Monday, September 22, 2008

Keep Dreaming: From Fantasy to Reality

If you work a traditional Monday-to-Friday work week, you know that Monday can be difficult. Even though I don't have a soul, I think that most people do. I also think that the soul is kind of an amorphous blob but that during the work week many people are forced to cram that blob into the Jell-o mold of structure and pretense, which is why it feels so good to pop out of it for a couple of days. Of course, conversely, it hurts that much more when you have to stuff it back in on Monday. This is especially true for cyclists, who after a couple of days of epic two-wheeled conquests must return to the mold, their legs sore, their appetites raging, and their pride back in check. (Obviously this doesn't hold true for people like messengers, who ride all week long. Or for the unemployed. Then again, what's the difference between the two, really?)

In the spirit of kicking off a weekend of fantasy, this past Friday was PARK(ing) Day. Basically, what this meant was a bunch of people in different cities took over parking spaces and turned them into little temporary parks. (Or, more accurately, just did weird stuff in them.) The idea as I understand it was to help people imagine all the other things you can do on the side of the road besides just leaving cars there, and how much better the world would be if the streets were lined with freaks instead of Hondas.

Frankly, I don't have much of a problem with parking cars in parking spaces (so long as drivers enter them carefully and don't heedlessly fling their doors open into traffic), so I wasn't especially moved by PARK(ing) Day. As far as I'm concerned it's the people who park in the middle of the street that are the real problem. If every driver parked in an actual parking space that would be a tremendous improvement in itself. Unfortunately, in New York City that's not the case, and there is absolutely no place here that a person will not leave a car. It's actually quite common to see someone stop an Escalade in the middle of the street and leave it running with the door open while he runs into a bodega. (In New York, this is an expression of self-importance--it's the motor vehicle equivalent of sitting with your legs wide open and taking up two subway seats.)

Still, though, I suppose I can kind of see the appeal. After all, every day in New York is Bike Lane Appropriation Day. Among the activities taking place in New York City bike lanes this morning were moving into (or perhaps, given the economy, out of) expensive Brooklyn brownstones:


and riding stupid mopeds. (I thought I was being attacked by a lawn edger when this contraption overtook me.)


And as far as stopping your car wherever you want, there was this guy from Jersey, who sat camped out on the divider between Sands Street and the BQE entrance ramp near the Manhattan Bridge while he got directions on his cellphone:

So I'd like to get behind PARK(ing) Day, if only to force people to drink the same swill of liquid annoyance and inconvenience they make us chug every day. Unfortunately, having now viewed the Streetsfilm of PARK(ing) day in New York City, I can find very little around which to rally. In fact, if I'd encountered one of the appropriated parking spaces shown in the film I'd probably have been horrified and made every attempt to get as far away from it as possible. Here are some examples:

Here we have a greenhouse or a nursery or an arboretum or something. I realize a lot of people get tremendously excited around plants for some reason, but in this case I mostly just see a leafy obstruction. It's bad enough I have to worry about getting "doored" all the time; this installation opens up the possibility of getting "planted" as well.

These people took over a parking space up by Columbia University to have a "fancy party." If there's one thing New York has way, way too much of it's overpriced "brunch" spots serving eggs Benedict to hung-over wealthy people. It's also bad enough that many of these establishments don't have the decency to keep their clientele inside and out of sight, and instead set up tables for them to dine on the sidewalk. So the thought of "brunch" actually spilling over past the curb and into the street is almost too sickening to bear. Then again, it is kind of nice to see them in the gutter. Still, though, I'd much rather have streets lined with cars than with rich people dining decadently. At least stray cats can sleep under cars.

Unlike normal entertainers who are actually sought out, street entertainers do stupid things nobody wants to watch, and as such they must perform in crowded public places so people who don't particularly want to be entertained are forced to look at them anyway. And when it comes to people who make you watch what they're doing, jugglers rank just a tiny bit above mimes and flashers. Creating spaces in which jugglers are free to congregate and fling things up into the air publicly instead of in their homes where they belong can only lead to an explosion of mimes, flashers, hacky-sackers, human statues, naked cowboys, and people who drum on buckets that will facilitate New York City's transformation from a cultural capital into a giant liberal arts college campus.

