Monday, March 24, 2008

More BSNYC In Print: The Reign of Terror Continues

At the end of last week I revealed that I had entered the rarified world of cyclists who get special online discounts just for being themselves. At the risk of further alienating my readership, today I’m also proud to announce that I’m apparently a VIC. (That’s a “Very Important Cyclist” to you.) That’s right, I’ve just been published in the Official Program and Ride Guide for the Five Boro Bike Tour, which is sponsored by some bank whose name I’m not going to mention. I’d also like to put additional emphasis on the fact that this is the official program, and not that pirated version floating around that directs you to a totally different starting place where you’re robbed of your bicycle at gunpoint.

In the program, I am published alongside three other VICs. They are: Charles Schumer (he’s from the Senate, and not that lame House of Representatives that anyone can get into); Dan Doctoroff (I don’t know his deal but I’m assured he’s real important); and David Byrne (the guy from the thing I panned awhile back who was also in some band). Coincidentally, this was also the podium of the 1981 Het Volk semi-classic, so I truly am in illustrious company. Anyway, the [whatever] Bank Five Boro Bike Tour is a cool way to see the city. You even get to ride car-free on that weirdo Sufjan Stevens’ favorite thoroughfare, the BQE, so check it out. (Many thanks to Hannah B. of Bike New York for asking me to contribute.)



That said, I’m now going to make sure there’s no remaining good will towards me by hitting you with a surprise Monday post-Easter quiz. As usual, consider the question, read the choices, and click on your answer. If you’re right, you’ll see the item. If you’re wrong, you’ll get this. Good luck!



Retired Classics star Johan Museeuw’s new line of bicycles is constructed from a hybrid of carbon fiber and what other material?

-- Bamboo
-- Flax
-- Hemp
-- Strands from his hair plugs






These oddly-shaped handlebars, which sport a tape job that looks like Bruce Banner’s wardrobe post-Hulkification, belong to:

-- Lennard Zinn of Velonews
-- Bill Strickland of Bicycling
-- Jobst Brandt
-- James Huang of Cyclingnews



Which is NOT an actual quote from the website of Bike Riders Tours, a luxury cycling tour you can find advertised in the pompously irrelevant periodical The New Yorker?

-- “Nothing is between your Cannondale and the road ahead to Donna Teresa's kitchen. Except the distinct sensation of fresh lemon scent as your pedals stroke along Mount Etna's citrus groves.”
-- “We welcome you to stand out from the crowd, to travel small to get more, to go out and say bonjour, to savor the peppery tingle of freshly pressed Umbrian olive oil on real bruschetta, to haul in lobster traps from Maine's Penobscot Bay, or to listen to the invigorating crash of the North Atlantic on the jagged shores of Galway Bay.”
-- “We welcome you to witness the sense of a place, to live the moment, to be saturated in the locale.”
-- “Inhale air heady with the aroma of fresh basil as you urge your bicycletta towards the next village, where a colorful array of charming locals waits to soothe your sore muscles, ply you with homemade wine, and feed your every appetite.”



The PistaDex in New York City is currently at:

-- 520
-- 320
-- 600
-- 800

According to the seller, how much does this bike weigh?

-- 8 pounds
-- 10 pounds
-- 10 kilograms
-- 10 stone

Special BONUS POLL. Simply watch the following videos and make your choice. (No right or wrong answer—full credit given regardless of your choice.)








97 comments:

Jonye West said...

word.

pinchfinger said...

In there!

pinchfinger said...

In there!

Anonymous said...

no way - podium!

O'Bama said...

I'm on first, hill can be second

Anonymous said...

Took the poll and my 1 vote was 100% - quick check and there were 0 posts, could I make it on the podium - almost

john b said...

pack fill

morgan said...

Holy Crap Snob, David Byrne! You've really made it with the best!

I'm kind of jealous.

Anonymous said...

The Bike Riders Tour question (currently) features an incorrect link. The last answer is false, not the third one.

also, this is a funny, enjoyable blog.

