Thursday, October 22, 2009

Alternate Realities: East is West, Thursday is Wednesday, and the Burritos are Delicious

The state of California is known for many things: its musclebound governor; its "epic" burritos; its rich oral tradition of telling stories about said "epic" burritos; its distinction of being the birthplace of Tone Lōc; and, of course, its eponymous bicycle race, the Tour of California. As a cyclist condemned by life and circumstance to a meager existence in New York, I often gaze longingly westward and imagine what life must be like in this mythical land, where the winters are mild, the people phrase statements as questions ("So, I was going for a ride? And I totally flatted? And, like, I didn't have a tube?"), and the burritos run proud and free. For this reason, I was excited to learn that not only is the 2010 Tour of California route about to "drop" like an overstuffed burrito from the heavens, but it was also going to be announced in an innovative Twitter format:

In fact, like tremors before "the big one," by the time I finished reading the article the announcements had already started, and the governor himself had just emitted the first "Tweet:"

Brimming with excitement like a Mission District burrito brims with guacamole, I headed immediately over to Lance Armstrong's Twitter to see if he'd replied to Arnold Schwarzenegger's gently-lobbed question. To my delight, he had!

This was getting tremendously exciting. Thanks to the miracle of Twitter, I really felt like I was a part of the action, and that I was receiving information right along with the athletes. Naturally, I followed the volley over to Levi Leipheimer's Twitter, only to find he'd already passed the ball to George Hincapie:

Here's what Hincapie had to say:

At this point my excitement was starting to wear off, and I was feeling like I was getting the run-around. This must be what it's like to be a UCI drug inspector in the race hotel after a big Tour de France stage. Still, I managed to muster enough enthusiasm to head over to Dennis Hopper's Twitter, where I finally got some details:


Hesitantly, I clicked on the link, where I saw this:



I'm not sure what that has to do with bike racing, but it sure looks like it was some party. I think I even saw the Nonplussed Journalist in there:

Still, while this rapid explosion of Tweeting ultimately led me into a swirly psychedelic cul-de-sac of the mind, I had to admit it was more kinetic than the typical exchanges you'll find on Twitter. Then again, sometimes there are outstanding Tweets. For example, shortly before the Tour of California-themed game of virtual Duck Duck Goose I learned that George Hincapie's clothing company may be attempting to become the new Rapha, and that his clothing company's "G-Coat" had just made an appearance on "Bicycling" magazine's "Gear of the Day:"


Here's "Bicycling's" write-up on the coat:

Now, I write a column for "Bicycling" magazine, and I'm very grateful to them for the opportunity to do so. However, I must say I'm extremely disappointed that they didn't offer me the opportunity to try out the "G-Coat," because other than the facts that it's not windproof, it's not especially warm, and wind and water can fly into the flared sleeves and right up into your "armpit gussets" (I don't wear any garment that doesn't feature either armpit or crotchal gussets), it sounds like Hincapie Sportswear really nailed it. Plus, that stuff's not important anyway, since while you're freezing you can warm your cockles with the knowledge that you're wearing the same jacket as Patrick Dempsey:

("All You Haters Warm My Cockles")

Yes, you should always take your cycling style cues from a person who wears a sleeveless jersey and puts his glasses on under his helmet straps, and you should always choose your warm garments based on the fact that they're worn by people who do most of their riding in the sun-drenched Land of the Epic Burrito. At any rate, after reading about the coat, I wondered if Armstrong had anything to say about it, but all I found was this Tweet:

I'm glad to see he's enjoying the off-season.

