Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Schlock of the New: Dirty Salutes, Bold Claims, and Loud Prints

If you're only a casual follower of professional road racing, you may have certain misconceptions about the off-season. For example, you may think that the riders spend it in a laboratory where they lie in a state of dreamless sleep while scientists maintain their performance by means of various intravenous drips--kind of like motorcycle batteries whiling away the winter on a tender in the garage. This is untrue. (Well, it is true of Alexander Vinokourov, but they do revive him temporarily on Christmas morning so that he can open his presents.) The fact is that most professionals are quite busy in the off-season with things like team transfers, wind tunnel testing, and, in the case of Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, honing their victory salutes at the Amstel CuraƧao Race:


A reader alerted me to the above photo from Cyclingnews, and it indicates that Contador may be abandoning the implied sexuality of the "fingerbang" in favor of actual fellatio. It also suggests that the position of "fingerbang assistant" may be a more "hands"-on job than I previously thought. This is probably what the "fingerbang assistant" is trying to convey to her friend in this photo:

It could also explain how Contador is keeping his helmet up here:

If this is true, and if being Contador's "fingerbang assistant" does actually require being the cedilla on his letter "C," then Contador's victory salute has already reached a level of complexity and obscenity never before seen in the professional peloton. Furthermore, it's a long winter, and he's liable to refine his salute considerably between now and next season. By the time he wins his first race in 2010 his celebratory gesture may require three assistants, a rotating bed, and some wah-wah guitar.

This wasn't all I discovered over at Cyclingnews either. I learned one more thing, which is that Gilberto Simoni may end his career:
Actually, I technically learned two things, since I had thought Simoni's career had ended already. It's sort of like losing your dog and eventually resigning yourself to the fact that he's probably dead, only to receive a call a year later from someone telling you they've found him--but that they're sorry to tell you he's dead. Actually, the headline does have a question mark, so I suppose there's a glimmer of hope and that it's more like someone telling you that they've found your dog but that he's very, very sick. In any case, whether his career pulls through or not, I'll always fondly remember Simoni as the "Spider-Man" of the peloton. In fact, Simoni's sobriquet may have been what started the Giant Road Bike Head Tube Wars, since Cannondale needed to produce one large enough to display this custom paint job:

I'm guessing when Simoni finally does decide to "hang up his wheels," we'll learn about it in VeloNews--not because they'll report it, but because we'll read something like this in the "Technical Q&A with Lennard Zinn" section:

Dear Lennard,

When ending my career, is it safe to hang it by its wheels?

Gibo

***

Dear Gibo,

It is perfectly safe to hang up your career by its wheels, provided your career's wheels do not have a delicate carbon fiber fairing, or its wheels are not made by Mavic, in which case they may explode.

Lennard

Meanwhile, for the rest of us, the duration of our cycling "careers" is not a matter of speculation or deliberation. We simply ride for as long as we can, and we do so for free--or else in order to get to places where we then do things for money. (Even the most well-remunerated of us is somebody's "fingerbang assistant" in one way or another.) This latter form of riding is called "bicycle commuting," or, if your job is sufficiently pretentious and you get there on a Dutch city bike or similarly affected conveyance, "cyclo-vocational physical culture." However, here in New York City, the indignity with which "cyclo-vocational pysical culture" is fraught can be enough to make you want to hang up your wheels, too--though you wouldn't know it from this smugness tour of the "Big Apple" featuring Transportation Alternatives and congressman Earl Blumenauer, brought to you by "Streetfilms:"



If you're the sort of person who doesn't watch Streetfilms because the riding is almost as mild and boring as what you find in a typical fixed-gear freestyle video, I can assure you that this one's different. Take this thrilling moment on the "physically separated" bike lane on 9th Avenue:

At about 52 seconds a rider in red comes tearing into the shot:

At first I thought it was Gilberto Simoni from back in the Saeco days, but closer inspection reveals that it's some species of well-fed "hipster:"

After that, Transportation Alternatives Executive Director Paul "Steezy" White explains how New York City once aspired to be Portland but that now Portland "is borrowing from us:"

This comment barreled into my consciousness the same way the husky hipster charged into the 9th Avenue bike lane, and I think both of them might want to grab a handful of brake. New York has surely come a long way as far as cycling goes, but challenging Portland's mantle as the bike-friendliest place in America is quite dangerous. Firstly, while the Department of Transportation has added lots of bike lanes, it has yet to remove all the idiots, and until that happens cycling in New York City remains hostile to cyclists. In a way what the city has done by adding all these bike lanes is sort of like dealing with the asbestos in your basement by purchasing a brand-new living room set--in both cases you'll just be a little more comfortable before you die. Secondly, if New Yorkers start bragging too loudly then Portlanders may actually begin moving here en masse. In the short term this will result in a surge in the number of white people with dreadlocks for which New York is ill-prepared, and our city's 311 help line will be overwhelmed with complaints about things like inadequate cargo bike parking and sub-par coffee quality. In the long term, cycling casualties will skyrocket once these riders learn the hard way that they are not protected by Invisible Cloaks of Smugness as they are in Portland, New York City will abandon cycling as a result, and our hard-fought bike lanes will fall to mopeds and Vespas.

