Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fixed Election: Bikes, Politics, and the Apocalypse

Numerous readers have pointed out that I am a poor photographer, and I readily acknowledge that. However, the reason people call me a bad photographer is because of the poor quality of my photographs, and that's where I disagree with them. To truly understand how bad a photographer I am, you have to know about all the photo opportunities I've missed. Because really, the first step towards being a good photographer is having a camera on you, and this is something I have yet to master. And the latest missed photo opportunity occurred yesterday, when I observed a group of four cyclists riding down 7th Avenue in Manhattan in the middle of the afternoon, blowing whistles and carrying giant banners that read "Obey Jesus or Perish!"

As a bicycle blogger, these are the moments you live for, yet sadly I was sans camera. Verily, it was the theological equivalent of an "All You Haters Suck My Balls" ride, and I missed my opportunity to capture it in pixels. Also, it was doubly significant in that it very well could be a sign of the dreaded Fixed Gear Apocalypse. For later on I also learned from a fellow blogger of the existence of an alternate version of this very blog:

First off, I'd like to assure you that I have nothing at all to do with "bikesnobnyc.blogpsot.com," nor do I even know what a "blogpsot" is, and that if I did feel compelled to proselytize people I'd at least be candid about it. As it is, I'm more than happy to let people continue worshipping false idols, coveting their neighbors' wives, eating cheeseburgers, adjusting themselves in confessionals, and foffing off with abandon. However, I'd be foolhardy to come across both a Jesus-themed bike procession and a Jesus-themed website based on my own website on the same day without at least considering the possibility that we may be staring down both nostrils of the Apocalypse. And when a third sign comes and it's as horrifying as this one in Milwaukee(forwarded by a reader), I think it's time to sound the Apocalyptic Alarm:

fixed gear gold and black - $800 (hartford)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-05, 1:48PM CDT

frame: takara 58cm tapped with waterbottle cage holes/mounts fork: chromo road bike fork...much less rake than the old road bikes had but not as straight as a track fork stem: alloy dia-comp road stem bars: takara road
bar tape: brooks black leather with brooks wooden bar ends...retails for $80.. planet bike gel under tape.

headset: shimano sealed ultegra

seat: brooks b17 special black with copper

cranks: super maxy 170 mm alloy

bb: sealed tange square taper

chainring: bmx 46t with alloy chain ring bolts

pedals: mks track with mks stainless steel toe cages

chain: kmc bmx gold

rims: 700c volocity deep v limited edition 32h front 36h rear

spokes: wheelsmith- radial in the front, 3x in the rear

hubs: surley with a surley lock ring and dura-ace 15t cog with chrome chain guard.

skewer: front a rasta salsa

tires: michilin

computer: trek insite 8i wireless

this was professionaly built with no expence spared. Shop maintained. Rides very smooth. All my friends with fixies that ride mine cant believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. Please serious buyers only.



Oh yeah, that's a pie plate on a fixed gear:


Indeed, it says in the Bible that "there shall come a fixed gear gold and black, and it shall come bearing a pie plate, although spoke protection be not necessary on a fixed gear, and that those who ride this fixed gear will not believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. There shall then be great gnashing of gears, and rending of garments, and renting of tuxedos, and valve stems too short to protrude through rims, and pant cuffs caught in drivetrains for a thousand years." At least, that's what it says in my copy. I don't remember chapter and verse, but it's somewhere towards the back with the recipes.

Can nothing protect us?

(erik k)


Alas, times are so bleak that people are using fixed-gear bicycles to promote presidential candidates:

I'm not especially political, and I'd hardly presume to endorse a candidate. However, I will say that regardless of who you're planning to vote for, you should be grateful that this bike is one of a kind, and that as such you're extremely unlikely to ever see it in person. I'd also say that the Obama campaign would be wise to bury this embarrassing bicycle as soon as possible, lest it come back to haunt him like Jeremiah Wright. Those Obama spoke cards were bad enough.

