Thursday, November 15, 2007

BSNYC Product Review: No Holds Barred

Among other things, the terms of my selling out stipulate that I must review products. Consequently, to walk into my home is to wade waist-deep through boxes and boxes of bicycle product. In fact, my living room makes Cadence look like Recycle-A-Bicycle. It’s gotten so bad that "Velonews" technical guru and whiz-bangery apologist Lennard Zinn has tried to break in so many times I’ve had to put a Jobst Brandt scarecrow outside. So I figured it’s time I reviewed something so I can get one more thing out of the house.

But even though I’m a sell-out, I won’t just review anything. No, if I’m going to review something it has to give me that feeling of pulse-pounding excitement all gear whores live for—it’s like that feeling you get right after you swallow a pill without knowing what it is and right before whatever it’s supposed to do to you starts happening. Unfortunately, I opened package after package and just didn’t get that sensation. That is, until I opened the one containing the Cinelli Neo Morphe handlebar. As soon as I opened the box and pulled that twisted carbon out from beneath the dozens of stale cannoli Cinelli had used for packing material, I knew this was it.


Sure, I know what you’re thinking when you hear “Cinelli.” You’re thinking, “Why don’t they put a bullet in this company already?” Apart from some nice cork tape and the Supercorsa, what have they given the cycling world since their old 26.4 bar clamp “standard” and a whole lotta quasi-innovative flash? With their latest line of products, Cinelli aren’t just thinking outside the box. They’re wrapping the box in metallic paper, placing it under an over-decorated Christmas tree, putting the whole thing in South Beach, Miami, and having the world’s tackiest holiday party. Cinelli have become the bicycle equivalent of a middle-aged divorcee in a Versace dress who drinks too much and starts hanging all over you in a hotel bar. They’re like Irenie in that scene from “Pootie Tang” where she’s sexually assaulting Truckie.

But this handlebar was something different. As all cyclists know, there’s just something objectionable about old-fashioned handlebars. Simply grabbing a piece of bent tubing transports you back to a time before universal suffrage, Polio vaccine, and indoor plumbing, and that’s a trip you don’t want to take. Meanwhile, as soon as I picked up the Cinelli Neo Morphe I started running around the house in my underwear, pretending to pilot the Millennium Falcon and making laser noises before I even knew what I was doing.

If you’re unfamiliar with the history of road bike handlebars, here it is in a nutshell. First there was this:

Then there was the “ergo bend.”



Then “classic bend” became the new ergo. (“Classic bend” is the same as the old-fashioned bars, but in black).

Then bars with flat tops became the new classic bend.


Then came the Cinelli Neo Morphe and buried them all.

OK, so it was time to install these bars on one of the BSNYC test-cycles (I’m fortunate to have two test-cycles). Unfortunately, there were no visible bolts on my shift levers, so for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to get them off. After wrestling with them for a couple of hours I gave up and brought everything to the LBS. The mechanic disappeared for four minutes, brought everything back to me ready to go, and charged me $75. The one thing I did do was wrap the bars myself once I got back home. I used Saran Wrap for three reasons: 1) it’s easier than fussing with complicated tape; 2) it shows off the bars; and 3) it lets me read the markings on the bar that mark the locations of the “Palm Zone,” “Power Zone,” “3 Finger Zone,” and “Revers Grip Zone.” (Thankfully, the text is all in English.)

My plan was to try these out on the local group ride, but as we all know you should always test something first before doing a race or a hard training ride. So I took the test-cycle for a spin around the block. It’s hard for me to describe just how sublime these handlebars are, but I’ll do my best. Just remember the most erotic dream you’ve ever had. Remember how your hands moved all over your partner, caressing every curve. Now fix those contours in carbon fiber and bolt them onto the front of your bike with a 31.8 stem. That on librium is what it’s like to ride these bars.

