and potentially fatal at worst.  First of all, Maurice does not specify the make and model of the third bicycle he will continue to ride this winter, but no matter what it is if you're going to make a sacrificial lamb of any bicycle in your fleet you should always choose the Specialized.  Pampering a Tarmac over the winter is like putting a two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper in your wine cellar.

Secondly, everybody knows you should never hang a bicycle by its wheels.  The bicycle wheel is one of the universe's greatest mysteries.  It is a rolling paradox and a structure that defies the very laws of physics.  While it is perfectly capable of carrying both bicycle and rider over all types of surfaces*, it will fail catastrophically if used to support the weight of the bicycle alone in a hanging scenario.  If you must hang your bicycle, suspend it by the frame only using fishing line.  Be sure to use multiple lines anchored at various points of the frame, and make sure the bicycle itself is completely level, as the slightest tilt can allow lubricants to collect and pool at the bicycle's lowest point.

*Unless it's a pre-built wheel from Mavic, in which case it will explode.

Also, it is essential that the wheels are kept turning constantly, since if they aren't the bearings will dry out and seize.  I am working on a motorized wheel turner specifically for this purpose, but until then the best thing to do is keep a high-powered fan trained on the bike at all times.  This will slowly turn the wheels, and will also keep dust from alighting on the bicycle.  (Dust is not only unsightly, but it can also destroy your bicycle's finish, which is why bike mechanics refer to it as "the silent killer.")  This will also obviate the use of any waxes or oils, which can eat through your carbon fiber frame over time.  (You should also never use oil and wax on your chain, since it can erode your chain stay.  Instead, you should only lube the chain of your carbon fiber bicycle with powdered graphite.)  To prevent tire dry rot, spray them with water every three days.  Use a spray bottle set to "mist."  Be sure to carefully dry the rest of the bicycle with a piece of soft cloth immediately after spraying to prevent corrosion.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, make sure to work your way through the gears at least once a week.  Failing to do so can cause the cables and derailleurs to seize.  Moreover, while not in use you should always keep the drivetrain in the small/small combo, as this places the least amount of tension on the derailleur springs.  Allowing the derailleurs to rest for prolonged periods in any other position will wear them out prematurely.

Sure, all of this is much more time-consuming than actually riding the bike, but anybody who's ever simply left a bike in a corner for a couple of months knows that it's no way to store a bike and that it will collapse upon itself in short order.

But when it comes to collapsing, there's one thing that isn't collapsing at all, and that's the fixed-gear trend.  Indeed, the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is still a long way off, since a reader informs me that Seattle's alternative weekly The Stranger has pronounced the fixed-gear trend dead:

Everybody knows that the opinions expressed in alternative weeklies are worth the price of the papers themselves, and since these alternative weeklies are generally free then their opinions are worth nothing.  Furthermore, The Stranger obviously doesn't do much fact-checking, because if they did they'd know that the people responsible for the fixed-gear fad generally don't ride their bikes at all; instead, they customize them and pose with them for photographs.  I mean, all they have to do is look at "Rain City Fix," which was made right in their backyard!  Just take a look at the video.  I doubt anybody broke a sweat, much less a bone.

Then again, it's entirely possible that The Stranger is being ironic.  After all, it is an alternative paper, and irony is the new sincerity.  Just ask Cadel Evans, who's apparently "dropped" a new ironic energy bar, a picture of which was forwarded to me by a reader:


This energy bar is as packed full of irony as it is nutrients, since it shows Cadel wearing the yellow jersey next to the word "Winners."  (Though in fairness to Cadel the packaging probably depicts his 2006 Tour de Romandie win and not some imaginary overall Tour de France victory.)  I wanted to learn more about Cadel's foray into food, so I employed a popular search engine, which led me to this:



Cadel raises the bar

RECENTLY returned to Oz and now hanging out in Barwon Heads with his wife Chiara, Cadel Evans continues to explore methods of gaining an edge on his rivals before his fifth Tour de France in 2009. Earlier this year he was keen to join forces with a company specialising in nutrition so he could learn more about it. Before he could say "yellow jersey", Winners, a Richmond-based mob that has previously teamed up with Collingwood, offered Evans the chance to help out with an energy bar recipe. And so it came to pass that "Cadel's Mountain Mix" hit shelves of major Australian supermarkets complete with Evans' head on it. Email correspondence between Evans (while he was still competing this year and based in Europe) and the manufacturer led to a creation of oats, cranberries, currents and peanuts. The addition of the nuts (full of revastrol they tell us) is being called "interesting" by the bar manufacturers. It came about after some French research showed that mice supplemented with revastrol were found to have energy-charged muscles, low heart rates and could run twice as far as mice that were not supplemented.

Frankly, I'm not impressed.  Firstly, if the French really want to see some fast mice, they should give them drugs, not peanuts.  Secondly, Cadel's energy bar only has four measly ingredients.  Thirdly, it's cruel to perform tests on mice, even if those tests simply involve feeding them peanuts.  My food product, on the other hand, isn't tested on any animals, and it also has a whole paragraph full of crap in it.  Yes, that's right.  It is my distinct pleasure to announce my new BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance:



The BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance is gloppy in consistency, which means it's halfway between a food and a beverage.  You can keep it in your water bottle (thin it with olive oil for best results) or in your jersey pocket, whichever you prefer.  (Squeeze packets will be available.)  My substance will give you the energy you need to stay right in the bloated middle of the pack.  And speaking of bloated middles, just check out these ingredients:


Ingredients: Water, cream, parmesan and romano cheese (part-skim milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes), butter (cream, salt), soybean oil, modified corn starch, sherry wine, enzyme modified egg yolks, salt, sugar, whey (milk), autolyzed yeast extract, disodium phosphate, xanthan gum, garlic powder, spices, natural flavors.

As you can see, the BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance contains everything you need to get you through that grand tour, charity ride, or morning commute.  It sticks to your ribs like Cadel sticks to the wheel in front of him.  It also goes great with linguine, and even makes a fantastic tire sealant.  

Lastly, before I run off to play with my new present, I'd like to remind you one last time that tomorrow marks the deadline for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend.)  I'll be back tomorrow to share the latest submissions with you, and to wish you a very meh-rry new year.

93 comments:

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!

jza said...

coming in hot!!!

Anonymous said...

Just missed it!

Critical Ass said...

Ass1st

Critical Ass said...

Snob,

Who knew that squirrel monkeys were such good swimmers?

Anonymous said...

top ten... and a happy new year to you!

Critical Ass said...

My dog just "dropped" a new energy bar in the back yard. The raw ingredients used to make it had a maximum of 12% crude fiber.

Vino said...

always a brides maid, never a bride.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten?

Anonymous said...

all you haters suck my cheese balls

Anonymous said...

"Fun Run" episode of The Office - Michael used BSNYC Energy Substance with disastrous results. Ended up looking sadder than Hincapie with a broken handlebar...

rod said...

hey, my grandson is sitting here making vroom vroom sounds while playing with his new firetruck.

i'm hearing spooky music, kinda like twilight zone theme-ish.

weird.

wishiwasmerckx said...

May I presume that the reverse of the BSNYC energy drink container says "Bertolini's Alfredo Sauce?"

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, did you fill your Ace Hardware pool with official Zabriske/Chipotle eggnog, or did you go generic?

red neckerson said...

POHO MOFO

Slappy said...

Welcome back can't wait to see the photo contest winners!

Anonymous said...

What's RTMS?

Commiecanuk said...

Welcome back!

Winterizing bikes is simple with a few easy steps:

1. Remove chain and place in a container of pure argon gas buried three metres under ground covered by garlic and the blood of a gay rabbit.

2. Re-vulcanize your tires monthly, Zinn has instruction how to do this with your oven.

3. For steel frames, drain your swimming pool and refill with 500 gallons of 5W20 synthetic oil, then submerge the entire bike, failure to do this will cause the frame to crumble to dust like a vampire in Phoenix at high noon.

4. For aluminum frames, I recommend an annual re-anodizing, as per Zinn's instructions, failure to do this will cause the owner to have a stuck caps on button and type CATASTROPHIC on bikeforums repeatedly.

5. For Crabon fiber, nothing to be done, maintenance free, as they will just crack anyway.

Good to see BSNYC in the energy drink business, why should Lance Armstrong have all the money? FRS is a potent energy drink and anti-depressive:
"...I need something to help keep me going in between Olsen sisters" -L.A.

Of course, I've now started my own energy drink company after selling off my highly successful asterisk business. "Commie's Own" energy supplement has been studied at the DeVry Institute of sports Medicine and contains a proprietary mix of:

carbohydrates
sugars
sweetners
fructose
glucose
corn syrup
and meerkat semen.

The only trick to the production was finding enough fresh meerkat porn. Thank god for Al Gore's internet.

Anonymous said...

So I went to the Rain City site because I couldn't remember who that was and instantly realized it was the photo shoot. I started reading the quote they have there:

"If anything good is going to come out of the current fixed-gear customization fad, it's going to be that more and more people are going to learn how to build their own bikes to suit their riding styles, and consequently bicycles will become more neatly integrated into their lives..."

and thought "wow, these guys might spend a lot of time taking silly pictures of them and their bikes, but they do make a good point." Then I realized they were quoting you!

Commiecanuk said...

by the way, the new energy bar is just one of many new Cadel Evans food products coming out this spring.

I highly recommend the tangy "Cadel's Wheel Sucking" barbecue sauce. Yum.

Pop Richmond said...

Maurice specifically said that he hangs his bikes by the saddles, to which Lennard replied "don't worry about hanging the bike by the wheels; it won't hurt your frame."

Does that sound threatening to anyone else?

brettok said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brettok said...

You should never hang your 'fixie' by it's Aerospoke, because doing so means you own a piece of shit and are almost certainly a tattooed douchebag. Hang yourself instead.

Mental Yentl said...

Oysh, I vas playink mahjong wid mine friend Zelda while listening to some nice Jews like Barbra, Neil Diamond and Steve Lawrence sing goyishe seasonal songs and I said how I miss mine little Snobala and I look and he has come back from his break! Back in de old days I used to train mine hamster to toin da vheels on deh bike for me in deh off season and not to vorry, deh hamster vas fed so well. I should eat so good. And I hope Cadel knows he should use vhite clam sauce in his bars, not deh nuts and such. Oysh.

Jim said...

Don't forget the other great Cadel Food Products.

Cadel's Own Grow-Your-Own Sunflowers - Plant these seeds in the spring and watch 'em grow. They're sport yellow floweration in July, but only briefly.

Dr. Hieronymous Cadel's Patented Milquetoast Melba Biscuits for Sufferers of Indigestion and Irritable Bowel Syndrome - "Don't worry! They'll never give you an attack!"

Cadel's Own Lemon Juice - tastes sweet, but secretly it's more bitter than you'll ever know!

Cadel's Australian Chiraz-in-a-Box - Comes in 1000 pound boxes. A ton of wineing.

Sorghummies - the Breakfast of (Almost) Champions.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, Seattle has alot of fixsters, but they actually ride. See, Seattle has no public transit to speak of, I mean who rides the bus, really? Most the bikes you see on the street are someones main form of transportation.

The stranger is flamboyantly gay, unabashedly ironic, but they really are looking out for bike riders in the city. Sorry, this city, we all know "the city" only refers to nyc.
Here are a couple of bicycle articles they've published.
Fixie rider killed by truck

City tearing down BMX trails

frilly said...

Snobbie, What's wrong with Specialized?

Not that I own one, yet. I was looking at the Roubaix.

ramster said...

first!

Anonymous said...

There is nothing "wrong" with specialized. They are like Hondas. Good, but nothing to get excited about. It's just funny when people treat there Special ed like it's something special, just like when poeple think their civic deserves bi-weekly detailing.

bikesgonewild said...

...***unsolicited testimony***...

..."to whom it may concern:-- thank you, sir &/or madam...i received my bottle of 'bsnyc/rtms energy substance' as a christmas/ hanukkah/ kwanzaa/ festivus gift...
...wishing to ride over the holidays & yet being out of dz nutz i substituted yer product as a chamois creme w/ the greatest results...
...smoothly applicable w/ a delightfully gloppy texture, 'bsnyc/rtms energy substance' was all i had hoped for & more...
...i did not see 'viagra' listed in the ingredients but let's just say, once applied i had a lot of "sustained energy" in certain parts of my anatomy, if you know what i mean & i think you do...
...let's just say, the festivus pole was, well, you get the picture...
...anyway...i doubt that a whole pouch full of that little wallaby, cadel evan's 'energy bars' has nearly the punch, no matter what they did for a bunch of lycra-clad french mice...

...so, in closing, to paraphrase paul hogan or hulk hogan or whoever that "shrimp on the barbie" 'crocodile dundee' fella is..."that's not an energy bar, mate...now THIS is an energy bar/substance"
...

...hoping my testimony can be used in yer advertisements & wishing you the greatest success w/ yer new product...
...sincerely, yer happy customer,
bikesgonewild...

Anonymous said...

whenever i read something stupid on the internet about bikes, i can always count on you.
that high-end guy is just ridiculous

Anonymous said...

Awhhh...back to the more demure podium pic....I can see '08 going out on a somber note...I guess it's justified.

bikesgonewild said...

...ant1st !!!...

...lest we get carried away about this 'podium' thingy...

Jason Pearlman said...

I'm waiting for Riccardo Ricco, Stephan schumacher, Leonardo Piepoli, and Emmanuelle Sella to get together and start thier own energy supplement business. I wouldn't need to train anymore, just ingest/inject thier "Winners" product, show up on race day, and win like I was effortlessly gliding up an Alpine peak.

Wade said...

I'm storing, unoiled and unwaxed and unhung, my 1986 Cannondale road bike along with my 1987 Kuwahara mountain bike in a gangway and taking to the perilous and dicey NYC winter streets with my circa very late 20th Century Rock Hopper which I intend on hosing down in early March when I remount the milk crate.

frilly said...

anon 2:54--not to worry, you haven't seen my car.

anon 3:00--just bought a bunch new frillies at the VS after-Christmas sale.

bikesgonewild said...

...oh & btw, jim...

...were i to receive an "unsolicited" box full of those other delightful "cadel evans" products you mentioned, well there just might be a few more "unsolicited testimonials" posted here...

...i recognize "high end" when i see it...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

I look forward to the VS review. Might I be so forward as to suggest a Frilly-of-the-month type initiative. Once a month, on a date of your choosing, to drop an image. Not an imperative, but a niceity to enliven the heart and boost the imagination. Your choice...Anyway much obliged dear....

Hannah said...

Happy New Year, Snobby!

Jim said...

Oh, you want testimonials? Sure.

"If you aren't using BSNYC Energy Substance, then you deserve to be dragged out to a field in Missouri, yelled at, and punched right square in the head, you non-bike handling *%&$ing jerk."
- Jonathan Baker

"I love BSNYC Energy Substance. It's so frickin' good, every time I eat it, I forget where I am, what time it is, where I'm supposed to be going, and what I'm doing. That's my story and I'm sticking to it."
- Jonathan Page

"Energy food sucks nowadays. It's loaded with drugs and much weaker than the energy food we used. Did I ever tell you, we used to just eat bear on the TdF? That's right. Bobke used to carry a whole black bear in his back pocket, one that he'd wrestled to death to amuse us at breakfast, and we'd all just tear a piece off and wash it down with the blood of a young orphan. Man, I could go for some fresh bear leg right now. Now where was I? Oh yes. BSNYC Energy Substance - it doesn't totally suck like most of the stuff nowadays."
- Greg Lemond

"BSNYC Energy Substance is the best stuff ever. It'll help you regrow testicles, or grow a third one if you already have two. Seriously. It's made me so damn virile, that I even make myself horny, and I'm now capable of impregnating women I barely know from clear across the room."
- Lance Armstrong

red neckerson said...

one day last summer some tri geeks past thru town training and stopped and ast us for some lube because there chains was squeeking and ricky sez wait a minute ill get some lube and he comes back with a jar that had bacon greese bull jism and a little bit of his own pee in it and they smeared it on the chains and when they came back two hours later they said it worked reel good and wanted to buy it and ricky said he dont have no more but they could order it off the net and its called dumass tech

then we laffed our ass off

bikesgonewild said...

...oh great...now pammie anderson & peta will be looking into the "lemond allegations"...

...lemond deserves to be investigated to find out if he's certifiable but bobke is obviously crazy enough as it is (in a delightfully interesting manner)...
...the pressure of past transgressions does this sport no good, sir...
...please desist...

Anonymous said...

You ever hit the next blog button at the top?
Here is where I got sent today
http://hemmahosalva.blogspot.com/

db said...

Hunh, remarkably similar to Alfredo sauce....

jorg da plummer said...

Doof da boofen ja!

Andy Pandy said...

Is it New Year yet????. Nope, back into my possum hole I go.

Knocking CD is a true Aussie sport and cheap international imitations should be avoided. Frills stay away from the Tarmac unless you want to spend more time on it and the Roubaix has a bumpy ride characteristic.

Lucky 7 said...

Winner bars! Now with peanutz!

Gives you all the thrust needed to slap fight with even the most touchy-feely photographers.


A

Anonymous said...

Top 50! That's a personal best!

Camp Cupboard said...

Holidays make me want to hit the sauce too.

red neckerson said...

one more thing befor i leaves the pubic libary and goes back to my trailer

rickys combo would make a good sport supplument

it gots

bacon greese - lots of energy stored up in that stuff

bull jism - high in protein i guess hell i dont know whats in that shit but i never heard no cow complain about it if you know what im saying

rickys pee - ricky is a diabetic so it gots lots of sugar in it and thats got to be good for you

ill call it canadian candy

frilly said...

AP, duly noted. Although I think the tarmac is a little out of my budget. What do you think of Giant?

Commiecanuk said...

Frilly, because it's Xmas and I believe in putting the 'mas' back in xmas... I will share a frame secret with you. Read quickly and burn your monitor, others close eyes:

THEY'RE ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME SHIT, AND THEY WON'T MAKE YOU ANY FASTER.

Lucky 7 said...

FUCK INGA

Thank you CC!!


A

Andy Pandy said...

Frills, Get the Commie to break into Cervelo and pinch a crabon frame from the reject pile and smuggle it over the border in a body cavity piece by piece . May need some goose grease on the bigger parts

frilly said...

cc--I'm just trying to avoid having the thing end up on craigslist in two months. Geez, I didn't worry this much about buying a car.

I like AP's idea. Commie, as Red might say, "Get lubed, you're going on a hunting expedition."

Pulverized Concepts said...

When I gave my Eskimo girlfriend a new wringer washing machine for Christmas, I told her to carefully hand dry and wax it after every use and by golly she did. Sold it for more than I paid shortly after she went crazy.

bikesgonewilde said...

Dear Bike Snob,
...I just love you so much... ...will you please mention me and my witty comments in an up-coming post?... I've tried so hard to make you love me... Can I please have a smock.. ?
Love,
bikesgonewilde

kale said...

I get the Marin thing. Just got back to NYC from Point Reyes - so many miles of beautifully winding roads, but nary a FG to be found. But I did get a first hand look at a tri geek doing what I interpreted as a wobbly mating dance in the signature sinusoidal 8 mph in full aero. If God ever designed a bike to have self pity, that Kuota would have been Elliot Smith.

sprider said...

Welcome back, Snobby, does this present-sharing thing involve food? Let's get this going quickly, I've got some resolutions to get to.

Frills,
I have to agree with Commie, for most of us the difference is negligible. Spend the money on the components, the frame choice is more about size than anything else. Get one that fits and you're all set.

bikesgonewild said...

...dear wannabe pretender...

...if you drank less beer, ate less food & put a little serious energy into yer bicycle riding rather than just owning cool bikes, yer fat bloated body would get yer sorry ass up the hills a little faster...then yer "bros" wouldn't have to wait so long for you...

...hey, how about a new years resolution ???...you're the one who'll benefit, right ???...

...& if bsnyc/rtms gives me a smock, i'll drop it by the shop...what r' you, xxxl ???...

...just sayin'...

nanook said...

energy bar from the frozen north: muktuk/whale blubber

leroy said...

And all this time I thought a high end bike meant the guy in front of you was climbing out of the saddle.

Honestly, the things you learn on the internet.

Frilly - I like the Roubaix. But what do I know.

theBeatnik said...

I've learned two things from your very informative article today:

1.) How to store my eight oso bikes during those hard, winter months.

2.) Apparently I've also been making my own brand of energy substance for years now, I just need to learn to market it effectively.

Anonymous said...

Lucky7- who's Inga?

Anonymous said...

http://midnightridazz.com/forums.php?topicId=6776&pgnum=1

Though you would like to check this rambling out.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone catch the penny farthing tattoo in the Rain City video? I did a screen capture here: http://www.sifakaphoto.com/pfar.jpg

Who gets a pfar tattoo (I mean besides the guy in the video ...)?

TiLer said...

i have that Alfredo sauce in my fridge right now...i think it is moldy.

Viajero said...

May 2009 bring an end to:
"dropped"
"just sayin"
"at the end of the day"
"amazing"
"it's all good"
energy substances
Cadel
Portland

Anonymous said...

also:
"X is the new X"

Commiecanuk said...

I vote for an end to:

knuckle tats

xxxst!

just sayin'

vertical compliance, which was for pussies anyway.

Anything to do with Lance Fucking Armstrong, his ball, his insemenations, and his bromance fans.

Andy, Frilly...sigh...alas, Cervelo is no longer a Canadian company, they have officially moved to pretentious Euro Twatland, also known as Switzerland, and manufacture completely in China. No Canadian hands touch a Cervelo, which is a good thing in from the land of Crashberries and Ford Windstars. Even prior to that, the factory was secret and populated by Canuk Oompa-lumpas who formed an oppressive union who billed $18M a year in Viagara and hookers to the health plan.

Commiecanuk said...

...and in the second greatest karmic wonder since GM going tits up, the new $4500 Swiss Cervelo S3 apparently doesn't fit most wheels, including the Mavic R-sys explodamatics. The chainstays rub the wheels on bikes built for heavier riders, the bread-and butta of the Cervelo empire.

Gnarles Darwin said...

My holiday favorite is "Aguirre the Wrath of Nog"

Lucky 7 said...

Anon 12:48,

Inga is what you're outta.

It was "Fucking A" in response to CC's claim that all bikes are pretty much the same shit. Of course, I wouldn't mind finding a sweet little Inga sans backhair. But your comment clearly exposes a lack of clarity in my nuck tat choice. Another one for the scrap pile. Now appearing with:

NUCK TATS

NOBR AINZ

LUKY SEVN

SCRP PILE

BEAV WOOD

HNY2 SNOB

PEAN UTSZ

WINN BARS

SLOP 2NDS

FAST ACTN

BLOG NERD

FUCK MORE
BTCH LESS


A

red neckerson said...

if you dont like the comments here then git yer own blog and censer the comment like all one or two of them if you want

damm some of you people aint got sense to pour rickys pee out of a boot is the instructions was writ on the heel

just sayin'

frilly said...

Hold up, A. Don't be so quick to get rid of FUCK MORE and BTCH LESS.

Sounds like a couple of good resolutions to me.

Anonymous said...

The key ingredient to any energy bar is currents. If they move the oceans, they can move you.

Jim said...

"Aguirre the Wrath of Nog"

Wasn't that a Warren Zevon song?

dave the dude said...

I can't believe you are having your energy substance made by Unilever. Haven't you ever heard that Chumbawamba song? They're like so evil!

Lucky 7 said...

Yup Frilly,

I'm going double-decker with the nuck tats.

FUCK MORE
BTCH LESS


A

Anonymous said...

bike snob, i have come to the conclusion that you are a nazi. thats right, i watched valkyrie today. and if you replace 'fixed gear' with 'international jewry' in your articles, i get the 'graphic novel' version of mein kampf.

i can picture you at some anti-fixed gear rally, arms pumping up and down with your fists together, making insult after insult against the 'conspiracy' of the 'stupid'.

you long for a 'strong' nation of 'pure' bicyclists, ones who enjoy pain and suffering, and from a young age have been reared to know that they must struggle, fight, and conquer, the 'lesser races' of bicyclists.

i have come to the conclusion that i like your blog, not because it's well written or funny, but because my ancestors were german, and we love fascism. we are all dr strangeloves, running around, trying to pretend that our virulent hatred of fixters, recumbent beards, racing stars, etc, is not some kind of politically correct substitution for our desire to exterminate other nations.

but it is, and it is sad. today, fixters.. tomorrow... gypsies, freemasons.. communists, gays, jews, intellectuals, where does it all end?

suicide in a bunker, that's where it ends.

no thanks!!

im going to go start reading blogs about ... i don't know. pretzels or something.

Anonymous said...

I know we tell our gf's it's an 'energy food', but that jar of white goop looks a bit suspicous !

Ash Lagoon said...

Anon. 2:06PM:

Yes, it's got currents but I'm pretty sure it's electrical currents. Placing the bar in your mouth is akin to licking a 9-volt battery.

It's that good!

More power to Cadel!


P.S. BSNYC, I find it hard to believe you agreed to work with Unilever. They will make you pay the shelving fees, they always do.
Check the contract.

Ash Lagoon said...

"Aguirre, the Wrath of KNOG"

South American hipster cysts were discovered by the Spanish and eventually taken to Australia and cultivars developed there that are sold today. The original breeds are quite small, but very hardy.


Also known in German as "Aguirre, der Zinn Gottes"

stuggy said...

Hahaha, Frilly, my ex-wife wanted to BTCH MORE and FUCK LESS. Nah, that's not really true. She didn't really bitch all that much. But less of the other was a bad thing for both of us...

Here's to new Victoria's Secret frilly things in '09!

Anonymous said...

No kidding about the explodamatics, I watched a guy sprinting in front of me in a road race fall flat on his face when his R-SYS failed catastrophically. On level ground. Riding in a straight line. Wow. Not ever riding those.

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