But instead of burying it, there are signs that the Obama campaign may simply be going with it instead. This poster was forwarded to me by a reader, and I have absolutely no doubt it's legitimate and Obama-approved:


He's even making moves to appeal to the women's road bike segment. A reader informs me that there's a new Orbea model that may in fact be a subliminal advertisement for the democrat:



Not to be outdone, John McCain has jumped into the fixie fray as well. Except he's not going for that savior-coming-down-from-the-heavens de-venomized Leni Riefenstahl cloud thing Obama seems to be going for above. Instead, as a big fan of the "town hall" meeting format, he's simply takin' it to the streets:

(BKJimmy)

Unfortunately for him, though, the potential for embarrassment is immeasurable.

112 comments:

Anonymous said...

first

Anonymous said...

you know what do do, haters.

chiggins said...

My balls are dry... and I'm running out of time.

Anonymous said...

m?

Gnarles Darwin said...

Ran out of Chamois Butter! Top Ten!

Georges Rouan said...

Try taping the camera to your forehead.

Anonymous said...

7

Anonymous said...

top 10. I'll take it.

Anonymous said...

YAY!!!!

Prolly said...

god dammit.

hillrepeats said...

Jose the Plumber says:

todo usted aborrecedores chupan mis pelotas

Anonymous said...

McCain in Brooklyn?

Yes, I can see why Prolly's crew wouldn't lend him a hoodie. It can be tricky laundering "old man smell" out of garments.

What next? Field dressing moose in Prospect Park?

Yikes.

Strayhorn said...

Registering domains with slightly-misspelled names of popular sites is an old trick and I'll bet they catch all traffic for *.blogpsot.com - yep, just checked it.

Although that's usually the tactic of folks selling boner juice and hair-loss remedies. I didn't realize that the fundies were now peddling their snake oil with such tricks.

They'd be better off blessing the cheesemakers and promising the world to the Greek.

Anonymous said...

A reading from Paul to the Campagnolians:

Upon the eve of the apocalypse, a lone prophet shall appear,
He may be a Jew, or Chinese, or some kinda Italian, perhaps Mexican, but certainly not irish,

And yea, he shall foretell of the apocalypse, with an ingenious index of measure tied to a sacred symbol produced near the holy Vatican,

He shall arise with over 100 comments per siting, promoting the smiting of the philistine haterz, and the imbibing of testicles.

The users of the list of Craig will fear him, and his wrath. Some will worship him, some will hate him, some will stare into the abyss upon matching his gaze, yet others will buy stickers.

The apocalypse will be foreshadowed by the collapse of the money lenders, the coming of the Palin, and recorded on the list of Craig.

that is all.

Sprocketboy said...

Nobody will ever listen to people riding on bicycles exhorting them to "obey" in any way. Mr. Snob, you have recognized that you have truly missed an opportunity by failing to render the Four Cyclists of the Apocalypse photographically. Picture them in your mind: "Obey Jesus or perish! Yea, ye heathen, I shall ride my spindly, whimsical, quasi-child's toy two-dimensional vehicle at you! Verily, hear the ringing of my handlebar bell!"

Anonymous said...

Not to make you feel unspecial, but anything at .blogpsot.com goes to that site--it's been like that for at least 4 years.

Erik W. Laursen said...

I've never placed this well in a real race.

And I about died when I saw the Obama poster.

For those of you in Cincinnati don't forget that the Breeders and the Nationals play Fountain Square tonight to get out the vote. People can be bussed to the board of elections for Ohio early voting.

Should be a good show and a good time no matter who you support.

Oh, and some hot chick named Natalie Portman will be there too. Her grandma lives in the 'nati don't you know.

Anonymous said...

AYHSMBOP

aface said...

SNOBBY -

Someone else thought that the bikers with Flags was a good photo-op too.

http://nycraze.com/?p=2949

-face mob

urchin said...

Just a note while I take a break from stockpiling pattern-printed Deep Vs and stuffing top tube pads around the windows and doors of my shelter...

Snob, get yourself one of these here helmet cams:
http://tinyurl.com/4drm3g

and quick--who else can document this hellstorm properly?

Anonymous said...

Those Obama bikes are for terrorists and arabs.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Jessica,

On the contrary, I'm relieved.

aface,

Thanks! I almost thought I'd dreamed it.

