Friday, September 14, 2012

BSNYC Friday Fung Quiz!

The idiot who writes this blog and Hamilton, Ontario: taken by themselves they're exciting enough, but when you put them together they're nothing less than incendiary.  It's like combining milk and Ovaltine, or bottled water and tap water, or really any two everyday items that remain completely unremarkable when combined.  As I mentioned on Monday, I'll be engaging in the art of "interpretive douchery" at McMaster University on September 27th and 28th, and as the schedule continues to evolve I can assure you that it will be a rollicking two days of Canadian-style smuggery.  Here's that Facebook page again, which as far as I can tell still contains very little information, and I'll continue to update you as the date draws nearer.

Also, the submission deadline for the Half-Assed Biomega Folding Bike Giveaway Contest came and went this morning at 12:01AM, so if you're one of the people who continue to send me submissions I implore you to STOP IMMEDIATELY.  At this point my plan is to announce a winner on Monday, and that winner will probably be chosen arbitrarily by me and with no input from you, the readers.  All I know right now is, whatever happens, by next week someone's going to win a bike with a cable for a downtube, and the world will be a better place for it.

Moreover, the Biomega Whatever Contest will dovetail into a cockpit contest, which will be the second one ever and the first one since 2010, a year which saw the running of the history-making First Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award.  I'll announce this second "Cock-Off" officially next week, but you can consider this bit of advance notice to be what they call in the restaurant industry a "soft opening."  Basically, people will submit pictures of wacky cockpits and the best ones will win lighting solutions from Australian bikey stuff purveyor Knog.  And the world will be a better place for it.

Moving on, a reader sent me the following photo of the front page of something called The Washington Examiner:

(I guess they're trying to get bought out by News Corp.)

The juxtaposition of the provocative headline with the riot photo implies that Washington, DC is on the verge of chaos and bloodshed, though the actual article is more or less even-handed (for a tabloid) and also dull enough to be sleep-inducing.

Meanwhile, the New York Times seems to have dropped their long-overdue murderous driver coverage in favor of stories about aging motorcyclists who ride trikes:

Unsurprisingly, indulging baby boomers and their insatiable desire for luxurious rebellion has proven to be a profitable enterprise:

Industry experts say the sale of tens of thousands of trikes, whose sticker prices can rival an upscale sedan’s — a new three-wheeled Harley starts at $30,999 — has helped buoy a slumping industry and kept a generation of born-to-run riders on the roads.

“The baby boomers are getting older, man,” said Steve Stirewalt, a lifelong rider and motorcycle dealer known as Fat Daddy by his friends. “People riding all their lives don’t want to stop just because of bad knees, or bad eyes, or diabetes or something. They want to keep rocking.”

I wonder if "Fat Daddy" also sprang for the integrated glucose meter, man.

In any case, I'm not sure why riding around on a trike is any different than driving a convertible (apart from the fact that you can't put up the roof when it rains) but I guess the latter doesn't allow people to join clubs and give themselves nicknames.  It also prevents them from "stiffening up:"

Alex Ross, a k a Iceman, chief executive of the nonprofit trike group Brothers of the Third Wheel, said three-wheelers offered all sorts of advantages, including the comfort and padding to allow drivers to go longer distances without stiffening up.

“My wife goes to sleep as soon as we start traveling,” he said.

Yet ironically they do have to take a blue pill in order to "stiffen up" again once they get to the motel.  By the way, I have a feeling that travel isn't the only thing that puts Iceman's wife to sleep these days, and after decades of marriage she probably nods off as soon as he starts pretty much anything, including sex, conversation, and their nightly viewing of the movie "Wild Hogs."  Still, I don't begrudge these good people their enjoyment, and there's certainly nothing more American than retirees with names like Fat Daddy and Iceman farting around the country on $30,000 motorized tricycles.

In fact, reading that article made me realize that if people are willing to buy three-wheeled motorcycles that they'd probably also buy two-wheeled unicycles, but then a reader informed me I've been beaten to it:

Though that's not nearly as bad as this, which was forwarded to me by another reader:

If he were a true unicyclist he'd be pushing a stroller with only one wheel.

And now, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz.  As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer.  If you're right that's fantastic, and if you're wrong you'll see what America is all about.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and wave to unicycles and trikes.

