Thursday, July 6, 2017

Frêd-à-Porter

Hello and welcome to the Official Bike Snob NYC Tour de France Recap!


Brought to you by Soft Scrub Cleanser*:


*[Soft Scrub has provided me with no compensation of any kind.  In fact they're completely unaware of their "sponsorship."  I'm just an enthusiastic user of their product...for cleaning, mostly.]

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But most of all, it's delicious**!


**[Consult with your pediatrician before allowing your child to drink Soft Scrub.  If your pediatrician says it's okay, find another pediatrician.]

Okay, so with that out of the way, let's get down to the recap!


So wait...what stage are we on?

Shit.

The last thing I remember was that they kicked out Peter Sagan:



He seems really bummed about winning a stage and then going to Monaco.

But don't worry.  Even though the Tour has lost its most popular rider there's still plenty to get excited about:
Fascinating.

And that's pretty much all I know about the Tour.

Sorry, Soft Scrub.

Moving on, great news for all you Freds out there!  According to the New York Times, you can now wear your stretchy clothes off the bike:


See?


From the biking shorts at Louis Vuitton to the “Tour de Ralph” racing jerseys at Ralph Lauren and an actual designer-branded bicycle at Balenciaga, this season we saw fashion merging with bike culture on the runway. Combine your biking gear (like cycling shorts) with everyday clothes (hoodies and baggy shirts) to attempt the look on the street. (It’s also one way to embrace that ubiquitous short shorts trend this summer.)

By the way, I used a popular search engine to search for the term "Tour de Ralph" and I'll be gosh-darned if Ol' Man Lifshitz didn't totally rip off Rapha:


I mean come on:


Lifshitz is lifting shit if you know what I mean.

Though I will say "Tour de Ralph" is a perfect name for the line because that's exactly what it makes you want to do:


Oh, and what about that Balenciaga bicycle?

Let me guess:

Is it an insanely expensive "collabo" fixie?

A dandy-riffic leather-wrapped city bike?

Some sort of bedazzled folder?

Nope:


For those eager to peddle into Balenciaga-branded action, it’s your lucky day. The Balenciaga bikes will be sold exclusively at colette, and will retail for around $3,900 (listed at 3500 euros), and are available to purchase in-store today.

It was only a matter of time before the New York City food delivery bike look had its haute couture moment, though you really need to jack that rear filth prophylactic up and point the nose of the saddle way down to get the full effect:


Lastly, not to ralph up content I've already shared on the Bike Forecast, but those of you who reside in the New York City area will be amused to learn that officials in Tarrytown and Nyack are plotzing over the prospect of 24-hour Tappan Zee pedestrian and bicycle access:


For those of you unfamiliar with the area, Nyack and environs is where all the Freds head on the weekends, and the locals have a long history complaining about the people who keep their cafés in business:


Hey, if my money's not green enough for you I'll just point my Balenciaga bike elsewhere...just as soon as I get my Tour de Ralph jersey back from the dry cleaner.

33 comments:

herzogone said...

Another podium!?

Seattle lone wolf said...

Elbow!

UUCP said...

For what it's worth, when the new bridge opens there will be cafes in Dobbs Ferry and Hastings-on-Hudson happy to take your filthy, filthy Fred-dollars.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well OK, after nearly 20 minutes. 4th.

Name said...

Where is everyone? Fifth after reading?

old guy said...

oly cow. Sixth? Has BS jumped the shark?

N/A said...

Soft Scrub is the best with a little splash of rum.




Cycle-chic? Have those dumbasses ever seen how people look in bikeen clothes?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Went to lunch and still top ten ScranuS!

Anonymous said...

Ralph Wiggins Couture!

Spokey said...

just droppin in to leave a turd for 10

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

MolassesChamois said...

Turd!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

"South Nyack Mayor Bonnie Christian was more adamant in expressing her concerns. How would her tiny village, almost all residential, play host to moonlight strollers and late-night cyclists? Would the village get stuck as the backup response to police emergencies at all hours? Where would people go once they crossed the Hudson?"

Hold up there, South Nyack is actually a separate town from Nyack? I always thought the real name of the town was Nyack So Nyack. I guess it is true that you learn something new every day!

Dooth said...

"Pressure, what is pressure"? ...Sagan. Yup, I'm a Sagan fan.

Cat 404 e-Racer said...

Velonews is so out if it.

Phinney's Rubay slippers are so common, and, 3 times the weight of the shoes Adam Hansen sells...

https://hanseeno.myshopify.com/collections/shoes

streepo said...

scranus.

Ralph Wiggins said...

Me a fashion victim? Unpossible.

JuanOffue said...

Hey, you don’t even need bike shorts to get that high-fashion look: https://i.redd.it/w0f01espxl7z.jpg

1904 Cadardi said...

NYT be damned, I'm still changing out of the stretchy clothes when I'm done Fred riding. What's next Mexican Wrestling chic?

Teoría De La Conspiración Reclinada said...

Recumbabe would still look stunning in a Mexican wrestling mask.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Haaa haaa, Nyackers gonna git mo crime ! "Suckit douchebag," as whats his name said in that whats it called bike messenger movie.

If they really want urban flavor, they could put Citibike racks in there, ... and never have bikes in them, ... like in Midtown during Haute Commutation hours.

vsk

leroy said...

I for one understand South Nyack Mayor Christian's concerns about hosting the Midnight Strollers.

The popular folk duo left a string of trashed hotel rooms and half-eaten kale and quinoa platters throughout their infamous Late Night Cyclist tour in the '80s.

Time has not mellowed them.

Spokey said...

I like those dexy midnight strollers.

specially that Come on Eileen ditty. oh wait maybe it was eileen's titties.

ok, i'll just quitty

BamaPhred said...

So anorexia is not limited to female fashion models.

babble on said...

Nor has time mellowed me... still as high strung and strident as ever. Yep yep yep. And STILL living proof that while you are only young once, you can remain immature indefinitely.

Steely Danzig said...

Sagan, like Cipo, is kinda skeevy, but I wish I was him.

Freddy Murcks said...

That Balenciaga-branded bike can't be real. That's a $350 department store bike. Or are rich people really that stooooopid?

Joe said...

There's just no way that the fashion stuff isn't a prank of some sort.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, please get a pair of Spinaci bars and review them! They are being sold again: https://www.wingedstore.com/news/143-own-a-slice-of-cycling-history-cinelli-spinaci-discovered

Canada Dry for a While said...

MIA Babble back after a high-ate-us.

Now if only CC and Rob the Fords would/could make comebacks

cba said...

yet another vapourware smarting biek concept taking the bicycle and making it a bit crappier. They seem a bit confused about matching their clipart bieks to 20th century decades though

fourhourerection said...

Damb. That model modeling the bikeen shorts best stay clear of Boy Scouts. Might grab his legs and try to start a fire with them sticks.

Tour De Skids said...

Maybe Richie Porte wouldn't have crashed if he'd had... dare I say it... DISC BRAKES?