--BSNYC

Daddo said...

wow!
we live in a world where:
"Verily, it was the theological equivalent of an "All You Haters Suck My Balls" ride, and I missed my opportunity to capture it in pixels"
is a sentence that makes sense

Anonymous said...

Ahahahahahaha...awesome!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Huh? I'm confused by the post today... or so nonplussed by the Jesus bikers that I'm unable to think. I've never seen a Christian on a bike before. Maybe on a donkey... I can't... aaaaaaaa

Daddo said...

fyi:
http://ohsnap.ytmnd.com/

Anonymous said...

Snob,

This is one of your best posts, in my humble opinion. It's gonna take a while to wipe the grin off of my face!

Surely the Apocalypse is upon us now - the dreaded fixed gear pie plate has been found! Repent! REEPEEENNNNNT!

libertyonbikes! said...

thank you!
if i'm gonna get beat
over the head repeatedly
with the great election race.
the only relief i get
is there's only 19 more days
of coverage,
and the obama & mccain
photos youposted just made me spit my coffee.
if i'm not laughing,
i'm crying.

Daddo said...

uh...um...didn't we see that bike already - like a week or two ago...

that obama poster just went on my walls (yep all four of them)

"savior-coming-down-from-the-heavens de-venomized Leni Riefenstahl" - fuckin' funny!

erik k said...

Repent the end is neigh

Anonymous said...

All elections are wasteful, uses money spent on better things like pharmaceutical research.

I was only child when Soviet Onion dissolved but babushka tell me it was much better before, knowing no rich people and everybody more or less equal. She tell me the apparatchiki very good at spreading the wealth, as you Americans put it. Quality of bikes suffered. Good quality steel and aluminium going to workers and the means of production, not for velocipiedii. Babushka cries often at the memories.

Me, I don't care if vodka available.

Anonymous said...

I will redristribute, i mean share, a copy of my official fixie with everyone that makes under $42K per year, IF YOU WILL VOT FOR ME.

and everyone that doesnt pay taxes today, can have two each.
Promise...

Anonymous said...

All you suckers hate Mike Ball!

Anonymous said...

That's a freth of bresh air.

Anonymous said...

I was caught
In the middle of a railroad track (funda)
I looked 'round,
And I knew there was no turning back (funda)
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do? (Funda)
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you (Funda)
Sound of the drums
Beatin' in my heart
The funda of guns!
Tore me apart
You've been - fundastruck!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
I've never seen a Christian on a bike before.


Christians drive minivans and SUVs, the lower the fuel efficiency, the better, they are speeding the work of the lord, freeing his carbon, bringing us to Armageddon faster so that they may be judged at the rapture and hence be smug.

Bicycles are the work of the devil, and parts of bicycles touch genitals, which, although evil, is very much like some catholic priests.

Anonymous said...

what a dumbass the mormon missionaries ride bicycles all the time fuck you too

commiecancuk is saying the same thing twicest like the department of redundancy department because cannucks are commies its like saying commiecommie you dumbass suck my balls

ant1 said...

If christians rode bikes, the lions would not have been so successful.

bikesgonewild said...

...red neckerson...you sure a man that's got more wives than bicycles is a true christian ???...

...not sayin', just askin'...

Anonymous said...

I like the photographs. I did not consider them of poor quality. I think their impressionistic honesty perhaps confused some of your readers. That said, I want to request more Manhattan Bridge bike path photographs, particularly the curvy section on the Manhattan side, preferably en route to Brooklyn right before it turns straight. Only your photos can do this magical little corridor justice.

What will be great about the Apocalypse is that cyclists will have the streets to themselves, raw milk devotees won't have to go through the Tribeca raw milk underground to get their fix and blood sausage will return to its rightful place as a much desired dinner or even breakfast staple.

Anonymous said...

Joe the Plumber rides a fixie? He is not licensed. Straight to hell, do not suck ball.

Snob, please sketch and show the apocalyptic bike-banner scene.

Anonymous said...

Actually, if you shaved off the gotee, John Prolly looks a lot like Joe the Plumber.

http://www.latimes.com/news/
printedition/asection/
la-na-joe16-2008oct16_k8tchfnc,0,7287272.
photo

Anonymous said...

