Monday, August 27, 2007

Cycling Couture: 2008 Primal Wear Sneak Preview

There's no surer way to start an argument among the different sects of cyclists than by discussing correct attire. From the baggy-short and Camelbak-wearing freeriders to the garish, form-fitting lycra-clad roadies, everybody thinks what they wear is right and what everybody else wears is ridiculous. But whether you reconnoiter the rail-trails on a Rivendell Rambouillet, or you terrorize the town on a trendy track bike, you've got to agree that cycling fashion doesn't get hotter than Primal Wear. Here's a look at some of the new fashions they've got coming in 2008:
For awhile now the Primal“Tattoo Arm Warmer” has allowed cyclists to experience the excitement of having tattoos with the convenience of being able to shuck them before you get to the office. But what about riders who already have full tattoo sleeves? Shouldn’t they be able to change lifestyles like underwear too? Well, now they can, because Primal is introducing the “Bare Arm Arm Warmer.” This functional yet stylish accessory will allow the inked to enjoy the look of clean, naked skin. It will be available in a variety of skin tones, each of which will come in three versions: hairless, hairy, and Alec Baldwin.

(The “hairy” version in Caucasian.)

Primal has long offered rock n’ roll jerseys featuring bands such as Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, and the Rolling Stones. This year Primal have got the younger rider in mind and they’ll be updating their offerings into the 80s and 90s with fresh, hip new acts like:

Self-Righteous Aussie Flash-in-the-Pan Midnight Oil:

Proto-grunge snooze-rockers Soul Asylum:

And shrill-voiced Death Metal pioneer King Diamond:

And when it comes to pop culture, Primal doesn’t stop with music. They also pay homage to popular films like “Animal House” and “Scarface.” And for 2008 lucrative new licensing deals will allow them to offer even more movie and TV-themed jerseys. Some of the more exciting ones will include:

CNN Medical Expert Dr. Sanjay Gupta

An entire series of jerseys based on the characters of Don Cheadle:

And “Inside the Actors Studio” host James Lipton:

But with Primal, it’s not just about licensing. It’s also about tongue-in-cheek cycling-specific humor, like the “Part Breaker” and “Crankin’ Stein” jerseys. The punning will continue into ’08 with designs like:

“Put the Hammer Down!”

“Changin’ Geres” (featuring young sex symbol Richard Gere on the front, and aging Buddhist Richard Gere on the back)

and of course “Get On That Wheel!” featuring the tear-jerking pottery-wheel scene from “Ghost”

And speaking of hunks, Primal’s not forgetting the women in ’08 either. They’ve known for years you love butterflies and menstrual-cycle references. For ’08, they’re also adding:

“Flowers ‘N Babies”


and “Traditional Indian Wedding Costume”

So remember—for 2008, get Primal!


Anonymous said...

What if I only have tats on one arm, can I get a single arm warmer in hairy? Also, I would like to pre-order the King Diamond jersey. I need 3 of them, one in my current size, one smaller in case I loose weight, and one larger in case I gain weight. That way, no matter what I can keep wearing it. On second thought, maybe I should get 6 just in case I wear one out...

Anonymous said...

Dude I would totally wear a traditional Indian cycling jersey. Um, maybe with less hanging bits to suck me into the drive train, though.

Anonymous said...

out soon from Primal..the skinhead-wig pollypro skull cap and the Cameo inspired faux red leather cod-piece bib shorts! P.W. jerseys are like ww1 submarine camo; the patterns are so hedious you don't notice how fat the rider is or what direction their moving.
geezz..regular rodie kit is ugly enough already...

GhostRider said...

I would absolutely KILL for a King Diamond jersey!!

I should send Primal a letter and ask them to also make W.A.S.P/Blackie Lawless cycling shorts...complete with sawblade codpiece.

>>>>> said...

dudes I was out fixedie riding with eric clapton this weekend and we totally made fun of all the poseurs

then we went to sir paul's house and smoked all his cheeb stash

it was so awes

bikesgonewild said...

...awesome !! Primal Wear just sent me a prototype FLAVOR FLAV downhill helmet w/ gold teeth/mouth protector...
...horns of plenty...yea !!

Anonymous said...

i might have to come out of lycra retirement if primal ever had the good sense to actually make a king diamond jersey.

Anonymous said...

okay. not your best, but i'll keep checking. keep it up.

Jim said...

Some basic rules on jerseys for roadies:

1) If you have no money, wear whatever you want. It's cool. An icky jersey is better than a white T-shirt with yellow sweat stains in the pits, trust me on that. Heck, the nasty T-shirt beats riding shirtless, wearing Chucks, a banana hammock, a whitefro, and 70's style mirrored shades. (Slight digression, but on the off chance *that guy* is reading this, it's a total fashion crime, bro, cut it out).

2) If you have money and could do better, but go with icky jerseys consciously, knowing they are icky, you will be subject to massive abuse unless legally excused. Lawful excuses include, "I don't care what you think" (a stylish answer that obviates the hideousness of the jersey); "I know, but I'm wearing it ironically - my bowling shirt and gas station attendant jerseys are in the wash, and wearing my Assos jersey would bum me out" (bonus points for intentional Emo irony); and, "While I may be racing with the [Discovery, CSC, YOUR LOCAL VELO CLUB HERE] espoirs, I don't think I've done enough to earn the jersey yet" (great answer for teammates, you can bank the humility and turn it into a proportional dose of arrogance the moment you strap on the [Discovery, CSC, YOUR LOCAL VELO CLUB HERE] jersey... just don't expect the LBS ride guys who actually know you to b'lieve, hon).

