Thursday, December 13, 2007

Gilding the Lily: Building a Better Bike

Every so often I like to check in with the websites of the various big bicycle companies. Of course, when I do I know that I should not expect to find much actual information, since finding a fact on these sites is like finding a marble in a kiddie pool full of oatmeal. Instead, I visit simply to be entertained, and I'm rarely disappointed--especially when it comes to the copy. Here's a bit of copy I read recently which I found particuarly provocative, as well as a dramatization of what may have happened between the lines:



The copy: "Our Cannondale Vredestein team thought we were insane, 'Why would you want to change something that’s perfect?' Our engineers asked, 'What would make it better?' The team responded, 'More travel, lighter, stiffer.' Done."


ACT I
TEAM: You guys are insane! Why would you want to change something that’s perfect?

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Wow. I mean really, wow. You think the bike’s perfect? I’m blushing!

TEAM: Yeah! Well, I mean, it’s kinda weird looking, but we’ve already got all the wrenches for it and stuff. Not only that, but we’ve also got all the riders’ seat and bar heights and junk just right. If you make a new bike we’re going to have to figure that stuff out all over again. That could take hours.

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: I see. But don't you want the bike to have more travel, and to be lighter and stiffer?

TEAM: Not really, we just run the suspension on lockout. Light's good I guess. Easier to carry.

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Oh. Well, at any rate, don’t worry. You’re gonna love the new bike.

TEAM: Whatever.

ACT II

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: [Throwing bike out window] We need a totally new Scalpel!

ENGINEER: [Dropping protractor in surprise] What? Why? What would make it better?

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Selling more of them, that’s what! What do you think this is, a kibbutz? We’re a publicly-traded company! You know what our stock’s trading at right now? Four cents a share! [Digs in pocket, grabs some pocket change and throws it at the ENGINEER.] You know what I did just there? I just bought thirty-two percent of the company! Someone could buy us out right now for less than it costs to do a load of delicates at the laundromat! There are literally people standing in front of vending machines right now and asking themselves, “Hmm, I could buy this bag of peanut M&Ms, or I could own half of Cannondale.” And you know what they’re doing? They’re buying the freaking candy!

ENGINEER: All right, all right. But think for a minute. Even small changes are a major pain in the ass, and those changes cost money. What about a decal redesign?

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: You don’t think we’re doing that? We just hired someone off Craigslist. But there’s only so much we can do there. We’ve got one of the longest names in the industry and there’s only so many places on the bike we can fit it. Man, those guys at Trek have it so easy!

ENGINEER: Okay. What about a name change?

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Wow, you’re a genius. You wanna be head of marketing? I think you’d be great at that. Idiot. Scalpel’s the perfect name! We’d be nuts to change it! It’s sharp and precise! Do you know how many names we went through before we picked it? Paring Knife—too culinary. X-Acto Knife—already trademarked. Samurai Sword—too ethnic. The Hedge Clipper—too landscapey—

ENGINEER: All right, how about this? We move the fork leg from the left side of the bike to the right and we call it the “Righty.”

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Where the hell are you gonna put the brake?

ENGINEER: Uh, we’ll make an adaptor?

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Do you know anything about bikes at all?

ENGINEER: No! I told you that when you hired me from that novelty company.

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Yeah, well call me crazy, but I thought the guy who invented the Superfly Oinking Pig might know a thing or two about engineering.

ENGINEER: Well, I’m doing the best I can.

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: I know you are. [Putting his arm around ENGINEER.] Hey, look, I know I’m being tough on you. I’m under a lot of pressure is all. I’ve got LeBron James breathing down my neck like a teenager on a date. I just wanna make a hit out of this thing, you know?

ENGINEER: I know.

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Great. I knew I could count on you. Now let’s build a bike!

[They high-five]

ACT III

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: So here it is, the new frame.

TEAM: Cool. Decals are a little cheesy. Why is the fork leg on the right? What are we supposed to do about the brake?

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: Just flip the wheel around.

TEAM: Oh. Well thanks.

HEAD OF CANNONDALE: No problem—thanks for the input.
FIN

62 comments:

Daddo said...

Ta-Da!

wisco said...

vino*

Anonymous said...

Yus

Anonymous said...

Podium!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Crap!

Anonymous said...

Wow... laughed my ass off... and I love my Cannondale.

I could totally see a conversation like that happening having worked with enough R&D people. Actually, I think I *have* heard that conversation from engineers and R&D people before.

BTW: I've got $1.28 in change right now, could I get in on some of that Cannondale stock?

db said...

This is as good an account of how bike makers make decisions as any that I've seen.

Thanks for the insight. And the link to the flying oinking pig. Stocking stuffer!

Anonymous said...

TOP 10, BEST NEW RIDER JERSAY!!!

Anonymous said...

I read your whole post, and then actually went back and looked at the picture to see if they had indeed changed the fork to the right.
I think I'll go buy a bridge now...

Oh, and the first 5 or 6 posters on this (and just about every other post you write) should shut the hell up.
It's a comment board, not a desk-jockey crit.

-Bianchi

Anonymous said...

Heh.

The best part about finding the marble in the oatmeal is drinking from the firehose!

Michael Richards can also be seen in a pre-Seinfeld driver's education video put out by some insurance company- I remember it from high school and haven't seen it since but it's probably out on Youtube.

I look forward to future plays based on other models and manufacturers. Perhaps an act in Pista! the musical?

Sprocketboy said...

Want to make a small fortune in the bike business? Start with a large one...

I was a bit shocked when I saw that C'dale stock is in reality trading at 4 cents. Ah, the glorious days of 1996 or so, when shares were trading around $22 and you could actually make money with this. I sold my shares at a profit when I read that the company was getting into the dirt bike business, and loaning Joe Montgomery, the then-President, a pile of cash to buy a house. I think there have been a few bankruptcies in between, but still...

Perhaps they have not been "landscapey" enough.

Anonymous said...

Honest question (I should know better) but what the hell happened to Cannondale?

Out of curiosity I checked the stock price to confirm the $.04 quote - it's true. But even more shocking is that just 10 years ago it was at $23.25.

Any comments on where they went wrong or what happened?

Say what you will about them being overpriced bikes; I ride a C-dale and love it and am happy I picked it over the Trek and Giant.

Anonymous said...

Renaming the bike to the "Sickle" may add a cent or two to the stock price.

Judi said...

That bike is just ugly.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC--

Very funny! An instant classic!

And I have got to get a flying oinking pig. I don't why, but I'll figure that out later.

Anonymous said...

All right I'm convinced you are more than one person...now I know how all the out-of-work writers in L.A. are spending their time...moonlighting for Bikesnob, Inc. Nice racket.

Like a good boob-job, it really doesn't matter, though, does it? I mean to say, you are a funny, bright, and talented S.O.B.

Thanks for the laugh.

erik k said...

i think the best thing about this post is as your reading it your going haha, theres no way that can be true, levron James and .04cents a share and then it turns out that it is. They probably do hire their designers off of craigslist. Those bikes suffer from a serious case of beat with an ugly stick, when will they figure out the most people don't want a lopsided looking mountain bike, no mater how good it is,, just throw a fox shock on the front and already right there you've got a 70% aesthetic improvement no matter how ugly the decal job is and use of grotesquely over sided tubing, at least that bike doesn't have a head shock

Sprocketboy said...

Maybe if they gave away a Flying Oink Pig with each bike it would help the stock price too.

Re: Investor Relations

Cannondale decided to throw the dice on the dirt bike and spent a great deal of money on it--frame development, engine,suspension, everything--but when you have to compete against established market leaders with deep pockets and established dealer relationships, such as Honda or Yamaha, you are going to go into a world of hurt. And then if you hand your President a good chunk of your free remaining cash to buy a house, then spend the rest renting a bizjet from him to be used by him, it is a signal to run away if you are a smart investor. The wheels came off and the company went bankrupt. The shares traded are on the OTC/Pink Sheets and the total volume is worth around $90/day. Not much for a company that has revenues of $150 million. On the other hand, it is losing more and more money each year. For myself, I am going long in top tube covers.