I rolled up to the start of the group ride and immediately received the “oohs” and “ahhs” from other riders that every serial upgrader longs for. As we rolled out, I put my hands in the “Palm Zone” and started to spin. Soon the pace increased and the pack got strung out. I started to lose the wheel in front of me, so I moved my hands to the “Power Zone.” And that’s when it happened. I started going fast—really fast. Soon the other riders were a blur, and then they were gone. Suddenly I felt like I was in a vortex and I started passing riders that weren't even there: recumbents; Bonneville salt flat land speed record-breakers; guys on tri-bikes wearing Lt. Dangle short-shorts. Then, impossibly, I started going even faster. Like “Spaceballs,” I hit plaid, but then I leapfrogged plaid and went straight to argyle lycra. Then everything went black.

I eventually came to lying on the side of the road, just past the final sprint point. My bike was gone and all that was left were the Cinelli Neo Morphe bars I was still clutching in my hands. The rest of the group arrived 45 minutes later. Just try that with your aluminum classic bends.

Cinelli just raised the bar.

96 comments:

Anonymous said...

pereiro!

Anonymous said...

Ha ha Hilary, I win!

Anonymous said...

Show!

SF

Anonymous said...

Bike handle bar or two headed dildo? You decide . . .

Anonymous said...

Lt. Jim Dangle! Another first in a bike product review. Well played, sir.

OAP said...

HAHA. Great post.

Adam said...

Thanks snob. Love the reviews.

Anonymous said...

How gauche of me to be riding flat top bars made out of aluminum.

And it used to be that the only reason anyone needed for an upgrade like this was lighter weight. What do you think the power zone is worth, an additional 500 watts?

Anonymous said...

that's absolutely effing hilarious. I've done that millenium falcon lazer thingy more times than I can count, yet another reason to ride a space-bike.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Pooty Tang? Sapceballs? Your comedic pedigree knows no bounds.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure a UCI ban is forthcoming...

Anonymous said...

Christmas tree>South Beach>Stifler’s mom>”Pooty Tang”>universal suffrage>Polio vaccine>indoor plumbing>erotic dreams>Librium>”passing riders that weren’t even there”>Reno 911>”Like “Spaceballs,” I hit plaid, but then I leapfrogged plaid and went straight to argyle lycra. Then everything went black.” Make it stop, I’m dizzy and gonna hurl. Just who is your pharmacist anyway?

Anonymous said...

heh heh. you said palm zone.

Anonymous said...

"I hit plaid"

Oh my god... Now I know why bike shorts have those diapers... I just peed myself.

Anonymous said...

"two test-cycles" !!!

Anonymous said...

sa da tay bsnyc! wa da tah!

anonymous said...

"Cinelli have become the bicycle equivalent of a middle-aged divorcee in a Versace dress who drinks too much and starts hanging all over you in a hotel bar" - you say that like it's a bad thing?

Jon is a Typhoon! said...

"I hit plaid"

shit myself laughing so hard

but what are you going to do now? you only have one test bike left?

Anonymous said...

i was wondering where LT Dangle was at formation this morning?

Unknown said...

Sold! These are gonna look hot on my fixed gear conversion.

Strayhorn said...

I went to the C-dale Demo Truck at a local dealer last winter and one of the bikes I rode had an Easton EC-70 Wing on it. Man, that was comfortable. So comfortable it seemed to violate one of the laws of amateur sport: there has to be pain involved. Like surfing in cold water, cyclists need to have their wrists and palms jackhammered.

So I got one for my everyday ride and consider it some money well spent. But I covered it with some cheap Forte handlebar tape so no one knows.

Plus I don't seem to be any faster. Did I get cheated?

Niki said...

This is my new favorite post.

Anonymous said...

Strayhorn 1:03 - No, you didn't get cheated. You get +250 watts extra for that bar, but Forte tape costs you -300 watts output.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty much at a loss for words here.

Matt in Seattle

erik k said...

at what point in the plaid vortex did your bike spontaneously dissolve? perhaps you did the unthinkable and achieved ludacris speed, causing the famed rapper appeared and steal your bike (without you even knowing!). Lucky for you though he wasn't able to wrestle the handlebars from hands as they were grasping the "Power Zone"

BikeSnobNYC said...

Erik K,

Your theory is entirely plausible. Thanks for helping fill in my memory gap!