Speaking of psychedelia and make-believe, most of us have a desire to alter our reality once in awhile. This can involve taking hallucinogens and having a 2010 Tour of California-esque "happening" in your mind, or it can involve visiting another part of the world, or it can involve simply altering your normal route a little bit. Occasionally, when I feel the need to alter my own reality and I don't have ready access to either LSD or plane fare, I engage in the last. Here, in New York City, where the burritos are paltry and the California transplants can be identified by the fact that they wear canvas sneakers even in winter, there are three bridges that traverse "The Big Skanky" and connect Brooklyn to downtown Manhattan:

While I generally use the same bridge every day , I do so not out of convenience but rather out of fear that if I choose a different one it will lead me not just to a different part of the city but also into a completely different reality--that somehow if I, say, choose the Williamsburg Bridge over the Manhattan Bridge I will enter an alternate plane of existence in which a truck that might have missed me will instead run me over, or a terrorist attack will take place that might otherwise have been foiled, or that I'll fall victim to a food-borne illness from the lox in my paltry New York-style burrito. Maybe I'll even arrive in Manhattan to find that in this alternate reality the American Revolution never took place, and in fact the English never took Manhattan from the Dutch. Consequently, New York is still New Amsterdam, and I'll be taken into custody and placed in the stocks in Times Square for the horrible crime of not riding a Dutch city bike. (Actually, we're not too far from that now.)

Still, it's important to face your fears, so it was with both trepidation and excitement that I set out this morning across the Williamsburg Bridge. It certainly was different. Not only were there people filming their artistic endeavors in front of the artistic endeavors of others:


But also the riders on the Williamsburg Bridge wear little holsters and carry their keys on the outside just like you see on the Internet!

Fortunately, when I arrived in Manhattan, it was not under Dutch rule, and the Dutch city bikes were grappling with scooters for pole space:

This is not to say that I would ever side with a scooter over a bicycle in a parking dispute; it's just that I was relieved to find Dutch bikes had not yet taken over the city entirely. It's bad enough we're also being attacked by "footbikers:"

Certainly a contraption like this is evocative of an alternate reality in which neither the chain drive nor the direct drive was ever invented and the best we managed to do was to refine the "dandy horse."

Speaking of alternate realities, as fantastic as the notion of them may be, it's certainly true that two completely different existences can inhabit the same space. I was recently reading an article in The New Yorker by music critic Sasha Frere-Jones, whom I've mentioned before in the context of the "bullshitification" of language. Frere-Jones is sort of the Ben Franklin of irritating quotes, and this article provided a number of them--in particular, this one, in which he tries to show his "street cred:"

I don't care where Sasha Frere-Jones lives--it's nowhere near where Jay-Z grew up.

117 comments:

Anonymous said...

first




1

ALgoat said...

podi

Dog Shot said...

Anon Pod?

Anonymous said...

Yay 5th!

Seanywonton said...

damn, bad lawyer must have one better wheelset than me. I'm still at MEH.

mikeweb said...

top 10 my bruthas!

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

top 10 baby... awww yeah.

CommieCanuck said...

MEH. BLAH. HED.

Dog Shot said...

Fatigued from yesterday's Anonymous sprint and fingerbang.

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

top 10 all within 60 seconds?

poole said...

so close yet so far

Billy Reid said...

HUSL!

mikeweb said...

go bad lawyer!

must've passed the bar and went straight to the finish line...

rezado said...

Bleh me!

CommieCanuck said...

It's a wonder I even got 8th, what with my bike being inherently unstable.

ec said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CZSR

Illegitimi non crabonundum.

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

top twenty !

Anonymous said...

I'm so out of breath,after my first number one (finger bangs all around) like that german tv contestant who beat Jens Voight in the 200 meters. BTW only in Sasha-speak and cycling are the 1990s---vintage.

grog said...

Keep the pony in eponymous.

hillbilly said...

Bad Lawyer! Way to go, baby! (that didn't come out right).

Where the burritos run wild and free is perhaps the grossest line ever inked.

I've been doing Manhattan bridge in the morning and Queensborough at night and I don't like it, but I can't stop.

Andrew said...

Alternate reality 1st!

Isolation Helmet said...

Hey like I live north of San Francisco? And I commute in every day to work in the city? And my burrito place may be epic? But I can't like get a lox burrito?

omowo said...

TOUR D'LSD

hillbilly said...

great ending line too! (really stuck the landing??) hate me some sacha.

and yes, that twitter relay was the hammiest, least spontaneous, stupidest way to make an announcement.

grog said...