I don't understand tea. I know people say tea is relaxing, or soothing, or healing, but that's not true in my experience. To me, it's just hot water that tastes vaguely like something else. Of course, I realize it's possible this is because I don't have a soul to soothe, but nonetheless I suspect the power of tea is something people believe in just because other people believe it too. Drinking tea is kind of like when you buy a hallucinogen, aren't sure if it's real or not, and sit around waving your hand in front of your face waiting for something to happen. (I think I saw a trail!) If I drink something I like it to have an immediate and irrefutable effect, like liquor does. I suppose there are certain laxative teas that might have an immediate effect, but that's something else entirely. In any case, I wasn't "moved" by the tea party. (Laxative teas notwithstanding.)

As ridiculous as some of the other parking spaces were, at least they didn't involve motor vehicles. I'm not sure what the point of this one is--it just looks like a car wash. Then again, you have to feel compassionate towards the people of Queens, who have been so molested by cars over the years that it's probably impossible for them to conceptualize anything that doesn't involve them somehow. They can't not think about cars. It's sort of like how the theme of death inevitably appears in the films of Ingmar Bergman.

Ah, yes, public meditation. How spiritual. This is perfect in Williamsburg, where you aren't doing something if the rest of the neighborhood can't see you doing it too.

Finally, something I can get behind! This parking space even had an internet connection. That's me waving on the right.

I can also get behind the "Green the Ghetto" concept, though my own green-themed parking spot in Park Slope didn't go over so well. Of course, that might be because I put a different spin on "green." No sooner had I finished setting up my space than my bong was confiscated, my inflatable lounge chair was deflated, and my cable TV hookup was disconnected. (Emboldened by visions of a car-free future I had taken the liberty of splicing into someone's line.) I was right in the middle of "Family Guy" too! Man, those Park Slope mommies can be sooo touchy.

Thank goodness for that free wi-fi over at the Park n' Write, where I spent the rest of the day watching YouTube videos, being green, and partying like it was a Wednesday.

435 comments:

1 – 200 of 435   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

All you podium hunters can suck my balls

Critical Ass said...

AYHCSMB

Anonymous said...

Let Levi Ride

Critical Ass said...

And I read it too...something about a plant sale?

kale said...

Podium?

mendacity said...

podium!

Mark said...

Top Ten!

Anonymous said...

holy shit!

Anonymous said...

holy shit!

I'm a fucking idiot, I forgot to sign in the first time.

- Anonymous 2:15 / Anonymous 12:50 OG / Masshole

streepo said...

last!!!

Anonymous said...

My first top ten, big whoosh!

BurnFromWithin said...

"and how much better the world would be if the streets were lined with freaks instead of Hondas."

awesome

Bongo McStoner said...

Like totally mazal tov dude

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Gnarles Darwin said...

"PELA TON!"

Bill said...

I especially enjoyed the implication that juggling is busking's gateway drug to harder stuff like mime.

Jim said...

That 'cloud car' looks more like "Burning Abandoned Car on the L.I.E." or perhaps "Just Stolen then Ditched in Van Cortlandt Park Car."

Well, except there's no hypodermics strewn on the street next to it.

JIM N said...

Self-righteous activists vs. entitled drivers - who can save us from this vicious cycle of bourgeois squabbling? Apparently, a bunch of old Jews. Hooray for the Upper West Side!

(P.S.: I support the self-righteous activists!)

michael said...

Woohoo top 20, and I read it!

OG Anonymous 2:15 / OG Anonymous 12:50 OG / OG Masshole said...

#9 - Thanks. That was hilarious to about one person in this universe. Congrats on finding him.

Kale - I forgot to mention even I thought he'd actually gotten it by the end, but it turned out I was wrong. Nice call.

frilly said...

Was that head thingy meditating on a cone of smugness?

Jim said...

By the way, did you hear that the other big bike race ended last weekend? I think it's called the "Velvet" or the "Vulva" or something and it happens in France or Africa or somewhere. That dude Letle Viride apparently lost again. If the saying is "always a bridesmaid, never a bride," then Mr. Viride always seems to end up half drunk on whisky sours, holding a bouquet, and wearing a wicked ugly green dress with white pumps. Like the saying goes, you should Lead, Follow, or get out of the sport.

Anonymous said...

ALL YOU HATERS SUCK MY BALLS

bikesgonewild said...

...just sitting here drinking my "hot water that tastes vaguely like something else" & enjoying the idea that some folks would get out & actually do things on "parking day"...sez something at least...