3) If you have money, could buy better jerseys, but go with expensive, icky jerseys anyhow without realizing they are incredibly icky, May God Have Mercy on Your Eternal Soul, because none of us will. Move your fat @55 to Hollywood and start making blockbuster movies. Trust me, you have a real future in marketing bad taste. If that doesn't work, I hear that Budweiser, Applebees and Taco Bell are hiring ad people.

4) Finally, never, ever mock the taste of people on the Indian subcontinent. Ever seen rococco architecture? Yeah... it's so utterly-over-the-top that it's actually quite good, with no caveats. If you see a jersey that is incredibly over the top, to the point where you don't know whether it's bad or good, then it's probably so good you just don't realize it. Like if Primal comes out with a jersey with David Hasselhof's protrait on the front, and a view of his hairy back in a bikini swimsuit on the back of the jersey - it's probably too great for us to ever comprehend (especially if it comes with matching shorts - Iiiii'llll be there....) I find Indian culture - the several flavors of it I'm familiar with, anyway - to be that way sometimes. Um, so over the top it's really good, that is; I wouldn't want to compare an entire ethnic group to David Hasselhof's @55, even though they are probably similar-sized these days. Yep, Indian culture has a definite cool factor to it that even NJS cranks can't touch. Ever seen that Jan Pehechaan Ho video? I rest my case.

Aaron said...

I would rock a "pottery scene from 'Ghost'" jersey so fast...

quaffimodo said...

aww man......I hope Nashbar will take this shit back now that you've made me feel like a complete tool.

Ronald said...

Midnight Oil were only a "flash in the pan" inthe US market-here in Australia we were bombarded with their self righteousness for well over 20 years-they only stopped'cos Peter Garret,the no haired one,took his indignation to a higher(lower?)stage-federal politics and promptly sold out!

Scott said...


I'm glad I'm not the only one who would plaster Swayze on my body in a heartbeat.

But where's the Dirty Dancing jersey?

The Great White Hype said...

Jim 3:39pm...

Minor technicality, Baywatch lyrics are:
Iiiiiiiiiii'll be reeeeeeeady

I want them to make a "Corey Haim in The 'Burbs" jersey, following on from yesterday's subtle reference. Either that or "Mouth from The Goonies". I'd wear those.

Cap'n said...

How's about a Stewart Smalley Jersey for the always dropped on the group ride but Ok withhimself kind of guy.
I am strong enough, fast enough and dawgone it people like me.

Anonymous said...

Just discovered your blog- "I laughed, I cried, I wet my pants!"

Bluto said...

If Primal made a "white T-shirt with yellow sweat stains in the pits and pizza stains down the front" jersey..I'd buy it!

Jim said...

Great White Hype - thanks. Frankly I've always been mesmerized by the bouncing orbs in that part of the show, so the lyrics were a little hazy to me. I like the Cory Haim thing... you a Sportsguy fan by any chance?

Anon 8:51, I recommend looking at your tax return, Prozac and Depends, respectively. That'll fix everything.

mander said...

Please, please Primal Wear, make the Swayze "Get On That Wheel" jersey.

I was stoked to find out you can get a Kraftwerk "Tour De France" jersey, and then disappointed to hear that they're crappy and expensive.

Anonymous said...

maybe it's just me, but i'm bummed that they only make the beer jerseys for men. think how hard i'd be on my fixie with a PBR jersey, (or better yet a black lable supreme, that shit is 8%!!) tight rolled jeans, and chucks?
but low and behold- i'm stuck with the fucking butterflies and menstrual prints!
(just incase you don't get the subtle hint of sarcasm i'm dropping- read below!)

as for the corey references- i'd rock one if they made the 'two corey's' jersey... or one of mr. feldman's band (yeah he has one and they are just about as bad as the whole primal line it's self!)
there was a hilarious night here in vancouver where they played for the tv show they are filming. i went and don't remember anything... however being reminded of how wasted i was on national tv was sort of... amusing?
as for the jan pehechann ho video watch ghost world- us kids and marketing jerks were all over that years ago. i also have a life sized cut out of the hoff, circa baywatch, here in my apartment.

The Great White Hype said...

I may of course have my Corey's mixed up...Feldman, Haim, meh...either would do on a jersey.

bikesgonewild said...

...feldman, haim ?... don't matter which, neither could sprint worth a damn, in their prime...

...primal wear's new 'luciano pavarotti' jersey is nice, but only comes in size 5XL...

dennis said...

"a Stewart Smalley Jersey for the always dropped on the group ride but Ok withhimself kind of guy.'
Too funny, you guys are way over the top!

Shane said...

How about a "I climb like Richard Gere's Hamster" jersey?

kristen said...

i don't understand the whole bandana style and think it's pretty stupid. then i saw this...the "outlaw hoodie". thought you might like it.

BikeSnobNYC said...


Thanks--yeah, I've seen that before. That's embarassing. Reload are becoming the Primal of the fixed-gear world.


Anonymous said...

i want arm warmers with road rash printed on the elbows!!

Anonymous said...

Websters just called and they changed "cheesy" to "primal wear"

fixedgear said...

Major fan mail for the blog. All of my favorite subjects in one place, skewered much better than I could ever hope to.

Primal Wear? Check. Made a guy cry on my club's mailing list because I made fun of the scary clowns jersey.

Stubby bars? Don't get me started.

Landshark? His name is Slawta or Slaughter or something, right? Hideous.

C. Money said...

I resent the King Diamond comment, he is in no way a "death" metal pioneer.

Nonetheless I would so buy a King Diamond jersey, even if it was by Primal.

Anonymous said...

I'm holding out for my Jiminy Glick 5XXL

Ryan said...

I live in Plano, Lance's REAL hometown (although he is loathe to admit it with good reason) and King Diamond lives up the street from me. In a house. In a subdivision, with grass. So disappointing. No bats, no castle, no crazy grandma.

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