Wednesday, May 25, 2016

This Post Is Early By Wednesday Standards

Hi there!

As someone pointed out yesterday after the comments went all Godwin, this is a blog about bicycles, so let's talk about bikes.  Bikes!  And if you like to talk about bikes, you'll be pleased to know I've annexed (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?) the Marin Pine Mountain 1, which is now officially a part of my stable, or quiver, or pod, or murder, or swarm, or whatever you call a bunch of velocipedes:


The bike's just too much fun to ride to send back.

Also, once again, I should point out that the Marin Pine Mountain 1 is not technically a fat bike, so you can rest assured that I AM STILL NOT GETTING A FAT BIKE.


I'm not, really.  First you get a fat bike, then you get one of those Bluetooth handlebar speakers, and before you know it you've gone "full bro" and you're wearing Crocs to dinner parties.

Anyway, I liked the Marin just as it came out of the box, but now that it is my prisoner for life I've made some small modifications to better suit me: I've schlonged-out-and-donged-out the cockpit with my preferred longish stem (I find that makes for better climbing and more stable handling); I've also vag-ed up said cockpit by fitting my preferred dork-tastic labia majora-style Ergon grips; and finally I've swapped the saddle and seatpost for some others I had in my vast bicycle parts storage area.

And that's about all I'm gonna do until stuff wears out or breaks.

Speaking of breaking, after a couple months of road-only cycling due to a busted thumbing finger, the Marin was the perfect bike with which to regain my off-road footing, since wide gear ranges and even wider tires provide both confidence and margin for error.  However, now that I'm feeling sharp and over-confident again, this morning I broke out my Engin custom artisanal singlespeed instead:


I was secretly worried that the Marin might have ruined me for singlespeeds with "regular" sub-3" tires, but I couldn't have been more wrong, and as I rode I fell in love with this bike all over again and congratulated myself for the umpteenth time for ordering it.

Yay me.

Yes, we cyclists love our bikes, as the inventor of the "Velojackr" well knows:




"Cyclists.  We love our bikes, but we hate punctures.  Nobody wants to flip their bikes and risk damaging expensive saddles, handlebars, gear shifters, and other cycle-tech accessories by resting them on the ground."

Firstly, I could listen to the word "ground" spoken in a Scottish accent all day.  Secondly, is it really so hard to lay your bike down without damaging it?  All you have to do is lay it down in the grass:


That seems like a more convenient option than taking up your bottle cage real estate with this tool Thermos:


Also, it's hard to imagine the typical cyclist will be able to place the Velojackr's patented handlebar rests in just the right orientation to receive the cockpit:


("Initiate cockpit docking procedure!")

No offense, but the sorts of Freds who represent the target market for this typically don't possess that degree of spatial intelligence:


("Cockpit docking procedure complete!")

I've also got serious misgivings about the name, which seems like it would be defined thusly:

"Velojackr" [n]

1. Someone who steals bikes;

2. An exhibitionist who exposes himself while riding a bicycle.

The latter definition is reinforced by the fact that the Velojackr comes with gloves:


Because what's creepier than someone slipping on a pair of latex gloves?


It's almost as creepy as holding things near your midsection and measuring them:


Meanwhile, on the other end of the cycling spectrum from the Fredcycle with its cluttered cockpit is The Perfect Urban Bike:



Which is pretty much just like every other "minimalist" mail order bike, with the addition of some tire liners:


Or you could just use better tires, but that would be too easy.

Indeed, it's telling that the most promising Kickstarter innovation currently soliciting funding is the Rainette:


Which is basically a waterproof human baby sack:


This should go over especially well in America.  After all, most people think you're crazy for transporting a child by bicycle on a beautiful sunny day, so you can only imagine their horror when it starts raining and you stuff your kid in a sack:


Hey, don't get me wrong, as a child-schlepper and parent I'm all in favor of both foul-weather child transport and putting kids in bags.  It's just that the typical layperson probably wouldn't understand--though of course it's perfectly fine when the NYPD does it:


I guess they're taking that prisoner to go.

75 comments:

Two Claws said...

Two Claws Up!

Anonymous said...

200,000,000 dead in the last century...

didi you see what I did there?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium~!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Scranus.

dop said...

The Belgians favored those long stems for stability on the cobbles

Ted K. said...

SIMPLER SOCIAL PROBLEMS HAVE PROVED INTRACTABLE
136. If anyone still imagines that it would be possible to reform the system in such a way as to protect freedom from technology, let him consider how clumsily and for the most part unsuccessfully our society has dealt with other social problems that are far more simple and straightforward. Among other things, the system has failed to stop environmental degradation, political corruption, drug trafficking or domestic abuse.

N/A said...

Devon was a velo-jacker, but she dumped that guy when he left for Alaska. I think she's ridin' Nonplussed Bibshorts Guy's fatbike, now.

Anonymous said...

Scrotium!!

Anonymous said...

"...whatever you call a bunch of velocipedes..."

The correct term is "herd."

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

tenth? Scranus!

P. Bateman said...

10

McFly said...

You cannot break a labia majora-style anything. And it will not wear out, either.

Eric the Infrequent said...

Oh boy! Ted is back

wle said...

that baby sack would come in handy during potty training too, can i get a LEAK-PRUFE!!!!??

wle

Anonymous said...

Geez, maybe I would have podiumed f I hadn't watched the entire body bagging video. Between that and the NYT story on the vap dens in NC my day's been educational, but ruined nevertheless.

Bro-duder said...

Hey man that Pine Mountain is a sweet fat bike you got there. Welcome to the fold brah.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

I heard / saw on some woosie newsie thing that some CitBike MechNicks were writing to the manufactura or the management about some weak parts on the bikes. I'll try to do some research.

"They" should make one in crabon and freak the freddies out!

vsk

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

http://gothamist.com/2016/05/23/post_168.php

You see what they did there ...

vsk

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Someone in the NYPD R&D/Purchasing is obviously a serious golfer who travels by air with his golf clubs. NYPD has copied theClub Glove and dubbed it the Perp Glove.

Jacquard, Jack Tard, Jack Hard, VeloJackr. When I get a flat tire, usually the only flat place that would allow me to use the VeloJackr is the roadway being traveled on by cars and bikes, a lot of times the earth turns into a ditch at the side of the shoulder, so I just remove my wheel and gently lay my bike down in the ditch. Plus they need to invent a water bottle that goes in my saddlebag if the VeloJackr is going to take up a water bottle holder.

A finely curated collection of bicycles such as your own should be referred to as a Stable, as in a Stable of Fine Steeds. Quiver is fine for arrows and Labia Majoris, not velocipedes. Herd, Flock, Drove, Bevy, Gaggle, Horde, Swarm, Mob, Assemblage, Multitude, Nest, Pack, Crush, Covey - none of those work.

Schisthead said...

It is so a fat bike.

N/A said...

I've got a mess of bikes.


Who the hell is actually going to carry a Velojackr with them on a ride?

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Wow, I've been missing out on the fun of seeking out a shop to repair my punctures. Why should I settle for the drudgery of carrying an extra tube and mini pump to facilitate a self repair? I could simply rely exclusively on tyre liners and act surprised and helpless when the inevitable failure occurs.

1904 Cadardi said...

A stable of bikes sounds far too aristocratic. Perhaps "shite-load"? As in "I've already got a shite-load of bikes filling the garage, what's one more."

The VeloJakrOffr looks awesome because it's always amusing to watch a neo-Fred try and replace a rear wheel on an upside down beikcycle. Good for hours of entertainment, and that's just from a single flat.

Spokey said...

i have a simpler method for changing my tire without getting my saddle dirty, breaking my smarting phone etc. i just put my kickstand (esge, pletscher or whatever they're called these daya) down. and when the offensive wheel is off, the weight shifts to the other wheel giving me a nice tripod setup. and i don't have to flip the bike so it looks like a dead turtle.

i do carry a couple pair of nitrile gloves.

but then i also carry an almost done roll of toilet paper in a sandwich bag in my handlebar bag front pocket. does the velo-jacker come with TP?

Anonymous said...

why do they need to put that guy in a bag? what happened to the good old days of whacking them with a nightstick, choking them, pepper spraying them, and kicking them en masse when they're down? or did the video start after all that?

P. Bateman said...

how do these kickstarter "inventors" always seem to overlook the very obvious dick jokes or the overt sexuality of some of their videos?

maybe the do know and they just figure that people bought the shake weight so they'll be fine?

or maybe i just need to let go of my 14 year old boy brain.

Spokey said...


pb

perhaps they are not aware of this perversion laden portion of the intercourse-net known as the bsnyc commentariat.

Anonymous said...

Velojackr just made me think something for when you just have to pleasure yourself while out on a ride. Happens to the best of us...

Anonymous said...

Perp Glove, oh the horror! He's human, show some respect...for a depraved criminal, fuck outta here. And by depraved it means he will fuck you and your mama up the you know what. Who knows someone who's done time in Rikers or upstate? Come on...let us know criminals are people too.

leroy said...

Well of course I changed a cut tire on my carbon bike this weekend without turning it upside down.

And of course I rode it to work this morning, hoping to sneak out early to enjoy the nice weather.

And of course, some goofus spilled paint in the cross-town bike lane, giving my tires a Jackson Pollock meets The Beatles' White Album look.

And of course, I had nothing to wipe the paint off with and had a schedule to keep.

And of course, it's looking more and more like there is no way I'm getting out early today.

Oh well, maybe the paint will turn out to be water soluble. Or peelable.

At least I'm not extrapolating Godwin's Law to all human nature.

Yet.

Proper "Hey, who turned out the lights?" Dave said...


Isn't it true that references to Goodwin's Law are examples of Godwin's Law? I think the almighty Godwin postulated that at some point.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Velojackr here and the sexy-accented narrator.

Well, they say any publicity is good publicity!

Thanks for giving us a real belly laugh, guys! We have conducted market research and feedback has indicated that many cyclists like to carry a phallus in their spare cage. We were going to call it VeloJerkoff but couldn't get the trade mark.

We know you all secretly want one so here's the link: https://goo.gl/HGpnsf

Hugs and kisses xxx

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Leroy, get to a hardware store, Home Depot, Lowes or paint store and buy some "Oops" or "Goof-Off." These are dried latex paint removers. Try a little bit of that on the paint on your bike and see if it works. Hopefully the paint in the bike lane was latex and the paint on your bike isn't and you will be able to make it better.

I like to use latex or nitrile examination gloves from time to time to keep from getting my hands dirty. If I happen to have an audience watching me as I snap them on, I like to hold up my hands and say "I'm not a doctor, but I'm willing to take a look!"

ubercurmudgeon said...

That police body bag is a prototype. It will allow undesirables to be wrapped up, carried off, and flung over that wall that Trump is going to get the Mexicans to build.

Joe said...

I'm not sure that the bike stand takes into account that most of its potential users will have their shifters mounted pointing straight up. They probably need to make them taller.

bad boy of the north said...

Leroy,i had to look twice at the word peelable,and thought it said pee-able.i'll bet your dog thought so as well.

janinedm said...

Aww, hail no. I'm supposed to trust a guy who ports his bike on the chain side to tell me what "The Perfect Urban Bike" is? Nope. I didn't see any mention of rack eyelets and having chain guards as an add-on on an urban bike is like charging for your first carry on. You can do it, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

In happier news, my company may move into the Empire State Building, where they have a dedicated bike room.

McFly, talk to a woman who has completed a century and she'll tell you your theory is flawed.

I call my collection a fleet.

Bike Nazi said...

Hey didn't you 'race' the Pine Mtn in a FAT Bike race?!
Havin' it both ways it seems.
Were you crying while simultaneously yelling
"but it's NOT A FAT BIKE!"

dop said...

McFly-

I should think it would take a licking and keep on ticking.

Spokey said...


in a weird twist of fate, i overheard my bike talking about having a fat rider this morning.

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

To change a flat, I found a low hanging tree limb and hook the nose of the saddle over it....natures bike stand. I haven't turned a bike upside down in years ( except when I ride above the treeline).

Dooth said...

"blah blah blah, then you want to get your hands on Velojackr", she said that with a smile that was suppressing a laugh.

Anonymous said...

Janinedm - so your bikes are like enimas?

Godwin said...

How many Palestinians die before it becomes an H?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Godwin, your ignorance to historical fact is stunning.

The number of Palestinians killed by their fellow Arabs DWARFS the number of Palestinians killed by the Israelis. More Palestinians have been killed in the ongoing Syrian Civil War than in the current Israeli conflict, including Operation Protective Edge.

By decree of the Arab League in 1951, Palestinians are DENIED citizenship in all other Arab countries. In contrast, Israeli-born Palestinians have FULL and EQUAL citizenship to Jewish Israelis.

In absolute numbers, those killed on both sides of the Israeli-Palestine conflict since 1950 ranks 49th in global mass deaths.

Holocaust, my ass. Get your facts straight.

ken e. said...

spalding gray spoke of "a cloud of evil that touched down on earth in various places..." defining one atrocity as paramount does no justice to all the other, albeit less horrifying instances of inhumanity we wreak on each other.

BamaPhred said...

I flip my bike upside down like a boss and fix flats, etc. 0 fucks given. Easy on the back and knees, and nary a rub or scratch on the hoods or saddle.

Anonymous said...

Really Wishi, you're creeping me out with this trademark ownership of the H word.

obat gagal jantung said...

Tak terasa seminggu sudah engkau dipelukku, tak terasa seminggu alangkah cepatnya waktu. Tak terasa seminggu rakus ku lumat bibirmu, tak terasa seminggu tak bosan kau minta itu.

N/A said...

Death by seminggu gu.

MrObatoSux said...

Oh sure Obat, easy for you to say.

bad boy of the north said...

what did the obat captcha say?

Tire Iron Treatment said...

What was the name of that girl you could call, and she'd ride over and make what had gone soft, hard again? Then she'd fix your flat too.

dancesonpedals said...

How long do tubular a last? A friend gave me all of his dying brother's bike parts, and the collection included a set of magic cosmic wheels, with an 8 speed campy cassette ( perfect) and Hutchinson tempo tubular a. I ordered presta valves & a tool from Amazon. My plan is to put the rear wheel on & see how it rides before risking anything with the front wheel.

Or should I have a shop replace & reglue dome tires?

dancesonpedals said...

Mavic, not magic

dancesonpedals said...

Tubulars, not tubular a

Know that Name from Somewhere said...

Did someone mention Devon? I thought her 15 days of fame had cum and gone.

McFly said...

A century? That's a 100. 100 what? Miles I hope.

Not far back me and my girl were riding in the park and she freaked when she got to a little bridge and smashed her lady flower into the top tube on the Intense Uzzi and I stand corrected.....it can be injured beyond immediate use. (it was down for 3 days)

McFly said...

Now that I'm thinking about it I will have you know that I have a set of 4 235/70-16 KUHMO VAGILABIA's on my 2003 Ford Exploder with over 62,000 miles on them. That's durability right there.

JLRB said...

Tubular bells - the Exercist - hells bells - that should be a sign to stick with tubies- or maybe I am just too lazy

babble on said...

Yep, but even so, it still takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'...

And yep, may as well have named that jackr thing the velowankr. First thing that came to this twisted, tiny little mind.

Fleet is good, and stable works nicely, too. If yer a professor, you can call yours a convocation, and a politician could go with a parliament... but if yer like me, it's just a mess of bikes. :-/


BikeSnobNYC said...

dancesonpedals,

You can see if the glue's still holding by deflating the tires and trying to push them off the rim. Either way though, if you have no idea who glued them or how long ago you should not trust them. (Though the tire pressure is a lot of what holds a tubular tire to the rim, so you can still take them for a trial spin in the meantime as long as you're reasonably cautious. But bear in mind if the glue's not holding and you lose pressure the tire can roll off when you're cornering.)

I think those are fairly low-end tires, plus the base tape will probably not survive the removal process. So if you really want to do this tubular thing I'd get some new tires of good quality, like a Conti Sprinter, and keep the old ones as spares. (You will need a pre-stretched spare or two when you incur the inevitable puncture on your $50 tire that now needs to be surgically repaired.)

You will find the whole tubular thing an expensive and inconvenient proposition, but if you're curious about it then go for it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

babble on said...

Izzat book plug supposed to allude to that stoooopid fucking A4 challenge idiocy?! Please. Say it isn't so....

babble on said...

You've gotta love the tubular tires in a crit, for sure, but out here that's a $100 , three day, repair- if you do it yourself!! (Vittoria Corsa, of coursa!)

dancesonpedals said...

The wheels were stored with the tires deflated and the valves removed. I'll give them the once over, and if they don't peel off, I'll ride with the rear wheel, and see how it goes.

Thanks all.

N/A said...

Just wrap them shits in duct tape and pump away!

Keith said...

With so many bicycles in the fleet where is the ironic orange Julius?

Bryan said...

A bike Kacker sounds like someone who either jacks off on bikes or jacks off while riding down te street.

Pär N. said...

Hamax rain poncho: http://www.hamax.com/product-category/accessories/

BamaPhred said...

VeloJackring, is that something that is done in private, back-to-back, or in a circle? Sounds illegal in public.
Groups of bicycles could be classified as to where you live
Herd and stable in a rural area
Fleet and heated bike garage in suburbia
Swarm and hive in urban
I could go on, but everybody is throwing rotten vegetables at me by now.
Any bets on whether or not this is Friday for The Snob?

Spokey said...

Tire Iron Treatment at 10:51 PM

you're thinking of the lovely Uma starring in her first movie

N/A said...

I wonder if Uma would consider a Velojakr?

رضا رمضان said...



خدمات نقل الاثاث متعددة لدينا حيث يوجد لدينا خبرة في كيفية التعامل مع العملاء في تنفيذ اعمال فلدينا مدينة مكة افضل شركة نقل اثاث بمكة التي تتميز بالدقة في تنفيذ اعمال وتوصيل الاثاث من الباب لاننا نمتلك عمال متميزون في شركة نقل عفش بمكة فعليكم التواصل معنا من اجل الاستفادة من الخدمات التي نقدمها كل هذا ايضا تلاقه في مدينة الدمام من خلال التواصل مع شركة نقل اثاث بالدمام التي تمتلك فنين متميزين في اعمال الفك والتركيب كما لديها اسطول سيارات مجهز يساعدها علي الوصول الي منزلك الجديد فكل شئ يكون جاهز مع شركة نقل عفش بالدمام التي اثبتت انها نقل شركة لديها خبرة كبيرة في مجال نقل الاثاث
كما يوجد لدينا خبرة في خدمات نقل الاثاث بجدة من خلال
شركة نقل اثاث بجدة
شركة نقل عفش بجدة

RAGAB KAMAL said...


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شركة مكافحة حشرات بجازان
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شركة الصفرات لنقل الاثاث بالرياض
And safety and God's mercy and blessings
كما يوجد لدينا ايضا تنظيف المجالس والكنب والسجاد والموكيت باحدث الطرق الموجودة وافضل المواد التى تقضى البقع والاوساخ
شركة تنظيف مجالس وكنب بحائل
شركة تنظيف سجاد وموكيت بحائل
وكل هذا بانسب الاسعار واقل التكلفة ونحن نعمل فى خدماتكم 24ساعه



RAGAB KAMAL said...


بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم عميلنا العزيز نحن نقدم افضل خدمات تنظيف المجالس والشقق بافضل انواع التنظيفات المشهود لها عالميا
شركة تنظيف شقق بالطائف
شركة تنظيف مجالس بالطائف
شركة تنظيف شقق بجازان
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شركة تنظيف شقق بحائل
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ونحن فى خماتكم 24 ساعة على مدار الشهر