"Monday Monday, Da-Da-Da-Daaahh..."

Last week, I said this:

Or maybe an ostrich with its head up someone's ass would be the perfect marriage of the two, but I don't have the time or the graphic imaging skills, or the means and animal husbanding abilities to set up the actual shot.

Which prompted "BKJimmy" to make this:

(Yes, those are The Panties.)

As far as I'm concerned that's all I should really need to post today (or arguably this whole week), but for some reason I'm going to continue anyway.

So, to continue anyway:

Further to last Friday's post, I was surprised to learn that after somebody gets killed by a car it's technically possible for the police to actually figure out what happened:

(Via Twitter)

Unfortunately, it costs $13,000 a pop, which is way more than a human life is worth here in Canada's hemorhhoid:

Marco Gehlen, a Hague police traffic investigator, said real-life accident reenactments are required for every bike fatality or serious injury. In the case of high-speed crashes, the effort is outsourced to a company in Germany, which videotapes the test crashes with slow-motion cameras. The service costs the Hague police more than $13,000 for each case.

Yeah, there's no way a human is worth almost as much as a Toyota Yaris.  Here's the current exchange rate we're enjoying:

(One Human Life = 1.5 iPhones)

Admittedly, until recently a human life was worth a couple more iPhones, but, you know, then the new one came out.  And it's gold.

Also, in certain parts of America where they believe strongly in "Jesus," people do refuse to measure human life in iPhones, but only just as long as the human is unborn.  Postnatally, the value of the human drops precipitously, sort of like the moment you drive that new Hyundai off the lot.

By the way, it's worth noting that iPhones have only existed for about six years and are already equipped with all sorts of technology to aid law enforcement.  Meanwhile, cars have been around for well over a hundred years and they still don't have shit to record the actions of all the assholes who use them to kill.

Then again, this is America.  We don't go in for socialist nonsense like spending taxpayer money to find out why our taxpayers are dying.  It's way cheaper to simply tell cyclists they should wear a helment and then to fine them for stuff like failing to put both feet on the ground and reciting the alphabet backwards and forwards before rolling again at that stop sign.  In fact, it's even profitable thanks to the fines--which are ridiculously high because we fine the cyclists just as much as the drivers, even though a typical city bike weighs about the same as a driver's Slurpee.

I mean seriously, listen to these idiots:

The criminal prosecution in the case also came quickly, and under rules of evidence very different from those common to American courts. The truck driver was charged within days and a year later received the maximum sentence of 240 hours of community service and a provisional sentence of two months in prison. His driver’s license was revoked for 18 months.

It wasn’t a particularly harsh sentence, and community members said it didn’t need to be. But, they say, it was important for a person to be held responsible under the law. And under Dutch law there was no doubt who that person would be.

Charged and sentenced, just for killing a kid on a bike?  No wonder they lost their empire:

In your face, you stupid Dutchbags!

(Well, I suppose the people who renamed it "New York" lost their empire too, but at least they've still got Canada.)

And here's some more Hollandaise crazy talk:

“It’s a deadly weapon, the car. So it’s good to protect those who are most vulnerable,” he said.

It’s an attitude reflected by police officers like Constable Tommy Hamelink, head of the Hague police bicycle unit, who admitted he is half-hearted about ticketing bike riders for gliding through red lights or drunk cycling.

Instead, he said, police focus on the issues they believe most help people avoid accidents: Putting lights on bicycles and encouraging cyclists not to ride in the blind spot of large trucks or buses.

You're not going to get a job on the NYPD with that attitude, pal.  That kind of enforcement may work in Europe's Nether regions, but here in America where 6.3 pedestrians are killed by bicyclists every year we need to crack down hard.

Still, you'd think maybe American police forces might be tempted by the opportunity to conduct awesome crash reenactments with dummies:

Sure, a helment may not have saved that cyclist's life, but at least it would have neatly contained his head after it was severed by the windshield.  Speaking of the windshield, I was amused to note that the wipers start going as soon as the body hits.  Must be one of those moisture-sensing models.

What will those Euros think of next?

Closer to home, not too long ago riders were being jumped for their bikes here on the Hudson River Greenway, and here's yet another chilling reminder to be very careful there no matter what you're doing:

Here's how the NYPD described the incident, which occurred just after 9 a.m., as an attempted rape: The NYPD received 911 calls about a woman who was attacked on the bike path near the Henry Hudson Parkway in the park. When police arrived, they found the victim, who said she had been pushing her stroller when a man called out to her from behind. The man approached her with a broken bottle and then struggled with her.

They fell to the ground—the stroller was knocked down, too—and the woman defended herself with a bicycle pump by beating him on the right side of his head causing a laceration. The suspect fled.

It's also yet another reason why CO2 inflators suck.

By the way, via the same source and in the same (general) area, here's just another day on the Henry Hudson Parkway.

If there's anything more American than a blood feud between an outlaw motorcycle gang and a person driving a Range Rover then I'd like to see it.

Actually, I don't think I would.

Anyway, sometimes I look at the state of New York City cycling and just think to myself, "Why bother?"  Consider this, for example:



I don't know what's more depressing: paying for someone to give you a tour of overdeveloped gentrification hell, or the fact that people are afraid to approach bicycles without first donning Grey Helments of Shame:

Interestingly, this tour promises to deliver an "authentic North Brooklyn bike experience," and it's worth noting that until relatively recently that would have involved having to fight off an attacker on the Williamsburg Bridge with your bicycle pump.

But you can rest assured that your friends and family back home don't need to worry about you now (vehicular assault aside, of course):

"Hi, Mom?  Yeah, I'm totally in Williamsburg.  No, actually it just looks like Cleveland with more assholes."

And you'll even get to see the "impressive street art in Bushwick:"

"So yeah, you see this?  Someone with an MFA invented a name for himself and spraypainted it on a warehouse in pretty colors."

Yeah, okay.  You wanna see some art, you rubes?  Here you go:

"Sistine Chapel" my sranus.

Best of all though is that you'll get to ride en masse on the sidewalk!

After which you'll enjoy the quintessentially New York experience of being on the receiving end of a criminal summons.

Maybe while you're in jail you'll get to meet the next Banksy.

You know what else isn't worth saving?  Pro cycling:

Yes, the sport that has been all about cheating ever since the invention of the safety bicycle is now suddenly and completely throbbing with integrity:

The Englishman promised to herald in a new era underscored by transparency, cooperation, and the pledge of rebuilding the sullied image of a sport racked by decades of doping scandals.

Hilarious!

And do they seriously use a lucite box for the balloting?

Doesn't seem very laterally stiff or vertically compliant.  Seems like crabon would be more appropriate.

Anyway, if Cookson guy is really worth anything he'll clean up the sport by eliminating every single discipline besides artistic cycling.  I mean, I'm sure there's a way to dope for artistic cycling, and I'm sure at least some of them do, but does anybody really care?  After all, it is "artistic," and drugs are the glue that holds the lucite box that is the art world together.  Does anybody get mad that William S. Burroughs was a junkie?  So yeah, sorry, but if you want to keep riding your bike for money you're going to have to get with the program and learn how to do this:


Because those wheelies ain't gonna cut it anymore, fancypants: