Thursday, January 31, 2008

Apocalyptic Raids: The Fixed-Gear Hellhammer Loometh

In the last few days I've received a number of alarming emails. And while each one was disturbing in its own way, when considered in their totality the gestalt was downright chilling. In fact, I have to confess that earlier this morning I was dangerously close to announcing that The End was finally upon us. Fortunately, though, I've determined it's not. But I am upping the alert level from 85 to 90 gear-inches, so you can continue to seek refuge in your cognitive dissonance, at least for now.

I know that some of you are tired of living in fear and you'd rather read about something else. Fortunately, the internet is a vast litterbox of soiled sand in which you can bury your head, full of product reviews, ride reports, training tips, and perverse bicycle pornography. But I'd rather be hated for speaking the truth than live with the guilt I'd feel if I simply contributed to the lies. Others of you think you're safe. Like the mountain bikers. But don't delude yourselves, because you will not be spared. You sit around, arguing about frivolous things like wheel size. But no size can save you! Your diminutive 26-inch wheels will get hopelessly stuck in the ruts of the post-apocalyptic wasteland, and your bloated 29-inch wheels will accelerate too slowly to allow you to escape the flames. Even the 650B-ers are doomed, as they shall be punished for their waffly, bet-hedging ways, and the air will be ripe with the stench of burning leg hair, CamelBak, and tire slime.

I realize this all may sound a bit overzealous, but you'd be agitated too if one of the first things you heard this morning was this. I'd heard this before, but a reader was unkind enough to email it to me again. It appears to be a fixed-gear appropriation of the Chamillionaire song "Ridin' Dirty." (I'm not sure what a Chamillionaire is, but I'm guessing it's someone who's much richer than a regular millionaire.)

Bad? Yes. Apocalyptically bad? Also yes. Set your house on fire, grab a firearm, and run naked into the street bad? Not by itself. But then there's this, which has been making the rounds lately.

Here, the song and the tedious footage combine to form a world-class tour de dorkitude. If the Nada Surf video and the Robin Thicke video were first cousins this would be their mentally-challenged offspring. Watching someone riding around in overcast weather is marginally less interesting than watching someone tape a pair of handlebars, and if I wanted to watch someone delivering packages slowly I'd just follow a postal worker around. Worst of all, if you can bear to wait for the parts where he actually gets off the bike and goes into his bag, it's clear that the video has been speeded up. It looks like old Babe Ruth footage. So he hasn't just been riding slowly; he's actually been riding very slowly.

And if you're looking for the missing ingredient to crystallize this miserable melange of rap and riding, here it is, via BSNYC gadfly, fixed-gear freestylist, and street culture enthusiast Prolly:

By now I was ready to follow my three-step Fixed-Gear Apocalypse Survival Plan, which is as follows:

1) Dismantle any and all fixed-gear bicycles right down to the spoke nipples and hub bearing and bury all components as far apart from each-other as possible. (This decreases the likelihood that your fixed-gear bicycle will be resurrected after the Apocalypse and seek revenge.)

2) Assemble as many cogs as possible and use them as ninja throwing stars. (This may be the only way to defend yourself against the roving bandana-wearing, snug-trousered zombie hordes.)

3) Paint yourself white to deflect the Apocalyptic blast. (Like Neil in "The Young Ones.")

But first, I decided to check the NYC PistaDex. And to my horror, it was at 370, thanks mostly to this one:

2003 Bianchi Pista fixed gear - 56cm frame - $300 [original URL:]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-26, 9:07AM EST

Selling my 2003 Bianchi Pista fixie. I've used this bike for both training and commuting and loved riding it. I'm working on a new fixed-gear project so this one has to go.

All the components are stock except for the tires. I've put about 3000mi on the bike and have taken very good care of it. It also has Shimano 600 brake levers and Shimano 105 front calipers. I will sell with or without pedals (I have both a clip and clipless set I'd include if you want). Gearing is 48T front (on a Truvativ crank) and 16T fixed/17T freewheel on the rear flip-flop hub.

Let me know if you have any questions. I'm only looking for a good home for this bike.

