Ahoy There, Water Fred!

Owing to the government shutdown, I am not able to use the letter "Q" today, so I hope you will bear with me.

If it's any consolation, just think of it as democracy in action.

***UPDATE***

I just got word that I can use the letter "Q," but I just won't get paid for it.

Crisis averted.

Speaking of municipal matters, there's a movement afoot to put a bike path on the Verrazzanno Vezrazano that bridge between Brooklyn and Staten Island that costs like $175:

Which I only mention for one reason:

Have you ever rode your bicycle around the neighborhood and wished that someone had designed a route that would let you ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop? Well, crazy exercise person, your dreams are one step closer to reality as the Harbor Ring Committee has published the Harbor Ring map, and the only piece of the puzzle still missing in a bike lane connecting Brooklyn and Staten Island.

I don't care much about the grammers, but "have you ever rode?"  That's like saying, "Have you ever did mescaline?"  (I hasn't.)  Look, I'm sure the Bensonhurst Bean is under tremendous pressure to keep traditional Brooklynese alive in the face of rampant gentrification, but I expect more from a newspaper named after a legume.

As for the actual question, which is whether I've ever wished to "ride around the city, the boroughs and parts of New Jersey in a single, all-encompassing loop," I'll admit a bicycle slog through a densely populated and heavily industrialized metropolitan area is certainly an item on my bucket list, right above flossing a cat's teeth and right below camping out in JFK airport for two weeks.

Still, I'm certainly in favor of the bike lane, though I'd imagine many Staten Islanders will oppose it, if only because gentrifiers are extremely fond of places that are both vulnerable to hurricanes and inconvenient to the rest of the city unless you're traveling by bicycle (Red Hook, Fort Tilden, and so forth), so if they can ride their Linuses over the span of the "Big V" it's only a matter of time before Richmond County falls to them like a hand-carved artisanal domino.

Speaking of crossing large bodies of water by bicycle, a reader informs me that a man has ridden his bicycle across the San Francisco Bay:

See that?  They don't need to put a bike lane on the Verrazano at all!

Schiller, a designer by trade, found a few small manufacturers that made floating kits that would allow any bicycle to snap in.  He said the inflatable attachments he used Friday, which can be carried in a small bag, came from Italy and cost about $1,000.

Yeah, sounds like something a designer would do.  Also, when asked why he didn't simply use a small boat and place his bicycle inside, he simply responded with a blank stare, and then softly farted.

On the Oakland side of the bay, it took Schiller less than 10 minutes to transform his road bike into a water bike.  He wore a T-shirt, board shorts and a flotation device, but no helmet.

They guy riding his bicycle on water wasn't wearing a helment?!?  Hopefully next time the Chronicle reports on a cyclist getting hit by a car they'll go out of their way to mention whether or not he was wearing a flotation device.  In fact, if they're going to go interjecting random details, I think whenever they mention anybody in an article, no matter what they're doing, the reporter should specify whether or not they are secreting a live gerbil in their anal cavity:

Speaking of safety matters and anal play, it looks like New Yorkers will finally get more protection from deadly drivers:

Just kidding, we're all fucked in the "gerbil hutch":

"There's a lot of case law that has developed around the issue of whether or not vehicle accidents can be subject to criminal action," NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito explained. "The DA is a critical part in this. They will be able to tell us whether or not the case is prosecutable under a lot of case law that is developed separate of the penal law."

Vallone asked Petito if she could sum up that case law.

"I'm not an expert, but I know that there is a lot of case law about how many traffic violations have to be associated with an action before vehicular manslaughter is charged," Petito said. "I apologize, I don't know this area of law at all."

Wow.  So the NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner doesn't "know this area of law at all?"  Was this actually a joint hearing, or was it a reenactment of that "Seinfeld" episode where George is trying to get fired from the Yankees?

We are so deeply fucked.

But at least she apologized.

By the way, on the way home from the hearing NYPD Legal Affairs Assistant Commissioner Susan Petito mistook the gas for the brake and ran over fifteen pregnant women as they left a prenatal yoga class in Park Slope.

No criminality suspected, of course--though in this case, given her demonstrable lack of mental acuity, I'm inclined to believe she's actually capable of the mistake.

Lastly, in Brooklyn Heights, commenter and dog enthusiast Leroy spotted this bold Citi Bike "dockblock:"

Adjustable stems and suspension forks should really be mutually exclusive, and if your bike has both you should be asking yourself some serious questions, such as: "Who am I?"; "Why am I so uncomfortable?"; and "Where is the nearest recumbent store?"

Just don't get a recumbent that's too recumbent, or else you might not be able to see over your own paunch:

(On a low-profile recumbent, unobscured over-the-gut sight lines are essential.)

The same goes for women of ample chestitude:

(Optimal recumbent setup; nipples not in field of vision.)

This is important information that can save your life, and I'm giving it to you for free, so you're welcome.