Anonymous said...

C'Dale had an opening for an Art Director posted on Monster a few months ago. This conversation may be closer to reality than we all suspect.

M. Weed said...

Yeah, I have a CAAD2 that I got in 1998 and a 2004 CAAD5 that I got recently, and I really love both of them. But the company is horrendous when it comes to support... Besides the fact that they staked a lot of their reputation (and decals) on their frames being made in the U.S., but now a lot of stuff is coming from Taiwan. Maybe they ought to try just being a frame builder instead of supplying complete bikes --- neither of my c-dales have any of the original components on them anyway (a lot of CODA crap and low-end Shimano stuff) --- but I still like those frames.

Strayhorn said...

Boy howdy on the lack of hard info. I'm so old I can remember when manufacturers' sites had PDFs of their instruction sheets going back several model years. Even Campy!

Now they feature annoying Flash graphics and MBA-speak. No links to downloadable support, but if you know how to finesse Google you can generally find the PDFs languishing in the archives.

What's really curious is that several of them seem to use the same template file from Adobe.

Anonymous said...

Wow. That was cruel. Keep up the good work.

You figure LeBron asked, "You got change for a $20?" When he bought in?

bukiewicz said...

oh man, priceless.

Jim said...

Wow, none of you people know anything about the bike industry.

The term isn't "decal redesign."

It's "Bold New Graphics!™"

It's not "singularly ugly," it's "unique, striking."

And it isn't "same old design," it's "tried and true, not to mention optimum, specifications."

You people would never make it at Bianchi, is all I can say.

Anonymous said...

Jim: "Wow, none of you people know anything about the bike industry."

you should sign on to the mission bicycle PR team.

Karl Rover said...

Damn, what is with those Princeton Tigers colors? Yikes! They should have never strayed from the blue/white/gold colors back when they were cool with Missy Giove, Tinker, Cadel Evans and Cedric Garcia.

Nateo said...

One of my friends rides for one of the Cannondale teams. His Scalpel lasted about half a season before the chain stay snaps. Now he uses his Giant XTC Comp with a different decal kit.
Moral of the story: materials with poor elongation characteristics shouldn't be bending.

Scottie said...

"Not really, we just run the suspension on lockout."

Haha, what so many more people should know but don't! They go and buy the full suspension because that's what the pros use, but the pros only use it because it's what their sponsors tell them to use. Anyone happen to notice that the regining XC world champ (4 years running now) rides a hadtail?

Anonymous said...

Good lord that bike is hideous.

Anonymous said...

Great post, Snob, I almost choked on my tuna sandwich- I loved the line about the M&M's. Nothing against Lebron,but when athletes invest in something, it's a signal to run in the opposite direction.

KanyonKris said...

Another "laughed myself silly and I own a C'dale". Expertly woven satire from real-life yarn.

I like my C'dale MTB because it fits me like a glove. The Lefty shock works great and it's light, but I'd just as soon have a normal two-pronged fork. The bike rides nice and takes abuse. Overall I'm happy with it. But if there is a next bike, it will probably be a Specialized.

Anonymous said...

OK. Regarding Cannondale Stock. That's not really the stock in the existing company. The company went bankrupt and the bicycling operation was purchased by a private investment firm, Pegasus Partners. So it's a private company, now, and the Lebron James purchase was from that private company. I'm not really sure what that $.04 stock actually buys, but it is not a stake in the Cannondale Bicycle Company.

Somehow, I think BSNYC already knew that, but his version is funnier.

Anonymous said...

...peanut M&M's for me too.

Sprocketboy said...

I think it actually is stock in the existing company but in such small quantity that Pegasus has not noticed it is even there. I believe that Cannondale actually went bankrupt twice, so M&Ms are clearly the way to go. I think that Mr. James has enough money that if Cannondale goes under yet again he will not have to postpone retirement.

Anonymous said...

...having worked in that end of the biz, many years ago, i refuse to comment...
...i don't wish to incriminate myself...

...jim does make some salient points though...

Anonymous said...

Having written copy for the internet and working for a rival bike company, I really appreciate this post. Funny stuff. I guess my company would do this kind of thing too, if we sponsored a team or were into innovation or something like that.

Anonymous said...

Hey I designed those decals! No seriously I did. You know what happens though...The sponsor dictates colors. Volvo = Blue and Yellow. Vredestein = Orange, White and Black. As for the stock...that is for the bankrupt Cannondale Corp. The Cannondale today is Cannondale Bicycle Corporation. New name = new company and no obligation to former stock holders. Sorry to blow holes in the play...but well that's how it is.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Rontom.org,

Thanks for the comment! The post was all in fun of course. I tried to stay as far away from actual facts as possible.

Respectfully,

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are! Stars indeed! :-)

Anonymous said...

Yeah no worries, I wasn't offended ;) I don't work there anymore...Your satire is good though. Anybody on the inside would agree with your satire. Marketing is just making up a good story to sell your product. If you really want some good made up material to poke fun at you should satire Specialized!

Timothy J said...

A bike shop I worked in many years ago was one of the top sellers of Cannondale in the country. In addition to all the Cdales we sold, we also picked up a few hundred frames a year on a deal, built them up with our own kits and sold them. Cdale got pissed at us and told us they would not sell us the frames anymore since they were not making as much money on those bikes. So the shop got the same deal from Giant and started pushing Giant instead of Cdale, but we still sold a crap load of Cdales. Then Cdale decided to sell to our closest rival. We argued about that. Finally the bike shop owner went to the big bike company our rival bought most of their bikes from and put in a pre season order of $250,000. Rival bike shop got pissed at their big bike company, but had to cancel the Cdale order to match our $250,000 order so their big bike company would not sell to us. Then Cdale came and told us that they decided not to sell to our rival. The owner called them liars, told them about what he had done, only gave them a small pre season order, told them they could warehouse for us from now on and we would order as needed. Then we started pushing Giants even more and brought in a few other lines. Lat time I was in the shop the guy was pushing Giant and Scott. Cdales had very little floor space.

Cdale completely screwed themselves! Great business decisions like that surely contributed to their money issues. (I actually have other stories of their stupidity.)

Anonymous said...

rontom.org --

You mean every thing on the Specialized site isn't dedicated just to making me a better rider!!??

Oh dear.

I feel so used.

Anonymous said...

Investor Relations said...

Honest question (I should know better) but what the hell happened to Cannondale?

Few issues: 1. There are too many bike companies at this level. Most have moved manufacturing to Asia.
2. Poor R&D decisions, spending huge money on different technology that is usually worse then the status quo. Yes, I won a Headshock bike.
3. Americanitis in manufacturing, this is where hype and marketing is more important than real R&D and a quality product. They are out of ideas. Litespeed is swirling the bowl for the same reason.

LK said...

A: Yo BIKEQ!
B: Whattup BIKEQ!
A: Well BIKEQ!
B: BIKEQ too!

Anonymous said...

Well done ! I'm waiting for someone to make a video of the play and post it on You Tube.

Anonymous said...

Any company that has pickle factory origins and can design a superfly oinking pig gets my vote. I will now throw my uber carbon beastie over a cliff as a virgin sacrifice to the gods of Nasdaq and hope for a market shift. I live in eternal hope that I can lick a cannondale for years to come ( god knows that they are too uncomfortable to ride)

Anonymous said...

killer post.

Anonymous said...

"aaand scene"! works better for me than "fin". But I still smell a Tony. Nice work.

Anonymous said...

so, yeah, heard the other day that c-dale could potentially be bought by pacific cycle, you know, wal-mart, schwinn, gt, etc. anything else like that in the grapevine?

Anonymous said...

Andy Pandy:

I honestly don't know what you mean about too uncomfortable to ride. I'll be honest I had to swap out the stem for a shorter one and decided to replace the saddle but I have no problems at all with my C-dale.

IMO, since they're somewhat selective where they sell they should explore a more customizable approach - if they're going to continue to sell at a premium. I dropped $200 more on the C-dale than a similar Specialized then had to spend more on the stem. Since I bought it at a "larger" LBS I would have liked the option to select the stem at time of purchase for no additional cost. But that's just me.

I logged a modest amount of miles last year on my C-dale and never thought of it as uncomfortable. It's got just the right amount of vertical rigidity, lateral complaince, horizontal flex (or whatever Bicycling is trumpeting as what I should care about) for me.

Before buying the C-dale I test rode Specialized, Trek, Giant, and C-dale. I fell in love with the C-dale (even with the longer stem) and knew which way to go.

The "Handmade in the US" decals helped a little, but just a little - oh, and the pretty welds helped a little too.

Anonymous said...

Investor ,
Rode them all too and was bored to tears by them or bashed up. Given the fistfull of rupies being asked I could not in all honesty justify the purchase. By luck I rode one manufacturer's bike from north of the border and it was chalk and cheese. It was all over..... LUST on first ride. Rode back and put a deposit on it. At the end of the day it comes down to what one man's meat is another man's tofu. All this talk of food is making me hungry

Anonymous said...

one of the bests bsnyc posts so far - hilarious

AnnaZed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
AnnaZed said...

That was a very funny post and as a Cannondale dealer I should know.

Still, even from an insider’s vantage point I do wonder about how the company got to this impasse. I had been thinking of the Cannondale/Trek (or Specialized/Giant-what-have-you) world as a sort of similar to the Mac/PC dichotomy in computer hardware. In fact as a hopelessly romantic loyal Mac user I have similar worries and anxieties about my favorite bike company to those that I had not that long ago about Apple.

I still try to be confident when I stand on the selling floor and say “Hand Made Right Here in the States” while selling a Cannondale. Okay, the Carbon Synapse sneaked in – a bike that I have never liked and of which I personally have sold very few. Now we have the F-line and the Adventure bikes made in Taiwan (is it Taiwan? Unlike the Treks they don’t have the honesty to have the country of origin sticker on the head tube).

Hummm….

And there are little things. Like the packaging on a bunch of new pumps that we got; these pumps in fact can’t make a link, the blogger thing just won’t let me – no idea why):

http://www.cannondale.com/a_a/gear/08/FW/model-8MP05.html#pumps


They work just fine though I doubt that they are the offspring of anything like Cannondale innovation or anything, which is also fine.

It’s the packaging that is so asinine. They come zip-tied to these flimsy pieces of cardboard and so in transit every single one tore itself out of the package. So now all of the packages are torn up. I sort of made new holes with a hole-punch and zip-tied them back to the cardboard, but seriously that is like an art school design class 101 get a D on the project fuck-up. How does that shit even happen in a company that can make a work of art like a CAAD 9 frame?

That and the Chinese bike just make me sad for the whole concept of a beautiful handmade frame at an affordable price. I am very Cannondale-centric when I sell. I really think that a beautiful bike like thiscan’t make a link, the blogger thing just won’t let me – no idea why):

http://www.cannondale.com/bikes/07/cusa/road/caad9/model-7RA92D.html

Is flat out an awesome deal. Nothing touches it at that price point. It rocks.

I’m just not sure that the company is going to be sticking to that standard (note that that is an ’07 bike).

Now of course the rumbling of their imminent sale make my fears seem justified. Sad days ahead I’m thinking unless there is some sort of cycling equivalent of an I-pod about to emerge from the Cannondale team and save the day.

Anonymous said...

I love my caad9... and I got it for dirt cheep. The way the snob always pokes fun at cannondale makes me think thats what he rides.

Anonymous said...

Sure, bash C'dales. Call them ugly? Your Mama...
Innovation has its risks. Sometimes C. swings and misses, but some of you would still be pushing penny farthings and that would make you fixties.

Anonymous said...

Too funny! This post was linked on a dutch MTB site (forum.mountainbike.nl)

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, and here I thought this post was satire. "Righty" it is!

http://www.cannondalecommunity.com/sketchbook/default.asp?item=298976

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