Friday, March 28, 2008

Into The Void: Sharing Cycling With The Universe



Sometime last summer I re-buried my time capsule, and now that Spring is here and the ground is beginning to thaw, I'm starting to get antsy again. Unfortunately, though, I just can't dig it up and deny the next generation the opportunity to see how stupid we are. So in an attempt to satisfy my restlessness I've decided to fire a satellite into space. The satellite, which I'm calling the BSNYC Intergalactic Space Nugget, will carry on it my equivalent of the Voyager Golden Record. Except instead of a phonograph record, I'm using an assortment of YouTube videos. And these videos aren't so much "a token of our sounds, our science, our images, our music, our thoughts and our feelings" as they are a cosmic cry for help. Maybe this way extraterrestrial life will get to experience our ridiculousness along with our descendants. Perhaps they'll even come to Earth's rescue. Here are just some of the videos I've chosen to represent various cycling subcultures:



Fixed-Gears



I love self-appointed experts. If you've ever spilled your bearings while overhauling a hub over a tile floor you can begin to imagine what it's like trying to keep track of all the various bits of misinformation contained in this video. My personal favorite quote: "You feel almost like a Jedi knight...you feel like a god." Who better to represent the fixed-gear species?

29ers



Gary Fisher is 29ers, so he gets automatic selection. Plus, his wardrobe should make the aliens feel at ease. Gary makes some good points here, though he does lose the trail a little bit towards the end. To me, though, the highlight is one of the viewer comments: "Some people say that Gary has vintage porn hidden in his hat."

Road Bikes



Sweet Caddy. Unusual lever positioning. I suspect this may be the Rock Racing team mechanic.

Recumbents



This video proves that recumbents are ideal for mountain biking--provided of course that the terrain is relatively flat, and that the most technical trail feature you encounter is a mud puddle.

???



???

102 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't care that I'm first because I'm not a loser

cycles55447 said...

Did I make it?

Anonymous said...

podium bitches1!!

Anonymous said...

I feel so special to have made top 10. I have truly achieved greatness today.

Anonymous said...

hincapie

Jewbeard said...

What's with the influx of videos? Eh, I like it.

k miller said...

the buildup in that asian announcers voice makes me think she left the mic on and went in to the closet with someone for a quickie

Anonymous said...

"fixed gear bikes don't have brakes"

that dude is so gay.

I bet that was his Liberal arts college in the background. probably somewhere in the Northwest. Fag.

Anonymous said...

it's really cool when you play all of the videos at the same time. and all the sound is overlapping, it gives a more apocalyptic feeling that way.

"I love the smell of napalm in the morning....smells like victory"

green army man said...

don't know if you've seen this or not. very, very funny.

fix skate boards...
http://youtube.com/results?search_query=fixed%20skateboard&search=Search&sa=X&oi=spell&resnum=0&spell=1

Strayhorn said...

I think you should include a few catalogs in your time capsule, especially those from Assos, Rapha and Campagnolo. Researchers from the future will be amazed at what folks were willing to spend on things like jerseys & caps and will conclude that talk of economic (and moral) collapse in the West was just so much posturing.

green army man said...

oops. fail.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=b2885aR6o6s

JimmyNick said...

"You feel like a god riding a track bike through traffic."

Man, I'm converting to atheism.

Commiecanuk said...

????

That's the new Honda robot cyclist than can kill people in cars if they hit him, it's called, "Assholmo"

The lightest bike Gary fisher makes is 23lbs.

Commiecanuk said...

BTW Snob,

I know what you're doing, don't think we're not on to you. You've sold out finally to the Apple Store in Soho and given some people the first real reason to buy an iPhone.

JimmyNick said...

When I played all the videos at once, it was cosmic: a fixed-gear recumbent 29er hardtail MTB ridden by robots, with a Navy shore-leave soundtrack.

cwcushman said...

Doesn't the robot know that if he shifted into a lower gear and spun up the hill he would have been able to do it much faster? Didn't Lance teach us anything?

Anonymous said...

That wank on the recumbent should go ride at Ray's. That would be proper YouTube joy.

Anonymous said...

This is ridiculous, Snob.

You know that I have video blocked at work, and yet you continue to post videos.

If this keeps up, where will I get my daily dose of hilarity?

Will I be forced to spend my time reading overheardinnewyork.com or some such other bulk rate humor?

Anonymous said...

what are you pal, if not a self-appointed expert?

that's right, i forgot, you're the first guy to ride a bike in nyc.

...and scoff on a computer with an internet connection.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:00pm,

I'm not an expert, I'm a smartass. It's different.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

I had no idea...
That Gary Fisher was that boring.