The only thing that allowed me to keep my cool here was the fact that this bike is in Fairfield, Connecticut and is clearly owned by someone who is not using it for fixed-gear freestyling purposes. Surely some trendy young urban citydweller will Mapquest Fairfield, convince a friend to drive him up there in a hand-me-down Volvo with Vermont plates, and bring it back to Brooklyn. He'll then try to sell it shortly thereafter for something with more street cred, and the PistaDex will correct itself.

No sooner had I recovered from the shock of seeing the NYC PistaDex, though, than I read an email from a reader warning me that the Austin PistaDex had plummeted as well. Things haven't been going too well in Austin recently, and when I investigated I found that the PistaDex was languishing at 362.5.

My hands shaking, I collected what was left of my wits and checked in with the other major markets:

Los Angeles: 450

Whew! I was particularly encouraged by this one:

2007 Bianchi Pista 53cm - $400 [original URL:]
Reply to:
Date: 2008-01-25, 2:18AM PST

I have a 2007 Chrome Bianchi Pista with a couple nice upgrades for sale. This bike is in great condition with low mileage. Can work with trades, but really i'm only looking to upgrade to an aluminum framed bike such as a Fuji Track Pro, Bianchi Pista Concept, or Felt TK2. Thanks for looking!

EDIT 1/25: This bike no longer comes with a wheelset, sorry! Reduced the price

Here are the specs:

-Headset: Cane Creek VP1
-Handlebar: Bontrager Select Drops (wrapped in celeste bartape)
-Stem: Bontrager Select 110mm Stem
-Crankset: Truvativ Touro 48T
-Chain: KMC
-Pedals: Wellgo Track Pedals w/ toe clips
-Saddle: Fizik Arione Wing Flex Limited Celeste ($100 for saddle alone!), Selle Marcos Pirelli Saddle looks and feels like a Turbo saddle,

Keywords: track, fixed, fixie, bianchi, pista, singlespeed,

$400 for a used Pista with no wheels is indeed a good sign. Surely this must have something to do with the newsworthy fact that the infamous Wolfpack just did a (cough) century. (That's a lot of cigarette breaks!)

San Francisco: 534

Here's a representative ad:

Bianchi Pista 2006-size 49 - $600 (san jose downtown) [original URL:]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-27, 1:46PM PST

Bianchi pista in color gang green, the size is a 49 , im 5'2 so if your a small person too thant its a perfect fit the bike is in great condition except for 2 minor scraches but other than that great. I really hate to see this bike go but i dont have time to ride anymore and i need the money. so i will be accepting e-mails please include your name and phone number so that i can get back to you at my earliest convinience. Thank you.

Used Pista. $600. Bay Area spared.

Pacific Northwest: 540

There was one Pista for sale in Seattle for $500, and nothing available in Portland. In a tight Pista market where none are for sale just substitute the MSRP. Averaging Seattle and Portland then gives us the Pacific Northwest PistaDex. (Yes, I've heard there are other cities in the Pacific Northwest besides those, but I refuse to acknowledge any of them until I see actual proof that they exist.)

Chicago: Indeterminately Juicy

What does that mean? Well, take a look at the only Pista currently for sale in Chicago:

Tricked Out Track Bike Fixie do it do it [original URL:]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-01-24, 3:35PM CST

Size 57 bianchi pista. Custom paint is pearl blood red. Wheels are velocity. Riser is only modification. Everything is pretty much stock. Very small scratch on chainstay. Can't even really be seen. Option of 2 saddles. Also have soma double strap pedals for extra cash. Selling because I have a lot of bikes, and this one serves no purpose to me. Shipping is determined by bike shop so let me know where you live and I will ball park it. Less than 100 miles on bike total.


So, overall, after looking at a cross-section of the United States, I'm not sounding the alarm yet. In fact, I think we've been spared by some kind of divine intervention. Why? Because the auction for the Tallest Bike in Los Angeles was cancelled:

After a few readers emailed me about this I was watching the auction carefully, as I knew the eventual winner would probably be a demon, horseman, or at least a harbinger of some kind. But someone--or some thing--has stopped it. And we probably owe that entity our lives.


hugs said...


Anonymous said...

Podium? Meh.

Anonymous said...

In today's Bargain News:

ladies, made by Abba, pink, exc, $125.

Anonymous said...

re #1 of your three-step Fixed-Gear Apocalypse Survival Plan: you're jewish.

erik k said...

its funny how much the head wheels look like the mercedes benz logo, they should do a sweet colabo, rollin on dubs!

Anonymous said...

I totaly see three above me!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh CraP!

grey_area said...

Damn, I was kind of hoping for an Apocalypse or cataclysm of some sort to spice up the work day.

Andrew said...

good morning everyone

Anonymous said...

Oh, gross. That song is SO awful. And I LIKE Fixed Gear bikes. That's just annoying.

Judi said...

That stupid ass song! And those stupid ass shirts! Thanks for the laugh Bike Snob!

Anonymous said...

dude, totally sick, keeping showing the sweet bikes.

Off to a session.

Anonymous said...

snobby,i live in L.A.,please send us more love/hate.wolfpack cigarette breaks,funny.those guys have a major stick up there ass.i'm supprised you havent got a
court order from them telling you to stop being mean.wowlfpack[tm].

Anonymous said...

I don't know how to tinyurl, so sorry in advance:

High School Fixed Gear...THIS is a sign of the Apocalypse. High School is NOT cool.

Jim said...

Well, thank God it's only the Fixed Gear Hellhammer looming. For a moment, I was afraid that it might be the Single Speed Sprocket of Smite, or possibly the Eleven Cog Roadcassette of Doom. 'Cuz if it was one of those things, we woulda been scrued.

Anonymous said...

almost king of the hill

erik k said...

just go to tiny url

Anonymous said...

Weird Al got tire levers on the seventh seal first.

"I want to roll with the Gangstas, but it appears I'm too white and nerdy."

-- Weird Al Yankovic

Anonymous said...

Don't look for the Seattle Pistadex to drop any time soon. We tend to be more resistant to financial downturns, plus our pista riders are a bit more oblivious thanks to the hills and weather. They're usually too wet and tired to notice the outside world.

K Sizemore said...

thank you Snob! now i can enjoy my day.

Prolly said...

I'm getting those shirts so if you see me rollin....

bwahh hahah

Great post.

Unknown said...

How did rap and ebonics become fixed gear staples? These people should all be shot by the grammar police. God help us. Oh- go see "how she move"- if the title is any indication, it should be awesome!

Bobby said...

I love that one of the keywords for searching the tall bike was "in yer mouff"

Anonymous said...

this has nothing to do w/fixed gears but i don't care. this is just painful

Anonymous said...

You're right, Snob, things are bad-really bad.
Someone I know says they know your true identity. I want to declare publicly that I don't wanna know. If you get made, then it's really truly over.

Anonymous said...

A "Young Ones" reference? You truly are the master of the obscure references! Great post.

Prolly said...

That and calling me a gadfly. Brought me back to my first philosophy class... ahhh deductive logic.

Anonymous said...

I have made a careful and reasoned examination of the multitude of clues to Bikesnob NYC's true identity scattered through months worth of postings, and I have discovered that he is actually the unacknowledged love child of Britney Spears and Heath Ledger. I asked TMZ for help in locating a copy of the birth certificate, but they said: "Cycling? Piss off."

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Anon. 1:39

...from the article:

"Fixies are also popular because of the many tricks that can be performed on them."

"Although fixies are gaining popularity, people may still feel uncomfortable riding them because of the unchangeable gearshift."

What did I take from this masterpiece of journalism? Fixie popularity is directly proportional to the many tricks and being uncomfortable riding.
I also think that "unchangeable gearshift" might be my favorite oxymoron to date.

Anonymous said...

When the Bikapocalpse occurs, the knobbies will be the last ones rolling.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I saw the videos. I'll admit I messengered a summer in university. Those a-holes had bullshit attitude that would make a roadie blush. Whatever, we deliver shit, congrats.

But, I'll never understand why people find messengers so damned interesting. It's like Hollywood's obsession with scummy people in movies, as this is what suburbia finds interesting from the perspective of their Khaki Dockers and blurry, expensive, big flat screen TV world.