Keep the mole in guacamole.

Anonymous said...

Like, I don't know about lox? But like, you can get a pretty epic Salmon burrito in my cultural vacuum? I've never like tried it though?

Dog Shot said...

HAMT WEET

Anonymous said...

Here goes,

Here in the land of the epic burritoo, I have yet to find one as good as that of a tin-roofed place in North Carolina.

STUPID NAME said...

Again you have proven there is no intelligent life on Twitter, probably not much in the governers office either.

Isn't that the "AMGEN-we make your blood better" Tour of California.

roomservicetaco said...

RTMS, you may intentionally going for vague pointers, but if not, check out Citebite, which allows you to link to a particular piece of text in a web page. So that you can refer readers directly to Sacha Frere-Jones's bullshit in previous postings, for example.

Anonymous said...

GUAC MOLE

Asterisk said...

These coordinated tweets have to come from a bunch of twits. Thanks, Snobby, for exposing this farce. Lance will let Levi win and Big George will get a stage win to make up for supposedly getting gipped at the TdF.

*

CommieCanuck said...

Anon 2:26...Flying burrito? Carborittos?

CommieCanuck said...

Just got my Windows 7 upgrade!
Wow! it does search!
Many new buttons, this one does 0000100010010010101001010010000010100110100101001010100100100101000001000100100101010010100100000101001101001010010101001001001010000010001001001010100101001000001010011010010100101010010010010100000100010010010101001010010000010100110100101001010100100100101000001000100100101010010100100000101001101001010010101001001001010000010001001001010100101001000001010011010010100101010010010010100000100010010010101001010010000010100110100101001010100100100101000001000100100101010010100100000101001101001010010101001001001010

ant1 said...

lucky otter?

JPB said...

Anon 2:26 - Blasphemer!

As Californey expat, I never realized how much I sounded like a resident of Surf City until I moved East.

I'd be all,y'know, meeting new people? And they'd be, like, are you from California? And I'm like, totally! How can you tell!?

Side note; some of the worst Mexican food I have ever had was from a restaurant in western North Carolina.

Anonymous said...

'Sorry guys, it's S-a-s-h-a, not S-a-c-h-a. One's a Frere Jones and the other is a Baron Cohen.

And did you notice today's Snob post is about a Tweet and a Twit?

longo said...

isnt that jay-zed ?
or is it jaz_zed ?
did she win the le tour femme in the 80's ?

Anonymous said...

CommieCanuck, careful with that new Windows 7, you don't want to accidentally blow something up.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Roomservicetaco,

Thanks. They didn't teach me that stuff in blogging school.

Bad Lawyer,

Oops, I was thinking about the Vanilla guy.

--BSNYC

CommieCanuck said...

000100101010010101010010100010101010

010001

001001,


001010010!

001001...00001001.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

Distance from marcy projects(Jay Z) to mid fort greene (sacha) is 1.9 miles.* I can completely imagine sucha prancing down myrtle mid 96', brooklyn was much safer then and hipster free.

*Data provided by map my ride.

hillbilly said...

I thought he was just trend setting, ie, crabon?

(i know, poor excuse)

Dog Shot said...

CC:

Seems to be working flawlessly; had to re-boot yet?

leroy said...

Wow, the things you learn on the internets!

Mr. Frere-Jones was obviously too modest to point out that his neighborhood must not be far from the setting of The Patty Duke Show.

You can't beat the street cred of living not far from someone who has "only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights."

wirehead said...

You mean you haven't used the Alameda-Weehawken Burrito Tunnel yet?

Really, I don't see why you are whining so much. You got pizza, we've got burritos. And we've both got hipsters on fixies. But you can at least roll up your pizza and close your eyes and imagine yourself in a good burrito place eating the semi-mythological pizza-burrito... but the last time I tried to unroll my burrito and closed my eye I was in a good NYC pizza place eating the semi-mythological burrito-pizza, I made a mess of myself in ways I haven't since I was two.

