Thursday, May 26, 2016

Le Mans Start Today, Please Leave the Room and Wait for Further Instructions


It's Public Service Thursday, which is a thing I just made up, and here's State Police Lieutenant Rob Davis to talk to you about bike safety in a lilting Michigan accent!

Now you know.

Meanwhile, a thousand or so miles due south in Louisiana, you've got his polar opposite, Sheriff Clay Higgins:

I realize I've posted this video before, but I feel strongly it's important to re-watch that at least once every few weeks.

You've now fulfilled the public service requirements for this blog.

Now let's move on to language.  Here on whatever the hell this blog's called we're constantly discovering new words and adding them to the lexicon of cycling.  Indeed, this week alone we've already learned "Velojackr:"

Velojackr [n]

1. Someone who steals bikes;

2. An exhibitionist who exposes himself while riding a bicycle.

And of course "Jack-tard:"

Jack-tard [n]

1. One who wears a cycling "smart jacket;"

2. One who experiences inordinate difficulty in completing the task of onanism.

Given the frequency with which new words arise, it's important to refresh our knowledge by occasionally revisiting older words, lest our collective vocabulary get snowed under in a blizzard of syntax.  To that end, this week's Refresher Word of the Day is "Budnitz:"

Budnitz [v]

1. To sell overpriced and rebranded design-y bikes to people who own loft apartments;
2. A common malapropism for "business" [e.g. "Taking care of Budnitz and working overtime."]
3. To catch the sleeve of your "smart jacket" in the spokes of your overpriced bicycle [e.g. "That velojacking jack-tard just tried to take his smart jacket off while riding, totally budnitzed it, and went right over the bars!"]

Anyway, astute readers may recall my own experience getting Budnitzed way back in 2012, and I was recently reminded of this because apparently now Old Man Budnitz is doing road bikes:

Paul Budnitz started a ti bike building company five years ago to construct something a bit different. What has developed over time are a series of swoopy, double-toptube frames with belt-drives and internally geared hubs. His newest bike – the Model Ø (or Zero) – takes the lessons he’s learned on city cruisers and mountain bikes and applies it to a fast-moving bike for longer commutes or even more dedicated road riding.

Yeah, they left out a little bit of the backstory, but whatever:

Anyway, the Budnitz O-With-A-Line-Through-It is apparently the culmination of two years of intense and uncompromising Budnitzing:

The new Budnitz Model Ø was two years in the making, as their designers worked to produce the fastest and most advanced bike in their catalog. Budnitz bikes use a twin-toptube design with a small weld connection at the seattube that allows the frame to flex in a unique way (much like Trek’s IsoCoupler) and gives a very smooth feel at the saddle. They received a lot of feedback from customers who wanted a fast bike with that same smooth ride, and so the new Model Ø was born.

I dunno, seems to me if the seat tube is welded to the top tube it's not moving like Trek's IsoCoupler, though I guess the way it looks makes you think it is, and I suppose that's the point:

It's also build for "fast off-road adventure:"

The bike begins with a handmade titanium frame and then builds to suit each customer starting with a carbon fork, a Gates Carbon belt drive, and a Di2 Alfine 11 speed hub. A Rohloff 14 speed option is also available. Tire-wise the Model Ø comes spec’d with 35mm Schwalbe Marathon Racers, but you can even swap in a set of knobby cross tires like Racing Ralphs for a bit more of a fast off-road adventure. The Model Ø get new-for-Budnitz geometry as well, with a shorter wheelbase and more road-oriented handling. It uses a tall tapered headtube and pairs with Enve fork and cockpit for rigid and predictable steering.

Even though no Budnitz customer in the history of Budnitzdom has ever or will ever undertake a "fast off-road adventure" (much less change the tires in order to do so).

Like all of his bikes, the Model Ø comes with a 100-mile no-questions-asked trial, so try and make sure you are happy when you buy. His frames and custom made components are also guaranteed for 100 years (not sure if that is to the original purchaser, or who will be handling claims in a century, whatever…), so we guess that is just a nod to confidence in their product and a willingness to stand behind what they make.

