Naked Intent: What Lies Beneath

Of all the words in the English language, there are seven that you do not want to hear used together under any circumstances. No, I'm not referring to the words, "That wasn't chamois cream, that was mayonnaise." I'm referring to the phrase "Anne Hathaway Involved in Accident with Cyclist." Unfortunately, as I went about my morning routine of slathering the crotch of my bib shorts with Hellmann's and checking my email, those were just the words I read:

Fortunately, it appears as though nobody was seriously injured. Here's the cyclist appreciating his "tarck" bike, and here's Anne Hathaway like reflecting on how totally crazy that was:

Here's a closer look at the aftermath:

TMZ says that the cyclist was at fault, but accidents like this are seldom clear cut, and until the "nonplussed onlooker" weighs in we cannot know for sure. What is clear is that the cyclist has a penchant for purple and an aversion to foot retention. He was also "palping" a brake. While the impact was not sufficient to shatter either one of his Aerospokes, his u-lock was nonetheless ejected from the rear pocket of his girl pants and thrown clear. Hathaway, it should be noted, was not driving, and should be commended for immediately trying to administer some sort of celebrity-powered faith healing to the cyclist's left knee. However, Hathaway should also be rebuked for not wearing a helmet!

Perhaps the most telling piece of evidence is the car's broken passenger side mirror, which you will note is hanging limply like the ear of a Bassett Hound. TMZ says "the cyclist rammed into the car as it was turning," and the damage indicates a classic car-going-right, bike-going-straight scenario. This is a very common type of accident, and it usually happens in two ways: 1) the driver is turning right, and the cyclist, who is going straight and is an idiot, attempts to pass; or 2) the cyclist is going straight, and the driver, who is going right and is an idiot, attempts to pass and then cuts the cyclist off.

At this point, we do not know for sure who the idiot was, but either way it's hard to expect drivers and cyclists in Los Angeles to interact comfortably. On the spectrum of bike friendliness, cities like Copenhagen and Portland lie on the "very friendly" end, while Los Angeles lies more on the "hostile" end, just next to the surface of the planet Mercury. Consequently, drivers don't know how to share the road with cyclists, and cyclists are so marginalized they're not sure how to behave. It's an unfortunate situation, but rest assured the city of Los Angeles is planning to do something about it by increasing the number of white people there:

Yes, once Los Angeles can reduce the pesky racial diversity that somehow prevents them from being bike friendly, they can finally start developing a bikeway. From the sound of things, this whitewashing of the population should take about 20 years, though Mowery does not specify if this will involve importing more white people or else simply asking all the non-white people to leave.

Meanwhile, here in Brooklyn, the "Hipster vs. Hasidim" conflict continues to escalate (by "escalate" I mean "get more stupider") and this Sunday, the "hipster" hissy fit will officially move into its naked phase:

Whereas some activists fashion themselves after people like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mohandas Gandhi, organizer Heather Loop works in the tradition of the segregationalists. Says she, "If you can't handle scantily clad women...live in a place where you can have our own sanctuary, like upstate." While this isn't quite the same as saying "Go back to where you came from," it's close, and with an attitude like that Loop will soon find herself being tapped by the city of Los Angeles to help implement the "final solution" to their cycling problem. Personally, I plan to forego the tempting opportunity to see Ms. Loop naked, but please do wake me for the cross burning.

Speaking of cycling and nudity, I recently visited Bonktown (I'm hoping to snag a Primal Wear Pink Floyd jersey at a deep discount) and noticed the following question:

Actually, I'm pretty sure that it is, since judging from these Kama Sutra temple carvings the ancient Indians clearly knew how to get aero:

Plus, they even practiced a variation of "Mongolian cyclocross:"

Obviously the "cyclocross remount" has been considerably refined over the centuries.

But passions aren't the only thing aflame at the moment in the world of cycling. In fact, commenter "Ant1" informs me that the Bianchi warehouse is in flames too:

I was relieved to read that nobody had been hurt, but was dismayed to learn that "some important inventory has been lost." If you've got a Bianchi road bike on order from your LBS you can expect a long wait, but in the meantime you will at least probably be able to pick up a cheap and "lightly-singed" Pista on Craigslist or eBay soon. Or, you could just buy this Lapierre road bike instead:

Racing bike - 2009 la pierre s-lite 300 - $1250 (Williamsburg)
Date: 2009-12-14, 3:24PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

I recently bought a 2009 La Pierre S-Lite 300 to get make my midtown commute faster, but it turned out to be too small for me (52cm, I'm 6ft tall). I bought it through a friend's bike shop, and it was the last of its model so I didn't get to try it out.

