So everybody probably knows by now Mavic is introducing a new wheel. I'm not going to get into the technical details, but it literally uses carbon-fiber drinking straws for spokes, and it's based on the same engineering principle as the wagon wheel. (I wish I were joking.)
Now I know that as soon as these stupid things come out I am going to be surrounded by them at local races, and I dread it in the same way and for the same reasons I dread going to Williamsburg. I hate most pre-built wheelsets, because (without getting into techinical details) they suck. So, in honor of the Jobst Brandtian tradition, and to coincide with the release of Mavic's new wagon wheel, I bring you The Retarded Wheelset Hall of Fame*
(*I know I'm missing a lot, but these are some of the worst offenders)
The Stupid FSA Wheels with the Triple Hub Flange
These sport a giant third flange in the middle of the hub. Because I think we all agree we needed another flange.
Specialized Roval Amoeba Freakout
Specialzied bought the old Roval name so they could produce this sci-fi nightmare. Like FSA, Specialized went to town on the flanges. Marketing tagline: "It's flange-tastic!"
Spinergy "You Can't Suck My Wheel Because My Wheel Sucks Too Hard Already" Spox
In keeping with the sci-fi theme we have the Spox. Actually, was this pronounced "Spocks" or "Spokes?" Don't know. All I know it was ugly, it was about as aero as a catamaran sail, and you don't see too many in service anymore.
Topolino Rolling Abortion
The concept here was one continuous spoke made out of some kind of flexible fiber that went all the way through the hub or something. Whatever--it looks like they have those plastic spoke decorations they put on kid's bikes. The name also evokes pure speed. Actually, it evokes Topol, the smoker's tooth polish.