...oh, wait, this is yerba mate'...tea w/ balls, makes ya ride yer bike like a fiend...think i'll have another cup & burn up some miles...my "reality" is different (thank the great spirit) & i get to ride when all those masses of dumb cyclist's aren't 'weekending' around, getting in my way...

bk jimmy said...

update on the AYHCSMB rim...

kale said...

BSNYC/RTMS:

Time to get cafepress to make you a coffee mug with the "All you haters...". Preferably in chartreuse.

ant1 said...

Time to get velocity to make a production AYHSMB rim.

ant1 said...

preferably in neon green.

Johann S said...

Hey!

kale said...

Cycle cap with a chartreuse bill that says AYHSMB?

Mongo Pusher said...

Niermann!

flip phillips said...

@ bk jimmy -

Well played, bk jimmy, well played.

Anonymous said...

ALL YOU HATERS SUCK MY BALLS


love- Video_Drome_Chicago

kale said...

Sir, I would like to purchase one gross of your finest AYHCSMB Velocity Deep-V rims. I hear Chris Hoy is training on one, along with a Prolly Special Edition Aerospoke front, right at this present moment.

Your Rabbi said...

BikesnobNYC, you do so have a Nefesh.

Anonymous said...

Dear BikeSnobNYC,

I have been reading your blog ever since "Cycling, Blogging and the Grey Lady".

You are definitely a humorist that stands up to the American Greats of Will Rogers and Mark Twain.

Pure, unmitigated Genius.

bikesgonewild said...

...all you sippers can sup on my tea balls...

...care for some lemon & honey ???...

Gerchof Sirdribeldik said...

In America is easier to have good bowel movements. In motherland toilets can be very disgusting. Here is encouraging to deposit large moist hots ones.

t.orso said...

In defence of mimes...

On a stroll, as I am crossing a crosswalk where all drivers are required to stop, but most don't, and many see how close they can get without hitting you, a black SUV stops well back from the line. I look at the driver, a black man with white makeup covering his face. I cross, he nods, and then he makes his turn carefully.

His vanity plate reads A MIME.

At first I was thinking he shouldn't have all that hardware. Isn't he breaking some mime code? But on the other hand, he was an extraordinarily careful driver.

I think I get it: mimes make a careful study of the way things are done, and then they do them in the correct way.

Don't pick on mimes. Give them cars.

frilly said...

I love that wheel. I only wish they had a female version, although no matter what's subbed its more of a come on than an insult.

Which admittedly can be one in the same.

Jim-what's really sad is that Levi is about to be demoted from Maid of Honor to just a regular bridesmaid.

ant1 said...

Frilly - how bout all you haters can toss my salad. It's unisex.

genersal lsmenedd said...

"parking day" is a so called "fake holiday" invented by the trade group representing the makers of artificial grass.

kale said...

A pink Deep-V rim:

"All you haters can support breast cancer awareness... and suck my balls"

frilly said...

I was thinking all you haters can choke on this.

However that implies something which might not be an altogether unpleasant experience. Hence the come on vs. insult dilemma.

Sheesh, I'll just stick with the armadillos.

O ' Bama said...

Park(ing) day, thats #8 on my top ten ways to solve global warming.
right after top off the air in your bicycle tires.

Anonymous said...

messengers hate mondays too i'm afraid.

kale said...

All you haters lick my chamois.

Jim said...

Frilly, I think you may be right.

So what's the deal - now that he's not going to be the maid of honor, what kind of bridesmaid does Mr. Viride get to be? Based on extensive field studies, I believe that bridesmaids usually fit into some sort of stereotypical pattern.

Ulrich pretty much locked up "fat bridesmaid all your friends at the wedding find insanely attractive but you just don't see it. You are being charitable when you figure she could stand to lose 20 pounds. And what's up with all the sweating?

Michael Rasmussen pretty much owns forever the "hot but too-skinny bridesmaid who appears to have a serious eating disorder and to be mildly psychotic." Mid-dinner, she suddenly runs off to the bathroom. When she gets back she says she just got back from Mexico. Only problem is, the wedding's in Maine.

What does that leave us with?

Just "reasonably attractive bridesmaid with whom you simply cannot connect." She's okay looking, strong on paper, fit, and you seem to to kinda hit it off. You know you should like her because she's obviously smart and can carry on a conversation without having an attack of Tourettes, and she seems to like you. Then you hook up, but the next day you realize you made an enormous mistake, you'd never find her attractive in the least if (1) your last girlfriend hadn't been arrested; or, (2) if you were sober. When you're unable to come up with a plausible lie for why you're ditching her, she's totally cool with you being an ass, and thanks you for a wonderful night anyhow, like she was expecting to contact you later for job references or something.

I knew Letle Viride looked familiar...

frilly said...

Perfectly disgusting!

Nothing 'tingly' about that.

Commiecanuk said...

I'm celebrating Park(ed) day by parking to work, using a laptop plugged into my ciggie lighter and occasionally swinging open my car door. It's for the environment, the world cannot go on when the three largest sources of C02 gas emissions are:
1. Farting cows
2. Decaying trees
3. Farting Hippie cyclist as the return from their vegan lunches.

Every single vegan burrito is one small crack in the glaciers..we should all learn from Al Gore and contain our C02 and slowly swell until the expected explosion at 65 yrs old.
Three-bean salad? Might as well drive a Hummer, asshole.

Stuggy said...

I would buy a BSNYC/RTMS coffee mug with a pic of a green All You Haters... rim on it. Maybe the RTMS Approve logo on one side, and the AYHCSMB logo on the other?

Just sayin'

Monetize and all that...

Commiecanuk said...

From Velonews:

Lance Armstrong announces TDF comeback with new flashy rear rims stating, "all you haters can suck my ball".

Critical Ass said...

***Park(ing) day, thats #8 on my top ten ways to solve global warming.
right after top off the air in your bicycle tires.***

Seems like I'm always topping off the air in my tires lately. It started about the time I brought home that Goddamn parrot.

Stuggy said...

Jim, 4:13.

You've obviously hooked up with waaaaay too many bridesmaids. In my experience, the horny bridesmaid is a stereotype that hasn't held up.

I have a wedding to go to this Friday. Here's hoping the horny bridesmaid stereotype proves true for a change...

Stuggy said...

Hey, Critical Ass- How 'bout that retarded parrot? I watched that, and I was like "Whaaaaaa??????" Smart enough to let the air out, stupid enough to be scared every time it did let air out, and compulsively continued to let the air out... Wacky bird, that one.

frilly said...

To clarify-the disgusting is in regards to used chamois. Ewww.

Jim, why should she be cool? Because you could always be tapped in the future for the friends with benefits category.

So while it may seem that Levi's getting screwed, which he sorta is, he's still gonna get paid (well). And he'll probably still have opportunities to ride for himself at minor events. Now, poor Klodie, geez, he's not even gonna be a bridesmaid. He'll be like the girl who watches over the guest book.

frilly said...

Stuggy you make me sorry that all my friends are now married & no more 'bridesmaiding'.

Anonymous said...

Jim, that was poetic.

george said...

The Ingmar Bergman Queens Deal was Perfect!! I fucking love this blog!!! All you haters can suck my balls. Twice.

genersal lsmenedd said...

AYHCSMBSNYCRTMS

Anonymous said...

All YOU MATERS BUCK SY HALLS

Anonymous said...

sukb alls

Anonymous said...

A YOKEL BACCHANAL SLUMS SULTRY

Anonymous said...

Folks, there's no "can" in AYHSMB.

Gramatically, speaking, it probably should probably be written as either "AYH,SMB" or perhaps "AYH:SMB" -- in either version the "you" is understood.

Anonymous said...

Critical ass, that was classically funny, i busted out at work on that one...parrot...who'da thunk anyhow!!!

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:33

Indeed. Anyway it would be "All you haters may suck my balls."

For that matter where is wishiwasmerckx because he's been bugging me because he should be wishiweremerckx or maybe wishiwereasmerckxoncewas?

kale said...

anon 7:33-

Thanks for the reminder; just a habit of linguistics. We should also remember to CAPITALIZE IT EVERY TIME AS WELL.

W.M.Deez Nuts said...

The content of this blog has something so very in common with the behavior it is admonishing...Just another self-important New Yorker crying out for someone to pay attention to him. I suppose the difference would be that we come to you instead of you rudely interrupting us.

With each post about fixed gears...the fixed gear apocolypse you are predicting has already arrived.

You are the Laocoon or Cassandra of the hipster NY bike set. Kudos.

Anonymous said...

68th! Didn't even read the post, just came right here!

kale said...

FYI

mr. ed said...

All you haters muck my stalls.

Andy Pandy said...