OpenYourEyes said...

The Horror! for the I didn't read the post but got the top ten anyway!

Jewbeard said...

not sprinting in the drops???

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:27pm,

The last answer is the false quote, and therefor the correct one, so you get taken to the site. So the link is correct. (Although now even I'm confused.)

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Why don't fixedgear freestylers just get BMX flatland bikes? It's mostly the same tricks, but 10 times better.

Jim said...

If a flawless white tape job on your bars is PRO, then Zinn's tape job is pretty clearly ORP.

murphini said...

before he doth protest too much, methinks the rider in the video who got caught in the cone is BSNYC his-own-self....

Scott said...

I have to say that road racing is certainly dorkier than fixed-gear-freestyling, but I gave up on being cool a long time ago. The things I do are dorky. I admit it.

OpenYourEyes said...

Duh! Come on anon 1:34, it's so simple:

Fixed gear freestylers don't get BMX bikes because they don't want to be childish.

Sheesh. Those 19 year olds deserve their props. Don't suggest a BMX bike- they have WAY outgrown that...

Anonymous said...

That was video from a 1/2/3 race??? was that the B squad?

looked like they were crawling

Anonymous said...

bsnyc - double check the link for the correct answer on the new yorker question.

i need you to add back points to my quiz...

Anonymous said...

Was that from the movie Quicksilver? Where is Louis Anderson when you need em'!

Anonymous said...

Fixed gear tricksters don't get BMX bikes because the tricks aren't the same.

BMX bikes have freewheels, and fixed gears have fixed gears, remember?

Anonymous said...

IT WAS BRUCE BANNER, YOU DUMB MOTHER FUCKER!!!! DAVID BANNER IS A GODDAM RAPPER!!! NEVER INSULT THE HULT!!!!

Anonymous said...

"the guy from the thing I panned awhile back who was also in some band"

This link isnt working.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:02pm,

Ooops! OK, fixed. Wow, Hulk mad!

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

The sport aspect of the 1,2,3 race has some redeeming value to it. I'm not sure what the take away from the free-styling is.

Anonymous said...

HULT mad, not Hulk.....

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:03pm,

Thanks, fixed.

This blogging thing is hard!

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Amateur road racing is dorkier because because there's really no such thing as a pro freestyle fixed rider.

Clayton said...

Did I recognize 3 members of the DART team, including Prolly (is not probably) in that last video?

a double take said...

Aside from what anon 2:10 said....

Chris Carmichael's new book on "winning" has an entire chapter on how to be successful in sex with your wife. And squidlies flock to the stores to buy it.

Fixie kids just aren't there yet. They still succeed with "Hey babe... have another!".

They get an A for effort though.

gaahl said...

That fixie vid somehow got me thinking about Mr. Show. But Mr. Show was funny. Fixed is tupid, oh wait! Fixed is exactly the kind of lame undercurrent Mr.Show would poke fun at.

gttim said...

Doesn't flax flex?

I watched that whole damn video and there wasn't even a wreck? What fun is that? If there is not a wreck, you should inform us!

Anonymous said...

U sold out, Snob- what's next, a talk show, or maybe a spot on Law and Order

Anonymous said...

U sold out, Snob- what's next, a talk show, or maybe a spot on Law and Order

Philip Barrett said...

6:30am, 30 degrees? Down here in Texas that's back-to-bed conditions.

sheriff john bunnell said...

ONE THING'S FOR SURE - ROADIES SURE DO LIKE TO LITTER. HERE'S TO HOPING THEY "CLEAN UP THEIR ACT".

steelciocc said...

meow

bikesgonewild said...

...bikesnob's ongoing acceptance by the mainstream cycling media despite his style of provocation towards the sport he obviously loves is why he's like a 'GOD' to me...

...well, except for those fricking time wasting videos he keeps using which never have any redeeming social qualities whatsoever...

Chris Mayhew said...