--BSNYC

LK said...

Wow! I think I'm having amphetamine psychosis flashbacks.

Can't wait to flopN'choppe these.

Anonymous said...

Very "Flight of the Navigator", you should check your Camelbak for a tiny gremlin...

GGehrke said...

"Can't wait to flopN'choppe these."

aaaaaaahahahaha. I wouldn't even be surprised.

Jim said...

Those are complete POS'es.

Everybody knows carbon bars are no good unless they are unit-constructed into a one piece integrated bar/stem/headset/steerer/fork/lawyer-lips/skewer/hub combo.

Anonymous said...

Can't wait to flop and chop these but how am I gonna fit the bmx grips on the flat part?

note to self, invent flat grips, market them to cutting edge cycle manufacturer such as Mission Bicycles. make a million bucks.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC is back in true form. He's dancing on the pedals, in a blogging way.

alliwannadoisbicycle said...

i'm suprised cinelli doesn't make a laser sight to stay in a perfect weekend paceline...

Mitch Merry said...

in which "zone" do I put the oury grips when I flip and chop them?

Anonymous said...

Wow! I think I'm having amphetamine psychosis flashbacks.

amazing.

Anonymous said...

of course if erik's theory is correct then we should see bike snob's bike turning up on craigslist anytime now. i would say that there is a fytty-fitty chance.

Scottie said...

"Unfortunately, there were no visible bolts on my shift levers, so for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to get them off."

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

The Saran Wrap didn't melt all over the bars and ruin them after you hit light speed?

Anonymous said...

The cables go on the inside?

Oh dear.

I thought my tape was just lumpy.

Those fake bike snob blogs just don't provide the public service BSNYC performs.

KP said...

Mitch,
Twilight or Danger should be fine.
-KP

Anonymous said...

After a quick Google search, I couldn't find an MSRP. Anyone know? (As if I didn't laugh enough at this post!)

Also, if I had enough leftover tape after my last "Dog Erection" wrap to do only one Grip Zone, what would it be?

Anonymous said...

...he tried to be a good man, but he spent most of his life hunched over behind bars...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA!!!

great post!!!

Anonymous said...

jeremy, for what it's worth i just looked them up and found them in £'s. did a google conversion and it came to about $362.24.

Unknown said...

Wait till you see the new R-A-B Dumbo shop, you'll have to find a new fig. of speech for "a mell of a hess".

Anonymous said...

Sa-da-tay! I'm gonna sine yo piddy on the runny sty.

Anonymous said...

"it’s like that feeling you get right after you swallow a pill without knowing what it is and right before whatever it’s supposed to do to you starts happening"

Ha! the memories, or lack of.

What color was the one you took before the test ride?

Anonymous said...

"Unfortunately, there were no visible bolts on my shift levers, so for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to get them off."

I thought this was why fixed gears all have flop-and-chops.

Anonymous said...

best.post.ever.

KanyonKris said...

BSNYC, what are you saying about your readers when you throw out a "Pootie Tang" reference? I, sir, am insulted by this insinuation! Pistas at dawn!

Gotta admit, this one had me laughing hard several times. Good work! You're a satirical hyperbole ninja master. (I thunk that's up all by me self!)

Anonymous said...

I think you should review this bike; http://tinyurl.com/2u8arc. Sorry couldn't get linkage to work. (Copyright issue?) Now this has product placement/ endorsement deals written all over it!

Anonymous said...

I forgot to ask.

If one were buying a pair of Cinelli Neo Morphe's for one's tandem, would one get a discount?

Anonymous said...

Ive had that bar on my bike for two years. It's just a 3T Bio Morph bar. I have smaller hands and it is great. One drawback, because of all the bends, it takes two packages of tape to wrap it correctly. jsl.

Anonymous said...

i'm still pissed about those rip-off bloggers in Oprahtown and Delltown....