Anonymous said...

1.9 miles in physical distance, 1,900 miles in socioeconomic distance.

ant1 said...

0100001101000011001011000000110100001010000011010000101001110100011010000110000101110100001000000110110101100001011010110110010101110011001000000110111001101111001000000111001101100101011011100111001101100101001011100010000000100000011101000110100001100101001000000111001101110100011100100110100101101110011001110111001100100000011011110110011000100000011011110110111001100101011100110010000001100001011011100110010000100000011110100110010101110010011011110110010101110011001000000111001101101000011011110111010101101100011001000010000001100010011001010010000001100100011010010111011001101001011100110110100101100010011011000110010100100000011000100111100100100000011001010110100101100111011010000111010000101110

Anonymous said...

we here in Cali may have an unusual penchant for burritos but our hipsters look exactly the same as yours

mikeweb said...

I don't know which is whiter, Dempsey, or his ultra-sleeveless jersey.

If that thing was any more sleeveless, it'd be a tubetop.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Wirehead,

I had no idea there was an epic burrito science fiction story sub-genre. Incredible.

I may "curate" an epic burrito story open mic night one day...

--RTMS

CommieCanuck said...

I don't know which is gayer, Dempsey, or his ultra-sleeveless jersey.

CommieCanuck said...

we here in Cali may have an unusual penchant for burritos but our hipsters look exactly the same as yours

All hipsters look the same because they are genetically derived from the mother colony in Portland.

Anonymous said...

Once I asked Lance Armstrong (via twitter) how twitter works. He never responded, so I unfollowed him. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, LANCE.

UNFO RGVN

mikeweb said...

CC, thank you for the correction.

sufferist said...

Good burrito to be had in Ypsilanti, Michigan. Served with rice and garlic in the wrap.

Anonymous said...

Dempsey's matching white helmet is a bit precious. I imagine he has a closet arranged by colorway with matching sleeveless skinsuits and helmets. But he can't seem to get his computer to stop flashing "You Suck!".

Anonymous said...

CC and JPB,

carrburritos-solid

best mex food anywhere ever: fiesta grill on hwy54

WEST COST

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

Commie, RE: your link @ 1:58

thanks for that, I first read of that story a few weeks back and I am anxious to see what happens to that arrogant prick.

CONV ICKT

Josh Gordon said...

El Dorado's do not have trunks. Epic NY trendy cartoon FAIL!

yogisurf said...

I'm still seeing swirling colors and the nonplussed journalist even after closing by browser. Maybe I ate a bad burrito here in the Land of the Epic Burrito. Great blog today, BSNYC.

Yes, here in the Land of the Epic Burrito, the cycling is easy. Except for this ER doctor who likes to (brake) drum up business:

http://www.velonews.com/article/99398/la-road-rage-trial-begins-prosecutors-play-a-911-recording-#

Great autumn ride in this morning. Saw a meteorite before I left and watched the sun rise. Cool temps and 15 miles.

Pete H. said...

Yes, footbikes are terrible contraptions: no greasy chain, no saddle sores, ~133% the exercise per mile... the horror!

CommieCanuck said...

Astroluc.. it's actually hilarious to see how bad this guy's lawyer is, he keeps leading the prosecution's witnesses to epic statements. BTW.. Dr. Thompson is also to be on trial for another incident on the same road with different cyclists. I hope he gets 10 years, with optional shower sodomy.

BEND OVER

Anonymous said...

All you playa hatas suck my burrito

CommieCanuck said...

BTW..the world's worst burritos are in Canada. You could wrap beaver turds in newspaper and it would taste better. Send more Mexicans.

JClev19 said...

Snob - If that terrible Larry Fishburne film "Event Horizon" taught me anything, it's that you would have immediately known if you had entered an alternate universe because the first thing that you would've done is tear your own eyes out.

That photo of Patrick Dempsey is kind of like entering an alternate universe.

Shram said...

Q: what's the WEST COST?

