Helmet to Helmet: Cycling's Greatest Rivalries

Cycling is full of epic battles. Anquetil vs. Poulidor, Merckx vs. Ocana, Landis vs. Credibility--each one of these classic clashes has captured our collective imagination. But cycling rivalries go beyond the sporting arena. They exist in the very DNA of cycling itself. Here are five of the most bitter rivalries, none of which we can expect to be settled anytime soon:

LBS vs. MO

Defenders of the local bicycle shop say that online shopping can in no way rival the experience of entering a bike shop, being ignored by a staff of professionals, and paying a premium to cover their salaries. Advocates of mail-order say that buying online frees them from the constraints of being able to handle products and actually knowing what they're getting before it arrives six days later in a mangled box missing half its hardware. But regardless of whether you prefer good advice, bad advice, or no advice, brick-and-mortar and click-and-order will doubtless maintain their adversarial relationship for as long as there is crap to peddle.

Bib Shorts vs. Baggy Knickers

Are baggy knickers the bib shorts of the new millennium? Perhaps. Anecdotal evidence indicates new cyclists are abandoning the tried-and-true bib short and streaming towards the synthetic capri in droves. And they're not just for fixed-gears either. At all times of year, including the hottest summer days, you can see riders on every type of bike showing off an ankle and a few inches of hairy calf as they zip about town emitting a whooshing sound as their nylon-clad thighs brush against their saddles. For the time being, it would appear that the pendulum of cycling fashion has swung back to the age of full-body Victorian swimming costumes. But fear not, leg-shaving devotees of lycra. As long as the pros continue to race in skin-tight kits, millions of cyclists will continue to emulate them.

Jobst Brandt vs. Lennard Zinn

The polls may have closed, but the battle rages on. Cycling's anti-homunculi will no doubt fight on until the apocalypse is upon us. In fact, they may very well bring the apocalypse on themselves. While Brandt faces a dwindling supply of his favorite rim, the Mavic MA2, Zinn must confront the increasingly finicky torque specs and complex installation instructions for the carbon fiber components his minions badger him about in his Velonews Q&A column. Can Zinn stop Brandt from obtaining the MA2 rim extrusion mold, hidden deep within an active volcano? Will Brandt's uwavering loyalty to downtube shifting and helmetless riding be his undoing? Have both of them really solved the problem of bike shimmy once and for all? Only time will tell.

Monstrositor Vs. Gigantitron

Once the apocalypse does come, only two bikes will survive, and they will do battle on the scorched earth of our planet. Monstrositor's 700c rear track wheel allows it to cover vast distances quickly, while its 26" mountain bike front wheel and suspension fork enable it to traverse the vast fields of twisted metal and burnt bodies which will comprise the post-apocalyptic landscape. But most dangerous of all are its pehensile handlebars, which can also gore an opponent. Of course, Gigantitron will have a few tricks up its headtube as well. Like the segmented invertebrate it most resembles, this giant ant of a bike can lift many times its own weight, and its exoskeleton protects it from predators. It may not have Monstrositor's speed, but it does have dual suspension, and that could count for a lot in a future that may or may not have pavement. One thing is for certain, though--Gigantitron will have the last two Aerospokes on Earth, which will make it nothing less than a God.

(Thanks to the readers who forwarded those links, by the way.)

Fashion Vs. Common Sense

This is probably the greatest cycling rivalry of all. In Common Sense's corner are things like fenders, non-proprietary components, and handlebar tape. In Fashion's corner, just to name a few things off the top of my head, are things like:

--Having a computer on your fixed-gear but no brake (saw that the other day);

--Having two tandem stoker brake levers on your handlebars but no brake (saw that the other day);

--Using Zero Gravity brakes but not taking the light brackets off your bike (saw that in a race the other day);

--Wearing a skateboard helmet but not having a brake (see that one all the time);

--Using a top-tube protector with straight bars.

Sadly, I think Fashion's gaining an insurmountable lead.