The Scallywags are doing good works in so many ways.

Anonymous said...

Mormons aren't Christian, they're they're a cult offshoot created by a false prophet, Joseph "Sixpack" Smith. True Christians who actually believe in their Heavenly Father wouldn't wear helmets or have brakes.

NOBR AKES
NOHE LMET

I hope this ends the religious and political banter for the day.

ant1 said...

nobody cares about the scallywags

Anonymous said...

Hey Red Neckerson..look out behind you, it's a dinosaur!

not just more wives, more 14-year old wives. Good thing mormons are morally pure, as well as latter-day saints.

you using a computer to read BSNYC? or really good 'seeing-stones'?

Anonymous said...

commiecancuk is saying the same thing twicest like the department of redundancy department because cannucks are commies its like saying commiecommie you dumbass suck my balls

'Pwned' by a latter-day saint!

ant1 said...

good one commie. I almost shat in my magic underwear!

Anonymous said...

Joseph Smith believed the Garden of Eden was in Missouri. Its okay here but it ain't all that.

Cheeseburgers and squirming in confessionals--two thumbs up!

Anonymous said...

I don't believe you, ant1.


I'm Tired of You, Satan

Critical Ass said...

Shane(OSO)could use some pointers on salesmanship...like from this guy

Anonymous said...

Gawd Dang Frilly! I done fell ofta mah chair!

I been to Missouri. Rode the first piece 'o the Katy back in '92 or so. Shore was nice.

Jim said...

Screw politics. I wanna be free to ride my machine without being hassled by The Man! ... And I wanna get loaded. And I wanna have a good time.

Or race 'cross. Pretty much the same thing.

Anonymous said...

Frilly, Joe Smith wasn't literal about Eden, he was just promoting a new housing subdivision. Most good real estate agents are prophets.

"good schools will appear...close!"

"this area is going to be gentrified!"

"Sure, there's nothing close by, but there will be soon!"

"500sqft condos are the future!"

Anonymous said...

Apparently riding up a long, Southern California grade is not difficult enough for that OBAMA rider, for she, to prove that she is all that is woman, mashes away at the pedals with both brakes on!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Snob, I am confused about the last photo. Is that Prolly's crew with McCain, or is that the Keating Five, dressed like they learned from their buddies in prison?

Anonymous said...

http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/jj225/Havenscoots/trackobama.jpg

j

Anonymous said...

I think O'bama would be great as president, it's been a long time since an Irishman has been to the White house.

bikesgonewild said...

...reasons to mistrust the scallywags (besides that name)...

...direct quote from their site...
..."Strong Values: Solidarity...
...We are not just implementing our own ideas; we are helping to put wheels on their ideas and visions for their future."
...

...just what kinda wheels do they wanna put on other peoples "ideas & visions" ???...

...green deep v's labeled "all you haters can suck my balls" ???...what kinda message is that for the average 'joe the plumber' ???...

...aerospokes, maybe & would that be on the front, the back or both & isn't that a lotta rotating mass for the average acolyte ???...

...how about 32 spoke rivendell 650 b's from the 'church of grant' ???...hmmmm...

...& if they're 36 spoke MA-40's laced to old high flange campagnolo hubs, problems, problems, problems...jobst brandt will tell ya...& he's a religion unto himself (verily)...

...or some fancy ass carbon-ara 'lightweight' wheels ???...& who can even afford the pads ???...pass the collection plate, please !!!...

...just remember...sheldon brown, while he's w/ us in spirit, ain't around to answer questions about free wheels from religious organizations...

...& while sheldon was an ol' bicycle & spiritual scallywag, he wasn't a religious one...

...check yer sources...just sayin'...

Daddo said...

Obama Scraper Bike!

Anonymous said...

Erik K --

Well, one could do far worse than unfurl those particular pennants were one inclined to let one's freak flag fly.

But they need an uplifting accompanying ballad.

How about borrowing from Longfellow:

The shades of night were falling fast,
As through the Chelsea Village passed
A youth, who bore, 'mid snow and ice,
A banner with the strange device,
RTMS!

Okay, maybe not.