Sprocketboy said...

"...his wardrobe should make the Aliens feel at ease." Classic.

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

Liberal Arts boy was not a merely a self-proclaimed expert, but also yet another one of a long line of over-priviledged, self-indulgent, overparented, bourgeois to the point of agony, bel- wait a minute, I'm being redundant, it was already mentionned that he was a Liberal Arts major.

Kevin said...

someone needs to tell the robot his saddle is too low.

Marrock said...

An expert is someone that knows more & more about less & less till they know everything about absolutely nothing.

Being a smartass is easier, less time consuming, and a lot more fun... just leave it to the professionals.

kurtz433 said...

I can only imagine the bike parts you'd be pulling outta your bum after bottoming out a recumbent on a mtb trail log at 20mph.


And, Anonymous 11:17 - Most psychologists feel that homophobia is repressed homosexuality.

Scott said...

12:07

Yeah, yeah, Gary Fisher really is that boring all the time. The worst thing you can do before going on a MTB ride is watch Gary Fisher, because then you'll just feel sleepy and bored the whole day.

Anonymous said...

I know it is lame to just repeat other people's comments, but Anon 11:19 AM is right. Play all of the videos simultaneously. It is even funnier.

ka_jun said...

Holy shit, thanks for some serious Friday laughs. I kept wanting to watch the guys on that recumbent singletrack video huck off some drops...hilarious.

Daniel! said...

And, Anonymous 11:17 - Most psychologists feel that homophobia is repressed homosexuality.

Heavy. Of course, until '73 or so, they considered homosexuality a mental disorder that needed treatment, so...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:53pm,

Wow. It's like a psilocybin freakout. It sounds exactly like the voices in my head that make me write this blog.

--BSNYC

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc-isn looks like a killer death satellite...i'll be keeping on eye on the sky while i'm out riding this weekend...

Anonymous said...

"You put that together yourself hey dude?!"

- Mom in Cadillac Bike vid

Anonymous said...

Do you guys think that the fixed gear rider is really a world champion? Because he was wearing the rainbow stripes, so I thought...

Anonymous said...

Fire up all those vids at the second Lions Roar at start of Wizard of Oz now. but make sure you got your Ben n Jerrys within arms reach. Charles Barkley.

Bad Judgement said...

Wow - kudos for refusing to describe those recumbent riders as "wild and crazy Czechoslovakian guys." Uh, too bad I had to ruin your record. But you know how it is - if we viewers had discretion, we wouldn't be watching.

agentdetroit said...

commiecanuck

thanks for linking that bit of information about snob's identity. i'd forgotten how much he references apple. so the tally is : sinister gay jewish apple marketing executive

mr. poopers said...

my biking scabs taste like pepperoni!!

bikesgonewild said...

...you guys are getting close...

...if you play all those videos at the same time & do it backwards, it reveals major clues as to the bikesnobs identity...but you gotta get them sync'ed just right...

...have a good weekend...

KanyonKris said...

So much fodder.

I love the soundtrack to the road bike video - where can I get it?!?!
(For the sarcastically impaired or non-Windows users, that song comes with every Windows XP.)

I REALLY wanted to see one of the recumbent mountain bikers crash. Not for the carnage, but for science. Would they endo or flop? Would the rider be ejected or stay attached? Does a groin plant into the crank hurt worse than into the top tube? Inquiring minds wnat to know!

Strayhorn said...

I tried running all the vids at once but all I heard was some guy saying "cranberry sauce."

gator joe said...

Hey Snobarino,

The moment I saw the space probe I laughed out loud. Perfect, right down to the BSNYC emblem on the solar panel. You can take over from NASA, now that the Shuttle Program is coming to an end.

But let me tell ya, rather than it being a "cosmic cry for help" across the cosmos, it will be like a beacon around a leper colony, warning unwary travelers to stay far, far away.

mr.complaint said...

A. I could go on all day about the first video.... but I would like have a light saber to carry along on my rides.

B. Gary Fisher:

http://tinyurl.com/2lr5nh

C. The recumbent guys are their own best salesmen.

D. Thomas' driveway would make a great cul-de-sac crit location.

EEEEEE. Wow! More Star Wars and bicycles!

zak said...

hey, you guys, check me out and the way that I look while you're looking at me.

I ride fixed.

you're seeing me looking like this.

I look so good looking like this

this is my new look

a bit portland, yet a bit brooklyn

I call it "porklyn"

woogie said...

bikesnobnyc,

it seems many of these fellas have a healthy man crush on you...they are just dying to figure out who you are!!

Maybe they are all from Queens!!!

woogie woogie

leroy said...

Wait a second.

You sent those videos in to space?

Oh dear. I'm afraid there is now no way that the cosmic gravy train of enlightenment will stop here.

Nope, no intelligent life down there; pass 'em by.

As Bender from Futurama would put it: "We're boned."

But almost worth it to see a robot do a track stand -- especially after an expert explained you don't need a hill to do one.

Golly, the things I learn on your site!

Anonymous said...

That fixed gear video made me furious. I couldn't stop watching it, but I should have. "They're death machines," ORLY?

Anonymous said...

Whenever I see someone on a recumbent I can't help but think, "Oh good for him/her, overcoming that disability and all..."

Anonymous said...

I loved the robot because he climbs at about the same speed as my fat ass.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bikesgonewild,
I don't know. I played the videos backwards, but all I heard was "Paul is dead, Paul is dead..."

Rusty said...

Wow.
First video I felt like beating dude 'till he shat out bones. Gary Fisher was depressing. He's a walking talking cartoon character. Thomas and his mommy were pretty harmless. I hate to say it, but I was thoroughly entertained by czech recumbent guys, and was also curious as to what an off-road recumbent crash looks like. As for the robot, I really don't know how to feel about it.
Nice post.

Gabriel said...

Snob,

If it weren't for your repeated references to psychedelics I'd fear that you were nothing more than some third string jock who berates the freshmen in a limp attempt to earn the respect of his team mates. And even if that is the case, at least your into mushrooms.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Gabriel,

Are you saying I'm like William Zabka on acid?

--BSNYC

woogie said...

Give 'em a body bag, Johnny!

Anonymous said...

Dude, seriously... that's what you'd put into the space time capsule to demonstrate roadies? Really? No, really... seriously? That's the best you could find? After yesterday's great road/race video that's what you'd send to the aliens? Even the robot video was a better view than the roadie video. A guy riding in REALLY short cicles on a poorly assembled bike. I'm sad, I'm let down... I'm going to eBay my Cannondale now to pick up a $1500 fixed-gear Serotta now. Gah!

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

What I'm saying is that the snob IS William Zabka! Of the bike world, at the very least. Wikipedia his career.

Starts off his movie career playing bullies, eventually veers off to make arty Czech movies. Snob Zabka obviously wrote-directed-produced that wild and wacky Czech Recumbent Mountain Biking movie.

Gabriel said...

Sweep the leg, Snob. Sweep the leg.

Anonymous said...

The best part of the fix push video is that they're all pushing with the mongo foot.

Jarrod said...

those recumbents really scared the shit out of me. i was just waiting for a big root or a boulder to jump out and kill one of those idiots. it was like watching a suspense/horror film. i can safely say that i have never wanted to ride a recumbent more. backfire, bikesnob!

Anonymous said...

Kanyonkris,

Perhaps this will satify your inquiring mind.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KRsOrcpPASo

ainsley said...

i saw a fixie with jimmied training wheels the other day. it was a joke right? please tell me it was.

Anonymous said...

doesn't the fact that it's a satellite mean that it will eventually re-enter the atmosphere, and we'll have to explain all this to the poor fellow whose house it comes crashing down on?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:35pm,

Yikes, I think you're right. I admit I'm a little out of my depth here. I might need the help of a, uh, space guy.

--BSNYC

OpenYourEyes said...

I am happy to say that after 63 comments, I am first on the podioum with: douchebag.

And hell, you could apply it to anyone of those bloke's in the videos.
- The fixed gear rider looked like every other wanker that hasn't ridden over 15km on a bike and calls themselves a fixie rider.
- The stoner guy gets the most props from me because at least he figured out how to meld his passions into his life's work, namely drug abuse and talking about rides. The nutsack probably hasn't ridden a bike for years but goes on and on about "the great ride the other day", which obviously translates into the ride he had via his seven-chamber floor bong.
-The road rider should be more aptly named "the driveway rider". They are a strange breed that tries to get in their 70km in per day by riding on everyone's driveways in the neighborhood.
-The recumbents. Ahh, the recumbents. All I could think of is there is a guy riding around on his adjustable sleep number bed bike. And I kept waiting for Fred to get out of the saddle, er, strike that, chair and climb a hill but all that shite was rolling down hills and pedaling through meadows. I kept waiting for a more inspirational soundtrack to start.

Certainly, no intelligent life will look at those videos and think we are:
a). an intelligent people or
2). worth looking into mating with to continue their dying race
c). not a bunch of earth bound douchebags waiting to be attacked so our lovely planet can be colonized.

Space, the final frontier...

Anonymous said...

Gary Fisher has to be one of the Beach Boys. I mean people just don't look like that in the Northeast. Maybe he was born in "Porklyn" and then migrated.

Anonymous said...

God Snob, I might have to stop checking your blog all together. I can't handle the videos. And yesterday, I found out one of the best shops in town is being overrun with fixie kids. (Milwaukee Oregon) I hope I don't end it all before all this blows over.

bikeslob 80220 said...

What? No Opinionated Cyclist video is being sent into space?

Anonymous said...

no video from a neoprene clad triathlete claiming how their bike "slices" through the wind? i needed a good laugh today....

Anonymous said...

"Wow. It's like a psilocybin freakout. It sounds exactly like the voices in my head that make me write this blog.

--BSNYC"

Holy crap. You too? Except mine is my mother's voice telling me I'm bad.

Posted anonymously, just in case.

Papa Bradstein said...

So, the robot experiment will be complete when they program it to say, "I ... feel ... like ... a ... Jedi ... knight."

Anonymous said...

kurtz433

"Most psychologists feel that homophobia is repressed homosexuality."

Yes, because most psychologists are also sperm gurglers

Anonymous said...

recumbent- the answer to the question that was never asked

Anonymous said...

lanterne rouge

broomie said...

I was gritting my teeth the whole time I watched Thomas, waiting for something bad to happen.

The Recumbies? Heck the roads around here are rougher than than that "trail"!

Oh yeah, Anon 11:17 is just upset because he couldn't get past 2nd base with Fixed Gear expert

RSutton198 said...

Great finds. If you ever want to see (or post for that matter) a great crash video that is even funnier if you loop it...check out my page...

Interesting blog! Keep it up..

Anonymous said...

Hey Gary, you got to coordinate...
http://www.amazon.com/John-Witherspoon-You-Got-Coordinate/dp/B00114UUC2/ref=sr_1_1/104-0140890-2928734?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1206806363&sr=1-1

Anonymous said...

When the fixed gear expert is referring to "doing skids" is he talking about what I think he's talking about? Ugh...

Anonymous said...

"Space probe" ...tee hee


what i don't get is why the robot doesn't fall over when he stops at the top towards the end of the video.

Has AI really become so terrifyingly real and dangerous that the robot has learned how to trackstand???

noooooooo......

Anonymous said...

If you pause the so called road bike video you can see it's not weird lever placement but down-turned bars.

Though either way you're stuck forever riding in the drops... as you endlessly circle the driveway.
Both of which suggest he's a lifelong track racer who's trying reeeeally hard to branch out. Which makes it even funnier as the representative road video.

Andy Pandy said...

Thank God ( or that trenoid fixie boy) that "In space you cannot hear a person snoring zzzzzzzz" or was that screaming.

Anonymous said...

Bike Sob, you forgot the scraper bikes:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hQGLNPJ9VCE

bikesgonewild said...

...i go out a' town for a few days & w/ all the purported clues to bsnyc's identity AND a satellite view, nobody seems any closer...

...& btw, i know stoner dude & seven stage bong or not, that sucker still knows how to hammer on a bike...

...just sayin'...

juancho said...

True, he may be wigged out, but he can still fly.

bikeslob 80220 said...

It's Cesar Chavez Day and there's no update. I'll go with the "BSNYC is a Teacher" theory. Or maybe a postal worker....

TGB said...

Isn't Chavez Day a state holiday, or do they have in it NY too?

Ron said...

Murata is a little low on seat post height.

Anonymous said...

I am not reading 87 something comments to see if someone else translated this.
But basically she is like
e
veryone get ready, here it goes.... wow it's amazing. goodluck.. keep going. slowly slowly take your time take you time. just a little bit more, just a bit more....

(its also a boy... I couldn't make out its name but she uses "-kun" which is like -san , daniel-san, but only for boys. it has a friendly feel to it.)

zak said...

shut your fucking face

Anonymous said...

"And you put that together yourself"? hahahahaha!

Anonymous said...

The fixed gear video has been removed :-( I've missed his wisdom. My life will not be complete now...

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Maurice said...

Is this robot video some sort of precursor to a robot-only trackstand competition? surely this is the future of trackstanding; as the competitors would presumably never fall over, we could leave them (and their nervous japanese supervisors) to it and go and do something useful, like designing a robot that can pull 'epic' skids through busy intersections in SF, film them, and produce Macaframa 2, Rise(r bar) of the Machines.

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