This is not to say I don't appreciate all the city has done so far--it's just that I hate to see people disappointed. It's sort of like "fingerbanging" before you've crossed the line. I'm no stranger to disappointment either. For example, I was visiting Trackosaurusrex recently (I'm expecting it to switch over to mopeds at any moment) and was thrilled to learn that there are apparently "New Rapha Jams!"
Unfortunately the disappointment came when I learned that the post actually referred to music, and that Rapha were not going to be "dropping" a surf-short "collabo:"

Few things would make me happier than if Rapha were to augment their tailored and subtly-hued collection with some screamingly loud beach "shants," and I think they would be wise to do so. Jams shorts seem to be one of the few fashions from the 1980s that has not yet been resurrected, and 2010 could very well be the summer that the fixed-gear fashion pendulum swings from snug jean shorts to baggy knickers with Matisse-like "colourways." (Also, the ironic fashion law states that the retro-90s look can't begin in "earnest" until every single bit of 80s nostalgia has been exhausted.) My disappointment was mitigated somewhat though when I learned that Jams is not only still in business, but that they're still offering disgusting shirts like this:

He may not be a surfer, but he's certainly caught the hair gel wave.

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

first?

ALgoat said...

algoat swish

Anonymous said...

Second!

Anonymous said...

second

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

4th!

Anonymous said...

top 10

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

nope... this blog-doping just doesn't work like they said it would.

ervgopwr said...

top 10

Unknown said...

nice shirt

Asterisk said...

Aste risk

mikeweb said...

No Dolphin folic photos?

rezado said...

Those jams are bad ass.

You have so much awesome stuff in your closet. You will never run out of options for halloween costumes.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Rezado,

Sadly they're not my Jams. I found the picture using a popular search engine.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

The "jams" model looks suspiciously like Mr. Fingerbangs himself.

Slappy said...

some pro cyclists of course head to the big appley city for sum kulture and the opportunity to ride with true cycling royalty.. did la give you some starz gear to wear too snooby?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CZSR

-P.P.

rezado said...

Oh, I thought that you went from berber to wood.

Anonymous said...

PJ's over tights around here, Jams on deck.

Billy Reid said...

yoink

Anonymous said...

It appears one of the (ahem) podium girls (aka fluffers) is measuring Alberto's johnson (or juan-hijo) and reporting the result as "five". Not sure if that's metric or inches though.

streepo said...

I'm so glad I was way too old for jams

Anonymous said...

a one week hiatus, a tease armstrong/BSNYC pic and two rambling posts -- me thinks Bike Snob will soon tell us about his trip...

CommieCanuck said...

So Gibo is hanging it up...this guy was the source of the best excuses for his positives for cocaine. He blamed the faulty lab, he blamed sabotage, he blamed his dentist. Finally, we all accepted that his cocaine came from candies his aunt brought back from him from Colombia, because there is soo much blow in Colombia, they put it on candies. Soon after this was revealed, Andy Dick moved to Colombia.
No one really believed him of course, they just wanted him to shut up because he was getting embrassing.

g said...

Is that a "man-jam" purse that guy's holding or is a book of heartfelt poetry?

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob, Askjeeves.com is not that popular.

mikeweb said...

"Firstly, while the Department of Transportation has added lots of bike lanes, it has yet to remove all the idiots"

I'd settle for half the idiots.

Anonymous said...

MATI SSE*

*artistic paneling with crotchal enhancement utilizing the zero regard for appropriate colorway in favor of emotions expressed in a Frenchier manner than you are accustomed.

David Dawson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hillbilly said...

I don't think I won.

Anonymous said...

Until they start ticketing people in Gotham for riding a bike *without a hand brake* like they do in Portland, I don't think the Rose City's title as bike nirvana is in any danger.

kale said...

Once Paul 'Steel-yo-girl' White and Earl 'OPP' Blumenauer have combined their powers of oppressively nerdy advocacy no one will be safe!

ant1 said...

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=428&sid=1807568

CommieCanuck said...

COKE HEAD

ant1 said...

what is it with DC mayors? not satisfied with giving crack heads a bad name, they're now making us cyclists look bad.

Uncle Tom Boonen said...

ant1-

us cycling crackheads, we get double the problems.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

The girl on the left in pic#3 seems like she would break contador in half, dem legs is thick.

Please explain the mysterious hand on the well fed hipsters shoulder in the close up, is it about to pass him a sandwich?

Anonymous said...