Look backwards from any fixie YewTube video, I suspect you'll see a text-messaging wannabe gangsta in a ball cap from Jersey rollin' on a 1989 Honda Accord pimped at Pep Boyz (simulated puhfomanze!).

What NYC needs to avoid the apocalypse is a new, hip Pedestrianz culture, with assembled and modified walking shoes from Craiglist ads and $250 Nomex racing gloves (from Italy, of course) to prevent coffee burns.

Pedz cultcha!

brianfmorrissey said...

Hate is Great.

Anonymous said...

I am as embarrassed for the fixie hipsters now as I can only hope that they will be with the retrospective enlightenment of a few years time.

DrGelato said...

you just made Prolly's life.

Anonymous said...

Check Check 1, 2...this is Fix E Fresh and the Get Fixed Crew. Try to skid with us? make sure your white tires is new.

You try to bite style, but you be frontin' ...Sidi wearin and ATAC Time's? take your bike to the woods and go huntin'

rollin 700c mags like skyway. smokin raps like sinatra doin 'my way'

Andrew said...

i've never understood why people put "no low-ball offers" in their craigslist posts. i mean, if they don't put that line in there, its automatically assumed that if you offer them $5 for their pista concept, they're obligated to respond to your email with an acceptance of the offer?

Anonymous said...

whatever happened to cogxxxtreme? celebrity blogger rehab?

Anonymous said...

Zip: they should really say, "no annoying people".
Ever sell a bike? There is always some dufus who calls and offers half of what its worth , "cash".

Trick to these wankers: accept with glee and send them to 123 Fake Street in Crackton.

Anonymous said...

Watching people wrap bar tape you say...

at least it is the Hotness which makes it ok

BikeSnobNYC said...


Yes, I actually saw that after posting. Total coincidence.



More mass misguided acculturation, between the past days talk of pbr and other crap beers I am now subjected to that ridiculous song and more white kids sportin the mythical- urban-city referenced fashion.
Bring on the apocalypse, please.
Till then I'm going to put on my 8ball jacket, move my car to the opposite side of the street and head to the bodega for a fourty of Old E.

Unknown said...

That Chicago fire engine ska DJ bike has been compulsively reposted week after week. I have a theory that nobody wants it.

bikesgonewild said...

...prolly...i hope yer sendin' micheal ball a 'hed on a chain' t-shirt...

...the boy could use the love & some good hed...

Anonymous said...

annie 3:32 -- cogxx now has his own blog. please don't invite him back!

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, Neil from "The Young Ones." I'll never forget the episode where Motorhead appears and plays "Ace of Spades." Classic.

Neil: "It's a poltergoost!"

Anonymous said...

well mr. bikesnob
i can testify to the mumbled tone of destruction now rising in austin, texas.
ill admit i was swept by the fixie fad and maybe this is why the horror is so great, they know my face...
but freestylers are a new phenomenon recognized late in my relations with the scene.
just yesterday i happened upon a view soley witnessed in pictures depicting northern cities with sulphur sidewalks, three freestylers with flat brim caps, bust a button jeans and wonderbread toptubes. as for how long the city has, i've no idea, but please remember it as it was before....

Anonymous said...

Anybody look at that "Tallest bike in LA"? The top frame section still has the rear triangle, so you could mount a spare tire! Perfect for the next Wolfpack century.

Anonymous said...

re Anon 1:39 and 2:39:

best quote:
"Experienced riders can 'track stand' for hours at a time."

Anonymous said...

Anyone who refers to Celeste as "gang green" shouldn't have had a Bianchi in the first place.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:08pm,

I once saw a guy trackstanding on the sidewalk outside a sushi restaurant in the East Village on a Colnago track bike. I have no idea why. Perhaps, though, it was intended to lure customers into the restaurant--kind of like a guy in a hot dog costume handing coupons out in front of a Nathan's. In which case, high-schoolers who can track stand for hours at a time may be learning a marketable skill.


Anonymous said...

"Hands up, who likes me?"

bikesgonewild said...

...jeez, i hate to be nit-picky, but i agree w/ anon 5:13pm...

...the 'celeste' has more history than all fix gear hipsters combined...

Anonymous said...

this blog has developed it's own, weird, self-referential lexicon. I read it daily, with pleasure, but I still can't remember what the hell the fixie apocalypse is, and I refuse to go back to the original post. And the pistadex? I guess I'm just a wallflower on the edge of these arcane, important discussions, but I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about sometimes. Jesus H.

LK said...


No way! We are safe! Don't you read the paper?

Rudytime is over and now he's kissing Senator John so he's as good as crap beer too.

You can give your olde Pista away and upgrade.

BikeSnobNYC said...


You're absolutely right. This should help explain.


Anonymous said...

thanks snob. My confusion, like my acne, is clearing.

Anonymous said...

Riding a fixed gear bike is like walking. Riding a freewheel bike is like rollerblading.

Karl Rover said...

MTB riding will remain comfortably detached from the impending fixie apocalypse. Just like the mid-90s roller blading meltdown did not affect skateboarding whatsoever.

Anonymous said...

I was waiting for the HED t-shirts to make their debut here, that's a friend of mine, CK. He's good people.

Anonymous said...

If I was a retired U boat captain living in the States on hidden Wehrmacht gold, I would be looking to extract so serious hurt on those name stealing nancy boys. More like poodle pack

Cameron said...

The PistaDex in Califoria may be high, but I wouldn't count on it staying that way. My logs from indicate that the majority of my traffic is flowing in from the west coast! The 10-speed steeds are gaining momentum, and roof will be caving in on PistaDex very soon. Mark my words.

Anonymous said...

As a public service, here are the words to the not-always-intelligible "fixy" rap:

hey see my chainring
They hating
they know that I be ridin' fixy
Try to catch me ridin' fixy ...

Won't see me coastin'
or brakin'
you trippin' if you think I'll quit ridin' fixy
Try to catch me ridin' fixy ...

Y'all fools gonna make me do it
Trackstand at the light in front of your Buick
Mothafuckas wanna run me off the road
I'll grab my lock, take a swing and make your window explode
You might see me out ridin' with my club
We roll about 20 then we hit the pub
Chillin' out drinkin' beers til we can't see straight
Hit the streets with a lean why you suckas gotta hate
'Cuz you know we crazy like lunatics
We got no brakes but we still do skids
Got them bitches in lycra throwin' fits
Doing tricks in the park like a bunch of kids
Circle backwards: you can't hang with this
No-handed skid, now you gettin' pissed
Gotta fat chrome bag hangin' on my back
with some spare intertubes and a cold six pack
Alleycat race, now I'm ridin' fast
You freewheel hoes gonna finish last
Comin' up on your left, now I'm gonna pass
Won't see me coastin' or draggin' ass
Brooks on my jock be fittin' tight
40 oz in my left, bullhorns in my right
Cuttin' through traffic, got the haters cussin'
Rollin' past the fuckin' po-po like it's nothin'.


We been critical massin'
Blockin' the street so your car ain't passin'
Now I'm shitfaced off the 2-for-1s
Drinkin' double long islands means double the fun
Now we back on the street and we bringin' the game
Titanium wheels on my steel frame
48 up front, 15 in the back
Gotta tackle this hill
Won't be cuttin' no slack
Now I'm comin' back down,
leg over the bars.
Skiddin' long, one hand flippin' off the cars
Skid patch smokin' like a big ol' blunt
Gotta shift my weight to get more up front
Pop my foot back into the clip
and I gotta put my hand back down on the grip
Nitto bars be shinin' like a gem
Chrome seatpost with matchin' stem
*with no regard for your cars we dodge em like fuck 'em all*
Don't push us too far...
step out your car, and we'll have a brawl
We gotta right to ride
So step aside
Unless you want my SPDs applied
To your doors, your fenders and then your grille
Fuck with my fixy and you'll get killed

Anonymous said...

Wow. I was a messenger for three days in the mid '80's in DC. Then I got hit by Lincoln piloted by a lawyer.

Being originally from NY, I got a stock Japanese something or another fixed gear and off I went. (Didn't want to trash my "racing bike".) My first day I had to follow around some dude and he rode like a maniac.

I, in my two whole days by myself, actually made good time (and money). I got all of the undersirable "long runs". Which meant I could ride relatively safely and use my lungs (unadulterated by Marlboros) to make a decent pace.

Why am I saying this? I don't know. It just seems like the over the edge totally unsafe riding is more about some death wish than actually making a buck.


P.S. If you have a fixed gear, for God's sake pull the damn wheel back. You shouldn't see a visable sag in the friggin' chain!

Anonymous said...

"Gang Green" is what Bianchi calls that color. It's not anywhere close to Celeste.

Anonymous said...

hey-i see the pistadex is strong...but can anyone shed some light on the activity of the GTBdex-one of the first and strongest securities on the market. American-made, painted black, and dont give a f!#k...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @January 31, 2008 7:39 PM

Thank you for saving me the embarred-ass-manned of asking for the translation.

Anonymous said...

the masi speciale is taking the pista's place. that's why.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 9:43 pm...then consider this a written apology...w/ out looking at the dude's bike but owning two bianchi that are predominantly celeste, upon reading the posted comment, i could only assume...

...people rip celeste all the time, enough said ???...

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. fix e. fresh --

I confess I was skeptical about the bona fides of your assertion that Frank Sinatra recorded a rap version of "My Way" that was a paen to the fixed gear lifestyle.

But I did some research and it appears you are correct.

My favorite part:

"Yo, the record shows, to impress the hoes, I skid it sideways."

Golly, it just goes to show you: The classics never really do go out of style.

Anonymous said...

That's one cute wrench. Didn't she have a page in 'Bicycling'? [...Oh no, now they know I read 'Bicycling'] Anyway, time to do some stalking at Bike Works.

here's a theory, that chick IS BikeSnobNYC

Anonymous said...

Re: Fixed Gear High School

Say, did anybody read the "about" page on that site?

The Paly Voice is a student-run journalism Web site published continuously by the students in Palo Alto High School's Web Journalism class.

And here we are, a bunch of adults, ragging on their work in the COMMENTS PAGE of a BLOG. We are gigantic losers.


Anonymous said...

'riding fixie' made me want to kill myself- well, i could only listen to 10 seconds of it.. it's kind of like the same tolerance i have when i hear george w. bush's voice. thanks for that.
okay, okay, even though i was a little annoyed with the ghost bike thing- i'm back in love with you bsnyc.

Anonymous said...

Fixed Gear H.S. addendum...

That said, you'd think a high school that's got a whole class on web journalism would also include a modicum of fact-checking, geography, or at the very least "how to do a spell check."

From the bit where they break down their website's reader stats:

Overseas visitors primarily consisted of people from Canada, the United Kingdom, Austrailia and the Netherlands.


Anonymous said...

you make me laugh so hard!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Bike Snob,

I am a avid reader of your blog, and I do agree with the pistadex a a measurement to the impending doom of the fixed gear fad. However, it starting to be like a national security threat. I am not too concerned, the US could go down in a blaze of glory for all I care. But what are the fine businesses and hipster bike shops to do when the apocalypse strikes?

Anonymous said...

Dear Bike Snob

You can only imagine the pain that the "ridin fixie" video caused me.

Us brits often lay claim to inventing irony, and we definitely invented class insecurity, but this video should go out as a warning example of what they can create; ironic "gangsta" fixie riding. Oh the humanity. When he threw in the little "wassup" gesture I died a little inside.

As an extension of anonymous 4:56's security worries, should we perhaps form some sort of UN task force to counter the threat?

p.s. If the "music" turns out to be English too and therefore sung in a faux-American accent, I may have to emigrate immediately.

funkycarnivore said...

Just noticed that Elvis commented on that high school fixie article.

Anonymous said...

Apparently there is a serious rise in the value of outdated MTB components:

Unknown said...

DC Pistadex remains strong as well:

BikeSnobNYC said...


No price is too high for an M900-series drillium derailleur with a custom bolt kit. It's both vintage and pre-ruined.


Anonymous said...

so.... I'm newer to BSNYC, and I read the offered refresher FGA post.... but I still don't know if your rooting for or against said apocalypse.

Anonymous said...

There are other cities in the Pacific Northwest. See:

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Anonymous said...

An oldie but goodie Snob!