I suspect this 100-year warranty is more a nod to the confidence that no Budnitz customer will ever push their titanium frame to the point of failure, but sure, it sounds impressive to people who don't understand bikes.  The fact is you could safely slap the same warranty on a bicycle from BikesDirect--and indeed the warranty on a titanium Motobecane is also 100 years--but then you wouldn't get the pride of ownership that comes with paying $6,750 for a Budnitz:

The Model Zero is available in four stock sizes for $6750 for the complete build. They can also be painted-to-order in a wide range of standard solid colors for a $500 upcharge (nicely leaving the stays exposed ti.) Quantities are said to be limited, so hop on if you are looking for a smooth alternative ride for everything from morning road commutes to weekend gravel adventures.


Or, for that price, if you're looking for a "fast off-road adventure" you could buy two (2) titanium bikes made by the very same people who Budnitz pays to make his bikes for him:

Indeed, when I noticed you can even finance the goddamn things I almost did just that:

That's just dangerous.  There really ought to be a law against this sort of Fredatory lending.  And they even take trade-ins!

Wonder how much they'd give me for a lightly-used Budnitz.

Still, I suppose you can't put a price on riding the same bike as the Burlington, VT police department:

Who's doing their uniforms, Portlandia?

Meanwhile, in other news, it will no doubt shock you to learn that professional cycling is morally bankrupt:

(Via a reader)

Rumors started popping up in February that Sheikh Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa (the head of Bahrain’s Olympic committee and the eldest son of the King of Bahrain’s second wife) was planning on adding disgraced former cycling team owner Bjarne Riis to a freshly-announced, mysterious cycling project and try to start up a new WorldTour team for the 2017 season. This week, a report in Italian paper Corriere della Sera linked Italian superstar Vincenzo Nibali to the team, and Lampre officials confirmed to Cycling News that the Italian team was in talks with the Bahrainis regarding a takeover. It appears that Prince will get involved to some degree, bringing much-needed cash to a sport seemingly locked in an existential crisis. Professional cycling is cash-strapped and might very well embrace him. This is a mistake. Nasser bin Hamad Al Khalifa has been credibly accused of personally torturing pro-democracy dissidents, and he’s not the savior the sport needs.

Not only that, but he's a hands-on torturer too, as opposed to the kinds we have in our government:

Mohammed Hassan Jawad (64 yrs old) was blindfolded and handcuffed when Nasser Bin Hamad asked him “do you know who I am, its Nasser with you” Then the son of the king started interrogating Mr. Jawad about the Safriya protest and accusing him of organizing the protest. To force him to confess, Nasser beat Mr. Jawad with a hose on his head until he fell to the ground. Then Nasser started kicking him mostly on his back, while swearing at shia clerics and imams.

Of course, it's a bit late to be worrying about any of this, since Eddy Merckx has been working with oppressive governments for years:

Though on the plus side, I suppose all these characters make Oleg Tinkov look like Noam Chomsky.

In the meantime, it's good to see the UCI is focussing on important issues, like disc brake boo-boos.

Rubber hoses are one thing, but you wouldn't want the Sheikh beating any dissidents with a disc brake rotor.


bad boy of the north said...

No way,..way!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium again!

JuanOffhue said...

Read the whole thing and still podiated!

N/A said...

Oh man, I budnitzed in an elevator one time, and I think it caused some old lady to have a mild cardiac episode.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Almost Podiumed. Scranus!

Anonymous said...

Shitty podium. SQNYC

hoghopper said...

"in a unique way (much like Trek’s IsoCoupler)"

Apparently Mr. Budnitz does not understand what "uniqueness" means.

Grump said...

When I read this...."Model Ø comes with a 100-mile no-questions-asked trial", I realized that this would last the typical Budnutzer two years.

Bryan said...

Hmmm...I have a trek single speed with the same tick tick tick noise as your buttnitz. I kind of assumed it was the chainguard or something. Guess I'll be pulling the cranks off sometime soon.

BamaPhred said...

Officer Higgins was fired for being a dick, basically, and not the Dick Tracy kind either

wishiwasmerckx said...

Mankind has an inherent blood-lust that has led to murderous conflict throughout history. It is naive to expect an end to "ethnic cleansing" by appealing to man's better nature. Historically, that approach has met with abject failure.

Sure, both Mao and Stalin killed more through mass starvation than perished in the Holocaust, but the difference is that the mass starvations were indiscriminate killers; they were not directed at the elimination of one subgroup from not just society, but from history.

And to equate the Holocaust with the invasion of Afghanistan or the number of deaths from Oxycontin overdose shows such a lack of precision of thought that I con only conclude that you, kind sir, are a simpleton incapable of grasping the distinction.

BTW, whatpressureyourunning?

Yours in cycling,


recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Fredatory lending"

-Good one Snob.

dnk said...

I fucking love Lieutenant Sheriff Clay Higgins! Thanks for posting that one again Snob, I agree it's important to re-watch that one every once in a while. For verily we all are on a bike ride to Hell.

I am thus saddened to report that Sheriff Higgins has retired from the St. Landry Parish, apparently due to his controversial choice of language in several Crime Stoppers videos.

Anonymous said...

Heh heh, beating people with old hoses, heh heh

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hands free law in my state... today, I crossed my favourite pedestrian bridge /decommissioned roadway, on the way I passed a construction crew driving the other way, driver was clearly texting, I though "where's a cop to smack down the texter". As I crested the bridge to see a trooper, appearing to be, zipping up his fly, hop in his cruiser and drive towards me. As the trooper passes he's looking down at his phone. I pass his starting point and there's a puddle behind where the cruiser was parked. Apparently driving fees up your hands so you can check your phone in a way peeing does not... pee free or die as they say in these parts

leroy said...

My dog wishes to inform Sheriff Clay Higgins in Lawtell, Louisiana that we in the tortured-soul-on-a-bike-ride-to-hell community appreciate his concern and assure him we are carefully monitoring which of our numerous malfunctions is our major one and will keep him apprised of the milestones on our journey to personal knowledge.

I'd just like to add my condolences to the bicycle thief's victims. Honestly, leaving a handgun in your pick up truck... no one could have seen that ending badly.

As to the tattoo equipment, my dog wishes to point out that he's had his own for many years.

Of course, I can attest to that. His needles are little dull and ouchy-making.

But my dog assures me the multi-hued, gothic script "Thug Lite" tattoo across my back is progressing nicely.

dancesonpedals said...

Maybe velojacquerie, an uprising of freds against expensive crap.

BamaPhred said...

I budnitz once in a while, and have to open the windows.

Anonymous said...

Police riding a Budnitz in Burlington? No wonder why my taxes are so high.

The Old Perfesser said...

"A tortured soul on a bahk rahd to hayell"

Well, that's me!

Anonymous said...

" the Model Ø (or Zero)"
That may be Model Zero in some death metal or circle-A anarchist world, but it is Model Empty Set in the real world.

Anonymous said...'s OK to ride 2 a breast.

Anonymous said...

Racing Ralphs sounds like something a Fred does when he rides too fast in a Cat 5 race!

"Quantities are limited..." Yeah, by the number of people nutty enough to by this bicycle.

McFly said...

My woman is a lady and she will only smash her love chamber onto one top tube at a time thank you very much.

Ol' Man Budnitz can just keep his gonad snatcher.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

A worse offense than Budnitzing in an elevator is the Dutch Oven Budnitz. Wait is that redundant?

dancesonpedals said...

What to wear when you have a bun in a Dutch Oven.

dem_bieks! said...

The UCI has no problem with torturers, despots and the like. World Road Championships in Qatar baby!!!

Human trafficking and systematic oppression of women is good for cycling.

Anonymous said...

I regularly beat my employee about the head and shoulders with rubber hoses, is there something wrong with that?

Donald Trump

Spokey said...

well maybe so where you are mr rob davis (if that is your real name)

here in the hemorrhoids, if a car comes up behind you, you do legally have to go to single file

Persons riding bicycles upon a roadway may travel no more than two abreast when traffic is not impeded, but otherwise shall ride in single file except on paths or parts of roadways set aside for the exclusive use of bicycles.

NJ 39:4-14.2: Keeping to right; exceptions; single file

Spokey said...


disagree. systematically starving the ukes for one. And he wasn't terribly fond of gypsys either.