Full ultegra components, mavic race wheels, fully carbon frame and fork, brand new eggbeater c's, etc etc.

If you don't know about La Pierre - check it out here: http://www.lapierrebikes.us/lapierre/road-bike/2009/S-LITE-300-FDJ-TRIPLE

I literally rode this bike twice. Never crashed, never gotten wet. The only wear is a little blue on the white saddle from where my jeans rubbed against it.

Bike wholesales for 1600, so this is a steal.

Price firm, cash only, local pickup only.

Frame : CARBON T3 HR DESIGN FRANCAISE DES JEUX
Fork : EASTON EC70 CARBON / ALLOY
Headset : ALUMINIUM INTEGRATED 1.1 / 8
Bottom Bracket : SHIMANO EXTERNAL BEARINGS
Crankset : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL 30X39X52
Stem : RITCHEY PRO 31.8
Seatpost : RITCHEY PRO V2 27.2X300
Handlesbars : RITCHEY ROAD PRO 31.8
Front derailleur : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Rear derailleur : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Brakes : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Shifters : SHIMANO ULTEGRA SL
Saddle : SELLE ITALIA XO SPECIAL EDITION WHITE
Wheel : MAVIC AKSIUM RACE BLACK M10
Sprocket : 10S SHIMANO CS-5600 12X25
Tires : HUTCHINSON EQUINOXE TS FDJ 700X23
Weight : 8.2 KG

I was amazed to read that the seller actually bought this carbon fiber road bike specifically to "make my midtown commute faster." While I've certainly been raced by other commuters while commuting myself, I always assumed that they were simply overzealous Nü-Fred who had temporarily surrendered themselves to the new and novel excitement of riding a bicycle in traffic. It never occurred to me that this behavior was actually premeditated, or that they were equipping themselves to such an extravagant degree specifically for this purpose. Almost as amazing is the fact that a person six feet tall would honestly think he could ride a 52cm bicycle comfortably. I wish I had gotten to hear the conversation he had with his friend at the bike shop. I bet his friend told him the bike would be "flickable" in traffic.

But not all cyclists want to go fast, and if this describes you then you might prefer a "secret 3 speed" instead:

Looks like a Fixed Gear- But its a secret 3 Speed - Beautiful &Unique! - $475 (Upper West Side)
Date: 2009-12-15, 2:50PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

The bike is called a Swobo Otis. Swobo is a very cool Santa Cruz, CA based bike company specializing in Urban Bikes. The bike has barely been ridden and I have the original bill of sale from A Bicyle Shop on west 22nd street. Brand new its value is $800, so this is a steal! Im movong to LA and would love to pass it off before I go. The bike is gorgeous and very unique. Like i said in the title it appears to be a fixed gear but it is actually a hub based 3 speed, which is super convenient to have at your disposal. Its light and fast and super sleek. Its a beautiful Matte Black all aluminum frame complete with a front mounted disc brake(looks super bad!), and a signature swobo saddle with a bottle opener built in underneath - need I say more... There are too many options to list, so check out the link - http://www.swobo.com/catalog/product_info_b.php?cPath=201_207 Your going to love this bike! Call or text me if your interested 818-749-[deleted].

Interestingly, the seller is moving to Los Angeles. I suppose this means the Great White Cyclist Migration has already begun.

The Pinch Test: Indignities of Spring

When we last saw the Lone Wolf, observant readers noticed that the shadow cast by his bicycle had a blue tint to it. I was not sure why this was--until I received this photo from a reader:




I was incredibly grateful to finally have a closer look at the Lone Wolf's setup. Note the forward-angled tri post which serves to not only compensate for what must be an extremely relaxed geometry, but also provides the trunk for what is essentially a "water tree." He's also kept the chainguard on, taking advantage of both its protective and aero properties by integrating it with the translucent blue fairing. Dual wheel covers and a frontal fairing also see to it that this bike cheats the wind like Bernie Madoff. Time trial bikes are sometimes referred to as "slippery," and this baby is more slippery than a wet ham.

Even without his "A" bike, the Lone Wolf's visage exudes confidence, and as much respect I have for his arch-nemesis Bart Kaufman I'm afraid Kaufman may be less a wolf than a jackalope in comparison:



Not only is the jackalope simultaneously proud and absurd, but antlers on a rabbit is not dissimilar to a rack on a Madone.

Speaking of rotund, hibernating animals (everybody knows jackalopes hibernate), now that spring is here those cyclists who go "underground" during the winter months are beginning to re-emerge tentatively into the wild. While I personally welcome these shaky, bewildered riders back into the fold, at least one woman is less than impressed:





To all the male cyclist... - w4m
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-19, 7:40AM EDT

that stuck it out through a cold nyc winter and didn't hang their bike up for 5 months, your looking good out there. I enjoy watching you race by now that the weather is getting warm and the layers are coming off.

To all the grotesque men that i passed going up the bridge yesterday morning that ate like f'n pig's all winter, and ordered delivery every night, played guitar hero that were out riding yesterday trying to make it up the bridge with a doughnut and a heavy krypto chain on it's last link around their waist on a fixed gear. You're gut is not sexy. You're growing a second chin. You're a part timer. Cover up please, and get out of my way when i'm coming over the bridge.... thank you.

As if trendy urban cyclists didn't have enough to worry about when it comes to peer acceptance of their wardrobes, it turns out women are actually counting how many links they've got left when they wrap their Kryptonite chains around their waists. For this reason, I think Kryptonite should offer their popular New York chain locks in custom lengths so that those of excessive girth can still show a little chain slack. This would have a slimming effect and might in turn earn them a little bit of slack from judgmental ladies like this one.

In the meantime, though, clearly if you need to use the last link of your chain when you wrap it around your waist you should instead put it in your bag. Actually, unless you're a messenger and you're locking and unlocking your bike every few minutes you should probably just keep your chain in your bag anyway. I'm not sure why riders buy such large messenger bags yet continue to keep their locks on their bodies. Most bags I see that are not worn by actual messengers are empty and flat and are so huge they look more like capes than bags.

I suspect it's only a matter of time before the chain-around-the-waist look becomes so popular that people just start wearing them even if they're not riding. This look works especially well paired with some u-locks hanging from your ear tunnels.

But with spring comes bike theft, and I was dismayed to read that at least one woman has been relieved of her tire:





to the douchebag that stole my back bike tire at the Marcy JMZ... - 25 (williamsburg)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-18, 11:41PM EDT

To the person who stole (or perhaps, borrowed?) my back bike tire from the Marcy JMZ sometime between Tuesday and this evening...
We missed an amazing connection. I feel like my fist and your face would get along famously. I"m a pretty good looking girl. I mean, i have no noticeable scars, no missing limbs or disfigurements, and all of my teeth touch. Perhaps you would like to meet up some time for coffee, or maybe even a bike ride (i"m guessing it is safe to assume you like bikes?). Maybe even as soon as Friday? oh wait, thats no good for me, I really just see no way that a person of such low income could come up with the money to replace that tire on such short notice. It's a good thing that I don't need that bike to get to work or anything, cause then I'd really be fucked. Oh right, I DO. Seriously though, thanks for at least picking the beginning of spring to take that shitty burden of a back tire off my hands. It really was just another piece of dead-weight that i was sick of hauling around, and who really uses their bike in the summer anyway... I really can't wait to hear from you...I think we missed a very magical moment that we could have spent together, and I for one, would love another chance...

Truly,
ol' one wheel.

I realize a lot of people say "tire" when what they really mean is "wheel," but if you think about it just stealing tires is pretty smart. Stealing a wheel from a bicycle can arouse suspicion and needs to be done quickly, but stealing the tires just makes it look like you're fixing a flat so you can take your time. I'm sure passing cyclists would even slow down and ask you if you needed any help. (I always ask cyclists with flats if they need help, but I actually accelerate when I pass because I don't want to hear the answer. I shudder to think of how many tire thefts in progress I might otherwise have thwarted.) Actually, the only reason you don't hear more about tire theft is that most people don't have the necessary dedication; instead, once they've got the wheel off they figure they might as well graduate to wheel theft so they just take off.

