Monday, March 31, 2008

From the BSNYC Culture Desk: "Bike Shorts" Wear Thin


A lot of people refer to something called a “bike culture,” though I’m not sure exactly what that is. Even I use it on the heading of this blog, though the only reason I do is that “bike culture” sounds more sophisticated than “bike stuff.” Recently though it occurred to me that maybe there really is a “bike culture.” Moreover, I figured that, since I not only ride a bike but also write a blog about cycling that is read by literally dozens of people each day, I might even be part of it. “How nice,” I thought. “Maybe ‘bike culture’ means there is a community to which I belong—sort of an extended family, even—where as a cyclist I know that I can find support and encouragement.” So although I generally spend the better part of my day dreaming up creative new ways to avoid contact with other people, I nonetheless found this idea appealing.

To that end, I decided to seek out and experience “bike culture” last night at an event called “Bike Shorts.” Bike Shorts is a regular event where people screen bike-related short films, so I figured if I were to find “bike culture” anywhere I’d find it there. It takes place at the Galapagos Art Space in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. If you’re wondering what an “Art Space” is, it’s a bar. Galapagos is famous for its fetid, stagnant reflecting pool, which takes up like 25% of its useable square footage. Galapagos used to also host a lot of McSweeney’s-related events, and there are those that say that Dave Eggers’s unctuous smarm is one of the many fluids of which the reflecting pool is comprised.

I arrived by stretch SUV with a small entourage and found a sizeable contingent of the bike culture already waiting outside for the doors to open, their bicycles clinging to every street sign in the area like mussels to pier pillars. The variety of bikes was stunning. There were fixed-gears with colored rims that matched, and fixed-gears with colored rims that didn’t match. Some of the fixed-gears had narrow bars, and some of them had really narrow bars. Some had stickers on them, and others had a lot of stickers on them. I might even have seen someone coasting, though that might simply have been a trick of the light. Clearly, though, a wide cross-section of the “bike culture” was in attendance.

The first thing I noticed about the “bike culture” itself was that it smokes cigarettes just as much as the rest of the culture. In fact, I’m surprised the tobacco companies haven’t noticed this, since I think they’ve got a lot to gain from targeting their advertising towards this demographic. The second thing I noticed was that members of the “bike culture” walk around with their polo mallets the same way that people in Park Slope walk around with their yoga mats, proving that indeed bike polo is the new Wiffle Ball. I was clearly in the presence of some serious cyclists. I’m not lying when I say I was a bit intimidated.

Soon the doors opened, though the process of ID-checking and money-taking was a slow one. It was almost exactly like boarding a flight, except there were a lot more messenger bags, I didn’t have to take my shoes off, and nobody was pulling elderly Jewish women out of the line to check them for explosives. Another lesson: “bike culture” involves a surprising amount of red tape. Finally, we made it in. By now I knew the night was not going to be an easy one, so I placed a multi-tiered drink order and set to anesthetizing myself.

Eventually my entourage and I made our way into the screening room, which was already teeming with bike culture, and secured ourselves some wall space. We waited quite some time for the films to begin, but there appeared to be some kind of delay. Eventually my anesthesia began to wear off, so my handler and I set out for the bar, tripping over bike polo mallets and getting our feet caught in messenger bag shoulder straps with every step. Upon arriving at the bar the flustered bartender informed us that he’d have to go change the kegs since all the taps were emitting was a shampooey foam. As we waited, the films finally began, so I returned to the theater as my handler graciously attended the beers.

I walked in and found a little place to stand behind a guy with a hairstyle he stole from that guy from The Prodigy. I then turned to the screen and found that the very same guy was being featured in the film. He was standing in that playground where they play bike polo and cursing and ranting and making bike polo-related inside jokes. The hairstyle guy must have been an important person in bike culture because the audience seemed quite taken with him. He also seemed quite taken with himself, and I could tell from his expression that he was quite pleased about how his hairstyle looked on film.

The film ended, my handler arrived with the rest of the beers, and we ran the mallet-and-bag gauntlet back to the rest of my entourage as I did my best not to spill anything on my tuxedo. (The flustered bartender apparently announced to my handler his intention to tender his resignation to the management that very night, and to emphasize this he gave the beers to my handler gratis. This was to be the highpoint of the evening.) Next was a film I can’t remember. Then there was some vintage Charles Kurault CBS piece from the 80s or something about a bike messenger, and then a clip of the same messenger being interviewed by David Letterman. Then there was a weird and awful Maya Deren-esque film that drove the audience to heckling, which was followed by a sort of cute stop-motion film in which a cog, a bit of chain, a chain tool, and a Surly Jethro Tool have a race. Then there was an unfunny narrative film that was like “Jackass” without the stunts or jokes. Then there may or may not have been something else, and then there was a movie about this guy Niki who went for the Hour Record at Kissena Velodrome, which I happened to already know the background on, but which you’d never know from watching the film because the filmmaker couldn’t be bothered to establish where this was taking place, who the various people in the film were, what the actual hour record is, who Niki is, or even what his last name is. Then I announced to our entourage that we were leaving, and we ran the mallet-and-bag gauntlet again. But someone convinced us we should stay, and I felt like I should give him the benefit of the doubt since I want to be part of “bike culture” so badly, so we watched the end of that Conan O’Brien thing where he works as a bike messenger, and then that bike moving video came on. That cracked my resolve, so I once again announced we were leaving, which we did, this time successfully.

In conclusion, I learned that I’d rather watch bad videos on YouTube, since instead of making difficult trips to a poorly-organized bar I can keep the bottle right next to me. Also, I can do it in my underpants. I also learned that when you make bike-related short films you don’t have to make them entertaining or provide any background information since you’ll only be showing them to your friends who will be so excited to see themselves on camera they won’t really care about what they’re watching. And if someone’s not your friend or not in on the joke you shouldn’t care about them or bother trying to engage them, because who cares, right? Penultimately, I learned that David Letterman and Conan O’Brien are both really funny despite a connection to “bike culture” that is tenuous at best. Lastly, I learned that simply having and riding a bike does not necessarily make you a part of “bike culture.”

90 comments:

Anonymous said...

no way, first!

Stuggy said...

2nd!

Mark said...

3rd

Anonymous said...

Obama

daniel said...

third?

daniel said...

Close but no luck.

Anonymous said...

what ever happened to Friday? I demand another post.

crispy said...

damn... loaded the page and there were no comments... oh well.

Anonymous said...

What time is it!?

Swami said...

Sounds about as bad as critical mass.

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jim said...

I learned that I’d rather watch bad videos on YouTube, since instead of making difficult trips to a poorly-organized bar I can keep the bottle right next to me. Also, I can do it in my underpants.

Dude, what the hell. I'm shocked you haven't figured it out.

The secret is to go to bar scene film fests *in your underpants*. Do that, and I assure you, you will have no problems keeping your bottle next to your bad thirsty self - there will be plenty of room, likely a 6" radius circle around you wherever you go. And as for organization, the crowd will part in front of you like Moses Malone parting the Red Sea. Now that's organized, nu?

I recommend tighty whities, or a posing pouch / butt floss combo. Boxers look too much like actual shorts and don't have comparable space-making and organizing capabilities.

Anonymous said...

DANG!'I was hoping for 43rd...
TOO SOON!

Anonymous said...

Do the polo-mallet people come with neckbeards and hemp capri pants like the yoga mat people?

Anonymous said...

oh... i guess Friday is there after all.... i demand another post anyways!

Scott said...

I've learned over the years that human cultures, like bacteria cultures, are best avoided outside of a laboratory situation.

bikesgonewild said...

...was it as boring for you as it was for us ???...

...& did you shower & get shots afterwards, you know, for the 'culture' part ???...

Anonymous said...

Dave Eggers reference. Wonderful. W writer who is indeed both unctuous and smarmy.

leroy said...

Dang, Jim beat me to that piece of advice about the underwear! (And was funnier than I would have been.)

Anyway, I thought the place in Williamsburg with the reflecting pool was a Japanese restaurant.

First, Sparky's goes out of business and now this.

Oh well, there's still Fornino's.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC is the tall guy with glasses on Prolly's cycling team (DART I think), I know this for a fact.

funny post Snobski.

john b said...

"Lastly, I learned that simply having and riding a bike does not necessarily make you a part of “bike culture.”
- All this time I thought I was part of something. Now I find I'm just a tooth on a little used cog. Guess I should go to golf. Plaid pants go with everything, or so i was once told.

Anonymous said...

i miss prolly.

Anonymous said...

I think it was Niki James (?) who tried to beat Eddie Merkx UCI record. Its very interesting reading. Sometimes he comments on BSNYC. His blog is at
http://hourrecord.blogspot.com/2007/04/hour-record.html.

Commiecanuk said...

"Jackass" without the stunts? Reminds me of a film festival in Toronto that was all gay porn films with the sex edited out. Hilarious. Lots of pizza delivery and moustaches.

It's damned near impossible to make a great cycling film in the shadow of "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", oh sure, they will try, and the upcoming re-re-re-edited Armstrong saga with Matthew McManImsogay will again fall flat on it's face without Large Marge and the Pee Wee gang.

Hilton Meyer said...

Agreed at the YouTube/bottle on hand stategy. The more you drink the better the video's get making it a double whammey

Anonymous said...

ugh you fixed gear freestyling bike polo-ing top tube riser bar spinning faux-messenger crusties are the reason i am moving out of NYC.

onward to the suburbs where i can wear lycra in peace and not be disturbed by your fucking lame excuse for "bike culture"

you suck

Kevin said...

BSNYC is on team DART? Oh! the irony is cruching. Snob is it true?

Anonymous said...

If BSNYC is that tall dude on Prolly's team, it only gets better as he is one of the two Bike Shorts organizers! Such post-modern self promotion. Eggers could certainly learn a thing or two from the Snob!

Anonymous said...

god, he is not on prolly's team. prolly has a huge boner for snob tho.

gaahl said...

The fixie Jedi video is no longer available. Pity, I needed another anger-fix. That guy was an utter prat and he deserves all the hate I'm sure he's recieved by now.

Anonymous said...

Prolly has a boner for the Bike Shorts organizer too. Luke, not Ken. It's all connected...

Anonymous said...

i'm sure this will be the worst summer yet in williamsburg. multiply cycling jedi x 1000 + pista-dex = the end my friends

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kevin,

I auditioned for DART but they wouldn't take me because I ate pavement trying to do one of those skids where you put your foot over the bar. Also they didn't like my SRAM Red-equipped Madone. (Even though I'm running it with a Surly Fixxer.)

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

you should convert your SRAM RED madone into a fixie man! so zen!

Anonymous said...

OT: Which bridges can I use to cross from manhatten to the bronx on bike?

Anonymous said...

you cannot cycle in manhattan until you learn how to spell it.

Cameron said...

This post reminds me of when I first felt(realized) I was too old(or just too out of touch) to attend indie rock shows. It was a sad day, but I've recovered.

mr.complaint said...

You had my attention with the picture of Statler and Waldorf. They were both played by Andy Rooney and he parlayed it onto 60 Minutes.

A multi-tiered drink order could also sanitize you from that scene.

As for me, I'll cross the block just so I don't have to say Hello.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:34pm,

This should help:

http://www.transalt.org/resources/maps

--BSNYC

Niki said...

Niki's Hour is now online:
http://www.vimeo.com/844581
or
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugePl4srZcc

Anonymous said...

Needs pictures.

Anonymous said...

fuckin' hilarious snob, you redeemed yourself for the friday post.

Commiecanuk said...

This post reminds me of when I first felt(realized) I was too old(or just too out of touch) to attend indie rock shows. It was a sad day, but I've recovered.

Sigh... I remember that day, sipping a warm beer it hit me in a white blinding flash.."hey...you guys aren't cool, you just smell funny and don't have real jobs".

Ronsonic said...

I'm so old I can only go to indie rock shows if I'm playing. Then it's really cool, everybody assumes I must have been somebody.

eric aldinger said...

David Letterman is not funny.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Eric,

He was in the 80s which was when the video was from.

--BSNYC

Nick said...

Finally, lastly, penultimately and in conclusion: That was funny.

Nick

PS: Letterman is a self-absorbed un-funny man. Conan is awesome. That is all.

Johnny Sprocket said...

"Lastly, I learned that simply having and riding a bike does not necessarily make you a part of 'bike culture'.”

YES! Sad though.

Cameron said...

The title of this post reminds me... I need to head over to everyone's favorite "secret website" and check out the latest closeouts. Tomorrow is the first day of after work group rides, and I'd like to spare everyone any unsightly silhouettes courtesy of my worn thin bike shorts.

Anonymous said...

Most in need of a Fit-Kit visit (or) The world's least effective riding posture:

Messenger Style

No really, it's "Messenger Style", look at the title of the image.

bikesgonewild said...

...rumblings of a big shake-up in the the transportation industry coming soon...keep a special look out...

casual entropy said...

ah, to suffer such an evening shows true devotion to your craft of painstakingly reporting the follies of bicycle riders everywhere!

bike shorts is a series of inside jokes, really...

Andy Pandy said...

Both David Attenborough and I were of the opinion that the Galapagos was an archipelago covered in sea bird and seal dung off the coast of Ecuador , habituated by species that did not exist anywhere else on this planet. Seems that we are all correct. Given its approximate dimensions and terrain it sounds like an excellent colony for this BikeCulture outpost to ride themselves into extinction

Anonymous said...

Your snobbishness failed you this time. You missed the best video of the night that won the best film contest. 'Twas locally produced and was the crowd favorite by far.

AMRcyclist said...

BSNYC,
For a great lesson on "Australian Bicycle Culture", do yourself a favour and get hold of: http://www.detourdefrancemovie.com/
Nothinhg to lose!
AMR

Prolly said...

guys guys... come on now. Luke is not Bikesnob.

BSNYC, your leg over the bar skid was fine, it was your mustache that you needed to work on.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC=Luke from Team Dart, OMG I need some Hammer Gel pronto!

Frank the Tank said...

Cameron- I 2nd your comment. Gotta admit, though. It was sure fun back in college with oodles of daddy's money to spend and the same amount of time to kill. Those were the days.

Prolly said...

I only saw ONE person leave early that night...

bikesgonewild said...

...my, my, my, has friday's satellite of love got a high resolution lens or is that a death ray...only time will tell...

...constantly pedaling & writing his way through time & space, has our hero shown the cracks in his anonymity that will peel back to expose the face so many seek...

...personally, i hope the fuck not...i like 'im just the way he is...snarky, irreverent, attitude-y & antagonistic-ly, anonymously awesome...

Anonymous said...

Bikesgonewild: SOL? Is BSNYC the Servo to your Crow?

Tom C said...

The Messenger in the Charles Kurault and Letterman videos was Dave Leopold. Him and His Brother own and run Cavalry couriers, here in NYC. He's a Good Guy and He Was the Fastest on the road back then. The Conan piece was also shot at Cavalry couriers.

Jonathan said...

BSNYC I felt the same way a while back within the art scene. Yes, I have the degree and spend 20 hours a week painting while working as a full time graphic designer, but the so called "art culture types" are so boring and usually don't care for me. Funny, the majority of them can't even draw these days and use lots of big words to compensate for it. I've always have dreamed of finding for myself within an art culture like Paris France before WWII with Picasso and gang. Something tells me it wasn't half as romantic as they make it out to be.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 12:48am...

...i was so busy working on my 'mst3k' computer, that i almost missed yer question...

...while famous thespians tom servo & crow t. robot made guest working appearances throughout the world of visual comedy beyond the halls of mst3000, the snob keeps himself well contained so i've never had the privilege or opportunity of meeting him...

...bikesnob stands alone, in that this is his baby, conceived & created, i believe by one man in nyc...

...me ???...i'm just a believer...

Doug D said...

It's unusual that I would visit your site, and less likely I'd read a post. But I did. The two things I've gathered are that your personal identity is generally unknown and you have little regard for bike polo. I think you gave away a little too much or maybe I was in the right place at the right time.

Anonymous said...

to nick: "penultimate" means second to last you dumb shit

iron fish said...

Hey Leroy, if you want to start being funny, you have to remember, it's underpants, not underwear.

Anonymous said...

hey prolly, you and yer ilk annoy the piss outta me. stop ruining bikes.

Roadent said...

Very likable, indeed...
I ride my bike now, OK?

Anonymous said...

aluquel,

go hug yourself where the sun don't shine. we anonymous folks don't like you already just for posting your lame ass blog here. now be off with you!

VanVandal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I want to care, but I don't.

"Culture" is defined only in retrospection. The apocalypse came and went and no one even noticed, not even the Snob.

Saddest.

leroy said...

Iron Fish --

Thanks for the tip.

My ichthyology reveals no known species of fish -- ferrous or otherwise -- that wear undergarments.

Nonetheless, I defer to your expertise in the underpants/underwear schism among humorists.

But what took you so long to comment? Typing with fins?

flynn said...

Snob is not Dart guy. Snob is Cipollini. Cipollini is Snob. Finkle is Einhorn.

techb3 said...

what is the what?

pillar of salt said...

there are those that say that Dave Eggers’s unctuous smarm is one of the many fluids of which the reflecting pool is comprised.

I hear unctuous smarm makes a great chain lube, in a pinch.

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! I went back to the sixties: all the hippies looked the same; I went back to the fifties: all the beats looked the same.

People desperately trying to be different in EXACTLY the same way goes back to upright, bipedal humanoids being social animals.

But, being writing about it in a funny way goes back to ... who knows ... Edward Abbey. Read the Monkey Wrench Gang.

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Ayleen said...

Bike Culture is the culture surrounding bike events and people. It's the fun stuff, the hard stuff, the serious stuff. The striving, the sharing of resources. The celebrations, the arguments. What's Chinese culture? What's American Culture?

The product or growth resulting from cultivation is culture. When we identify as cyclists and embrace what we've got going on, we're recognizing our bike culture.

I'm from Portland, Oregon. And MAN do we have Bike Culture here.

Oh, and it sounds like Bike Shorts might want to come see Filmed by Bike to see how we handle 2,000 people over the course of 8 screenings and 3 days and make it all well organized.

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