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:24 -

How exactly did you determine that the rider has both brakes 'on'? Surely not from the fact that she has one finger around the lever...

Anonymous said...

My friends, I would like to say one thing:

ALL YOU HATERS SUCK MY BALLS!!!

Anonymous said...

funda and rightning--velly skelly!!!

bikesgonewild said...

..."well, john, despite the fact that you're waving your sack around in front of the american people, i'd like to point that it's well known in congress that the very balls you'd like sucked are quite shriveled & dried up...

..."perhaps you could offer the great american public a better alternative...

..."just sayin', john"
...

bikesgonewild said...

..."bikesgonewild misquoted me, only in that he left "out" out, as in "i'd like to point out"...

...other that that, this was a fair representation of my reply to senator mccain"
...

...signed,
future president barack obama...

bk jimmy said...

I think BGW has gotten caught in some kind of feedback loop.

Anonymous said...

Commie- you forgot a surplus of people talking on cellphones driving the biggest SUV they can find during rush hour thus making driving difficult and riding damn near impossible.
Hmmph, so much for Eden.

erik k said...

Leroy, brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Texican-wear a seat belt.

'Tis true, we are lucky to have a few really decent bike paths around here. I guess its an enticement to keep the cyclists off the streets.

Eeberleeber said...

Anon 2:39

Ditto on the Prolly/Joe-the-Plumber doppelgangery.

Anonymous said...

The Keating Five Featuring Big John McCain! I remember that outfit! Part of the second British invasion, weren't they? I'm not too sure about that last part, since much of the 80s has become a fairly disturbing blur in my memory, but I know I bought one of their albums. I bet they know Sting.

kale said...

Wow, highbrowing it up...

It's like the Snobbatical worked for (almost) everyone. But I can't help to think of Andrew Valentine every time poetry is posted in regards to cycling.

Anonymous said...

Yo' Kale --

You mean you've had that dream too!!??

Whoa dude!

And like here I thought it was just me and Robert Mackey.

Glad to see you're into poetry, bro'. Maybe you can help me out. I been workin' on a little sumpthin':

There once was a poster named Kale,
Whose comment went way past the pale.
He suggested Ulysses
Was just read by sissies,
And faux Brits in Central Park's vale.

Okay, here's where you come in.

Could ya maybe fix up that limerick with a limp frame pump joke or sumpthin'? I would like totally do it myself, but I gotta go to a hockey game and punch my buddy on the arm.

Freaking A.

Later.

Anonymous said...

I am not going to click on that bible link. Hell do not know what kinda creepy stuff one might see there.

I do however recall that oft forgotten 11th commandment which probably broke off the tablet after Moses descended just a little too quickly down Mt Sinia with inappropriate tyres/ pressure and fell arse over tea kettle. “Thou shall not wheel suck continually and do your pull “

Is that a stainless pie plate or a sears pie plate

sasquatch2 said...

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html

this bike must be manly...

Anonymous said...

Where on earth did you get the picture of McCain hanging out with the New Kids on the Block reunion tour?

Anonymous said...

http://sucking_my_balls.wecanbelievein.com/

Just sayin.

Anonymous said...

I'll give it a shot...

There once was a cyclist named LeRoy,
Who thought thatstealing fixies brought joy.
He stripped them and sold them.
Saved up for some golden,
Deep-Vee Limited-edition alloys.


Sorry, I couldn't think of anything with a frame pump, except maybe a dirt jump... but this is the wrong blog for that.

Anonymous said...

Kale --

In the words of the good will ambassador from Khazikstan:

"Very nice!"

Nick said...

http://www.knuckletattoos.com/gunCache/t_POW4LYFE.jpg


knuckle tattoo doesn't allow numbers? bummer.

bikesgonewild said...

...jeezus...i post, head off to work, come back a dozen hours later & it's like the fucking "love boat" has taken over my computer...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

commiecommie
fuck you and your dinosaur did you know that barney the dinosaur is a tool of satan just listen to this it will make your balls shrivel up btw fuck you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pC3ih0xw9ck

Anonymous said...