Hey Snob, your poll is broken. I was unable to click "yes". Could you fix that?

torturedtaint said...

woogie woogie douchbags

mr.complaint said...

Flax has many benifits. It keeps me regular and reduces my LDL cholesterol. But I would not feed it to my bicycle.

The bicycle being sold weights "ABOUT 10 POUNDS LITE." Whatever that means.

The road riders in the video have a much smaller audience. Which may not mean they are dorkier, they just may be boring.

mr.complaint said...

Ooooo, disembodied fingers!

http://tinyurl.com/2oxc45

Anonymous said...

Not sure what was worse, watching the video of the race or actually knowing the song used in the video came out in 1993...

JIM N said...

Snob, I suspect I know where you got that road race video, and revealing its origin would have tipped the dorky contest to "amateur road" like a small crowd of paid Iraqis tipping a statue of Saddam in a mostly empty square.

xRideVeganx said...

Yawn.

bikesgonewild said...

...come on, xride veganx...simply bored or the pain meds givin' ya a low tolerance for posted crap ???...
...howz za arm ???...

Anonymous said...

The Hulk in comix is Bruce Banner, but on the 70s TV show, Bill Bixby played David Banner.
The snob is revealing both his age & his cultural background with this slip.

Anonymous said...

Was that an off shoot of bumper cars at the end of the fixed gear video? I can't imagine which is dorkier.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:25pm,

Ah--thanks, that explains it. I would have known it from the TV show since I never did read comic books. I prefer watching crap over reading it. Plus, the show had that sad walking-away music.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Sad walking away music !
That's what I listen to while cycling. Hmmm ... maybe that's why I never get anywhere on time.

Anonymous said...

Comment Racing League Newsflash 3/24/08:

We've hired Dick Pounder to head up the doping committee.

Unregistered Coward said...

Where was the bike race. I saw a club ride video, were they going to the race or something like that?

mr. poopers said...

anybody want to smell my finger??

SkidMark said...

if it smells the same as your breath, no thanks

Anonymous said...

You have a knack for finding links that my work's firewall deems "illegal or questionable". I feel so left out.

sprider said...

I sucked at the quiz, but it was kinda fun to play the videos simultaneously and be annoyed only once.

Baz said...

The second video works much better with this soundtrack (wav, 317k)

Anonymous said...

the poll shouldn't be which is dorkier, but which is more disappointing. i really thought there would be lots of people getting hurt, or some equally hilarious payoff. but no... just a bunch of dorks riding in circles (in BOTH videos no less).

great post, bsnyc!

Rusty said...

What's up with ONE clip-on fender? I guess mud on your ass is un-cool, but mud on your face is cool.
Maybe they take off the front fender before they start freestylin'?

Anonymous said...

I wonder, when the time comes and BSYNC's fancy is tickled too hard by the tantalizing feather of fame and finally he reveals himeself, how quickly will the charm fade?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Baz,

I actually just followed your advice. Brilliant!

Anonymous 9:00pm,

Once tickling gets too hard it ceases to tickle and becomes poking. And fame's insistent poking will only drive me deeper into seclusion.

--BSNYC

leroy said...

Bike Snob a Five Boro Bike Tour vic?

Shocking!

Don't worry BSNYC, I signed up to Marshal the tour.

I get a tin star for my jersey and a white cowboy hat to wear over my helmet.

We'll get the Five Boro perp who stole your dignity. Then you won't feel like a vic.

No need to thank me. I know what it's like to lose your dignity.

MB said...

Ah, the Five Boro Tour.

Do it once, and then GTFO. Only ride I've ever done where the marshals were bigger threats to safety than the riders (and that's a seriously high bar, here).

Jim said...

Why does the tour get such a bad rep? It's not a race. It's just a ride with thousands of people. Find some space away from the wobbling toddlers on trail-a-bikes and enjoy yourself.

I'll be there. Look for me on my super trendy fixed-gear conversion. My bar tape color matches the ass-groove in my saddle.

leroy said...

Dear MB --

Fear not, the bar may be high, but I am prepared for the challenge.

I will be toting large amounts of bubble wrap and duct tape.

You can never be too careful.

Anonymous said...

In case anyone is curious, the first person in the fixed gear freestyle video is (former?) Snob regular posted, John Prolly.

Nick said...

Anon. March 24, 2008 1:46 PM

There's a decent longish grade where that video was taken.

Based on memory from mucho years ago.

Nick

Newbwrench said...

As shameful as the freestyle fixie stuff was, sans helmet and so forth, wrecktarded in bad rap soundtracks and as snob points out so eloquently, pop, the freestyler at least is displaying some ability. Ability damnit! Also, clearly, there was a front break involved. Sad to punish those innocent wheels, but there was a spark of talent involved, admit it.

The wanna-be roadies just made me want to cry. In pity. Especially after enjoying Breaking Away last night on FMC.

Anonymous said...

That freestyle...whatever??? what is the point of all that stupid shit??? give me one possible reason for learning to ride a bike backwards...lucky for me, I don't know anyone participating in such retard activities...that shit is for dipshits

sd said...

Holy crap. I have an old VHS tape of my friends and I trying to boneless, and rail slide and stuff... We were no Animal Chin, but we were WAY more entertaining than the ffsers in that video. Can any of them actually stick any trick?

Anonymous said...

the race was the second spring series race of the season. snob was probably in the pack.

Anonymous said...

bicycletta ???

Anonymous said...

At least the freestyling looked fun in a puerile kinda way.

The amateur road 'race' just looked like a bunch of middle-aged men pretending to be racers and being pretty unconvincing at that.

It just looked like they were miserable people who wanted to be even more miserable by cycling in the cold, first thing in the morning. Are they all Catholics or something?

An exercise in futility if ever there was one.

Anonymous said...

if you don't think road racing is fun, puerile or otherwise, you've obviously never done it.

Anonymous said...

bicycletta = italian

didn't the roadie video say 20-30 mph winds? if it's a headwind that could explain the sluggishness of the proceedings.

not to rule out massive dorkiness.

Anonymous said...

@ anon 11:58

"bicycletta = italian"

oh!? which Italy are we talking about?

this one: bicicletta?

or maybe this: bicyclette?

Anonymous said...

Snob Quick ! Put up a new posting ... the a'ight aliens are going to the mattresses !

Anonymous said...

snob is that a picture of your headshock in the 5 boro .pdf ?

what is that brake setup? looks way custom. must be Paul or a maybe Ringle'

mpjito said...

1. Anyone else own the Mangione CD? No? Oh.
2. Who's hand is that holding up the Museeeeuw F1?
3. Openyoureyes wins for best linky, but Baz a close second.

Anonymous said...

The "dorkier voting" will shift dramatically once the freestyler's mothers start to wake them up around 2pm. Please just give them some time for a coffee and quick smoke, and then once they log on watch out.

Anonymous said...

I think the freestylers are dorkier b/c their skills suck. Do a google video search for "rad-artistik" Those ladies have some serious skills. But yeah, the music is pretty lame.

Anonymous said...

I was going to vote the amateur racing as dorkier, thinking that the freestyle fixed gear tricks were actually kind of cool and merited some points. Until I saw that footdown thing. Then they lost all cred.

Ghey ghey ghey.

Commiecanuk said...

"when cycling through olde Manhattan projects, the strum of one's pedaling is matched harmonically by olfactory pulses of fresh spring sewage inter dispersed with jimmie-the-junkie's projectile vomit..in retrospect causing one to close their eyes and think of lush Tuscan valleys and the smell of rosemary bushes. With the sharp click of your Campagnolo pros-only, others fuck off red Record shifters, you sprint away from romantic New York and swerve around that dead hooker's body in the alleyway pensively thinking, money well spent on that Speedvagen..well done sir, well done."

