Fixedgeargallery...of awed bewilderment

Just when I think I'm getting a handle on some of the quirkier aspects of the fixed-gear trend, something pops up that completely voids any conclusions I've drawn. For example, I once thought the reason people rode brakeless on the street was because riding a fixed-gear was all about simplicity and minimalism. But then they started dressing their bikes up with top-tube pads, which seemed like wearing a cashmere sweater with no shoes, or wearing $300 jeans with no underwear. So much for simplicity.


A lazier, less thoughtful individual than myself might simply abandon the quest for meaning and decide that people who post their bikes to Fixedgeargallery follow no logic and know nothing. I refuse to do this, though. Admitting that the fixed-gear world is completely illogical is to admit that the universe itself is without meaning. And despite the overwhelming evidence, I refuse to concede that life is pointless, and that every endeavor is for naught. I will instead poke an infinitely long skewer through all that exists, and create a giant, juicy, delicious shish kebab of significance and meaning.


In the meantime, though, I'm still confused. Let me see if I understand some things:



So, flop-and-chops should not be taped.

However, if you must tape them, then do so in the now-popular "dog's erection" style. (If you're unsure of how to do this, keep a horny dog nearby for a reference.)

Mountain bike risers, though, should be fully taped. (Note the front Rev-X, a sad symbol of the Aerospoke Crisis of '07.)





And somehow it follows that road drops should be completely bare. Also, your front wheel should stand completely apart from the rest of your bike. (In this example, it resembles the throat pouch of a frog. Note the owner has photographed the bike beside a pond in order to highlight this.)








More bare road bars. Okay, so I'm on to something. Maybe I'm getting over-confident now, but I'm also going to postulate that the crappier your bike is the more crap you should put on it. (This particular example embodies the itinerant look, kind of like Mugatu's Derelicte. The park bench placement is particularly apt. "No sleeping here, pal. Move it along.")

Lastly, your bars should always be at the same angle as your stem--regardless of what that angle may be. And just as this bike appears to be deep in prayer, imploring some entity above to show it some benevolence and mercy, I too pray that this Babel of bikes will some day resolve itself into something that makes some kind of sense.