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob, check this out, it made me want to puke:

"This Genesis Flyer has gone to its Dad's dressing-up box and put on its favourite Black dinner jacket, with sleeves a little too long. This jacket sits atop a white Velocity deep collar shirt, immaculately pressed, with Spokey-Dokey cufflinks. Wrapped around its waist is a polka dot cumber bund that looks dashing when matched with its carbon straight leg trouser-forks.
Accessories include a skinny bow-tie to make the neck seem thin and a gold finger trigger kept exclusively in its top pocket.
Available for after bike polo speeches on request.
Thanks
Roy
http://fixedgeargallery.com/2007/nov/1/RoyBarker.htm

OMG!!!

Lee said...

Great review as always, I wonder where we'll see the first saran-wrapped bars; Craig's list, FGG, or Velospace??? It's only a matter of time!

Anonymous said...

Hey! I have two test-cyles too!

Andrew J. Bernstein said...

So wait, now bike companies are giving you free stuff to make fun of?

Anonymous said...

Ludicrous speed !

Anonymous said...

pheew. for a second, i thought you were actually, earnestly giving the bars a good review. Then i realized you were joking. Thank god.

Unknown said...

Can you pair the cinelli morphe with the carbon eline bottle-cages? I worry about pushing the carbon time-space continuum with sexually-exreated bodily fluids.

Anonymous said...

"Roy said...
Bike Snob, check this out, it made me want to puke:..."

Roy, he's not going to say anything about your bike. Give it up.

Anonymous said...

I suck.

Anonymous said...

Reckons that Mr BSNYC that you have licked your Cannondale just one too many slurps. You will need to chill by genteel stroking of the carbon Trek and make small indesrcibable chants to another invisible deity

Anonymous said...

After reading your review, I MUST HAVE THOSE HANDLEBARS! I now realize that they were the missing piece of the puzzle to make me fast, earn the respect of my peers, compensate for my sexual inadequacies, and bring hope to my otherwise bleak existence. Thank you, BSNY.

erik k said...

it seems bikesnob NW gave up, his page is down

Anonymous said...

Even without any sprinkling of Latin, this post reminds of Alfred Jarry's Supermale, specifically the chapter on the bicycle race against the locomotive. Was the "mysterious racer" who finishes far ahead testing a prototype of the Neo Morphe bars? Are pop-culture references the new Latin? Do I work for Exact Change books?

matt said...

I needed a laugh like that, well done

Anonymous said...

Erik K - "it seems bikesnob NW gave up, his page is down"

actually "he" was/is a she, works in my office bulding at amazon... she did give up... much to our dismay... who will we sham now! BSChi gave up a month ago... now its just boring ol BSNYC... did someone say flash in the pan?

Anonymous said...

Wa di ta!

Deltaentropy said...

I'm embarassed to say I have those FSA wing bars. They sure got put to same by cinelli.

erik k said...

as much as we critiqued her authenticity and actual value as a blog there is something disheartening about seeing someone take there internet hopes and dreams utterly destroy them by way of deleting. It seems we have learned that the bikesnob phenomenon is not a franchise-able and its funny because all of this silly mess and drama could have been avoided, if bikesnob were known simply as "The bikesnob". There seems to be something about the addition of the NYC that makes people think, hey we a have Craig's list and fixed gear ridders in our city too! all I need to do is change the suffix and presto change o new blog! But it seems that this is simply not the case. Bike snob NW your intentions may have been pure, but simply misguided. I hope your reading this you seem to have a genuine enthusiasm for cycling, no handed and air drumming down a steep hill, but if you want us to pay attention show us who you realy are give us something original maybe will like it after all, but most of all don't take us all to seriously, there's little to no fun in being serious.

Anonymous said...

I saw you riding the mighty Cinelli as you faded to black, but my mighty cunning is too great. As I point my mighty finger of death to you, I spoke of my approval of you deed and it shall not go unnoticed. Then, precisely as that moment...

I. Burst. Into. Dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3TK0MEtM-E

KanyonKris said...

Even with Bike Snob's thorough skewering of those bars, I still want a pair. It was like when I watched "Super Size Me" and afterwards had a terrible craving for a Big Mac. I'm warped, I know.

Anonymous said...

* applesause *

Anonymous said...

um.. except these bikes are just 3t biomorphes and have been around for like 3 years. hello?

Unknown said...

heeee! nice shout to cadence cycles. i applied for a job there, but i guess they were underwhelmed. but, i came away with their dirty little secret: no matter how snobbish and overpriced the sales floor is, there's still public enemy playing softly in the mechanic's area.

i love gimmick components like those bars. customers come in and beg us to take their money for 'em regardless of how sweet they are or aren't - no work on my part necessary.

Matt said...

BSNYC, hilarious! You owe me for the cocaine I just sprayed all over my keyboard. That, and it's good to see there are some Joss Whedon fans at Cinelli.

Anonymous said...

two test-cycles. OMG i just got that joke about 24 hrs later.

BIKE SNOB NW said...

Erik k - You hit the nail on the head with that one, yeah, jumped on the bandwagon, which is why i took it down, i love love love bikesnobnyc, i just thought the people out here would like one of there own, sometihng familier instead of far away NYC, dont you worry, i will be posting more, just have not figured out in what vain i will post, maybe i should take pictures of all the cyclists here at amazon, microsoft and all the other "tech" companys, i am sure we could all get a good chuckle over "real people, riding real bikes" what do ya think? short bios like baseball cards? heck we can trade and collect them! maybe give them special powers to fight each other, see who would win?

Jon is a Typhoon! said...

Here here BSNW, i work at the grand microsoft... there is wuite a bit o material here... i actually saw a guy riding a tall bike (a double to be exact) into the office last week... i have seen him before... he was wearing a suit and riding a tall bike... classic!

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous 11:26--


Don't feel too badly. The joke went over my head until I read YOUR message.

Anonymous said...

You know, it's time to come out with the BSNY jersey, water bottle, and other chum. It's time.

erik k said...

bikesnob NW, well its sound original enough, but I think i would also like to see some interoffice organized bike jousting matches

BIKE SNOB NW said...

that is PERFECT!!! we should get the Zune team and the Ipod team to have a tourney!!! that would be classic...

of course the Ipod team would show up to the party two years before its actually thought of, and the zune team would then in turn ignore the event all together untill 7 years after the party started... BUT just think... in NIE years we could have pretty sweet event!!!!

Anonymous said...

As self appointed captain of the zune team we will wear shit brown matching t-shirts and joust w/ a microsoft bundled (yet functional as they are loaded w/ uneeded features such as the broom itself) broom handle. team-mates of course cannot share broomsticks.

Anonymous said...

yep this is a sure sign of the apocalypse. Chinelli bars (are they made in china now too like bianghi?)
Flop no chopp, crack n' wacked, taped or CD, playing cards in da spokes... When I got past ludacris speed, this is what i saw... Dance on, although JB is dead.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6nFNqi0mDx8

Anonymous said...

Suddenly I felt like I was in a vortex and I started passing riders that weren't even there: recumbents; Bonneville salt flat land speed record-breakers; guys on tri-bikes wearing Lt. Dangle short-shorts. Then, impossibly, I started going even faster.

I was laughing at this to the point I couldn't even breathe.

Pat said...

Recycle-a-Bike may sometimes look like a trash dump, but I, for one, would like to say that ever since Christopher and I took over at the East Village RAB shop, it has cleaned up A LOT!! Rich - the asshole that you just couldn't hate - has moved on, and things are run a bit differently now. I like to think better.

Anonymous said...

I have just noticed a shortage of Saran Wrap at the local IGA here in East Vancouver.....now im gonna have to install track grips with WD40 and risk melting the carbon!

Anonymous said...

I've used the bars for racing the past year. But, it was made by 3ttt. Its called the bio-morphe. They must of sold it to cinelli.
http://www.cyclingnews.com/photos.php?id=/photos/2007/jul07/toona07/toona076/MZ-07toona6_19

Anonymous said...

Yes these are fantastic bars, but cinelli didn't invent them, 3T did. Back then, they were called "bio-morphe"...

wle said...

but where do the bar-ends go??

wle.

Anonymous said...

lanterne rouge

Unknown said...

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wle said...

nice reply to a 6 year old post..
oh wait i just did it too!
blorg
wle