Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Not Your Father's BMX...Oh Wait Yes It Is.

First of all, further to yesterday's post, various Gran Fondon't participants commented to testify on behalf of the Toyota Matrix driver I pilloried therein.  Apparently the Matrix driver was not honking at us, and was instead honking at the Porsche driver.  Or something.

Inasmuch as I was at the front of the ride (owing both to my responsibilities as ride leader as well as my formidable climbing prowess), I admit I did not witness the genesis of the event, and therefore I will defer to those whose vantage point allowed them to watch it unfold in its entirety.  And if I did indeed mistakenly berate the Matrix driver, I'd like to apologize to him, as well as to Matrix drivers everywhere, assuming they are not assholes:



As for the Porsche driver, there seems to be unanimity in the opinion that he was a gigantic douchebag, so screw him.

Moving on, as you've probably heard by now, metal band Slayer (whose music is currently blasting out of roughly 2/3rds of the Toyota Matrices on the road today) have embarked upon a bicycle "collabo" with the BMX company Subrosa:


And in addition to both 20" and 26" BMX bikes, the new Slayer line will also include a 700c whatever-this-is:


As well as a balance bike:


Because apparently the amount of time it takes for a metal band to go from penning adulatory songs about Josef Mengele to co-branding bikes for toddlers is exactly 30 years.

This is not to impugn Slayer by any means, for they were just doing their job in an era when subjects such as Nazi war criminals, virgin sacrifices, serial killers, and good old-fashioned corpse-fuckers were very much in the zeitgeist.  See, you have to understand that the 1980s were a much quainter time, and there were still delicate sensibilities left to offend:


I also don't mean to impugn Slayer's embarking on a commercial venture with a bicycle company.  Indeed, I only want them to succeed, which is precisely why I'm so concerned.  Frankly, this smaks of a major marketing misfire.  Consider, for example, Subrosa brand manager Ryan Sher's comments regarding that 700c whatever-it-is, which carries the unfortunate moniker "Cradle to Grave:"


“And we love the Cradle to Grave concept,” Sher adds. “We want to create lifelong fans of our brand and lifelong fans of cycling. Once a kid gets on a BMX bike—sort of the dirty little brother of cycling—that’s the gateway into cycling. You’ll become a mountain biker, a road cyclist... so the theme starts and finishes your life on a bike.”

Those ellipses are very disturbing.  So you start with BMX, move on to mountain biking, then take up road cycling...and then you die?!?  Hey, I realize Slayer sing about death and stuff, but I don't think most people want to "finish their life on a bike."  Some of us want to at least survive well past the Fred phase.  We want to live long enough to covet Rivendells and Bromptons and lugged steel and touring bikes with a bunch of leather and canvas accessories and all that other stuff old people like.  Plus, if Slayer really wanted to push this "finish your life on a bike" concept, they'd sell a Slayer-branded trailer that doubles as a coffin:



That way when you're ready to finish your life you just crawl into it, launch the "Cradle to Grave" app, and Slayer Graveside Assistance comes to bury you alive in it.

Even better, with a Slayer line of recumbents, you wouldn't even have to climb into the trailer, and they could just bury you in situ:



Plus, by selling BMX bikes, is Slayer really tapping into their core market?  I mean look at them:


These guys are old and so are their fans.  Bassist and lead vocalist Tom Araya may have ridden BMX bikes as a kid, but the guy hasn't even been able to headbang for six years, and I'm willing to bet if he tried to straddle one of his own band's branded bikes he'd break a hip.

And sure, I know what you're thinking: "These bikes aren't for Slayer's aging fanbase, they're for their kids."  But do kids really want bikes branded with the music their deeply uncool Toyota Matrix-driving parents like?  Slayer formed in 1981, and their landmark album "Reign in Blood" is now 30 years old.  Thirty years old.  That's fucking ancient.  Look at it this way: I was deeply into BMX when I was 12 years old, and you know what rock album was 30 years old then?  "Rock Around the Clock."  And I can assure you there's no fucking way I would have ridden a Bill Haley and His Comets BMX back in 1985, no matter how badass my parents assured me it was.


("Raining blood, from a lacerated sky..."--Bill Haley and His Comets)

I'd have been way into a Slayer bike though...just like, if I'm to be totally honest, I'd probably be way into a Slayer folding bike today.  Their logo even looks kind of like a folded up Brompton:


A hand-chamfered Brooks with a pentagram burned into it and it's ready to go.

You're welcome, Slayer.

It could even come with a hand-painted denim Slayer smart jacket:


Imagine if you could control your phone and favourite mobile apps with a simple touch of a jacket sleeve while cycling along.

Science fiction? Maybe, but it's soon to be science fact in the shape of Levi’s Commuter Trucker jacket with Google’s Advanced Technologies and Projects (ATAP’s) Project Jacquard technology woven in.

Incidentally, if you're wondering how to pronounce "Jacquard," it rhymes with "Jack-Tard," which is the smart jacket equivalent of a "Glasshole."

Project Jacquard is designed to make it possible to weave touch and gesture interactivity into any textile using standard industrial looms. By combining thin metallic alloys together with more commonplace yarns like cotton or silk, the garment can almost invisibly add smart capabilities.

Incredible!  I can't wait for Project Jack-Tard.  Just think of the possibilities.  Indeed, it's only a matter of time before your KuKu Penthouse is equipped with a "smart chamois" which allows you to run through the functions of your "smart glasses" using only your scranus:



Just don't let your "smart jacket" wet, which shouldn't be a problem because nobody ever gets caught in the rain while riding:


"Detachable brains" indeed.

Soon you'll be able to say you left yours in your other pants.

88 comments:

cdinvb said...

I heard there's a bike blog around here. Podiodio.

N/A said...

Slayer concert postponed due to hip replacement surgery.

Anonymous said...

No it can't be. Top of the mark!

BamaPhred said...

Will I make the podium?

BamaPhred said...

Aggggghhhh, beaten by bike toss, falls to ground, beats chest with hands, sheds tears. No podium spot today

Anonymous said...

Are fixies back in style yet?

Can i use brakes and the freewheel and still be respected?

How does one choose wheel colors?

bad boy of the north said...

Everybody knows...never go full jack-tard.

Anonymous said...

Meh.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...


Not podio, but in the tennus...

vsk

Two Claws said...

Two Claws Up!

Top ten?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Top Tennis? Scranus!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, my scranus just sits there most of the time anyway, might as well put it to work.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Oh, Janinedm pictures... I have to get away from this firewall first.
What did you use? A Mobius camera? I have a few I use on drones and can set them to take pictures at various intervals.

Til lunch time ...

vsk

N/A said...

I really like that Wildcat's line, "We want to live long enough to covet Rivendells and... all that other stuff old people like." was right next to the sponsored linkway for Rivendell. I don't know if that was just fortuitous happenstance or the clever stylings of a semi-professional bike blogger, but it really enforces why BSNYC is top-tier and dregs like "Bicycling" will forever be an also-ran.

Anonymous said...

Even better, with a Slayer line of recumbents, you wouldn't even have to climb into the trailer, and they could just bury you in situ= funniest thing I have read in a long time!!!

even funnier is : (The top-of-the-line "Slay-cumbent Wermacht" model) good shit mr. snob!

crosspalms said...

I keep tapping my sleeve and saying "two to beam up," but nothing happens. Stupid jacket.

dnk said...

My Four Freshman bike is way more badass than Slayer.

Social Security Administration said...

Photograph would suggest that some of the members of Slayer will be riding in the coffin model soon.

A Day at the Gran Fondont said...

My Harpo Marx model bike came with a harp on the handlebar instead of a bell. Note, only available in black and white.

Eric the Infrequent said...

The fact that most of my bicycles are lugged steel is just a coinc... Oooh look at that canvas handlebar bag!

Awww crap. I'm old.

Hee Haw the Barista's freakish three handed aunt said...

FULL JACK TARD

Bryan said...

Detachable brains? Nah...more like detachable penis

MissedtheFondon't said...

So with the JackTard Jacket and the GoogleAss suppository, is it clench your sphincter once for yes, two for no? Instead of On Your Left the new greeting could be "GoogleAss, ring bell", clench once to confirm, Jacktard jacket plays bell sound thru built in speaker, this is making my head hurt......, what, my suppository needs to reboot? don't ask how that is done...

Paul Bowen said...

So a bike for toddlers that features, twice, a logo based on the eagle atop swastika motif, has already sold out. Nice.

Jean-Francois Caron said...

I think the Jacquard name is trying to allude to this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacquard_loom

hence the profusion of "weaving" and "disfigured child workers" in the language of the article.

leroy said...

Sorry I'm late. Wrong pants this morning. What did I miss?

Spokey said...


that jacket is stoopid.

a really smarty jacket would listen to me say "go to dunken donuts", steer my biek for me, and break when needed. i'd think it would pedal for me if i had that biek that allowed you to pedal with your hands as well as feet that snobbie posted about a couple weeks ago.

P. Bateman said...

Slayer Graveyard Assistance?

hell no! here come the Gravediggaz!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh-Nk3aV-yk

Anonymous said...

Laugh all you want but thanks to this blog, I discovered the Assos kuku penthouse bib shorts. They are a godsend for those of us with large packages. More support, supreme comfort, no more binding - they are simply awesome! If you purchase from an overseas retailer you can find them for approx. $200. Totally worth it for the heavy hung.

James said...

I would so buy a brooks with the slayer logo.

ASSOS Stealth PR Department said...

Anonymous @1:13: the check is in the mail.

Anonymous said...

I have no regrets about purchasing my "England Dan and John Ford Coley" model road bike. I use it on my recovery days.

leroy said...

Oh great. My dog saw the post about aging musicians.

Now he's added a cover to tonight's karaoke playlist:

"Old man, there's a place you can go,
I said, old man, when you're short on your dough,
You can join up, and I'm sure you will find,
Many ways to have a good time....

It's fun to be in the AARP
It's fun to be in the AARP...."

And of course, if I tell him and his buddies to pipe down, I'll hear a ton of "get off my lawn" jokes.

CommieCanuck said...

It's about time we cut the bullshit and pass laws to put Slayer beards on all children. I would not dream of riding without a beard at least to my chest. Please, think of the innocent children.

The Smith's Brothers would have lived to 100 were it not for their horrible addiction to menthol.

Anonymous said...

You can see why Californians think its easy not to get caught in the rain: it doesnt rain, which is why so much of the place it turning into a desert.

CommieCanuck said...

This is nothing new, my Motörhead fat bike, the "Ace of Spádês" has an outstanding Shimanö gröupset.

janinedm said...

"You can have a good meal
As long as it's before three
You can tell it will rain with your KNEES!"

goat legs said...

Smell Awaits... low hanging fruit... terrifying ellipses... TOP TEN!

Matt said...

As a kid I have to believe I'd have been quite stoked to ride a "Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass" Schwinn Stingray (which was only available on the 5 speed model). And I'd also think the Patsy Cline freestyle skateboard would also have been a huge hit with the under-12 crowd.

P. Bateman said...

@matt - if its a whipped cream bike and other delights...i'll take one too.

Spokey said...


i donated my ludwig van beethoven bike to pedallers for progress. i still have my francis scott key bike

Captain Oblivious said...

Speaking of musical sickles, it's Robert Allen Zimmerman's 75th today.

Captain Oblivious said...

ooops

The link - http://www.canvasgallery.com/MasterPic.cfm?MasterPic=master/BobDylanBicycle2014m034558__034558.jpg&ArtistsID=513

Dooth said...

Spent the weekend and yesterday crying over missing the Fondon't.
Megadeth is rolling out a Bike of Consequences. Cheers!

bad boy of the north said...

The smith brothers...trade and mark

bad boy of the north said...

Just learned that the smith bros.got their start just north of here.

1904 Cadardi said...

Where can I get a Bill Haley and The Comets bike? It must be vertically compliant to ride around the clock.

1904 Cadardi said...

Commie,

Grëät üsë öf ünnëssësärÿ ümläüts! Wëll dönë sïr!

leroy said...

You know, I would consider a bike from this band.

Frickus Rungus said...

Screw polite on-you-lefts or tinny little bells. I'm going to announce my presence to the other trail users by riding a loud bike playing slayer with the volume turned up to 11. Plus, I think people will dig the leopard print...

Freddy Murcks said...

You know what else rhymes with jacquard? Jack hard, which is apparently what those shit wipes were doing when they thought up Project Jacquard. I am betting that they even considered calling it Project Jack Hard, but they were worried that they might offend someone's delicate sensibilities. So instead they named it after a (possibly) obscure weaving technique.

Ric said...

You will never see Robert Allen Zimmerman on a fixie.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Freewheelin%27_Bob_Dylan

Roille Figners said...

-- heavy shit, please skip --

Just looked at the lyrics to Angel of Death (most of which I never understood before because they're too damn fast) and I don't see a single adulatory word. For example they don't say "...and boy was it awesome!" at the end of every line. Mind you they don't offer the comfy cushion of a "the Holocaust was terrible" disclaimer either. They basically make no moral statement good/bad whatsoever. Not because the Holocaust was awesome, but because it should be obvious. I mean really, you don't say? The Holocaust was terrible? Yes it was, it was a veritable holocaust.

Jeff Hanneman is actually on record with a quote about this: "I know why people misinterpret it – it's because they get this knee–jerk reaction to it. When they read the lyrics, there's nothing I put in the lyrics that says necessarily he was a bad man, because to me – well, isn't that obvious? I shouldn't have to tell you that."

Make up your own mind, he's saying. I don't know if I can quite express how much I appreciate being treated like an adult all of a sudden, by this one guy, in the middle of a paternalistic age of talking-heads, not the Byrne kind, who are always full of cheap platitudes for you to adhere to, that they don't even believe themselves. "The Holocaust was wrong" eh? Then why are you currently conducting one? "Torture is bad" and whatnot? Does that include gwa- gwa... how you say... gwan-TON-a-moe?

This one guy in one fell swoop rejects the whole idea that we (adults mind you) should take moral cues from a frigging metal band. And actually I think the neutral stance might be the only way to approach disturbing material in art (being charitable there), because saying it's great means you're a monster, and saying it's bad is just a cheap platitude from a talking-head.

Meanwhile those who think the Holocaust was awesome, already think that, and will find that idea expressed everywhere. You don't even need to look as far as Slayer to find the idea expressed - just look at Miley Cyrus and you'll see it.

Maybe the children's version can remind them the Holocaust was bad, and like, it's bad to torture people, except just make sure the kids never learn to say gwan-TON-a-moe.

Blog Drafter said...

Scheiße!

Sweeney Todd said...

CC: Boys want Slayer beards, girls want ZZ Top beards.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Roille, what the actual fuck? Who is currently conducting a holocaust?

ELEVEN MILLION human souls were lost to the Hitler killing machine, including about TWO THIRDS of the entire Jewish population of Europe.

Sure, there are (and always be) assorted "ethnic cleansings" in process throughout the globe, but please do not call them "the Holocaust." To do so acquits to them a scope and scale which they do not even begin to approach, and it cheapens and debases the memory of one of the most savage chapters in the recorded history of mankind.

Really, dude?

Klaus Barbie said...

Uh, oh. Things are going to get ugly now.

Arizona redneck said...

As usual, the poor paid for the crimes of the rich...
There's a certain ethnicity that's over represented in banking circles and we all know that bankers are devils...Ask any Messiah

Anonymous said...

Would a Dead Kennedys cobranded bike come with a chance to visit Cambodia with Anthony bourdain?

Klaus Fluoride not Barbie said...

Yes

Basil said...

Don't mention the war!

Anonymous said...

Jacquard is foulard shit. Isn't Isis killing anyone who's not them? Isn't Isis led by racial supremists? Isn't Isys the name of an awesome Bob Dylan song?

Paul Bowen said...

Roille, yes Angel of Death describes (some of) what happened in the holocaust and Im aware of the Slayer party line on the song, having read it when the album was released. But when you combine its lip-smacking lyrics with the group's adoption of an adaptation of the eagle atop swastika device as a logo (with Slayer where the swastika is usually placed) and the fact that Hanneman played for years with the SS logo on his guitar and the fact that the S in Slayer looks a lot like an S from the SS badge it's clear what they're doing is clearly signalling that they're Nazi sympathisers but in a deniable way that means they can still get mainstream coverage and distribution. They're disgusting. Great riffs tho.

geoff_tewierik said...

Is that LeVar Burton aka Geordi La Forge behind Tipper Gore in that pic?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Paul Bowen,

Well said.

Browse some photos of Jeff Hanneman and his guitars and it's pretty clear the guy thought Nazis were cool as shit.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BamaPhred said...

Somehow, Willie the Wimp and his recumbent coffin just doesn't sound right.
Bring back Recumbabe, with her head and shoulders sticking out of the recumbent coffin. With that expression, no one will know whether she is living, dead, or un-dead.
My father was in a command that liberated Dachau. I never knew until I read about it in some history books. Neither he nor mom would talk about it. Apparently they had to restrain the troops that actually got there first from summarily executing any non-inmate they could get their hands on. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

The Human Condition said...

Wishiwas @ 802 When it came to killing people no one topped J. Stalin, killed many more millions than AH.

Anonymous said...

People this is not the "History Channel" blog. This is a bike blog.

Respectfully,
Eric the Chamferer

wishiwasmerckx said...

The Human Condition, don't go there, girlfriend:

Though the numbers are not clear, what is obvious is that Islam is the greatest murder machine in history bar none, possibly exceeding 250 million dead.

Read more: http://www.americanthinker.com/2014/05/the_greatest_murder_machine_in_history.html#ixzz49gCzDQGV

Perhaps we had better turn our attention back to bike tires, pronto, no?

bad boy of the north said...

dive,dive.....ding ding ding....prepare to dive.

N/A said...

So, how's about that tire pressure, amirite? Woo boy. Much too high.

Patches O'Houlihan said...

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge.

Rip Torn has done more than pose for mug shots.

BamaPhred said...

Man, it's getting really humid and hot down here, and I'm not talking scranus.

BikeSnobNYC said...

wishiwasmerckx,

#whatdeathtollyourunning

--Wildcat Rock Machine

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well its Wednesday. I'm rolling out the Willie Nelson cruiser for a spin.

ken e. said...

"...if i have to come out of another god-damn uptempo number and talk about somebody's dog dying..."

Adam said...

"It looks like you're trying to ride a bicycle. Would you like some help? Stop fiddling with your clothes while you are on the highway you idiot, the handlebars are there for a reason, along with the brake handles."

Adam said...

@geoff_tewierik:
Seems so!
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tipper_Gore.jpg

Roille Figners said...

Well I didn't regret coming back as much as I thought I would.

A tip, the real Nazis nowadays don't conveniently wear a swastika for identification. Now I don't know a bunch about Slayer but I'd be willing to entertain the idea they were maybe just going for the shock value? Speaking of that, it's not like eating corpses and whatnot is super cool and okay imagery when you DON'T slap a swastika on it. But like I already said, I don't care what Slayer thinks. I don't care what any musician thinks, they're mostly pretty dumb and have been giving me bad advice for years!

WIWM you seem to be saying the sanctity of human life depends on scale. Like it's important and sanctified if you kill 11 million, but not if, through your interference and destabilization of legitimate sovereign governments worldwide, you kill

250,000 in Iraq

30,000 in Afghanistan

20,000 by ISIS

9,000 in Ukraine

On and on with these examples... all US creations. What about back home? Let's ballpark it at 350,000 in the USA since the year 2000 in the white, aged 45-55 demographic, whose suicide and overdose (a.k.a. despair) death rates have climbed to about 60,000 annually while declining in all other groups. They call them "<a href="https://morecrows.wordpress.com/2016/05/10/unnecessariat/>the Unnecessariat</a>." And I'm not even trying to quantify the deep-rooted systemic stuff like racism, or the fraudulent health "care" racket.

That's the holocaust I'm talking about. But no, it's not 11 million. Therefore those people can go fuck themselves! Cuz don't you dare cheapen and debase the holocaust! Seems to me you're the one cheapening and debasing when you blithely say "...there are (and always be) assorted 'ethnic cleansings' in process throughout the globe" like it's some inevitable-but-tolerable thing, like a late train or some sprinkles and you didn't bring your raincoat.

Roille Figners said...

hey wha happen

the Unnecessariat

Forgot to ask, since we're cheapening and debasing humans by way of numbers, how many deaths qualifies as a holocaust? (BTW I said "a holocaust" not "the Holocaust" and you forgot the capital H when you misquoted me.) 11,000,000? 10,999,999?

bradsicle said...

I can die now. I made it to Bike Snob. That's my rolling stand-up bass coffin!

geoff_tewierik said...

Thanks @Adam, happy to know I can still recognise and name someone from the ancient past of my TV viewing.

Roille Figners said...

Paul Bowen - gotta say I like the idea of that particular party line a lot. Which is probably why it makes a good party line. Does it match what they're really thinking? You 'n' the snobster are saying probably not, but it's not knowable for sure without reading minds. Meanwhile goddamn it feels good to decide for myself what *I* think and not worry what the fuck they think.

Arizona redneck said...

We always knew New Yorkers were closet Israelis...Haw!

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Anonymous said...

So we all agree ? Killing people bad. Not killing people good. Riding bikes and not killing people better.

Ok?

Adam said...

Man, the way you write is hilarious, Ive never read anything like it, keep up the good work.

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