Not Your Father's BMX...Oh Wait Yes It Is.

First of all, further to yesterday's post, various Gran Fondon't participants commented to testify on behalf of the Toyota Matrix driver I pilloried therein.  Apparently the Matrix driver was not honking at us, and was instead honking at the Porsche driver.  Or something.

Inasmuch as I was at the front of the ride (owing both to my responsibilities as ride leader as well as my formidable climbing prowess), I admit I did not witness the genesis of the event, and therefore I will defer to those whose vantage point allowed them to watch it unfold in its entirety.  And if I did indeed mistakenly berate the Matrix driver, I'd like to apologize to him, as well as to Matrix drivers everywhere, assuming they are not assholes:

(A Matrix)

As for the Porsche driver, there seems to be unanimity in the opinion that he was a gigantic douchebag, so screw him.

Moving on, as you've probably heard by now, metal band Slayer (whose music is currently blasting out of roughly 2/3rds of the Toyota Matrices on the road today) have embarked upon a bicycle "collabo" with the BMX company Subrosa:

And in addition to both 20" and 26" BMX bikes, the new Slayer line will also include a 700c whatever-this-is:

As well as a balance bike:

Because apparently the amount of time it takes for a metal band to go from penning adulatory songs about Josef Mengele to co-branding bikes for toddlers is exactly 30 years.

This is not to impugn Slayer by any means, for they were just doing their job in an era when subjects such as Nazi war criminals, virgin sacrifices, serial killers, and good old-fashioned corpse-fuckers were very much in the zeitgeist.  See, you have to understand that the 1980s were a much quainter time, and there were still delicate sensibilities left to offend:

I also don't mean to impugn Slayer's embarking on a commercial venture with a bicycle company.  Indeed, I only want them to succeed, which is precisely why I'm so concerned.  Frankly, this smaks of a major marketing misfire.  Consider, for example, Subrosa brand manager Ryan Sher's comments regarding that 700c whatever-it-is, which carries the unfortunate moniker "Cradle to Grave:"

“And we love the Cradle to Grave concept,” Sher adds. “We want to create lifelong fans of our brand and lifelong fans of cycling. Once a kid gets on a BMX bike—sort of the dirty little brother of cycling—that’s the gateway into cycling. You’ll become a mountain biker, a road cyclist... so the theme starts and finishes your life on a bike.”

Those ellipses are very disturbing.  So you start with BMX, move on to mountain biking, then take up road cycling...and then you die?!?  Hey, I realize Slayer sing about death and stuff, but I don't think most people want to "finish their life on a bike."  Some of us want to at least survive well past the Fred phase.  We want to live long enough to covet Rivendells and Bromptons and lugged steel and touring bikes with a bunch of leather and canvas accessories and all that other stuff old people like.  Plus, if Slayer really wanted to push this "finish your life on a bike" concept, they'd sell a Slayer-branded trailer that doubles as a coffin:

(Now that's cradle-to-grave.)

That way when you're ready to finish your life you just crawl into it, launch the "Cradle to Grave" app, and Slayer Graveside Assistance comes to bury you alive in it.

Even better, with a Slayer line of recumbents, you wouldn't even have to climb into the trailer, and they could just bury you in situ:

(The top-of-the-line "Slay-cumbent Wermacht" model)

Plus, by selling BMX bikes, is Slayer really tapping into their core market?  I mean look at them:

These guys are old and so are their fans.  Bassist and lead vocalist Tom Araya may have ridden BMX bikes as a kid, but the guy hasn't even been able to headbang for six years, and I'm willing to bet if he tried to straddle one of his own band's branded bikes he'd break a hip.

And sure, I know what you're thinking: "These bikes aren't for Slayer's aging fanbase, they're for their kids."  But do kids really want bikes branded with the music their deeply uncool Toyota Matrix-driving parents like?  Slayer formed in 1981, and their landmark album "Reign in Blood" is now 30 years old.  Thirty years old.  That's fucking ancient.  Look at it this way: I was deeply into BMX when I was 12 years old, and you know what rock album was 30 years old then?  "Rock Around the Clock."  And I can assure you there's no fucking way I would have ridden a Bill Haley and His Comets BMX back in 1985, no matter how badass my parents assured me it was.

("Raining blood, from a lacerated sky..."--Bill Haley and His Comets)

I'd have been way into a Slayer bike though...just like, if I'm to be totally honest, I'd probably be way into a Slayer folding bike today.  Their logo even looks kind of like a folded up Brompton:

A hand-chamfered Brooks with a pentagram burned into it and it's ready to go.

You're welcome, Slayer.

It could even come with a hand-painted denim Slayer smart jacket:

Imagine if you could control your phone and favourite mobile apps with a simple touch of a jacket sleeve while cycling along.

Science fiction? Maybe, but it's soon to be science fact in the shape of Levi’s Commuter Trucker jacket with Google’s Advanced Technologies and Projects (ATAP’s) Project Jacquard technology woven in.

Incidentally, if you're wondering how to pronounce "Jacquard," it rhymes with "Jack-Tard," which is the smart jacket equivalent of a "Glasshole."

Project Jacquard is designed to make it possible to weave touch and gesture interactivity into any textile using standard industrial looms. By combining thin metallic alloys together with more commonplace yarns like cotton or silk, the garment can almost invisibly add smart capabilities.

Incredible!  I can't wait for Project Jack-Tard.  Just think of the possibilities.  Indeed, it's only a matter of time before your KuKu Penthouse is equipped with a "smart chamois" which allows you to run through the functions of your "smart glasses" using only your scranus:

(With scranus-activated smart chamois capability you'll finally be able to put that finger back up your nose.)

Just don't let your "smart jacket" wet, which shouldn't be a problem because nobody ever gets caught in the rain while riding:

"Detachable brains" indeed.

Soon you'll be able to say you left yours in your other pants.