Thursday, May 22, 2008

Matters Great and Small: Flitting Around Various Items of Note

Firstly, it's already been pointed out by a number of commenters recently, but I'd like to officially announce that I'm on the back page of the current issue of VeloNews. I hope you'll forgive my boasting, but this is something of a milestone for me in that it includes actual pen-and-ink comic accompaniment. Not only that, but the likeness of me is staggeringly accurate. (And if you think trackstanding long enough for the artist to draw me was easy, think again.)


If you're looking for a copy at a newsstand, it's the one with the slavering professional cyclist on the cover. Also, please note the article about ceramic bearing upgrades. This is a crucial upgrade which I can personally vouch for. I've installed ceramic bearings in all four casters on my blogging chair per Lennard Zinn's instructions, and I've already noticed a .0006% increase in my output. I can also spin for days without stopping if I so choose.

I'd also like to point out the irony that I've been published in the "journal of competitive cycling" not in spite of but because of the fact that I'm an extremely poor competitive cyclist. This proves something I've been telling the many people I've disappointed over the years, which is that failure when done well is its own form of success.

Speaking of irony, at the very moment I was typing my pedantic screed about the excesses of the fixed-gear craze yesterday, the New York Times was lumping me right in with it:


I particularly enjoyed the fact that I was mentioned in the same breath as a collabo. Of course, I have enough perspective on things to understand that this blog is a part of the fixed-gear phenomenon, whether I like it or not. Hey, I own a fixed-gear bike, too. Not only that, but I even ride it in cutoff shorts and a t-shirt once in awhile. (You know, if I'm just nipping across town for a pedicure and an orange julius or something.) Really, is there that much difference between me and the guy in the picture from yesterday's post?

Uh, yeah, of course there is! Those giant freaking glasses!!! (I thought I was over it but I just got angry all over again. Even though it was apparently all a joke in the first place, according to the King Kog site. See? I told you I'm not a part of "bike culture!" Once again, LOU=A.)

So sure, from the Times's vantage point, as cyclists we're all the same. But I maintain it's vital to scrutinize everything up close and focus on the things that make us different, not the things we have in common. If we don't do that then we all run the risk of forming some sort of community where we all share in the joys of cycling or something. And that's just icky. And anyway, I receive my share of anger from others and I don't mind. Here's a comment from Tuesday's first post:

Prince Gutta said...

Epicly failured attempt at humor. Another reason I want to strangle the asshole who runs this bogus ass website.

Personally I don't consider it a successful day if I'm not the target of a strangulation attempt. If anything, I'm dying to know the other reasons Prince Gutta wants to strangle me. He only alludes to them. He does say "bogus ass website," though. Maybe he's an ass fetishist and was bitterly disappointed to find the content here was not what he expected. (Though in my defense, I've never claimed this was actually an ass website. And judging from the strangulation reference he may be into auto-erotic asphyxiation as well, like Michael Hutchence. In that case I hope he stays away from me.)

While I'm on the subject of people who want to do bad things to me, awhile back I mentioned that someone actually spit on me. Here's the picture I took that day:


Well, I saw him again this morning and I managed to get another shot:



I took the photo not to embarrass him but as an attempt to get over the trauma of that day's events, which still haunt me as I type. If you've seen Clockwork Orange and remember the part where Alex winds up back at the house of the woman he raped in the beginning of the film and her husband trembles in terror as he realizes he's once again face-to-face with his wife's attacker then you know how I felt. Despite the fact that I was shaking violently I managed to operate my camera, though I did stay well out of spitting distance.

I hope you'll forgive me for hopscotching from subject to subject, but apart from the spitter there's another two-wheeled menace roaming the streets of New York City, and his name is David Byrne. Gothamist reports (and Byrne himself corroborates) that he got on his bike after drinking, took a spill on the 14th street pave, and cracked a few ribs.

Personally, I'm disgusted that Byrne wasn't prosecuted. These rock stars and their chemical-fueled rampages are a menace to decent society. I've had it up to here with tales of Byrne and his ilk tossing television sets and baby cribs out of hotel windows, driving their Lamborghinis all over decent people's cornfields, and throwing flaming bundles of cash at old people. I don't care if Byrne was in the Blue Öyster Cult--he should be punished to the full extent of the law! (His crushing riff on "Godzilla" notwithstanding.)

I'm also completely against riding while under the influence. That sort of thing should be done on closed courses on singlespeed mountain bikes only. I'm ashamed to admit that even I have ridden after having one too many. In fact, I'm lucky to be alive. Not long ago I was at a bar with some friends. One drink turned to several, and before I knew it I was smashed. Suddenly, I remembered there was someplace I needed to be, and stupidly I got on my bike. It's a miracle I made it to Prospect Park in one piece, and I can safely say that that was the single worst road race I've ever suffered through in my life.

In closing, today is the 125th birthday of the Brooklyn Bridge, and there's apparently some kind of "birthday blowout" planned. Despite the fact that it's crawling with tourists, I still like to use the Brooklyn Bridge sometimes, because as any pre-war track racer or sex worker can tell you, there's nothing quite like riding on wood. They're definitely making a big deal about this birthday, too. Recently they installed this in the pavement, which should serve as a nice new surface for the fixed-gear riders to skid on:



The bridge is also lined with these big party boxes:


I'm not sure what the party itself is going to be like, and I don't intend to find out either. I'll definitely be taking a different bridge to get home. Unless there's going to be cheese, that is.

78 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Jim said...

Yay

daddo.one said...

third?

Anonymous said...

so close

Splic said...

So close!

Anonymous said...

so close!!!

ant1 said...

top 5

daddo.one said...

why do i get the feeling the snob is on the west coast these days?

the time stamps just don't jibe

i have a feeling that the NYC part of our favorite blog is a model or a hip street in Pasadena "filling in" for NYC.

i love david byrne - been a big fan for years and years. that he rides around nyc onhis bike from art event to music event etc. is super cool.

get better soon, david!

Gilmour1 said...

Mmmm, Orange Julius. A blast from the past, RTMS...

Pappy said...

The Snob conquers Velo News, a beautiful thing surely. And you talk of the end being in sight for this blog - it's only the beginning. Soon enough you'll be sipping martinis in the VIP box at Tour de France w. L. Zinn himself, each of you im matching yellow racing caps, grinning like bigshots.

chock-fulla said...

Hey Snob,
Thanks for being so candid....its all so warm and fuzzy (that's got nothing to do with this being an ass site).

bother yam said...

Dude! David Byrne wasn't in BOC, man. That was Brian Eno. Byrne was in Thin Lizzy.

Anonymous said...

Thin Lizzy!

Awesome...

justacoolcat said...

Way to sell out. I imagine you'll be making a 'Segway Snob NYC' next?

I keed. I keed.

tominator said...

I agree with daddo.one. Time stamps are three hours off.

Are you on your honeymoon in California, Ian Abramson?

Neil said...

Snob, can you tell me were you get those sweet spokeless wheels with run-flat technology??

I think them there wheels are the key to my passing a few cat 5 races!!

AnnaZed said...

Someone mentioned Pasadena, where I am. That is just weird. For the record RTMS would implode like a dark star if he was stuck in my body on one of my sorry bikes.

I'm just sayin'.

Cameron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
urchin said...

Now I believe if you look back over the archives there was at least one post featuring ass front and center. At least fixie-pedaling crack. I only bring this up because I was reminded of that post this morning as I was forced to ride behind a hairy plumber's crack peeking over the obligatory studded belt astride a crappy brown (and now inexplicably ubiquitous) Peugeot 10-speed. Double yuk.

Careful what kind of crowd you attract, manicure boy...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Stop harshing on David Byrne. YOU try riding a fixie in a big suit like that. You'll break a rib or two as well.

OpenYourEyes said...

After reviewing yesterdays post, might I suggest you take this test. I only bring it up because of the still lingering anger.

