Repentance: Back-Pedaling Under Duress

(Saddle-humping fixed-gear sex art with fascist overtones by Krzysztof)

Firstly, I long ago swore an oath that I would not let my personal non-cycling hobbies contaminate this blog. However, when you're a carcake-spotter and you see a formation like this you can't resist sharing it with the world:



Yes, the carcakes are often at their best two days after a snowfall, when the stragglers are just starting to dig their cars out and the snow has had a couple of nights to freeze. This car's got a neck curtain on the trunk, a nice-sized arctic ice shelf on the roof complete with widow's peak in the front, and even a snowhawk on the hood. It looks like a paparazzi shot of Antarctica just as it's stepping out of the salon.

Secondly, a number of people seemed to take offense at the fact that I took a few swipes at the NAHBS on Monday. This surprised me, and I'd like it to be known that I have nothing but respect for these master craftspeople and their handiwork. In an effort to make amends and as a gesture of goodwill, I've taken some inspiration from Barry Wicks and made the NAHBS a "mix tape." Check out the cover art:

It's short but I think they'll enjoy it. Here's what I put on it:

1) As an homage to the traditional framebuilder's material of choice, and as a symbol of the fact that it's in the midst of a resurgence--nay, a revolution!--the mix starts off with this.

2) But the NAHBS isn't all about steel. There's also titanium, and everybody knows that the ride quality of titanium is sublime to the point of being mystical. So, even though it might be a bit predictable, I went with this.

3) While there are custom framebuilders who work in aluminum, the true lug-slobberer knows that the ride of an aluminum bicycle is impossibly stiff, and that they fail catastrophically in weeks. This classic conveys both aluminum's jarring ride quality and short life.

4) Then I put this on, because it's the most beautiful song ever written and it makes me cry.

5) This one's a shout-out to Serotta.

6) Finally, NAHBS always features lots of singlespeeds and fixed-gears. So, as a tribute to the Zen quality of both, I finished the mix with that John Cage composition that's just four minutes and thirty-three seconds of silence.

I hope they like it.

But while North America's custom framebuilders have not been idle, neither have the Forces of Evil. Readers from far and wide have been forwarding me signs which can only portend one thing: the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse.


In Skagit Valley, Washinton, one rider has come upon an infernal farm that is giving away alpacas. Not many people know that the "Book of Fixed-Gear Revelation" is actually encoded in Jobst Brandt's gripping classic, "The Bicycle Wheel." Using my Ovaltine secret decoder ring, I've extracted this text, and it warns that "in the fifth year of the exhibition of the bicycles wrought with hands, the Alpacas shall be freed, and they shall lay waste to the land." It then goes on in mind-numbing detail about stress-relieving and the evils of paired-spoke technology, but clearly free alpacas are a bad sign, and I have no doubt that they will turn on and devour their new owners.

No sooner had I received this information than another reader informed me of the existence of a fixed-gear recumbent:











As the "Book of Fixed-Gear Revelation" states, "To the decimated land shall come a rider who reclines while in motion. His feet shall come before him as like unto a breech birth. His helmet shall bear a mirror, but he shall coast not." Sounds like a fixedcumbent to me.

But perhaps most horrifying of all were these photos, forwarded to me by another reader:



It seems that a drought has forced these poor koalas to seek water from humans. I have absolutely no doubt that this drought has been caused by demon Alpacas who are already becoming a scourge upon the land. Notice how the koala gratefully hugs the merciful geared rider's leg:

If the sight of cuddly little koalas coming forth from the wilderness to seek human aid doesn't horrify you, then maybe this will: these photos were taken in Brooklyn.

Koalas aren't the only things suffering, either. The Fixed-Gear Apocalypse has also laid waste to at least one professional road racing team, and yet another reader informs me that the now-defunct Toyota-United Pro Cycling Team is selling off its equipment. This would appear to come as good news to former United rider Ivan "The Cuban Missile" Dominguez:


Until you realize that he's being forced to model bib shorts:


In the end, our only hope may be anti-fixed-gear vigilantes. The Alpaca-hastening, tight-averse, bumblebee bike-riding proprietor of 718 Cyclery has forwarded me this photo of a Pacific mountain bike equipped with a fire alarm and an extinguisher. My guess is the owner has equipped it this way because he is certain that Armageddon is at hand:


This bicycle also is very much in the spirit of the Finlandia bike:


It could be that, after the Apocalypse, low-end mountain bikes and cockroaches will be the only things to survive.

That and cheese.

Fixed Election: Bikes, Politics, and the Apocalypse

Numerous readers have pointed out that I am a poor photographer, and I readily acknowledge that. However, the reason people call me a bad photographer is because of the poor quality of my photographs, and that's where I disagree with them. To truly understand how bad a photographer I am, you have to know about all the photo opportunities I've missed. Because really, the first step towards being a good photographer is having a camera on you, and this is something I have yet to master. And the latest missed photo opportunity occurred yesterday, when I observed a group of four cyclists riding down 7th Avenue in Manhattan in the middle of the afternoon, blowing whistles and carrying giant banners that read "Obey Jesus or Perish!"

As a bicycle blogger, these are the moments you live for, yet sadly I was sans camera. Verily, it was the theological equivalent of an "All You Haters Suck My Balls" ride, and I missed my opportunity to capture it in pixels. Also, it was doubly significant in that it very well could be a sign of the dreaded Fixed Gear Apocalypse. For later on I also learned from a fellow blogger of the existence of an alternate version of this very blog:

First off, I'd like to assure you that I have nothing at all to do with "bikesnobnyc.blogpsot.com," nor do I even know what a "blogpsot" is, and that if I did feel compelled to proselytize people I'd at least be candid about it. As it is, I'm more than happy to let people continue worshipping false idols, coveting their neighbors' wives, eating cheeseburgers, adjusting themselves in confessionals, and foffing off with abandon. However, I'd be foolhardy to come across both a Jesus-themed bike procession and a Jesus-themed website based on my own website on the same day without at least considering the possibility that we may be staring down both nostrils of the Apocalypse. And when a third sign comes and it's as horrifying as this one in Milwaukee(forwarded by a reader), I think it's time to sound the Apocalyptic Alarm:

fixed gear gold and black - $800 (hartford)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-05, 1:48PM CDT

frame: takara 58cm tapped with waterbottle cage holes/mounts fork: chromo road bike fork...much less rake than the old road bikes had but not as straight as a track fork stem: alloy dia-comp road stem bars: takara road
bar tape: brooks black leather with brooks wooden bar ends...retails for $80.. planet bike gel under tape.

headset: shimano sealed ultegra

seat: brooks b17 special black with copper

cranks: super maxy 170 mm alloy

bb: sealed tange square taper

chainring: bmx 46t with alloy chain ring bolts

pedals: mks track with mks stainless steel toe cages

chain: kmc bmx gold

rims: 700c volocity deep v limited edition 32h front 36h rear

spokes: wheelsmith- radial in the front, 3x in the rear

hubs: surley with a surley lock ring and dura-ace 15t cog with chrome chain guard.

skewer: front a rasta salsa

tires: michilin

computer: trek insite 8i wireless

this was professionaly built with no expence spared. Shop maintained. Rides very smooth. All my friends with fixies that ride mine cant believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. Please serious buyers only.


Oh yeah, that's a pie plate on a fixed gear:


Indeed, it says in the Bible that "there shall come a fixed gear gold and black, and it shall come bearing a pie plate, although spoke protection be not necessary on a fixed gear, and that those who ride this fixed gear will not believe how smooth everything is compared to theirs. There shall then be great gnashing of gears, and rending of garments, and renting of tuxedos, and valve stems too short to protrude through rims, and pant cuffs caught in drivetrains for a thousand years." At least, that's what it says in my copy. I don't remember chapter and verse, but it's somewhere towards the back with the recipes.

Can nothing protect us?

(erik k)

Alas, times are so bleak that people are using fixed-gear bicycles to promote presidential candidates:

I'm not especially political, and I'd hardly presume to endorse a candidate. However, I will say that regardless of who you're planning to vote for, you should be grateful that this bike is one of a kind, and that as such you're extremely unlikely to ever see it in person. I'd also say that the Obama campaign would be wise to bury this embarrassing bicycle as soon as possible, lest it come back to haunt him like Jeremiah Wright. Those Obama spoke cards were bad enough.

But instead of burying it, there are signs that the Obama campaign may simply be going with it instead. This poster was forwarded to me by a reader, and I have absolutely no doubt it's legitimate and Obama-approved:

He's even making moves to appeal to the women's road bike segment. A reader informs me that there's a new Orbea model that may in fact be a subliminal advertisement for the democrat:

Not to be outdone, John McCain has jumped into the fixie fray as well. Except he's not going for that savior-coming-down-from-the-heavens de-venomized Leni Riefenstahl cloud thing Obama seems to be going for above. Instead, as a big fan of the "town hall" meeting format, he's simply takin' it to the streets:

(BKJimmy)

Unfortunately for him, though, the potential for embarrassment is immeasurable.