It's All in the Details: Screw Your Bike!

Among the many reasons to visit the great drunkcyclist.com is to remind yourself how short life as a cyclist can be. Certainly my own commute is often like queueing up for a taco of annoyance at the clusterfuqeria, but I try to keep that in perspective and enjoy the ride as much as possible lest it be my last. And while there are many obstacles to being happy on the bike—among them wayward garbage trucks, clueless pedestrians, and even other cyclists—there are certain things we can control.

One of the biggest impediments to cycling happiness is being overly fixated on your bike. As any Buddhist or the kid from “A Christmas Story” who gets his tongue stuck to the pole will tell you, attachment to material things only causes pain. Certainly your bike is a key component to cycling, but it’s only a tool. The ride is what’s important, and we all know that obsessing about what’s between your legs is only a way of compensating for feelings of inadequacy. If you're too hung up on what you're riding, here are a few ways to free yourself from this crippling attachment:

Downgrade Your Bike

Nothing will make you more miserable than getting stuck in an endless cycle of “upgrading” your components. No matter what you’re using, some German weight-weenies will come out with something else that’s half the weight and twice the price. Furthermore, most people are riding too much bike anyway. If you’re riding Dura Ace, chances are you’d be perfectly fine with Ultegra. If you’re riding XT, you probably really only need LX. Like the new rider who thinks he has to push a 53x12 all the time, most of us are simply overgeared. So sell your carbon bars and replace them with aluminum ones. Ebay the Ksyriums and try some conventional wheels. By freeing yourself from the cycle you’ll worry a lot less and you’ll realize what you thought was an upgrade was actually the equivalent of diamond-encrusted gold fronts.

Let Your Bike Get Scratched Up

Certainly it would be ridiculous and wasteful to purposely damage your bike. However, letting it get scratched up a bit can be liberating. Nothing will limit your enjoyment of your bike more than fretting about its appearance and trying to preserve the fleeting thrill of purchase and acquisition for all eternity. Don't be like Cameron Frye's father in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off." This is the impulse that drives people to swaddle their bicycles in top tube pads and bandanas and treat them like lap dogs and bubble boys. Bicycle maintenance should only be about two things—keeping the bike working, and not letting it get stolen. The rest is a waste of riding time.

Remember That Your Bike Has No Soul

You’ve probably heard people say that certain bikes have soul. None of them do. That lugged steel Colnago, that Cinelli track bike, and even that Fat Chance mountain bike are all as devoid of soul as an Avril Lavigne record. I don’t care if Ugo DeRosa himself built your frame while drinking Chianti from a wicker-wrapped bottle, listening to Pagliacci on a warbly phonograph, and discussing the finer points of olive oil with Marcello Mastriani. Bikes don’t have souls—they have decals.

Don’t Clean Your Bike For A Month

Sure, keeping your bike clean is important and makes parts last longer, but when you’re threading a rag between your cogs after every ride you probably need to loosen up. Floss after eating, not after riding. If you’re a compulsive cleaner, lay off the Simple Green for a few weeks and give the dirt a little time to attach itself before you rinse it off. I want to run my finger under that top tube and feel sweat crust.

Work On Your Bike Yourself

Sure, some people just don’t have the time or the mechanical aptitude to work on their own bikes, and there’s nothing wrong with going to a shop when you get in over your head. But a lot of people don’t work on their bikes simply because they’re afraid of messing them up. If this is you, next time you need to repair or replace something get in there and do it yourself. Go ahead, strip a few bolts, scratch a few components, and mess up a few adjustments--it’s not the end of the world. Not doing your own work because you’re afraid of your bike is like taking the cheater line instead of trying to hop the log. Plus, leaving all the work to a shop means they set things up the way they think they should be set up, not necessarily the way that’s best for you. You should learn your own preferences, not have them dictated to you. After all, you choose your own underwear in the morning, right?

Sacrifice A Bike

Constantly selling and upgrading your bikes isn’t healthy, but neither is developing an overly-strong attachment to them. If you’ve got a bike you’re inordinately fond of but barely ride, sell it. And I’m not talking about that fake attention-seeking selling where you write an ad that’s really an essay about how wonderful your bike is and how reluctant you are to part with it and then ask a price you know you’ll never get. No, just list the components, price it to move, and get rid of it. Attachments are like friends in a bar fight—they’ll only hold you back.