Worst of Craigslist: Full-Blown Pornographic Bike Love

There's little question we are living in trying times. Cellphones are popping popcorn. (Though nobody's sure if it's the microwaves or the cheesy ringtones.) Tom Boonen is on cocaine. (As if the EuroHawk didn't give it away.) And a certain person who's really strong but never wins races is actually winning races. (Click here for the spoiler.) So amid all this strife, where can the troubled cyclist turn? Why, Craigslist of course, where love and romance spring eternal. Here's the latest spewage from that septic geyser:

Glad you wear a helmet, but you should really get blinky lights! - m4w - 27 (Kent under the bklyn bridge) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/711965266.html]

Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2008-06-08, 3:28AM EDT

Hey you!

I was biking around 3am on this Saturday night, going home all buzzed and happy from dancing, standing up on the pedals to catch that breeze and keep cool, when I saw you ahead of me.

I thought to myself, "man it totally sucks that I would be a total creep to talk to this girl while we're riding!" Thus decided, I passed you without comment. (Though I was thinking "HI! I'm drunk. I love biking drunk. La la la" and "Man, I'm glad that girl is wearing a helmet, but she needs some lights! Safety first.") But yes, I forced myself to not be weird and talk to you.

Until you greeted me with a simple "sup!"

I looked back and there you were, black dress, basket, happily biking along. :) I managed to say "hey!!!!" and then biked away, afraid to appear weird by starting a conversation.

But here I am, home, and I can't get you out of my head. Even if you never write back, go you for actually being friendly! But if you do see this... do you want to go fly kites in the park and bike to the beach?

Bye~

Hey you! You know, I'm not one of these people who whines about the gentrification of New York City, and I suspect that many of those who do complain about it weren't around to experience the theft, violence, and urine first-hand. (Well, the urine's still around, so you can sample that all you want.) That said, there is a price to pay for a better quality of life, and that price comes in the form of giddy, puckish, whimsical, kite-flying dandies like you. Tragically, now that the sharp corners have been padded and the electrical outlets have been child-proofed, Brooklyn has become a giant romper room for latent adolescents who are free to traipse about at all hours unmolested. So I find myself conflicted. I don't want another crime wave, yet I do want one to come crashing down on you like a tsunami on a big wave surfer. Really, there are places where you're actually supposed to act like a 17 year old when you're 27, and those places are all in California. So please, go there, take your parents' financial assistance with you, and let the rents come back down for the grown-ups who have to work for a living.

guy on light blue bike - w4m - 20 (potions cafe) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/711613207.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-07, 6:56PM EDT

i was sitting in the window of potions cafe and snuck many peeks at you as you we're getting on your bike across the street. you had an extra green frame over your chrome bag. there's nothing to write really. just thought you were handsome.....that's all :)

Since the famous Bust magazine piece, male fixed-gear riders all over Brooklyn are feigning mechanical ineptitude in the hopes that their distress might lead to full-on pornographic scenarios. And logically, if a simple flat-fix can result in coitus between two Dumpsters, then imagine the possibilities inherent in a complete parts swap to a new frame! This is surely why this fellow is carrying an extra. Are the bike shops of today the sex clubs of tomorrow? Is the bike boom the next sexual revolution? Are we close to a day when the streets will be lined with Park Tool repair stands and couples performing overtly erotic repairs? Very possibly. In light of this I urge you to pick your bike porn name immediately.

Unfortunately this particular poster did not get the hint. Hopefully though she did at least enjoy the tea at Potions, which according to their Myspace page is "hand crafted by real people in China, India, and other nations." There are real people in China, India and other nations? Who knew?!?

Asian Yellow Cab Driver - Last Night - w4m - 26 (Chelsea) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/711004033.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-07, 9:44AM EDT

You are bald, round headed, cute baby face, americanized, glasses, white t-shirt, driving a yellow cab around 11pm last night.

We saw each other but then you looked away to let the passengers in.
You drove off taking a quick glance at me before you past.

I was gonna hop in your cab and flirt with you since I was drunk.
I was at 28th st and 10th ave.

I am 5'5 , white girl, blonde hair, pothead, and drink a bit.
I love to rollerblade, bike, jog, movies, and getting high.

Please get back to me as all my dates are jerks and assholes and all they want is to get me drunk then date rape me.

All these guys act so friendly and nice and its disgusting to really get to know them.

Really, who doesn't love to movies and getting high? It's a good thing she specified she's a pothead, because I don't think I would have figured it out otherwise. The end of the post certainly does take a troubling turn, though. It could be that the nascent sexual revolution has already turned ugly. I'm guessing there are too many mixed messages out there. Help a fellow with his bike and next thing you know he's urging you towards some refuse containers. Come on, men, sometimes a flat-fix is just a flat-fix.

Jamie Favaro who won the Great NYC Commuter Race - m4w [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/705922274.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-03, 9:03AM EDT

You are cute and fast, will you go out with me? We can talk about the NYC Complete Streets Plan and you can help me learn how to ride my bike a little better.

It's been said that the winner of the Great NYC Commuter Race gets to write her own ticket, and that's proving to be true once again. Whether Jamie uses that ticket to start a coaching service, or to start dating anonymous internet stalkers, or some combination thereof, remains to be seen. Just be careful, Jamie. There are a lot of creeps out there. (See above.)

riding my bike...the look back - w4m (williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/705229590.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-02, 6:05PM EDT

me: riding my white and pink vintage schwinn fiesta...with my blond red bike buddy
you: at your house. long hair. glam rock with a little hipster in it. just woke up behind a fence?

oh the sundays!

anyways caught you looking bc i couldn't stop...

i rode by
...should have rode back
...hi my name is...

Awww, yeah. Okay, this clinches it. In the 70s we saw an energy crisis, a bike boom, and a porn explosion. In the oughts or whatever we're in now we're seeing an energy crisis, a bike boom, and a porn explosion. Except this one seems to involve Williamsburg and quasi-homeless people. Still, though, I think if you found someone who had accidentally been locked in a freezer in some Brooklyn basement in the 70s and thawed him out today he'd have no idea anything had changed. Even his moustache would still be in style. (Though he wouldn't realize it was ironic now.)

Outside of bike store on Grand and Berry Sunday around noon - m4w (Williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/703876071.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-06-01, 6:18PM EDT

There you were, backlit and smiling as you walked past my friends and I, the masterful bike technician, inflating my friends bike tires. You caught me staring and presenting uncharacteristic whim when I returned the smile. Maybe you were lost or wanted another pass at my buns of steel, but you came around once more while I was moving on to the back tire. Possibly the longest bike inflation of my life, I wanted to say hello when you were certain of your first direction but unsure how to manage passing for a third time.

You are an earthy, silk skinned brunette, a delightful woman wearing a long cotton dress and inviting burgundy lips. Maybe we can go for an aimless walk together or volunteer our time to a recycling plant, or maybe a drink.

I am 5'10" with short black hair and Jewish\Greek features. Think dionysus mixed with lance armstrong. Everything but the belly schvetting.

It's official: the World's Smarmiest Cyclist is on the move--and on the make--in Brooklyn. Ladies, if you're looking, you can find him clad in the coveted Maillot Douche and feigning sexual acts on friends' bicycles as you pass. Indeed, the bike boom/sexual revolution has found its Ron Jeremy. I picture him wearing a pair of threadbare Nashbar half-shorts and pedaling a Schwinn Varsity conversion. Disgusting.