Chain of Fools

All these weeks I've been selfishly nudging you over to the right-hand margin of this blog to do your holiday shopping, but if I'm to be completely honest this season's best gift idea is clearly nanoparticle-infused laser lube:

@bikesnobnyc will definitely be buying several bottles of this: https://t.co/6fhBwcYyb3

— Jeff Hagen (@JHRacing07) December 13, 2016

Here's the deal:

Together Cycle Star and NC State have designed a new technology where lasers are used to form nano and micro carbon particles (microscopic ball bearings), which are claimed to reduce friction between metallic surfaces as they move across one another.

Yes, this lube has all the ingredients you need to appeal to the Fredly marketing demographic:

--Lasers?  ✓
--The word "nano" in it? ✓
--Physical characteristics you can't verify with your own eyes but instead must take on faith? ✓

That last one is particularly brilliant, because while Freds don't know shit about science they do at least understand the concept of ball bearings, so imagine the speed and efficiency they can conjure up in their minds if they think their chain is now impregnated with them:

These carbon micro-particles are mixed into a lightweight synthetic oil and when applied to your chain Cycle Star says it will not only bond on a molecular level to the drivetrain's surface to fill in microscopic gaps, but will also create a "ball bearing effect between surfaces."

Oh, and it works on cars, so you know it's good:

It sounds gimmicky no doubt, but Cycle Star’s parent company, Star Nanotech, has applied its technology to automotive oil already. According to a study at NC State University, it resulted in enhanced fuel efficiencies of up to 35 percent in four, six and eight-cylinder gas and diesel cars and trucks.

Makes sense, because your bicycle's drivetrain is exactly like the motor of a six or eight-cylinder gas or diesel car or truck.  That's why if you can service your bicycle you can also service your car engine.  They're basically the same thing.  Take my word for it: all you need to replace the timing belt in your Honda Accord from the comfort of your own driveway is a bicycle multitool and a copy of "Zinn and the Art of Road Bike Maintenance."  Then when you're done be sure to fill the engine with Cycle Star nano-ball laser-tech bicycle chain lube.  No problem!  Though at $40 a bottle it will probably end up costing you what you would have paid the local garage:

This isn’t the first time nanoparticles have been applied to chain lubes, though this seems to be the most science-intensive application, which translates into the price at an eye-watering $40 for a 10oz/30ml bottle. That said, Cycle Star says that only a small amount of lube is needed — less than half a pipette's worth — to properly lube a chain.

Incredible.  $40 for some lube--which has already been scientifically proven not to improve drivetrain efficiency.  Eye-watering indeed.  in fact, you might as well just apply that eye water to your chain for all the difference it will make.

And how much is "half a pipette's worth," anyway?  Between tracking your mileage, monitoring your wattage, and journaling about #whatpressureyourunning cycling has become a bewildering process of data collection, and adding "pipette" as a unit of measurement may very well be the metric that broke the Fred's back.  This is why I've always championed more straightforward methods of quantification.  For example, you'll remember DFUs, or "Diminutive Frenchman Units:"

Similarly, when talking about liquid volumes, it helps to know that one (1) pipette's worth of a liquid equals the amount of pre-ejaculate secreted by Mario Cipollini when he swipes onto an appealing Tinder profile:

This is called a CPCU, or "Cipollini Pre-Cum Unit."

Then you've got a CFOEU, or "Cipollini Full-On Ejaculate Unit," which speaks for itself:

This is roughly equivalent in both size and consistency to a gallon of Benjamin Moore white semi-gloss:

Which is why the CFOEU has widely been adopted as a unit of measurement among contractors.

By the way, if constant Cipollini sexual references make you uncomfortable then maybe the problem is with you and your hangups, Mr. and Ms. Stuart Byham.

I hope couples therapy is working out for you.

Speaking of using your body to make stuff work, here's a video that asks whether or not you can power your house using a bicycle:

(SPOILER ALERT: OF COURSE NOT.)

What they don't tell you is that Adam totally could have powered that house if only he'd slathered his chain with Laser Lube.

As far as broader conclusions to draw from the video, it's pretty clear that in order to power our nation of wildly inefficient single-family ranch homes Donald Trump's gonna have to do some serious plundering.

(But don't worry, that's not going to happen.  If it were then he'd be assembling a cabinet of generals and oil company executives.)

Lastly, via a reader, here's the 3,250 Euro furniture bike of your dreams:

This bicycle is designed from the basic idea that it should be like a piece of furniture. A comfortable piece that makes you happy every time you take it for a ride. 

Seems to me that this bike should have been a recumbent, the most furniture-like of all the bicycles:

That's like a La-Z-Boy on wheels.