Granted, I subscribe to Zach de la Rosa's pronouncement that 'anger is a gift', but perhaps the test will shed more light on your 'core essence' and your 'emotions and behavior'. This undoubtedly will lead to insights you have been longing for and, apparently, unable to reach. Thusly you will bridge the gap between what you experience (anger and repulsion) and who you are (a guy? with two nipples, some fame, a camera, a blogger account and a love for cheese).

Embrace your essence, realize you aren't screwed up (like Paul has) then go for a ride.

C'mon Snob, get moving.

Polygraf said...

Speaking of callabos, thin lizzy brain eno and all, BSNY-this site somehow channels psychic powers- I rode in this morning on the BBridge while listening to "My Life in the Bush of Ghost"- the Eno/Byrne 81 callabo- very weird. What should I listen to on the way home?

Cameron said...

from the looks of the spitting commuter's physique, he hasn't ridden since the last time you saw him.

123pete said...

this was funny!
i <3 your blog!
do you ride a fixed gear?
how many bikes do you have?
wow!

123pete said...

ian abramson? i hope thats not your name, cause that name sucks.
i googled your name, "ian", and if this is you, you look like you might suck.

http://www.math.ucsd.edu/~www/images/profile_photos/IMAGE_2000.jpg

congrats on velonews!!

Anonymous said...

So that big glasses, pink ass pack limp pose photo shoot was supposed to be a joke?
Even their sense of humor sucks.

Strayhorn said...

Don't kid us - you took that photo of the spitter to illustrate the fact that he has a HUGE ass.

123pete said...

ok, only one more snob.

if you are in fact the competitive cyclist with the very hot, sizzling track-stand specific tires, did you notice you are riding a "poser" frame?
uh oh!

kls750 said...

I love the King Kog response: "Oh that was a joke. Only you're not cool enough to get it."

Emily said...

I've never been able to ride drunk without flatting out. Because once I'm drunk I am convinced I can hop curbs at high speeds. Then I have to call for a ride because I definitely can't fix a flat drunk.
It aint nice to drop your friends when you're riding home from a party, especially someone as awesome as Cindy Sherman. Geez David!! Treat her nice!

Anonymous said...

The bag, hat and glasses all at the same time? Duh! of course its 'funny dress up day'.

Anonymous said...

David Byrne cracked a couple ribs after crashing his bike? And he was riding after he had gone out and tied one on?
I'm shocked. SHOCKED . . .
1) That it hasn't been reported on Streetsblog, and . . .
2) That the storyline isn't how far the city has to go to make the streets safer for cycling.

broomie said...

All this talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation, assplay and spitting is making me feel all sweaty and weird.

Thanks Snob!

bikesgonewild said...

...ah, me fine bloggo-skreen droogies...shut yer gobs & open yer brain pans...wee snobby has glommed onto an a-1 sinny-vid w/ talk of "a clockwork orange julius"...

...while our fav-rav now lug-a-chugs the moloko of succezz from podium to pantheon, we can all warble a paean of horrorshow tribs n' love & screech from cornerbars n' bloggo-skreens "hey droogies, i dug that malchicks act before gazettas & shinymags featured our laddy boy"...

..."honest to bog, you could glazz our palaver on that chelloveck's site-blog before wee snobby got warmloved by teeming masses"...

...in the begins, it was like synthmesc addiction, droogies...blogpost w/ snobby & feel like a fix-gear hipster of righteousness...but sad-tearly it crashed down on our grahzny little lumps...it was a rude tolchock cuz we didn't all ascend as a gruppa w/ wee snobby to warmlove heaven when the hand of mediabog reached down from high...

...kicked in the zoobies & left lying on a cold nyc curb in dirty baggy lycra-covs...oh my droogies, can you spare a brother a petrobuck...i just need to chance to stand on my own two wobblies again...

...gratzi, friend...

Anonymous said...

BGW, are you trippin'?

Anonymous said...

BGW, if you are going to live in our country, at least learn to speak the language.

frilly said...

"Nipping out for a pedicure and an orange julius..."

RTMS, you are a chick, I just knew it!

Maybe we can be BFF's and go shoe shopping at DSW and drink cosmopolitans. Later at our sleepover we can talk about girlstuff like roadie lust and how to avoid freaks with ass fetishes and other deviant sexual behaviors. Then we'll videotape our pillow fight & send it to Commiecanuk for his birthday.

Good times.

leroy said...

BGW -- don't mind Anon 3:30 PM. That's just the Ludovico vesch talking.

BSNYC -- a birthday party on the Brooklyn Bridge? Cheese or no cheese, I'm going home via the Manhattan Bridge tonight.

I ain't brave or foolish enough to run the gauntlet of Brooklyn Bridge Birthday tourists.

The Governor said...

BGW, meet me at the moloko bar in Fairfax, you ded bratchny...

veloben said...

123pete,

Wrong Ian. Your guy is a fairly well know mathematician. The guy the Bikesnob ferrets think is RTMS is only 27, into money, got married this past weekend and is honeymooning somewhere three time zones west of the Big Apple.

bikesgonewild said...

...ah, gov...if only we had a 'clockwork orange julius' stand in town...

bikesgonewild said...

...& leroy, old droogie...while the 'ludovico technique' works, w/ the advent of the bloggo-skreens, the really strong minded one's were having their fingerdigi's sown together to mess-up their mad skillz...

frilly said...

BGW--have you been getting too much fresh air again?

ChrisB. said...

Is it true that you don't know "NY bike messengers"?

I'm so disappointed. Like a veil, or a bandana has been removed.

roomservicetaco said...

Snob,

In the pen-and-ink Velonews cartoon, is the word "POSER" on your downtube? I'd say it was "Moser", but that sure looks like the beginnings of a P.

Also, the bike you're on looks suspiciously like a Great Trek Bicycle Marketing Company Madone...was Mr. Buntoni taking subtle swipes at you?

RST

BikeSnobNYC said...

RST,

No subtle swipe--I actually ride a Poser in real life.

--BSNYC

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

Your article linked to a previous article, which did the same; which did the same... I had to stop at 5 links since my workday is done.

Oh Lord Bike Snob, does it ever end? Does it form a hyper complex mathematical formula known only to Islamic Golden Age thinkers (and yourself)?

Anonymous said...

Imitation, the sincerest form of flattery (with acknowledgements)
http://bacycles.wordpress.com/2008/05/22/spotted-canterbury-rd-6pm-tuesday/

roomservicetaco said...

"No subtle swipe--I actually ride a Poser in real life."

Good choice. Heard those bikes are renowned for being laterally stiff and vertically compliant.

Billy Bob the Trucker said...

I'll see you spandex-wearin' queers out on the road....he he heeeeeeeeeeee

Judi said...

BSNY - so you got married, are mentioned in Velo News and the NY Times - all in one week? WHOA. Very cool. Congrats on the wedding (if you really did get married).

Judi said...

P.S. Did I spell anything wrong?

Anonymous said...

nice comic snob! I participated in my first amateur road race this past weekend and it was the MOST annoying and least fun thing I've ever done on a bike and I've been biking a LONG time. I'll stick to mountain and cross races. There were people throwing their water bottles out on the open road, um it's not the tour people nobody is gonna go picking up your trash along the road loser jock road racers... such a bad taste in my mouth. love road riding, hate road racers...

Anonymous said...

Isn't your name spelled "Judy?"

anomimous said...

anonymous 6:18 is a bloody elitist!

Cottered Crank said...

I'm not buying the King Kog line that the photos were all a big joke. Sure, it was self-parody, but was it intentional? I don't think so. Seems more like the protestations of a congressman caught in a sting operation: "Uh, I was doing my own investigation into fraud and influence peddling."

Anonymous said...

prolly's wife is trying to sell his mountain bike, too

rusty said...

Prolly, married? hmmmm. I think not.

Jonathan said...

wow, man bike with free hat.

Andy Pandy said...

Hey BGW on your country providore ride yesterday you did not eat some of the funny mushrooms and see a bunny riding by just sayin…. I’m late I’m late for a very important date. Still in need of cycling cheese to go with a very nicely aged Syrah

Johnny Sprocket said...

Anon of 6.13... I know how you feel. I love bikes... hate cyclists!

sprider said...

bgw, I found it difficult to read "A Clockwork Orange", had to watch the film. Is there a movie version of your comment?

SkidMark said...

Where are you erik k? We need an RTMS Ass sticker!!!

sumadis said...

given your statements regarding drunk cycling via Mr. Byrne's escapades, I pass along this:

http://www.bikeradar.com/news/article/germany-clamping-down-on-drunken-bicyclists-16588

bikesgonewild said...

...andy pandy...the farmer smiled w/ a gleam in his eye & said "eat this...it's organic & it's good for you"...i thought "who am i to question that kinda logic ??? & besides, all this fresh air is making me hungry"...

...& that bunny was on my wheel like boonen on steegmanns in a final kick for the line...damn rabbit scared the bejeebus out a' me...

...hope it works out for you w/ that chick, the nicely aged syrah...she sounds like a woman to enjoy a sharp cycling cheese w/...

...& sprider...my new mantra is "w/ every door that closes on a movie deal for 'a clockwork orange julius', another one opens, right ???...please, hello, is there anybody out there ???"...perhaps i need to fine tune it...

AMRcyclist said...

"Well, I saw him again this morning and I managed to get another shot..." - BSNYC

Not the same guy! You were dreaming!

AMRcyclist said...

anonymous 6:13, we can get told off/fined if trowing bottles around here. MTB racing is the same crap, lots of bar wrapings everywhere.

Off topic too, sh.t!

Chalasmaras said...

lovely, thanks for sharing

Paul said...

I hope you caught this yourself, but in case you didn't. it's pure gold.
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/691410846.html

andwags said...

Hahahha, BSNYC is fixed gear culture spawn according to the times

Anonymous said...

I thought it was the Brooklyn Bridge Birthday Suit celebration. Man, was that embarassing!

frilly said...

BGW-I laughed outloud. Good stuff on the bunny.

We have a lot of rabbits & squirrels around here & I'm just waiting for some crazy shit like that to happen.

Shhh, don't tell anybody but I let a friend talk me into signing up for a sprint triathlon with him in July. So, the other night I went for a run for the first time in months. You can imagine how well that went. I saw a squirrel come down a tree but I didn't see him run away. I swear I thought the little bastard was waiting for me to run by the tree.

Is this my punishment?

Bret Moss said...

Ceramic Bearing upgrades! Your Blogging Chair is officially on DOPE. Please escort yourself to doping controls after finishing Stage 11 of your Grand Blogosphere Tour.

Commiecanuk said...

This is the new "Velonews", where Zinn does an article on ceramic bearing upgrades with the $300 of tools required, and where do you find these tools? Why, on the last pages of advertising.

Thanks, but the world does not need another "Bicycling". I look forward to the "how to raise your saddle" issue, sponsored by Park Tools.

Anonymous said...

I met my husband when I accidentally blew a snot rocket on him. ( This occurred on the bike, not at an art gallery, baby shower, or similar. ) The incident has given both of us somewhat kinder views of expercoration between strangers.

However, I'm willing to concede that it may be an entirely different experience when struck by the wayward spit of a nerdy man with love handles and not a cute girl in a short skirt.

Anonymous said...

коттедж
восстановление зрения
зеленый лазер
электрошокер

dinoibo said...

Sesli sohbet Sesli chat
Seslisohbet Seslichat
Sesli sohbet siteleri Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli Chat
Sohbet Sesli siteler
Sohbet siteleri Chat siteleri
Sohbet merkezi chat merkezi
Sesli merkezi sesli Sohbet merkezi
Sesli chat merkezi Sohbetmerkezi
Sesli Sohbet Sesli Chat
SesliSohbet Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli sohbet siteleri SesliChat
Sesli Sesli siteler
Seslimuhabbet sesli muhabbet
sesli sohbet sesli chat siteleri
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslisohbet seslichat
seslikent sesli kent
sesli sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli chat sesli chat siteleri
seslisohbet seslichat

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi