Snow Day: What To Do When You Can't Ride

Here in New York we had our first snowfall of the 2007/2008 winter season yesterday. While it wasn't much and it's already gone, it was certainly a sign that we need to start preparing ourselves mentally for winter. And if you’re a cyclist living in an area that experiences snowfall, at some point this winter you're going to find yourself snowbound. So instead of succumbing to cabin fever, you should be ready to make the best of it by using your downtime productively. Here are some things to do that will keep you from going stir-crazy:

Clean Your Bikes

I am not an advocate of excessive washing, polishing, detailing, or otherwise coddling your bicycle. However, even I acknowledge there occasionally comes a time when a cleaning is necessary. Signs that your bicycle may be ready for cleaning include:

--The chain looks like hemp twine
--Corrosion has effectively rendered your geared bike a fixed-gear
--The small rodent that met its demise in your mountain bike drivetrain has decomposed completely
--You loaded your ‘cross bike on your roof rack and drove to a race the other day. When you arrived the dirt clumps had blown off and you realized you had actually brought your road bike.

The simple way to clean your bike is with a hose, or else with a bucket of water and a brush. However, if you’re a city dweller, you might not have access to a hose, and carting a bucket, a bike, and a bunch of cleaning supplies from your apartment to the street can be highly inconvenient—especially in winter. If this is you, follow these steps to cleanliness:

1) Rinse bicycle in shower (avoid using “pulsing massage” shower head setting directly on bearings)
2) Drip-dry for ten minutes, then airdry with blowdryer
3) Remove chain, cassette, and other small parts such as derailleurs and pulleys, and wash in dishwasher
4) If no dishwasher, line toilet bowl with vinyl window screen. Place small parts in toilet, fill with degreaser, and flush repeatedly
5) Blow dry, re-lube, and re-install

Upgrade Your Bikes

Now is a good time to perform all those vital upgrades that various magazines and websites insist you can’t live without. Here are some things to look out for:

--If the rear cassette of your road bike has fewer than 10 cogs, upgrade to a 10-speed system immediately
--Compact is the new triple, so if you’re still using a triple crank on your road bike discard it immediately. Triples are dorky, whereas compacts are “stealth dork” because people have to look pretty closely to tell you’re using one
--If your mountain bike has a rigid fork, replace it with a suspension fork
--If your mountain bike has a suspension fork, replace it with a rigid fork. (Rigid is the new suspension.)
--Be sure your mountain bike has the correct wheel size. 29” is the new 26”, and 69ers are the new 29ers. And 650b is the new 700c. If this is too confusing, just use 27” road wheels, declare them the new 700c, and wait for someone to make mountain tires for them.

Ride the Trainer

Not having fun on your bike doesn’t have to stop just because you can’t ride outside. Just bolt your bike to the trainer and flail away! Of course, everyone--even roadies--eventually gets bored riding indoors. If time starts passing slowly for you, here are some fun ways to speed it up again:

Make Videos of Yourself

A fan, a scenic backdrop, and some pro team kit is all you need to re-enact great moments in cyclesport. If you have a garage you can even incorporate team car hand-ups. It’s like pro cycling karaoke!

“Three’s Company” Intervals

--This popular sitcom bridged the gap between the 70s and the 80s, and it can also bridge the gap in your fitness. Simply watch it while you ride the trainer and do a 90-second interval each time either Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley looks directly at the camera. You’ll own the sprints next season.

Album/Movie Synch-Ups

--One of the biggest obstacles to reaping the benefits of riding the trainer is forcing yourself to stay on it long enough. One way to make the time fly is with album/movie synch-ups. You’ve probably heard that if you listen to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” and watch “The Wizard of Oz” they match up perfectly. Well, these aren’t the only ones. Other uncanny matches that will transport you to the end of your workout with their magic are: Bon Jovi’s “Slippery When Wet” with “Sophie’s Choice;” Don Johnson’s “Heartbeat” with “Serpico;” and “Weird Al” Yankovic’s “Dare To Be Stupid” with D.W. Griffith’s “Birth of a Nation.”

Post On Internet Forums

Whether or not you’re actually riding, it’s important to give other people all over the world the impression that you are by gratuitously posting winter-related questions and ride reports to internet forums. Posts that will impress others with your hardiness include:

--“Does anybody know of a handlebar-mounted thermometer that gives readings in Kelvin?”
--“Sheet-metal screws for homemade snow tires— Phillips or slotted?”
--“Help! Motocross tires won’t clear the stays of my Surly Pugsley!”
--“Looking for a cycling-specific periscope for riding through snowdrifts over 6’.”
--Ride reports that include phrases like: “Temps finally above 2 here in Northern Minnesota so I loaded the panniers with sterno fuel and headed out for a ride;” “Day four—we had consumed the last of the seal blubber and Dave was starting to look appetizing;” and “Cold one today—in fact my hands are too cold to move so I’m typing this with my snot-sickle.”