Bill Strickland said...

I was sure that was Huang's bike.

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vanchovancho said...

the fixed gear freestyle thing is about as lame as it gets.

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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the big swallow -
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giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
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in focus girls -
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i spy camel toe -
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jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
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milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -
my first porn scene -
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the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
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tranny surprise -
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french fisting -
french pee -
gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
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in focus girls -
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i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
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little coco -
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mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
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milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
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mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
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my first porn scene -
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sado slaves -
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sapphic erotica -
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street blowjobs -
street ranger -
summer time milf -
sweet auditions -
sweet loads -
taylor bow -
team squirt -
teenie video -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
tinys black adventures -
tranny surprise -
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gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
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in focus girls -
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in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
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milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
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my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
panties and fannies -
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team squirt -
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the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
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tranny surprise -
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i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
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milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -
my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
panties and fannies -
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sado slaves -
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see her squirt -
she fucks guys -
street blowjobs -
street ranger -
summer time milf -
sweet auditions -
sweet loads -
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team squirt -
teenie video -
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the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
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black creamy pies -
black dicks latin chicks -
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blind date bangers -
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extreme asses -
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first time auditions -
fisting lessons -
fling -
flower tucci -
french fisting -
french pee -
gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
im live -

Anonymous said...

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inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
milf lessons -
milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -
my first porn scene -
orgy ental -
ox pass -
panties and fannies -
papi -
pee lover -
penis palooza -
phat booty brazil -
phat booty hoes -
phat white booty -
pimp my black teen -
please bang my wife -
porn multi pass -
public invasion -
pussy foot girls -
pussy pinata -
real arizona amateurs -
reality pass plus -
real orgasms -
red ass teens -
round and brown -
round mound of ass -
sado slaves -
sammy4u -
sapphic erotica -
see her squirt -
she fucks guys -
street blowjobs -
street ranger -
summer time milf -
sweet auditions -
sweet loads -
taylor bow -
team squirt -
teenie video -
teeny bopper club -
the big swallow -
the dirty old man -
thugs and juggs -
tight buttholes -
tinys black adventures -
tranny surprise -
tug jobs -
vip crew -
we live together -
white slave whores -
whore wagon -
xxx proposal -
2 in the stink -
8th street latinas -
40 inch plus -
abbraxa porn -
adult friend finder -
all reality pass -
all sites access -
all star porn girls -
angels of porn video -
asian creamy pies -
ass parade -
athens girls -
bait bus -
ball honeys -
bangbros network -
bang bus -
barefoot maniacs -
big ass adventure -
big cock teen addiction -
big league facials -
big mouthfuls -
big naturals -
big tit patrol -
big tits round asses -
bikini contest porn -
black creamy pies -
black dicks latin chicks -
black gang white bang -
black mother fuckers -
blind date bangers -
boy girl bang -
boys first time -
brandi belle -
brazil bang -
brick house butts -
bubble butt orgy -
bukkake pee -
busty adventures -
butt cam -
cam crush -
cams -
captain stabbin -
casting couch teens -
coeds need cash -
college teens book bang -
cumfiesta -
cum girls -
dangerous dongs -
euro sex parties -
extreme asses -
extreme naturals -
fat ass pass -
first time auditions -
fisting lessons -
fling -
flower tucci -
french fisting -
french pee -
gag fuck -
ghetto hoochies -
giants black meat white treat -
heels and hoes -
horny spanish flies -
hung like a whore -
im live -
in focus girls -
inter mixed -
in the vip -
i spy camel toe -
its just chocolate -
jake bustsnuts -
knob squad -
kung pao pussy -
lesbian teen hunter -
little coco -
max hardcore porn -
mike in brazil -
milf hunter -
milf lessons -
milf next door -
miss pain -
money talks -
monsters of cock -
mr big dicks hot chicks -
mr cameltoe -
mr chews asian beaver -
my first porn scene -
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