Putting It Away: Storing Bikes and Storing Calories

In many ways, my holiday recess was unremarkable.  As I do every year, I constructed my seasonal altar, which consists of a rotating dais atop which I place a Christmas tree, a Menorah, a Kwanzaa kinara, a Festivus pole, and a few Hanukkah bushes which serve as underbrush and give the whole thing that lush, bucolic feel.  Then, I put on my favorite holiday-themed album: Twisted Sister's "A Twisted Christmas."  By this point the air in my home is so thick with seasonal spirit that it's enough to make you choke.  (The cloying stench from the "Glistening Snow" Glade Plug-Ins I place in every single household outlet also help.)  Since I can hardly breathe, I then use an electric air pump to inflate the pool, which I fill with egg nog.  Finally, my friends, family, and loved ones (this amounts to two people) arrive for the traditional nog wrestling.  The whole thing's over by 8:30, leaving the rest of the evening free for me to clean up and watch Werner Herzog movies ("Aguirre, the Wrath of God" is my "It's a Wonderful Life") while consuming the rest of the egg nog.

But in one crucial way, this year was much different than years past, because I got a present:

I plan to share this present with you in the coming days, but right now I'm still sitting under the shadow of my Holi-dais in my pajamas amidst the various packing materials and making "vroom-vroom" noises like a child who's just opened a gleaming new toy fire truck.

Speaking of bizarre behavior, it would appear that VeloNews technical editor Lennard Zinn has finally gone crazy:


Protecting stored bikes

Dear Lennard,
I am storing two of my three high end bikes for the winter months (a 
2008 Cervelo SLC-SL and a Specialized Tarmac SL). The third I 
will be letting the Northeastern winter weather take its toll on 
while continuing to ride in the elements.

Is it prudent to apply a light 
sheen/coat of some type of oil or wax to the bikes — saddle, tires, chain, the carbon, the works — before storing them? My main 
goal is to preserve their bright color and shine, prevent 
rust and oxidation, and keep the tires from cracking and/or dry rot. Also, these bikes are stored hanging from the wall by their saddles.
Neither is over 15 pounds; both hang with their front ends maybe one and a half feet lower than the rear. Does
this put any undue strain on the frames?
Maurice

Dear Maurice,
If I had your concerns, I would cover the frame, fork, saddle, tires and bar tape with 303 ProtectantThat will protect the leather, rubber and clear coat. For the metal parts, I guess you could put oil all over them, but it seems like it will be gummy with dust next spring. I'd be more inclined to use soft car wax. And don't worry about hanging the bike by the wheels; it won't hurt your frame.
Lennard

Lennard's advice to Maurice on winter bike storage is irresponsible at best, and potentially fatal at worst.  First of all, Maurice does not specify the make and model of the third bicycle he will continue to ride this winter, but no matter what it is if you're going to make a sacrificial lamb of any bicycle in your fleet you should always choose the Specialized.  Pampering a Tarmac over the winter is like putting a two liter bottle of Dr. Pepper in your wine cellar.

Secondly, everybody knows you should never hang a bicycle by its wheels.  The bicycle wheel is one of the universe's greatest mysteries.  It is a rolling paradox and a structure that defies the very laws of physics.  While it is perfectly capable of carrying both bicycle and rider over all types of surfaces*, it will fail catastrophically if used to support the weight of the bicycle alone in a hanging scenario.  If you must hang your bicycle, suspend it by the frame only using fishing line.  Be sure to use multiple lines anchored at various points of the frame, and make sure the bicycle itself is completely level, as the slightest tilt can allow lubricants to collect and pool at the bicycle's lowest point.

*Unless it's a pre-built wheel from Mavic, in which case it will explode.

Also, it is essential that the wheels are kept turning constantly, since if they aren't the bearings will dry out and seize.  I am working on a motorized wheel turner specifically for this purpose, but until then the best thing to do is keep a high-powered fan trained on the bike at all times.  This will slowly turn the wheels, and will also keep dust from alighting on the bicycle.  (Dust is not only unsightly, but it can also destroy your bicycle's finish, which is why bike mechanics refer to it as "the silent killer.")  This will also obviate the use of any waxes or oils, which can eat through your carbon fiber frame over time.  (You should also never use oil and wax on your chain, since it can erode your chain stay.  Instead, you should only lube the chain of your carbon fiber bicycle with powdered graphite.)  To prevent tire dry rot, spray them with water every three days.  Use a spray bottle set to "mist."  Be sure to carefully dry the rest of the bicycle with a piece of soft cloth immediately after spraying to prevent corrosion.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, make sure to work your way through the gears at least once a week.  Failing to do so can cause the cables and derailleurs to seize.  Moreover, while not in use you should always keep the drivetrain in the small/small combo, as this places the least amount of tension on the derailleur springs.  Allowing the derailleurs to rest for prolonged periods in any other position will wear them out prematurely.

Sure, all of this is much more time-consuming than actually riding the bike, but anybody who's ever simply left a bike in a corner for a couple of months knows that it's no way to store a bike and that it will collapse upon itself in short order.

But when it comes to collapsing, there's one thing that isn't collapsing at all, and that's the fixed-gear trend.  Indeed, the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is still a long way off, since a reader informs me that Seattle's alternative weekly The Stranger has pronounced the fixed-gear trend dead:

Everybody knows that the opinions expressed in alternative weeklies are worth the price of the papers themselves, and since these alternative weeklies are generally free then their opinions are worth nothing.  Furthermore, The Stranger obviously doesn't do much fact-checking, because if they did they'd know that the people responsible for the fixed-gear fad generally don't ride their bikes at all; instead, they customize them and pose with them for photographs.  I mean, all they have to do is look at "Rain City Fix," which was made right in their backyard!  Just take a look at the video.  I doubt anybody broke a sweat, much less a bone.

Then again, it's entirely possible that The Stranger is being ironic.  After all, it is an alternative paper, and irony is the new sincerity.  Just ask Cadel Evans, who's apparently "dropped" a new ironic energy bar, a picture of which was forwarded to me by a reader:

This energy bar is as packed full of irony as it is nutrients, since it shows Cadel wearing the yellow jersey next to the word "Winners."  (Though in fairness to Cadel the packaging probably depicts his 2006 Tour de Romandie win and not some imaginary overall Tour de France victory.)  I wanted to learn more about Cadel's foray into food, so I employed a popular search engine, which led me to this:



Cadel raises the bar

RECENTLY returned to Oz and now hanging out in Barwon Heads with his wife Chiara, Cadel Evans continues to explore methods of gaining an edge on his rivals before his fifth Tour de France in 2009. Earlier this year he was keen to join forces with a company specialising in nutrition so he could learn more about it. Before he could say "yellow jersey", Winners, a Richmond-based mob that has previously teamed up with Collingwood, offered Evans the chance to help out with an energy bar recipe. And so it came to pass that "Cadel's Mountain Mix" hit shelves of major Australian supermarkets complete with Evans' head on it. Email correspondence between Evans (while he was still competing this year and based in Europe) and the manufacturer led to a creation of oats, cranberries, currents and peanuts. The addition of the nuts (full of revastrol they tell us) is being called "interesting" by the bar manufacturers. It came about after some French research showed that mice supplemented with revastrol were found to have energy-charged muscles, low heart rates and could run twice as far as mice that were not supplemented.

Frankly, I'm not impressed.  Firstly, if the French really want to see some fast mice, they should give them drugs, not peanuts.  Secondly, Cadel's energy bar only has four measly ingredients.  Thirdly, it's cruel to perform tests on mice, even if those tests simply involve feeding them peanuts.  My food product, on the other hand, isn't tested on any animals, and it also has a whole paragraph full of crap in it.  Yes, that's right.  It is my distinct pleasure to announce my new BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance:



The BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance is gloppy in consistency, which means it's halfway between a food and a beverage.  You can keep it in your water bottle (thin it with olive oil for best results) or in your jersey pocket, whichever you prefer.  (Squeeze packets will be available.)  My substance will give you the energy you need to stay right in the bloated middle of the pack.  And speaking of bloated middles, just check out these ingredients:


Ingredients: Water, cream, parmesan and romano cheese (part-skim milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes), butter (cream, salt), soybean oil, modified corn starch, sherry wine, enzyme modified egg yolks, salt, sugar, whey (milk), autolyzed yeast extract, disodium phosphate, xanthan gum, garlic powder, spices, natural flavors.

As you can see, the BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance contains everything you need to get you through that grand tour, charity ride, or morning commute.  It sticks to your ribs like Cadel sticks to the wheel in front of him.  It also goes great with linguine, and even makes a fantastic tire sealant.  

Lastly, before I run off to play with my new present, I'd like to remind you one last time that tomorrow marks the deadline for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend.)  I'll be back tomorrow to share the latest submissions with you, and to wish you a very meh-rry new year.