A: if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

red neckerson said...

one year the cats won the ncaa roundball torny and me and ricky solt the trailer and gone down to san antonio to see the cats kick ass and we stopped at a place called la fonder and the buritos was so good that when ricky farted he done burned a hole thru his underwhere and half way thru his jeans but it was worth it

Anonymous said...

jclev19,
thats preetty good stuff

Anonymous said...

Kareem Ensahyeed

Stan Keetwot

JPB said...

CC - Not sure Canada can claim the "World's Worst Burrito" trophy without further evidence from Europe and Asia.

For example; anybody out there eaten a burrito in Tokyo recently and want to chime in?

Sleeveless Jerseys - Is it acceptable to palp an Iron Maiden jersey with the sleeves torn of? Not that I would, just asking.

honkybucket said...

Pete H,

If you're really looking to maximize the amount of exercise achieved per mile, and don't care about looking moronic, why not just strap a couple 25 pound dumbells to your feet and take a walk?

Anonymous said...

CC said: BTW..the world's worst burritos are in Canada. You could wrap beaver turds in newspaper and it would taste better. Send more Mexicans.

What would you expect in America, Jr., Chalupas?

And you're right about this California asshat's attorney, this lawyer gives bad lawyers a bad name--if you catch my drift.

Anonymous said...

Josh Gordon:

El Dorados do indeed have trunks.

Sasha Frere-Jones makes for great El Do trunk reading.

Automotive knowledge FAIL.

All You New Yorker Haters Suck My Tailpipe.

Anonymous said...

my benis hurtssssa,

Anonymous said...

cmon now, the finalist entries in the new yorker really are sad. really. so bad, they could have come from readers digest.

sufferist said...

El Caminos have no trunk or are all trunk depending on your welding abilities...

I. P. Freely said...

CC, what does Ben Dover have to do with prison showers?

kale said...

Resist the Burrito-Industrial Complex, a multinational conspiracy perpetrated on those unfortunate enough to live east of Big Muddy. The Leguminatti have long kept their ancient ingredients, La Manteca, Cebolla y Comino, secret from the populace. You can resist, by using simple methods called 'cooking at home' you too can earn the resplendent title of Jefe de Cocina.

Anonymous said...

Snob,

All the Californians you know must be horribly behind the times. These days true Californians are mostly interested in discussing how epically local our food is -- burrito stories are more of a 90s vintage.

LOCL VORE

Anonymous said...

Re: Tour D'LSD

I would pay good money to watch a bike race where every participant is given an "epic" dose of acid at the start of each stage. Naturally, they would have to be tested to make sure they took their drugs...

Anonymous said...

Devaluing Twitter. Armstrong has his own version coming.

Anonymous said...

There is a blue whale warshed up on the beach offa the north coast, I expect a swarm of locals to set up camp there, burning driftwood to melt the blubber into their bio-diesel jettas.

SAVE WHLS

kfg said...

Snob: back when you coined the term "P-far" I told you this was a sign to get into the swift walker game ahead of the game, but did you listen? Noooooooo!

That's what you get for not being able to think like a retard with money. THEY get to keep it; which is socially unacceptable.

I don't do the flour thang, so I don't do the burrito thang, but the best taco I ever had was in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. The worst in Laredo, Texas ( I KNEW that chicken tasted bad. Pass the gamma globulin). What a difference The Big Back Wetter makes.

Dave said...

Cow Girls Hall of Fame photo shoot?

Anonymous said...

Ugh, whoever said that Canada has the worst burritos is right. I was at some heinous tourist trap in Canada, and ordered the "Vegetarian Wrap", as that looked like the safest choice on the menu. I received a tortilla filled with white rice coated in mayo, with some wilted lettuce on top. Worst burrito ever.

Anonymous said...

wrap does not equal burrito. this is america dude, learn the rules.

Cameron said...

I used to think that everything I learned worth knowing I learned from Twitter, but after spending some QT in the comments today bouncing from Sleeveless Whitey Dempsey comments and everyone's Favorite/Best Burrito Nominees. I'm going to have to rethink the source of all my knowledge worth knowing.

TheTye said...

I'd love to get angry about the jab at California-Diction, but I think I DO descibe all my bike rides that way. And, like, that's bad?

Anonymous said...

The holy grail!! No not a pie plated fixed gear... A biopace single-speed! Stare in amazement and horror:
http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/bik/1432925091.html

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, I loved you so much already and now you've called out Sasha F-J. Marry me.

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Mmmmmmmm.... Free range burritos!

Andy Pandy said...

Bikes/ drugs/ SoCal/ Flying Burrito Brothers and Dennis Hopper ...what are we seeing here a re-run of Easy Rider or acid flash backs.At least it would be more interesting than ToC ( ie no drug scandal.)

CC you were always a little unstable , must be all the moose vapour you snorted

Anonymous said...

OK, tell me why it's so bad to wear your sunglasses under your helmet straps? Is it bad because they randomly decided to wear them on the outside in New York?

Enquiring Mind said...

I missed that memo, too. Whenever I randomly get my helmet straps under my glasses, and then later take my helmet off without first removing the glasses, they fly off and I feel like a doofus even though I don't wear lycra.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 10:19, we wear our helmet straps under our sunglass frames because that is what the Pros do, and if they do it, then we do it. (i.e., see "cera"). Silly boy.

I Rub Commando said...

what is a "typical cycling physique?"

Asterisk said...

If you ride in cold weather and you wear something on your head under your helmet, like a head band or a balaclava, then if the glasses are over the strap, how do you keep the glasses in place? If the glasses are under the strap, the strap helps make sure the glasses don't bounce around.

At least that is what I have found.

*

Anonymous said...

Anon 3:18, Fiesta Grill may be good but Carrburritos, hands down, has THE best chipotle salsa ever made.

guvnor said...

pimp my bike race

guvnor said...

pimp my bike race

Anonymous said...

thank you *very* much for allowing the full posts to appear in my google reader account again. I had stopped reading this blog entirely in the interim.

CommieCanuck said...

OK, tell me why it's so bad to wear your sunglasses under your helmet straps?

Maybe before posting a comment, you should...like, ride a bike.

Actual Mr. Factual said...

Guys, if you can ride with your glasses arms under your helmet straps, then your helmet is not on correctly. It's too loose.

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Oh bullshit.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC has a way of catching the moment before it flees, just like a totally rad surfer feels the wave before seeing it and then is able to get onthe board and ride out that totally sweet wave until it crests--such is the genius of our beloved BSNCY. THe Schwarz-Lance_Levi-Hincapie_zabriskie (who of course let it die since he is no pwn in their game) twitter lateral plays, in imitation of the Stanford-Cal football lateral kickoff return play--http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_HPhLHiORg
was one such priceless moment.
Sufjan
PowerPoint
smugness to the exponent of twitter times lack of self perspective
All comes down to our boy nailing it again

When is the book turned movie coming out?
HDB

M. T. Bidon said...

I would never (okay, rarely) Kick Bikes.

Thanks for everything you do to make my life livable, RTMS!

BTW, was the sample in that song D.O.A. from Bloodrock?

Anonymous said...

glasses on the outside so the logo shows - gotta give props to your sponsors

Anonymous said...

this made me dry heave while reading...

http://www.bikeradar.com/blogs/article/the-streets-of-san-francisco-23711

Anonymous said...

Ja!

Anonymous said...

What is a burrito? It's an LA thing, dude:

http://www.laweekly.com/2009-10-22/eat-drink/what-is-a-burrito/

El Burrito Grande said...

All Noo Yawk City food tastes as if it were curated by flaming homosexuals.

Cranky Mule said...

B_U_R_R_I_T_O_!

Anonymous said...

Some late breaking news for Commie Canuck and Mr Factual: you are morons.

Scott said...

"I was relieved to find Dutch bikes had not yet taken over the city entirely."

Hopefully one day!

Anonymous said...

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