Alas, not even the black and gold fixie will be as apocalyptically hideous as the mutant Microshift/Weinman mod you're planning for your ride. - Judge others as you would have them judge you ;)

Anonymous said...

That Geekhouse obama bike is the cats ass. I don't care for the point behind it, but it's a nice bike.

Anonymous said...

Barney is an tool of Satan? as far as tools go, that's kinda like invading Iraq armed with a butter knife.

SSSSPREAD!!!

If Barney is the best tool Satan can come up with, we're safe, all we have to watch out for is close minded zealots on bikes who believe in fairy tales about magic stones.

Anonymous said...

Need

Anonymous said...

to

Anonymous said...

get

Anonymous said...

to

Anonymous said...

one

Anonymous said...

hundred

Anonymous said...

comments

Anonymous said...

for

Anonymous said...

commie

Anonymous said...

canuk's

Anonymous said...

prophecy

Anonymous said...

to

Anonymous said...

What's going on here...

Anonymous said...

come

Anonymous said...

true...

All you philistine haterz imbibe my testicles.

DadRyan said...

All this hipster track bike shit is fine, with the exception of people fronting on how long they've been riding them. I love that Kid Will Johnson on the DART "team" and all but there is no way in hell he's been riding fixed for 7 years god damnit!
Dudes pulling a fucking Harper. Someone needs to come up with a term for messengers and or hipster cyclists who inflate the amount of time they've actually been in the fucking game.. It's pathetic.
I'll give him maybe 5 years but that would be generous.
I love you Willis, and being nomadic is awesome but there is a fine line between reinventing yourself/ and fraud.
I am most impressed by Prolly stating that "he used to skate". Honesty is honorable.
For the record I messengered for years on roadbikes, broke my Eisentraut hitting a fat ass jaywalker and was forced to ride my "fun" bike because it was all I had fully operational. I never made more money in my life as a courier that winter and I never looked back. That was in 2004.
Hey will if you do end up reading this, I loved your bio, but I couldn't take your revisionist history.
Holla

Anonymous said...

I used to skate too. I was a poser with a shite Nash skateboard back in the day. It was pretty fun to be a poser, just standing around, posing, doing pretend wallride handstands and telling all my friends I could do a Natas Spin but not when people were watching. I still can't ollie anything. I ride a fixed gear now, but I dont dress up like the buggles guy, I'd dont't like to attract attention anymore because I'm kind of fat.

Anonymous said...

Blogger bikesgonewild said...


...check yer sources...just sayin'...


What are your sources for the wheel goods you imply Scallywags would promote for affixing to ideas and visions? And it's a good one, I gather.

This weekend I broke (ripped out) two adjacent spokes on Campy high-flange hubs w/Super Champion rims (36°) quickly adjusted with a spoke wrench to carry me (200-lb) and 30-pounds of gear over the rear axle for the next 60 miles to camp. No worsening of the wobble and fixed in the morning with spokes I picked up on the way.

I just wanted to provide that example of Christians AND cyclists being in the same group.
Additionally there are plenty of Christian cycling clubs.
So Cal,
Lynchburg, VA,
and international.



Scallywag Benjo has worked on the Rwanda Bike Project with some big bike industry names, as far as good bicycle works go. Go check yer sources.

Next time I run into Sheldon Brown's widow at Trader Joe's I'll make sure to pass on your respects.

All you haters can suck your spouse's balls.
Yes you can. And if you repent, you'll be forgiven.

Anonymous said...

And if your spouse doesn't have balls, just get some strap-ons with'em or try the Ben Wa balls

Anonymous said...

The bikers are the cult family of Michael Woroniecki. Google him sometime. If he hadn't filled Andrea Yates' mind with the thoughts to kill her children, I believe he would have eventually killed them himself through psychological abuse.

Anonymous said...

Does Geekhouse only copy KHS frames?

yogisurf said...

New fan. I'm dying here. There are some freaky fixies. I want a T-shirt/ n

Anonymous said...

Obama spoke cards actually exist!

http://fixedgeargallery.com/2008/oct/3/AdamBaumgartner.htm

Anonymous said...

The (real) Four Cyclists of the Apocolypse...

http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/ap2/brain/titles.html

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