Just an opportunity for trendoid apartment dwellers to get some additional sunlight for their hydro crop. And Letle would be the bridesmaid from Godfather One…. And Frilly, the divorce rate is in the order of 50% so hang on in there and you will get to be a bridesmaid again and again and again and relive that day of pain …. Just bitter

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 8:14, my dear friend. My crimes on this site against grammar, spelling, syntax and punctuation are truly minor compared to many of my fellow commentators. Even if your alternatives may be tighter gramatically, they lack the pithiness of my chosen moniker. Besides, I'd settle for Eddy's life today. He's had a great ride, figuratively, for decades after he hung up his wool Molteni jersey for good. But "wishiwereasmerckxistoday" is simply too unwieldy.
Warmest regards,
wishiwasmerckx

Skee-lo said...

"I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good; I would call her."

Stuggy said...

Awwww, Frills, you're so sweet!

I guess it's good you don't have any more bridesmaid friends left, 'cos they'd hate having to compete with you!

Tevya said...

wishiwasarichman

wishihadamerckx said...

All you grammarians suck my trolls.

genersal lsmenedd said...

AYHSMBSNYCRTMS

Tom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

A CLUNKY CALABASH SMELT SOURLY

Giles said...

What the hell is a bodega, and where can I get one, anyway?

The Big Green Eddy said...

Did somebody say "bodega?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11nsZ3lEWD0

deprogram said...

"This is especially true for cyclists, who after a couple of days of epic two-weeled conquests..."

Weel:
a. & adv. - Well.
n. 1 - A whirlpool.
2 - A kind of trap or snare for fish, made of twigs.

What? I didn't even know it was a word. Nice one, Snob.

frilly said...

andy pandy, funny you should mention the 50% divorce rate. Sometimes when people ask me why I haven't gotten married yet, I tell them that I'm waiting for all my ex-boyfriends to get divorced. The way I see it, by then their expectation levels will be so low, that I can do no wrong.
Am I bitter? No way, I've already dated two of them again.

Anonymous said...

wired wiki on how to play bike polo - http://howto.wired.com/wiki/Play_Bike_Polo

Dr. Phil/commie said...

Frilly, re-dating exs after divorce?
Is there that much of a single straight guy shortage in NY? (assuming we're not talking girls,...nothing wrong with that, especially when photographed)
Seriously, that's like fishing out an old danish from yesterday's garbage to finish eating it, or Homer's love affair with that huge sub sandwich that turned purple and repeatedly put him in the hospital.

(Homer, the Simpson, not Homer, the Greek poet)

kale said...

Dr. P...

Best. Episode. Ever.

frilly said...

mmmm, old danish.

Its St Louis & yeah, sometimes it feels like the pickings are mighty slim.

I look at it as low maintenance dating. The ex isn't looking for anything too serious & that keeps me from having to 'settle' down. Yes, I am a total commitment phobe. Funny too that you should mention the girl thing. That came up in a conversation the other day. I've never tried to get a girlfriend so I don't know.

Now back to the bike thing, Velonews is reporting that Contador might look for a transfer if Lance joins Astana.

Anonymous said...

Mr. ed,

Nice one.

xo, -W

Jim said...

FIRST!!!!!

Oh shit, this is yesterday's post, isn't it?

Dammit.

Someday I'll win.

Ps. Frilly, just FYI, I hardly ever bedded [m]any bridesmaids. Always the bridesmaids, never the bride. Well, just that once. And that was *totally* legal.

frilly said...

Marriage is totally cool & I have a lot of respect for people who go through with it. Its just not for me, not now anyway.
Which is why I always loved being the bridesmaid. Its one of the few times a one night stand is forgiveable.

PS Glad I held off on ordering my Astana shirt. Also in the Velonews interview, they actually asked Contador who the bigger wheelsucker is, Levi or Cadel. I love this stuff!!!! Better than any soap opera.

Anonymous said...

LOL jim, RTMS must be greening the ghetto again today and forgot to post.

AH said...

I *am* the 50% divorce rate (so far).

kale said...

Podumb!

ant1 said...

Kale - awesome!

Dr. Phil said...

Frilly, you need to culture that sexual fetish for obese bald Texans with a gay mustache, ..then get back to me, m'kay?

John Marr said...

Calling the brownish fluid commonly served as tea in this country is like calling those approximately two-wheeled things the retards put together in the Walmart back room "bicycles."

Perhaps you should try the real thing

william said...

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