--Wildcat Rock Machine (President of the Coral Gables chapter of the Hell's Tricyclists)

(Alberto Contador, the David Copperfield of unsettling finger gestures.)

1) Alberto Contador has now won seven Grand Tours:

--In his mind
--In a span of three years
--Without winning a single stage
--All while wearing the same unwashed pair of lucky bib shorts

2) In a horrific act of cannibalism, dual Toronto mayors Robs Fords devoured an entire human baby.



3) DNA evidence reveals that Neanderthals had "horny papillae," or penis spines.


(Fucking fascist.)

4) In Portland, the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a symbol of:

--Thrifty deliciousness
--Wholesome nourishment
--"White privilege"

(Noseless saddle on a folding bike: the ultimate in both theft-deterrence and date-deterrence.)

5) According to the "Lifehacker" website, to prevent your saddle from getting stolen you should:

--Install a theft-proof binder bolt
--Secure the saddle rails to the bicycle frame with a piece of drive chain
--Take the saddle along with you when you park the bike
--Put a piece of tape on it

6) The blind man hit by a cyclist in Central Park is:

--Pushing for mandatory bicycle licensing, registration, and insurance
--Calling for a statewide ban on fixed-gear bicycles
--Suing New York City for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act by not ticketing enough cyclists
--Facing criminal charges for not wearing a helment while walking

(Plaid.  Shorts.  That's a good spondee.)

7) Gentrification and pretense collided yesterday afternoon when musician and cycling advocate David Byrne hit novelist Martin Amis while riding his bicycle to a reading at an independent bookstore in Brooklyn.


***Special Child Bicycle Safety-Themed Bonus Question***

According to retailer REI, children should wear a "helment" while riding in a bicycle seat.  Where can you purchase one of these "helments?"

--Toys "R" US
--REI, of course


RB1 said...

really ?

babble on said...

Hoooooooray! Friday!!

Anonymous said...



McFly said...

Why the late posts? Is your wife ovulating and you are busy trying to fertilizer her egg with your weak spawn?

theEel said...


Anonymous said...


wishiwasmerckx said...

Damn, fucked out of the podium. I saw zero comments, but when I typed my victory message and hit "send," I got an error message...oh,well. I guess it's like a mis-shift just as you come around the last person in your lead-out train with the finish line in easy reach.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Made it

Anonymous said...

Those scientists better check their hypotenuses

Anonymous said...

To spondee or not to spondee that is the question.

Anonymous said...

Hi Chad !

Anonymous said...

And Brian

singlespeedwaster said...

Read it? Like Jesse Ventura said in Predator, "I don't have time to read."

Russ Griswall said...

I believe you dad. Do you think mom will buy it.

Anonymous said...


le Correcteur said...

Top twenny! And it's read! Quiz, too.
On a roll this week; up in the rankings.

g said...

"...don’t want to stop just because of bad knees, or bad eyes,"

I don't give a shit how many wheels you have, you should stop riding if you can't fucking see!

Anonymous said...

Holy shit, what a good week Wildcat.

On a roll.

and I lol'd

Anonymous said...

Holy fucking creepy dudes on that girl's Rob Ford video. Yeesh!

Mark E. Smith said...

Those Gothamist comments are priceless!

Anonymous said...

I love REI; it looks like the copywriter reads the blog.

I also love Toronto, where some of my extended family live.

Check it OOT if you can, Wildcat.

Anonymous said...

Is that really a unicycle with extra bits? What a stupid fucking idea.

hey nonny mouse

wishiwasmerckx said...

Russ, If i get to slap around Beverly Deangelo's sizable droopers, I don't care whether she believes me or not.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thanks alot, Snob. As if getting old, bald and fat wasn't trouble enough, now I have to worry about the genetic adequacy of my penile spinosity?

leroy said...

Well now honsetly, the guy suing NYC for not ticketing enough cyclists in Central Park has an unfair advantage.

Justice is blind.

In other news yesterday, a motorist performing a U-Turn on Coney Island Avenue knocked over a cyclist before careening into a fifty foot deep construction site.

No word on whether the cyclist was ticketed -- yet, but given that the standard defense to running over a cyclist or pedestrian is "I didn't see him," it seems that folks with limited eyesight are already fully accomodated on NYC streets.

Ride safe all!

(And remember, in NYC, if a motorist doesn't see something, say something. Just don't say it too loudly. Drivers can be grumpy when woken up suddenly.)

babble on said...

Remember that a rollicking two days of Canadian-style smuggery by definition includes lots of head.

On yer beer, that is...

And for the Cock-off... does it have to be a picture of a cock-pit? Surely your creative readers will be given a certain amount of artistic license?

The whole world in on the verge of chaos and bloodshed, except, perhaps for the state of Washington. This naturally leads one to wonder...If fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity, what are we going to do about all the bad blood between us?

babble on said...

is. the world is on the verge....

A Little Dab will do Ya! said...

An entire post without one mention of the Brycream Spokesperson of Italy M. Cipo. Sad.

McFly said...

There is a guy, George Bevier, that runs around Paris, Tn on a moped and is LEGALLY BLIND. I used to sell him hardware and junk and he would get his eyes like 1 1/2" inches from his palm to count his change. We strapped 15 10 foot sticks of 3/4" PVC pipe to that bitch one day and he rode off flapping and a bouncing. True story.

Pervy Pervison said...

How much do you charge for someone to lick your freakishly sexy legs? Is there a discount for both?

Anonymous said...

g--I wish there was a LIKE button for comments. Right on!

For some reason, watching Medicine Mike has me singing Hungry Like the Wolf.

Edward said...

Anyone get to the end where that chick said "I WATCH YOU FROM BETWEEN THE SHELVESH" ?

Jim Romney said...

Justice Is blind, good one Leroy. Your dog come up with that one? Where'd he go?

How does the excuse of the cyclist that hit the blind jogger "my gears jammed" rate? So his gears control the brakes and Cock-pit too? Probably has a cable for a downtube as well.

That unicyclist is gonna die, cuz he ain't been to REI.

Anonymous said...

In my mind, I'm TOP TEN!!!!

babble on said...

erm... state of Washington v District of Columbia. Looks like I'm rather Romneyish today... Say it first, check the facts later.

babble on said...

Dear Pervy Pervison,

That depends on whether or not you can lick both at the same time.


Anonymous said...

Is the rumor true?

The winner of the Cock-pit contest gets a full brazilian wax job administered by Babble On?

Pervy Pervison said...

My current relationship status is:


B)In a relationship

C) Holds girls' hand and ejaculates in pants

D)Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnddd back to single.

Cipo said...

Make your wives ugly or I might steal them.
Well, not too ugly, you still want to love your wives. Or if you're like me, other people's wives.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Gentrification and pretense collide...KA-DOUCHE!

Reggie said...

"Unsurprisingly, indulging baby boomers and their insatiable desire for luxurious rebellion has proven to be a profitable enterprise"

That, Wildcat Rock Machine, is the line of the year. Or maybe the line of the last 50+ years. Truer words have never been spoken.

babble on said...

Then the winner will have to decide...

Is it better to be Bushy or is it best Bare?

Anonymous said...

Pervy Perversion:

Last week I saw a film.
As I recall, it was a horror film...

Anonymous said...

...and I jizzed in my pants!

McFly said...

We covered this. It depends on the um.....physically genetic structure of the believe you know what I mean. MORE OVALTINE PLEASE!

Also, in other news, sex.

babble on said...

Dearest McFly,

I went to bed waaaaaaaaaaay too late last night, and besides, even on a good day, I can't remember what happened before breakfast.

Please. Draw a picture for me.


babble on said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McFly said...

(sigh) A woman needs a certain type of vajayjay before she can go full aero streamline. There, I said it. Vajayjay. Are you happy? Now I have to go rub one out in the salary restroom(the one with the good lock) so I can remained focus on the chest of REST of my day.


JB said...

McFly: Let's hear about these "types."

leroy said...

Jim Romney --

My dog has been singing that annoying Rebecca Black "It's Friday" song all morning just to irk me.

If you see him, make sure you tell him you're not related to Mitt Romney.

Otherwisem, he'll start singing that new Devo song about Seamus the Irish Setter.

And trust me, no one wants that.

leroy said...

Oh great, now I've done it.

My dog is singing "Don't Roof Rack Me Bro."

Oh well, could be worse.

I can't think how, but I'm sure it could.

babble on said...

You've got my attention now, McFly. Is this a functional distinction or an aesthetic one? Just askin' cause in my experience they tend to clean up rather nicely...

Uh... and what about all the guys out there? We can't simply assume that a gal is going to win the Cock-off, can we? I mean, what happens if Leroy's dog wins?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Does that No!No! thing I saw on tv really work?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I'm a little curious about these "types" too since my experience has been rather limited.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I'm never going to a library again... ever.

babble on said...

Looks like we'll have to send someone into the salary restroom (the one with the good lock) to rescue McFly...

Anonymous said...

Ladies, try

You are welcome.

McFly said...

WHEW!(wipes forehead) Remember when restrooms used to be for pooping and junk instead of sexting your wife? Well...not YOUR wife.

The vajayjay can be best broken down (heehee) into 2 types(3 if you have ever dated a girl from Benton County) and without getting too graphic(which is what you fiends REALLY want) I will put it in terms of belly-buttons(where I thought sex happened until I was 19). There is an "inny" and an "outy". The inny looks like a beautiful delicious meat taco and does not have to be garnished with pubes unlike the more complicated outy, which kind of needs a tophat to offset its open-faced roast beef sandwich exquisidness.

JB said...

McFly: That's, just like, your opinion, man.

I thought you meant certain women physically couldn't, which had me thinking, about stuff, and things.

McBieb said...

*takes shirt off*


Dooth said...


McFly said...

Your right. What do I know. I will never forget one time(being all smooth)I asked a girl if the "carpet matched the drapes" and she said "Oh no I ripped the carpet up a longtime ago."

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:52,
You sir, have some explaining to do. That's an oddly specific pornographic site.

Jim Romney said...


Boy does your dog have bad taste in music (and I mean that in a mean way), and I thought the call me maybe song was irritating.

Oh, we Romneys are all related somehow, be it either by Mormonism, Catholicism, or the most common Carelessism.

For the record I told dear old Mitt not to put the dog on top, but he told me HIS dog said he liked he view from up there - and there's a perfect doggy-style joke setup for the others that like talking Vajajays and stuff on here, the cunts.

leroy said...

Jim --

That's the problem. My dog doesn't like Rebecca Black. He just sings "It's Friday" to be annoying.

At least "Don't Roof Rack Me Bro" is topical.

Anonymous said...

Thoughtful explanation McFly. Not that it matters to me cuz as previously stated no way is hot wax getting anywhere near my ladybits.

Swen Douche' cat 6 world champion said...

I'm out of dope. I needs the e p o! Some blood dope too.

Anyone on this blog have the contact information for ...

Floyd Landis?


Sheryl Crow?

Sheryl Crow's lady/man/girl pal?





Obkiebay Ollray said...

I Otgay Hatway Ouyay Antway ...

Allcay Emay

Mario's Albino tadpole said...

With the exception of Leroy's dog, can you all stop humping babble's and frilly's legs? Leave that work to the pros like the all mighty Cipo

ken e. said...

andre williams said something relevant to which i agree, but i won't repeat it. just don't call it what oprah calls it.

(god bless canada too)

babble on said...

Wildcat - can we submit links to wacky cock-pit websites instead? Nonny's got a winner for you. And may we have a cock-off every week, please? This is fun.

anon @ 4:19 - it speaks for itself.

mr romney, Thank you. I'll take that as a compliment.

G. Jetson said...

clitisanlly moistened see through damp sky blue pink time traveling warp speed space panties

Semar said...

Alberto ( the first 'o' is pronounced as a 'u' in his neck of Madrid) Contador is an inspiration to all those who believe in re-demption. Having sinned, he has shunned the dark side and returned to glory. I no longer hate him.

McFly said...

Say hello to your Leisure Ride National Champion. Jealous?

Dan S said...

Have you seen this awful website?

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford has disdain for all pro riders equally until he is near them. Then he starts to effortlessly and shamelessly hump their epic calves.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of manicued vs unmanicured bush. Check out Demi Moore's.

babble on said...

She was hot when she was twenty, but she was scorching when she was fifty...

How can that be?

McFly said...

Imagine if harry bib-guy went down on her. There is no amount of Panteen Pro-V in the world that could make that situation manageable.

Anonymous said...

We know "Caveman bib model" is not a serious cyclist because he actually has some upper body muscle mass. He's not a pencil neck pussy like most Freds appear to be.

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