Of course, the rarest of all thefts is inner tube theft. The inner tube thief stealthily removes the wheel, removes the tire, takes the inner tube, replaces the tube with packing peanuts, re-mounts the tire, re-installs the wheel, and slips off into the night like a wet ham. Victims don't even know they've been hit until they try to ride off; even then, many don't realize it and just think the crunching noise is coming from their bottom brackets. Meanwhile, the inner tube thief deflates and flattens the tube, puts a little talc on it, re-packages it, and sells it on the notorious inner tube black market. A dedicated inner tube thief can make dozens of dollars in as little as a month.

This is why I rub tubular tires on all my commuter bikes. They're pinch-flat resistant and just plain pinch-resistant.

Turning It Out: The Bicycle Mating Rituals of Spring

Now that the "fixed-gear culture" is closed, young aspirants are no longer permitted to make films, develop products, or otherwise participate in the marketing of the fixed-gear culture (apart from buying stuff from officially sanctioned fixed-gear culture arbiters, of course). However, while fixed gear culture can easily keep individuals outside the gates of their trendy compound, they are still powerless against big companies like Timberland, who can use the word "fixie" with impunity. (I'm not sure what "impunity" means, but I think it's a kind of sauce, similar to "awesome sauce."):



A reader recently alerted me to this shoe's existence, and though I've pored over the description (that's "pored" and not "poured," which is what you do with impunity and awesome sauce) and while it does have some bike-specific features I haven't been able to figure out what's "fixie" about it:


The list of features actually raises more questions than it answers. Is it SPD compatible? Can I also use it on a geared bike? What's a "bike plate"? Is it like a pie plate for shoes? I'd also like to see the "hidden flip-up reflectors in the heel," and I wonder if you can get a remote handlebar-mounted switch to activate them. In any case, I bet these shoes would go great with the Cordarounds Bike To Work pants:



Those also have hidden reflectors, and the ones in the rear pockets seem to work in the mating frog/presenting baboon style:



Why put a light on your bike when you can be the light? Not only will these keep you visible at night, but they'll also let fellow cyclists know you're ready for some serious coupling. Just turn out those pockets and next thing you know you'll be sitting naked on a bearskin rug exposing your "contact patch" like the guy in this photo, forwarded to me by another reader:



Either that, or you'll be defending your nipples from said rug like you're living the last moments of Timothy Treadwell:



Speaking of defending your nipples, now that spring is in the air it's more important than ever to protect them from predators. It may take two people to inflate a tire in Williamsburg, but it only takes one woman to inflate a hipster's lust:




I saw you in front of the bike shop - m4w
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-15, 11:38PM EDT


Beautiful Asian woman with amazing chest. You were filling your tires and someone was helping you.
Are you out there?
Bike shop in Williamsburg.

Sadly, this person did not flip out the pockets of his Cordarounds Bike To Work pants and strut back and forth in front of her like a peacock. If he had, she surely would have responded, and before he knew it they'd be rubbing "contact patches" on the nearest bearskin rug. Instead, he opted for Craigslist, where he must compete with suave characters like this:





chicago israeli girl on the 1 - m4w - 24 (Harlem / Morningside)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-14, 4:40AM EDT

hey! we talked on the two and then the one. I amsued you and your not-boyfriend who was British, and then I asked for your phone number and you said no. sweet. I just wanted you to know that everything I said was true, Medical this, Shakespeare that, etc. I'm not joking, I don't bull shit. So if you would like to talk in the future, after our trist with ze brit, reply. It'd be convenient, you'd meet the most interesting jew doctor to be this side of them Mississippi. I don't know about the left coast. Some of those people might win.

Guy on 1 train who mentioned old ladies and rectals. Sweet.
and if you, random reader just read this, and you want to send me a message and maybe you ride a bike too, awesome.


If you ever needed a reason to commute by bicycle instead of by subway, I think the possibility of being approached by an oversexed doctor is a compelling one. Then again, some people are attracted to Jewish doctors. And if you're the sort of person who gets hot over things with Jewish surnames, here's a rare opportunity for you to acquire two Kleins for the price of one:




2 KLEIN BIKES FOR THE PRICE OF 1 - - $2000
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-13, 12:03AM EDT


I'm sale two klein bike. one of the bike is a belong to a RACING TEAM IN ITALY called super ITALY PRO 260 the klein bike is a QUANTUM PRO. The second bike is also a klein but its a ADROIT with a design sit and it also brings a air pump. This bike are in very good condition. The bike were giving to me by the owner because he didn't have room for them, he had them were i work in a storage. The bike can also be sold separate. Shipping can be arrange but its extra.

THANK YOU FOR LOOKING



Ah, yes. Who doesn't remember the old Super Italia Pro 260 team? Not only were they one of the first teams named after a handlebar, but they all rode Kleins, and they were called the Pro 260 team because there were actually 260 of them--kind of like the Crazy 88 from "Kill Bill." Now of course there are plenty of teams named after handlebars, such as the "Rotundo Team" (so called because they're all quite rotund) and the "Pro Compact White" team (which consists entirely of short caucasians). There's even a "dildo bar" team, who wear Cordarounds Bike To Work pants with the pockets turned out and who use these (and not necessarily on their bikes).

Also, the mountain bike "brings a air pump." I think that was a song by the Wu-Tang Clan and the chorus was "bring 'da motherfucking air pump," though I may be confusing it with "Bring da Ruckus."

Yes, thanks to expressive pants, dildo bars, and bearskin rugs, you no longer need to leave your house to have a good time with your bike--especially if you're a fixed-gear freestyler. It seems like more and more of them are learning that, when it comes to doing tricks on your bike, there's really no reason to bother going outside:




Now that's what I call bringing da ruckus:


Fixed-gear freestyling, slathered in impunity and awesome sauce.

The Big Picture: Taking It All In

One benefit (or drawback, depending on how you look at it) to traveling by bicycle in New York City is that it gives you an opportunity to see the latest in cycling fashions. Naturally, these fashions vary from group to group: roadies are infatuated with white; commuters continue to opt for windbreakers, khaki pants, and reflective everything; and the fixters now seem to be dressing like old-timey newsboys:



The only explanation I could come up with for this mode of dress was that the rider was on his way to a "tweed ride," but none were scheduled in New York City on the day I took this photograph (at least as far as I know). While the London Tweed Run had already happened, perhaps he was in training for its itchy, moth-eaten cousin, the San Francisco Tweed Ride, which had yet to take place. Incidentally, organizers of "tweed rides" claim that they encourage more people to ride bikes by proving "that cycling is not just a sweaty sport, but a social and/or cultural activity" and advocating "elegance not exertion." This is ridiculous. If someone is too self-conscious to wear lycra they're certainly not going to be any more comfortable with looking like they're on the way home from a Grover Cleveland rally. Really, it's just substituting one freakish wardrobe for another. As a case in point, consider "tweed ride" participant Gary Fisher, who looks like he just tunneled his way out of some kind of psychedelic Gulag:

He's less an ambassador for cycling than he is an ambassador from the planet Psilocybin Freakout.

Speaking of crimes against humanity, a number of readers (including esteemed commenter Leroy) have informed me of a high-profile bike theft. (And no, I'm not talking about Lance Armstrong's time trial bike. That "theft" was clearly part of a viral marketing campaign by the Great Trek Bicycle Making Company. You can expect Peter Falk in full Colombo garb to deliver it to Armstrong on the start ramp at the Solvang TT. Also, it's interesting to note that news outlets are now basing entire articles on Twitter discussions, thus inching ever closer to total uselessness.) No, I'm talking about the University of South Florida professor who was caught on video stealing a bicycle for a "nearly homeless" friend:


In a heartfelt plea, the professor had this to say:

Earlier this week I gave a man who does odd jobs for me permission to use a bicycle that was parked at the center. I acted out of compassion for this nearly homeless man; but I failed to consider that the bicycle belonged to someone on our Alzheimer’s team. The bicycle was reported stolen. It has, however, since then been returned to its owner. USF police are investigating as is standard procedure. It was a terrible lapse in judgment on my part; I have no excuse. I can only say that my intention was never to bring harm, alarm, or disruption to anyone.

Frankly, it's easy to see why Professor Rao was compelled to steal the bicycle. Near-homelessness is a problem which has reached epidemic proportions in this country, and I'm sure he could no longer sit idly and watch yet another American fall victim to it. Incidentally, "nearly homeless" means that you have a home but you just don't like it very much. This is different from "fully homeless," which is what Chad Gerlach was. As such, it's completely understandable that Rao would decide that helping a "nearly homeless" person warranted leaving a graduate student "completely bikeless." Also, camera surveillance on Professor Rao and the "nearly homeless" man continued even after they left the loading dock, and what ensued was shocking to say the least:


Still, as sordid as this all looks, it's important not to rush to judgement until you've seen the big picture. Sometimes actions that seem wrong actually make sense when you consider them in the grand scheme of things. Conversely, sometimes things look all right from up close, but it's not until you back away from them and take in the wider view that you realize they're actually horribly wrong. Take this bike from the Seattle Craigslist, forwarded by a reader:


The crank looks decent enough (even if the purple chainring bolts are a bit over-the-top);



The Phil Wood rear hub and White Industries freewheel are also both highly-regarded components;



And while they might be a bit "upmarket" for a GT, how bad could the whole thing look?

This bad:


I'm ordinarily not that bothered that much by clashing colors, but there's something about the way anodized colors can clash that's especially offensive. It's the visual equivalent of chewing on tinfoil. Obviously though the seller doesn't feel the same way. In fact, he's so taken with the color scheme that he's left the bars bare so we can savor the cockpit in all its purple-and-blue glory:



This is complemented by the singleator, which looks like it's actually feeding the chain to the hub:



For me, it evokes a squirrel eating:



If you're considering this bike, please note that the seller is not including the cranks or the freewheel, as he is saving them for his new build. Personally, I won't be offering, since overall I find the bike too whimsical and I'm really in the market for something more "serious:"



New Build Giant Bowery Fixie - $2000 (NYC)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-16, 9:31PM EST

Total New Build Giant Bowery.. Easton C70 Fork,, Durace Track Crank and chain Thompson Seat post ,,Thompson Stem ,Velocity Rims ,,PHIL WOOD hubs New Specilised tires and Toupe specilised seat ,pro design handle bars with both front and rear brakes this is a awsome bike only for the serious size med

718 208 [deleted]

Serious indeed--it's a grave individual who can hand over $2,000 for a Giant Bowery and maintain a straight face. It's as serious as near-homelessness.

Velo Noir: The Bike Dick

Not too long ago, I encountered a sight more inspirational than a thousand Obama campaign posters. That sight, of course, was an Access-a-Ride van getting stopped by the police. Frankly, I couldn't imagine street justice being meted out more deservingly--that is, until a reader forwarded me this:


Yes, that is indeed an Access-a-Ride van getting rear-ended by an Access-a-Ride car, and I deeply regret that I was not there to see it. The only more satisfying collision I can imagine would be between a brakeless fixed-gear rider and that idiot who was walking in the bike lane with his breakfast last week. Of course, it does stand to reason that any two Access-a-Ride vehicles that come within a block of each-other would inevitably collide. After all, there's a 50% chance that a solo Access-a-Ride vehicle is going to crash into something at any given time anyway, so logically chances double to 100% when there are two of them.

And in these difficult times, the truth is that we need all the inspiration we can get. In case you haven't noticed, it's getting ugly out there. Way back in February, I reported that bike messengers in Seattle were becoming extinct. (Which of course led to the short-lived "Save the Messengers" campaign.) In particular, I recommended starting an "adopt-a-courier" program for unemployed messengers. Well, it seems the hard times have spread to New York, because at least one would-be messenger has put himself up for adoption:



BIKE MESSENGER/DELIVERY - $9 (Lower East Side)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-12-05, 11:58AM EST

I am a biker who is looking for a job where I can use my bike. I have amazing bike riding skills and can navagate through NY city easily.I know this city like the back of my hand and can deliver messages, packages or food. I know how to ride safely and quickly.I come with 2 of my own bikes and cell phone. I ask for an hourly pay of 9.00 and up. If you are looking for an experienced biker email me at
a.cooper24@yahoo.com

In the spirit of the holiday season, I hope someone out there can find it in his or her heart to employ someone with amazing bike riding skills. After all, amazing bike riding skills don't exactly grow on trees (even though amazingly ugly bikes do), and $9 is very little to pay for the convenience of having someone return that overdue library book for you, or go fetch that hat you left at your friend's house, or (if you have OCD) to have someone who can go back and forth to your house all day to make sure you didn't leave the oven on. Even if you don't need his services, a gift certificate for an hour of messenger service makes for a great stocking stuffer. He even comes with "2 of my own bikes and a cell phone," just like some kind of messenger action figure.

Yes, it's good to see cyclists joining the ranks of people who seek compensation simply for doing something fun and unnecessary, just like mediocre guitar players or men who try to sell their bodies to women. (And we all know how that turns out.) With any luck, our freelance messenger will never have to do anything he doesn't want to do, or worse yet, actually go to work for a messenger service. But at least if his courier-for-hire thing doesn't work out he can always become a bike detective:

Reward$$$$$ stolen Nagasawa!!!
Reply to: sale-944824384@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-04, 1:07PM EST

My bike was stolen on the 11th of last month in Brooklyn. Please help me find it. I'm offering a nice cash reward for it's return. It will be worth your time to return it. Help me out.

The number of people using exotic bicycles with expensive components to ride around the streets of New York City only continues to increase. Consequently, so does theft. Yet the only phrase less likely to spur a cop into action than "My bike was just stolen!" is "I sent my laundry out and when I picked it up one of my sweatsocks was missing!" (Hint: telling the cops your frame was NJS won't impart any more urgency to the proceedings, either.) As such, I think the time is ripe for a full-time private bike detective. Part Philip Marlowe and part Ace Ventura, he will comb the back alleys, Chinese take-out restaurants, and Craigslist chop shops of New York City in order to reunite fixters with their "whips." He will also chase down villains with his "amazing bike riding skills," and like Ace Ventura he will even talk out of his ass. (Talking out of your ass is essential when dealing with fixters and missing NJS frames.)

Stolen Track Bike -- Orange Samson -- Grand Street - $1 (Lower East Side)
Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-12-03, 10:25PM EST

Taken on Grand at Essex. REWARD.
Black Brooks saddle, Black Mavics/Dura Ace hubs.

Here's another stolen bicycle in need of detection. Sadly, this one also sounds like it was a pretty expensive keirin frame, which means that some sort of "NJS Bandit" is almost assuredly on the loose. Please note that if you have any information you need to be a formidable sleuth in order to reply, since the poster has left no contact information whatsoever.

STOLEN BIKE FOUND - $1 (NYC )
Reply to: sale-947817741@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-06, 5:30PM EST

so these shady chinese guys offered me to see "their" bike in the basement and.. uh
really not theirs they dont know shit about bikes..

so here its what it looks like..

if you think its yours it has a sticker and you must describe it

its a red pinnarello with campy record everything brakes derralieur , seatpost, brakes, shifters, hubs balblablabla

it has nitto blue anodized handlebar with brown brooks cork wrap,

does it sound familiar? Holla at me

But there is hope, and this post goes to show that sometimes bikes are found. The person who found this bike would clearly make an excellent bike detective too, not only because he's the kind of person who somehow finds himself in situations where shady people are inviting him into basements, but also because he then actually goes into those basements despite the obvious risks. (I on the other hand would make a terrible bike detective, since I won't even go into the basements of people I know and trust.) He shouldn't have too much trouble finding the owner either. Very few of those Balblablabla hubs were ever made. They're very ornate and highly recognizable too, thanks to their trademark fish-mouth grease ports, scaly hub shells, and fin-shaped skewers.

Vintage Italian Track Frame
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-08, 8:09AM EST

I bought the frame from Continuum Cylces in Manhattan. It was beat up but you could tell it was, at one point, a beautiful frame. The owner (who told me that the frame was his) suggested that it was a Giordana, and the markings seen on the second picture seem to suggest that it's at least an Italian vintage. I bought the frame and brought it to Chelsea Bikes where the top tube (which was cracked) was replaced and the entire frame was given a clear coat. I returned the frame to Continuum where it was built out with all new parts, including fork.

I love this bike. Truly an unique gem. A fast, elegant ride. All steel. It's just too big for me. I knew it when I bought it, I just hoped I'd get used it.

Please contact me for more pictures or questions. The bike is going for $2000, or best offer, though I've had offers near that amount.

It's stamped a size 56". The top tube measures 58".

As much as I hate to see people's bikes get stolen, I also can't help getting irritated when those bikes are disproportionately expensive. Sure, not everybody has a beater bike, but if you do only have one bike and you lock it up in a city like New York you might want to think about buying a second bike for $250 before you upgrade to that $300 hubset. That's one of the many reasons why, if you're in the market for an urban runabout, I'd avoid the $2,000 rehabilitated mystery bike above.

I must admit, though, that I found the ad compelling. First of all, I was intrigued by the bike's mysterious provenance: notice that the previous owner "suggested it was a Giordana." I'm not sure Giordanas are highly-coveted bicycles anyway, but nonetheless suggesting something without saying it outright is a highly effective sales tactic. I've even used it myself: "I'm not saying this bike isn't a Colnago. All I'm saying is that if you peel off those Pacific decals you never know what you'll find under there." Hey, it may be misleading, but it's not a lie. Secondly, I'm not sure why the owner thought he'd get used to a frame that's too big for him. Maybe the person who sold it to him also said, "I'm not saying this bike will fit you like a glove, but I will say if you buy it you very well might get used to it." And that's like falling for the old, "Don't worry, they'll stretch" line when you're buying shoes. Finally, it seems that the current owner is picking up some of the sneaky tactics of the person who sold him the bike, since he's selling it "for $2000, or best offer, though I've had offers near that amount." If he's had already had offers close to $2,000 and he's willing to sell it for $2,000 or best offer, then why does he still have the thing?

Perhaps the seller can engage the private bike detective to find out who made his bike. And here's yet another bike-related crime on the verge of being solved, which was posted in the "Missed Connections:"

To the kid who hit a car w/bike, got beaten up, iPhone smashed, etc - 27 (Bushwick)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-06, 2:13PM EST

There was a post written a few weeks ago by the guy you got smashed up by- he's a real dick and he ended his post by suggesting you meet him at an Agnostic Front show? Yeah, anyhow I have been corresponding with him in an effort to help and now have an email and myspace address for you, it should be easy to pull an IP address from that should you want to press charges. You could at least maybe get your ipod back since he apparently stole that after he stomped on you and stomped your iphone.
Just contact me on here.

Yes, some time ago, none other than fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly came upon this highly dramatic and incendiary Craigslist Missed Connection, which is either very comical or somewhat disturbing, depending on your disposition. At the time, I dismissed it as fantasy, thinking it read too much like the hipser-hater's equivalent of a Penthouse Forum letter. However, it would appear that at least one concerned citizen with hipster sympathies not only believes the story is true but has taken it upon himself to bring the driver to justice. I'm not sure what recourse the victim would actually have if they did find the guy, but if there's a rematch I really, really hope I'm invited to watch. I also hope there's a Zune involved this time.

And once the private bike detective is done with that, he can move on to trailing adulterous husbands. After reading about the iPhone crusher, I noticed this:

Linda At Bike Junkie Bike Shop - m4w - 54 (Bethpage)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-12-01, 11:45AM EST

I am a fairly regular customer and I was in the store most recently twice a couple of weeks ago. You look as good and hot as ever. I would love to get together. Because I am married I am uncomfortable approaching you directly.

I'm sure Linda at Bike Junkie is pleased to know that his reticence isn't due to insecurity or lack of attraction--it's simply because he's trying to cheat on his wife. Next time this guy tells his wife he's "going out to buy tubes" at 12:45am she can have the bike dick follow him and build herself a solid divorce case.

Lastly, speaking of following people, I always like to follow up on people I've mentioned here on the site. You may remember Shane Stock, owner of Oso Bike. Well, not only did he reinvent his corporate image by re-editing his video, but he also scored a review on Bikecommuters.com:


I'm not one to fuss over chainline, but I was dismayed to learn that the chainline of the Oso bike is something like a centimeter out-of-plane. Still, I suppose it makes a better sacrificial lamb than a Nagasawa or a Samson. (I understand NJS certification for the Oso is pending.)

I also feel compelled to apprise you of the latest from Opinionated Cyclist (if only to save you the trouble of watching his videos) since it may interest some of you to know he seems to have reinvented himself as a karaoke air musician. Here he is "playing" along to Ratt's "Round and Round:"

And here he is singing with his sweater on inside out and backwards:

Hard-hitting stuff.

But not quite as hard-hitting as this:

Soundtrack and wardrobe aside, I can't imagine anything more detached from the streets. Even the bike's in a living room on rollers instead of outside. He does have "amazing bike riding skills" though. I'd give him $9 to pick up my moisture-wicking chicken suit from the dry cleaners or something.