Spokey said...

given that i'm often a Ø, i'd think about buying a budnitz if my freakin bilenky doesn't show up soon. but i do have a question.

They can also be painted-to-order in a wide range of standard solid colors for a $500 upcharge (nicely leaving the stays exposed ti.)

how much would cost if you wanted the whole bike painted instead of bits and pieces here and there?

dop said...

anonymous 11:42 for cod?

janinedm said...

I almost forgot a collision I saw today on my way to work. They resurfaced Fifth Ave below St. Patrick's down to 44th or 43rd. Anyway they haven't repainted the lines yet and it is bonkers how drivers who, I've been told, are the only responsible people on all of NYC's streets cannot deal. It's as f Yakkety Sax starts playing as soon as the hit the cross street and what was five reasonably orderly lanes of traffic becomes some sort of preschool soccer game. Anyway, I saw a van hit a taxi because both were trying to switch positions without signaling or looking. I laughed and yelled "fucking dummies," as I rode past.

janinedm said...

...maybe it's four lanes on Fifth? Point still stands.

Anonymous said...

Best Dude of the Day Award goes to Scott Davis.

Unknown said...

vsk said ...

So is the global warming back on ?


dop said...

Stalin didn't like gypsies? Didn't he ever meet Marlene?

1904 Cadardi said...

Being a Metallurgical Engineer with experience and knowledge in this sort of thing I feel it behooves me to point out the technical term for a weld that allows the sort of flexibility implied by Budnitz is as follows: cracked. Also acceptable would be failed. As in, the weld failed and the resulting crack is why your Budnitz feels more vertically compliant.

Now you try using these terms in a sentence. Fill in the blank:
My common sense ____________, which is why I now own a _________ Budnitz.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...I took care of bunditz this morning by riding most of the day and getting paid for it.

dnk said...

1904 Cadardi @2:46 ---

My common sense CRACKED, which is why I now own a FAILED Budnitz.

P. Bateman said...

Fredatory lending.

well done sir

Bottle Ready said...

Headed for the overload,
Splattered on the dirty road,
Kick me like you've kicked before,
I can't even feel the pain no more.
But I only get my rocks off while I'm riding Budnitz,
I only get my rocks off while I'm riding Budnitz.

Olle Nilsson said...

Top 45 was the best I could do on my Model Ø. Did I miss anything?

Model Ø - all of a sudden I feel like I should buy a Tesla to go with it.

brother yam said...

Budnitz just pulled the handlebars and comfy saddle off a beach cruiser and added an ass hatchet and swoopy bars.

What an asshole

bad boy of the north said...

I prefer a sam adams over a budnitz anytime.

doood said...

I think I would pronounce it "Budnitz Bupkiss".

CommieCanuck said...

I was looking at the Budnitz, but the 100 year warranty put me off, I like to keep my bikes a while. Same problem with a deraileur I bought off this little Tullio guy in 1962, and now he won't answer my emails about 11-speed compatibility. Customer service just isn't what it used to was.

Handmade is nice, but my Motörhead fat bike, the "Ace of Spádês" fatbike is entirely assembled by feral Capybaras, and you can tell in the ride.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Beiks, ixnay on the elsa-Tay.

Teslas are skinned in aluminum in order to save weight and extend range. So, in essence you are driving around in a souped-up beer can. They will not support a roof rack of any kind.

It would be a veritable rooftop holo...oh shit, never mind...

Freddy Murcks said...

Knowing that Shitnitz bikes are made by Lynskey considerably lowers my respect for Lynskey.

Anonymous said...

The Shia and Sunni have been at war for over 1400 years. Who's idea was it to topple Saddam Hussein? The neo-cons (Norman Podhoretz). The neo-cons convinced President Bush that a western style, Israel friendly democracy would flourish in Iraq after Sadaam's removal. We all know how that turned out. Trillions of dollars wasted and tens of thousands killed or maimed, including Americans.
1400 years at war over religion? Shocked and awed.

King Faisal said...

Anon 5:35, what is Shia Labeouf up to now?

As the Great Prophet's immediate successor, the Shiites backed Former Reagan Chief of Staff James "Abu" Bakr for Caliphate, while the Sunnis backed boxer Muhammed Ali.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Happy Menorahial Day to all of jew!

Dooth said...

Isn't Shia the offspring of Sunni and Cher?

Bush said...

Hello Kingy
According to a popular web searching thing, Shia is up to about 5'9".

Freddy Murcks said...

janinedm - Thanks for the mention of Yakety Sax - Yakety Sax makes everything funnier. Here's some classic car crash high jinks that would make Benny Hill proud.

Olle Nilsson said...

Commie, good to hear those Capybaras are making the most of their life on the lam (as opposed to Life of a lamb )

wiwm - got nowhere to plug in the esla-Tay so disaster averted.

Spokey said...

is model Ø anything like patient Ø?

if i buy one of these does that initiate the zombie alpaca-lips?

Dave said...

Got passed at good speed by a fat guy pretending to pedal an electrified fat bike on the W&OD.

Other than that things are peachy and steamy here in the Ronny-Reagan-themed boxer shorts of Washington, D.C.

David G said...

OMG, Lt. Rob Davis rocks.

Anonymous said...

A Devon sighting yesterday, mentioned in a comment anyway.

JLRB said...

Lynskey will make a bike for anyone

Mine is still number one in the random gathering of douche chariots in my garage

(lots of laughs in todays post - thanks)

Anonymous said...

Inexpensive freewheels often make a ticking sound in a rhythm similar to galloping. Replace with a $25-ish ACS.

bad boy of the north said...

this weekend,remember those that didn't make it back home and last and definitely not least,have a safe one.

Anonymous said...

Fk safety.

Have a good one, a fun one, a slow one, a family one, a respectful one...

But in no way have a safe one... it's life you gotta risk it.

Roille Figners said...

WIWM - Sorry you had to resort to the desperate move of misrepresenting my argument. You sound so fake and rehearsed, like saying the same shit you've been saying forever because you feel you're supposed to, but deep down you suspect it's wrong. Yep, it is. You'll let go of it eventually, or maybe not, but usually people are hanging on mainly to please family or get laid. Well at least your family is pleased.

Roille Figners said...

PS: Imprecision, you mean like using the word "equate" when "compare" is more applicable, spelling the word "can" wrong, forgetting the capital H until I reminded you, and calling names when you don't get your way?

NourskSiklist said...

Rolly Fingers, woosiewasmurchs,STFU or GTFO. Meet in a deserted car park and joust on your bieks,or something. Stop harshing the comments section, for fuck's sake. You will never agree, and the rest of people here are tired of this bullshit.

Domo arigato Mister Robotto

Unknown said...

I am a private loan lender which have all take to be a genuine lender i give out the best loan to my client at a very convenient rate.The interest rate of this loan is 3%.i give out loan to public and private individuals.the maximum amount i give out in this loan is $1,000,000.00 USD why the minimum amount i give out is 5000.for more information

Your Full Details:
Full Name :………
Country :………….
Sex :………….
Tel :………….
Occupation :……..
Amount Required :…………
Purpose of the Loan :……..
Loan Duration :…………
Phone Number :………

Contact Email

Dr Purva Pius said...

Hello Everybody,
My name is Mrs Sharon Sim. I live in Singapore and i am a happy woman today? and i told my self that any lender that rescue my family from our poor situation, i will refer any person that is looking for loan to him, he gave me happiness to me and my family, i was in need of a loan of S$250,000.00 to start my life all over as i am a single mother with 3 kids I met this honest and GOD fearing man loan lender that help me with a loan of S$250,000.00 SG. Dollar, he is a GOD fearing man, if you are in need of loan and you will pay back the loan please contact him tell him that is Mrs Sharon, that refer you to him. contact Dr Purva Pius,via email:( Thank you.


1. Name Of Applicant in Full:……..
2. Telephone Numbers:……….
3. Address and Location:…….
4. Amount in request………..
5. Repayment Period:………..
6. Purpose Of Loan………….
7. country…………………
8. phone…………………..
9. occupation………………
11.Monthly Income…………..

Email Kindly Contact: