This is the time of year when amateur road racers across the country work on designing their team kits for next season. And as all roadies know, the more brightly colored the kit the more pro you look. Unfortunately, though, some of these colors can also be translucent, and even the most dedicated roadies stop shaving at the upper thigh. If your team happens to wear light colors you can easily fall victim to VBS, or "Visible Bush Syndrome." That's right, I'm talking about that embarassing dark shadow in the crotchal region that can ruin your next podium appearance. Fortunately, pubic hair dye is easily available. It's inexpensive and it comes in a variety of colors, including Passion Plum, Intense Red, Amber Flame, and Carmine Pink (formerly T-Mobile). It's the perfect gift for the special roadie in your life.
The year was 1987. In movie theaters, we were thrilled by "Robocop," swept away by "Dirty Dancing," and laughing at "Full Metal Jacket." On TV, we were delighted by the antics of "Alf," "Night Court," and "60 Minutes." And on our Walkmans, Michael Jackson was still "Bad," Bon Jovi was "Slippery When Wet," and we were swept away by the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack. We were also in the grip of Scooter Mania. That's right, freestyle BMX-inspired scooters were all the rage. For a brief and exceedingly dorky moment America's top riders tore up the half-pipes on the Mongoose Miniscoot, the Dyno Zoot Scoot, and the General Sidekick. Sadly, those days are gone. But what BMX enthusiast wouldn't want to own a piece of the most embarassing chapter in BMX history? If you'd like to help him--or if you're looking to stay on the cutting edge of retro-chic--head on over to http://www.bmxmuseum.com/ and check out the classifieds.
Freeriders, Gravity Riders and Other Wearers of Full-Face Helmets
If you've got a friend or loved one who rides a bike that looks like it should have a motor and weighs over 40 pounds, chances are he'll love the THE Torch sweatshirt, forwarded to me by a reader. This is the ideal garment for riders who also enjoy things like paintball, DJing, bands like Korn, and first person shooter games with racist overtones. It's also a great gift for messengers--not the fixed-gear messengers everyone likes to copy, but those other messengers who ride mountain bikes , wear goggles and full body armor, and don't get invited to parties in Williamsburg.
While roadies tend to be clean-shaven, touring cyclists generally occupy the other end of the grooming spectrum. Here, hairy legs that evoke Spanish moss and beards that creep unnervingly eyeballward are the norm. For these riders, normal grooming tools can be inadequate. That's why canine-inspired stripping knives make for a perfect addition to any tourist's panniers. And don't forget to include this handy guide--all your favorite SPD sandal enthusiast needs to do is find the dog he'd most like to look like and cut away.
What Francophilic cyclist wouldn't love the gift of cheese? It's perfect for nibbling by the fire after that Brevet as you peruse the "Rivendell Reader," pet your loyal Alsatian, and inch your spouse ever closer to divorce by holding forth on your feelings regarding fenders, lugs, and braze-ons.
Finally, for that rider in your life who hasn't given up lying on his back with his feet flailing in the air, give the gift of on-the-bike entertainment with a mobile. It's easy to install, it will amuse and delight him as he rides, and it will even make him more visible to motorists. He'll slobber in his beard with delight!