TA puts on a helluva Century every September. Who doesnt enjoy riding down Tremont Ave at 2PM on a Sunday? Cycling paradise!

Dave said...

Holy Crap! Congressman Blumenauer is wearing the ugliest helmet I have ever seen! I think that the KAle's comment underestimates Earl's capacity for nerdliness. He does not even need to team up with Steely White to win that mantle.

By the way doesn't Steely White make you think of claims made by a toothpaste maker?

Anonymous said...

Earl Blumenauer looks a little like Commiecanuck back when Commie was sporting a bowtie.

TheTye said...

By the look of some of those podium girls, Contador might need to start using the "Fist Pump" as a celebratory salute

Pump Up tha Jams! said...

Somebody had to say it.

leroy said...

Frankly, until you posted that Cyclingnews photo of Contador, I dismissed all the talk about the special treatment he got from the French ant-doping authorities as just sour grapes.

No wonder tensions were strained on Team Astana.

Oh sure, the ALFD uses a podium girl to collect Contador's fluid samples. All Lance gets is a lone French man showing up pre shower.

Honestly, now I understand why Mr. Armstrong wanted you to prank call the ALDF to ask if they had Prince Albert in the can.

Critical Ass said...

Wow...only recognized 3 bands on Rapha Jams - Of Montreal, Dinosaur Jr. and B(i)jork. Is that compilation complementary with the purchase of one of their overpriced snot rags?

sufferist said...

I would like to start a "Bring back the Bang" campaign. The goal would be to have Mr. Contador return to the exclusive use of the "fingerbang" to express his victorious exhuberance.

Please sing (yes sing) the petition below to show your support:

1.)Sufferist (In the words of Elf, "I'm singing...")

Anonymous said...

What is pysical culture?

ant1 said...

sufferist - how about a "Let Berto Bang" campaign?

sufferist said...

Very nice, kinda like, "Let Freedom Ring", but with more of a stretchy pants vibe...

New names for AC:
1.) Bangin' Berto
2.) The Banginator
3.) [add yours here]

grog said...

How old is too old to be a cyclist? Is it the same in other places as it is in NYC?

CommieCanuck said...

Earl Blumenauer looks a little like Commiecanuck back when Commie was sporting a bowtie.

That would be Sir Ed Grimley Jr.

CommieCanuck said...

3.) [add yours here]

Alberto Bangtador

CommieCanuck said...


Oh sure, the ALFD uses a podium girl to collect Contador's fluid samples. All Lance gets is a lone French man showing up pre shower.


...and if he's blonde, that's the way he likes it.

Salty Seattle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

"Let Berto Bang (me)"

Please!

And if you can have chunky thighs like that and still be a podium girl on Curacao, I need to get my fat ass down there immediately.

More rum, Alberto?

sufferist said...

Sing it Frilly!

Anonymous said...

Uhmm... there's probably a reason why the Amstel CuraƧao Race website requires the visitor to state that they're 18+.

There's a pic of Contador playing with his dolphin in there. Contador...el gran masturbador.

Asterisk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sufferist said...

Frilly: For what it's worth, and from what I can gather (scant evidence as it may be (yes this is a complaint)), he'd be lucky to entertain your company.

Asterisk said...

Anon @ 1:28,

Use of * in your postings requires expressed written consent. Please ask Bad Lawyer for a consent form, which will delineate royalty fees.

*

(Legal fees for those baseless charges emanating from the Ullrich news are adding up. They have to be covered somehow.)

Anonymous said...

All royalty payments in euros, Please.

rezado said...

3.) [add yours here]

Al-bang-yo Cuntonthefloor

Salty Seattle said...

mikeweb-

I'll trade you half of our idiots for half of yours. I love to see fixies try to climb hills!

Salty Seattle said...

3.) [add yours here]

AFC

sufferist said...

3. [add yours here]

Master Banger

sufferist said...

3. [add yours here]

El Bangadoro

Anonymous said...

3. [add yours here]

A Bert All Cunts Adore

rezado said...

3. [add yours here]



The shocker

Anonymous said...

My first horrific thought on seeing the words "Rapha Jams" was that very soon we'd be seing Velodramatic posting pictures of himself in pajamas...

Anonymous said...

HEY sNOBBY HOW ABOU THE HISTORY OF BMX
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6O06Sn5habc

Stupid Name said...

"At first I thought it was Gilberto Simoni from back in the Saeco days, but closer inspection reveals that it's some species of well-fed "hipster:""

Ouch. Hipsters are just nerds who do drugs, and apparently a burrito or two, or three, or four.

Portlanders will not move to New Yawk, they keep whining about quality of life, and cultural voids.

sufferist said...

3. [add yours here]

The Big Banger

Unknown said...

I fully expected to come here today and play a Fingerbangin' game of 'Simoni Says!' DARN!

Unknown said...

BSNYC -- you missed the best picture of Countdwhore on the Amstel Gold Curacao website! http://www.amstelcuracaorace.com/?lang=en

4th row, middle picture. Contador is seemingly "non-plussed" trying to photograph podium girl boo-tay!

SubComandante Sasquatch said...

...and here's the autobus with Boonen and the Mann Missle.

"our city's 311 help line will be overwhelmed with complaints about things like inadequate cargo bike parking and sub-par coffee quality."

Not to mention the anemic burritos and unhopped beer.

Anonymous said...

*,
Protest is already being drafted. Law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe has been retained. The oversight of the fingerbanger does not override the rules of the intranet. We all have a responsibility to abide by both the letter and intent of the intranet. Clearly you did not play enough board games with your siblings when you were a child. I'll see you, sir, in the Supreme Court.

CHIN KOLA

Anonymous said...

and all further **-related correspondence should be frowarded to Cacophonix.

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time comment(er). This one is particularly well written and hilarious. Truly enjoyed. Thanks.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd

ibn bin necker said...

i also wants me them 72 virginians

Anonymous said...

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Asterisk said...

Anon @ 4:33,

Dewey Cheatham & Howe is also counsel for Click and Clack. With advice from them, you'll run off the road before you make it to the Supreme Court.

Bad Lawyer and I will be fingerbanging to the bank.

*

Anonymuss said...

3. [add yours here]

Inserto Cuntadigit

Anonymous said...

*,

it is like almost wed? in addition to the epic burritos out here, the wed oregano is also, like, way better?

DC&H

Salty Seattle said...

Wow *!

I had no idea about you and BL. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.--I'm just feeling a little left out.)

Seriously. Peace and love for everyone..

Enjoyed an mini-epic burrito today. You should too.

Salty Seattle said...

3. [add yours here]

I'm casting my vote for El Bangadoro.. sounds so "a la Vuelta".

Visegripmikey said...

Ricardo, those pics on the amstel site are ridiculous, esp AC frolicking with dolphins.

Asterisk said...

Salty Seattle,

If you don't take care of your attorney, ...

*

Trek Attorney said...

I am reasonably certain that Specialized bought the Internet rights to the * symbol several years ago. It's a safe bet you will all be hearing from their lawyers very soon.

Anonymous said...

Bring on the Trek attorneys. From what I heard Trek has mucho dinero, all Euros,-- * and I will be fingerbangin' 'em on our way to the night deposit drawer.

sau said...

I just found the JAMS outlet store in honolulu, hawaii. it is freakin' epic. and the deals are unheard of...ten dollar shorts, two dollars NOS 80s t-shirts, and more.

Anonymous said...

Earl Blumenauer's helmet strap hangs lower than my nutsack..

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post. One correction: Jams -- 1960s.

cyclotourist said...

3.) [add yours here]

Bang Master B.

Matthew Davis said...

I agree totally with the part about Portland's smugness and have written about it here in PDX. I wish you'd move here. You're smart.

http://www.portlandmercury.com/portland/hall-monitor/Content?oid=1714475

Reginold Daring said...

Portland has bike paths? Since when?

Pete H said...

Blumenauer is pedalling on his arches. Just sayin'

Anonymous said...

forget the Jams, after * and I collect all of Treks Euros we're going to be rockin' the Rapha silk handwipes, the assos base layers, and the castelli bibs. Bang, bang...

ant1 said...

ant1 hundredth!

Asterisk said...

Thanks for the leadout, Ant1.

*

San Antonio Employment Lawyers said...

The jams are great, but you really can't beat Simoni's Spider Man bike.

Anonymous said...

*&BL

upon further counsel, I will make a one-time offer to * and BL.

I will use * as much as I want, followed by my using * just because, and then ** to rub it in. you see, "I am Specialized", and as such, I can *** all I want.

Special**ed said...

Cha-Ching!

B(*)(*)bies said...

My *'s are very sensitive.

Asterisk said...

Anon @ 10:38,

BL & I are most appreciative. With an attitude like yours, the courts will be most happy to help us deplete first your coffers and then suck dry the account of Merida as well. I am sure your Taiwanese investors will be most pleased.

Bang, bang!

*

Anonymous said...

*&BL

now I have you! You have jeered your last jeer. on the innernet, no less. The "fingerbanking" will be what I do to YOU sirs, not the other way around.

Anonymous said...

Zoobombers: Rep. Blumenauer is in need of your services.

Mike J said...

Nice Jams

Salty Seattle said...

*

Ah, yes... well..

West Palm Beach criminal attorney said...

Rapha Jams exceedingly loud and made out of merino wool. Perfect for the fashionable cyclist.

Anonymous said...

I know it's a late comment, but I'm new to this wonderfully hilarious blog and felt the need to get this in.

El-berto Il Bangsomemore

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