Swab Out The Wax, Plug In Those Earbuds, And Tune In To The Bike Snob Show!

Do you sometimes read this blog and think to yourself, "If only I could enjoy these same piercing insights, only via someone with an annoying voice as opposed to the printed word."  Well, your dream has come true, because I was on the radio this morning and you can listen to today's show right here:

It's all about how I'm a giant asshole who drove to the new Wegmans in The Car That The Bank Owns Until I Finish Paying Them Back (almost paid off, by the way!) so you won't want to miss it, if only because someone calls me and excoriates me for doing so.  (I honestly hoped there would be more of that, to be honest.  Because that's good radio.)

What I didn't explain on the show was that I actually made money by driving to the Wegmans--and not just because I can now write off those groceries as a business expense.  Rest assured I'll explain how in a future post.

But hey, at least I didn't drive to show.  Instead I took a bracing 40-ish mile round trip on my Midlife Crisis Fixie:

(40 fixie miles is like 100 regular miles.)

Please note that I did not take this picture today.  Today was grey and cold with snow flurries, and the streets were so heavily salted I'm still coughing up white clouds.  Unfortunately I only managed one photo before my phone died, and it was of wrestler Matt Travis's ghost bike at the foot of the Willis Ave. bridge:

Note the car service driver loitering in the bike lane in the background:

Paying his respects, no doubt.

Rudderless and Fenderless

This morning a window presented itself between rain showers, and so I headed out once again on the Tresca:

I've been enjoying this bike as a winter workhorse, and on a whim I swung by their website to see what was new.  As it happens, it looks like they're now having their own artisanal hand-curated IPO:

Confession: way back in the 20th century, when Cannondale went public, I bought some shares.  It probably won't surprise you to know those shares became worthless in fairly short order.  There were a number of reasons for this, including a foray into motocross bikes on Cannondale's part, which I probably don't have to tell you was fucking stupid.  Anyway, those shares sat in my account with a value of roughly $0 ever since, until just a few weeks ago when my brokerage account finally zorched them from my balance sheet.

If only I'd invested that money in Amazon or Google instead of Cannondale I'd probably be typing this from a diamond-encrusted sofa, instead of the food-encrusted sofa I'm typing this from now.

So it's up to you whether or not you want to invest in a startup bike company, but if you do you should sell as soon as they start talking about motocross bikes.  Either way, you can subscribe to my financial advice newsletter here.

As for my ride, I wasn't sure where to go.  Rain was imminent, and given yesterday's deluge I knew River Road over in Jersey would probably be strewn with debris.  So I decided to roll around the city limits check out the new bike lane on Southern Boulevard in the Bronx:

The lane runs along the New York Botanical Gardens, and the ghost bike in the distance is for Heather Lough, whose killer received the customary wrist-slapping.  I was exceedingly pleased to learn that the DOT had finally put a bike lane here, since I take my kids to the Botanical Gardens and the Bronx Zoo by bike from time to time (the two institutions are adjacent to each other), but until now once you got to Southern Boulevard there was zero bike infrastructure and you were on your own.  (Southern Boulevard is too hectic for kids, which means you've pretty much got no choice but to take to the sidewalk.)  So this project could be potentially transformative--at least for me, anyway, which is what's really important--and as such I had high hopes.

Well, hopefully this is a work-in-progress at a very early stage, because so far I am not impressed.  Firstly, it's a two-way bike lane, but there are no markings to that effect, save for the portion that runs past the entrance to the Botanical Gardens parking lot:

Also, most of the bike lane was full of buses:

And when I say full, I mean it:

Even without the buses, riding south along the painted "buffer" was mildly disconcerting what with the car traffic barreling towards you and all, and obviously with the buses there the whole thing is utterly useless. 

I mean I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, since the city may only just be getting started, but if that paint is all that's going to stand between motor vehicle and the bike lane then this ain't gonna work.

From there, I continued on with no particular destination in mind, as you can see from my weird route:


Actually, the route map also looks kind of like a rudder, which is ironic.

Eventually I decided I'd head down to Central Park, then I headed back up the west side of Manhattan, and at around the George Washington Bridge the rain started coming down, so I was nice and soggy by the time I got home--but it was a good soggy, for somehow when I head out for a ride I always arrive home happier than I was when I left.

Though maybe it's just relief that I made it alive.

New Outside Column, And More!

As a semi-professional bike blogger and semi-competent parent I'm in a strange place at the moment: summer is, practically speaking, over, and yet school has not yet begun, which means I'm in a sort of limbo.  This is by way of explaining why I have not yet formally announced the rules for my upcoming Jones SWB Bike Giveaway Extravaganza.  But I will be doing so shortly.

In the meantime, here's my latest column for Outside, which is about why you shouldn't ride like an asshole:

Sure it's annoying when people step out into the bike lane, but shouting "Bike lane!" at them instead of, like, feathering your brakes and altering your path slightly is really the pinnacle of douchery.

Speaking of summer, as I mentioned I ended up bringing my new-to-me "forever bike" along with me on vacation, and I'm pleased that I did:

Not only was it ideal for this sort of thing:

But was also sufficient for bacon portaging:

And for some gravel road exploration:

Though at one point I did get in over my head and had to turn around:

We've been vacationing in this same spot for the past four years, but we're never there for very long so while I'm learning my way around it's a slow process akin to picking up "Moby Dick" once a year and reading it for a few hours.  Certainly the Jones would have allowed me to press further, and the more familiar I become with the area the more likely it is I'll choose that bike to accompany me.

Still, as I mentioned, I've grown extremely fond of my vintage Fred sled, and our time away together only served to strengthen the relationship.  Indeed, my only regret is not replacing the worn Campagnolo Ergo hoods before I left, as they were beginning to hang off the levers like oversized hoodies.  Instead, I installed new ones immediately upon my return, and it's like riding a new bike.  So I guess what I'm saying is, if you've been pining for a new bike, just get some new brake hoods and you'll be 90% of the way there.

Of course, the ultimate would have been taking both the Fred sled and the Jones, but I was on vacation and I wanted to keep it simple.  Also, I brought the kids' bikes with me, even though they invariably (and understandably) choose lake time over saddle time.  The Saris SuperClamp EX handled two bikes out back with no problem:

And the runt of the litter rode up top:

Getting the roof rack to work with the tiny bike wasn't as straightforward as it looks, but by reversing a few things I made it happen--though the two (2) bells and the penguin horn made mincemeat of my fuel economy.

I should also mention that on one rainy day we did take a day trip to the New York State Museum in Albany, our glorious capital, which was even more interesting than I expected it to be--and it even had some token bike content!

I actually set off the alarm when I leaned in for a closer look:

Hey, it's no Classic Cycle, but what New Yorker wouldn't dork out over a historical century ride rest stop list?

Here's a closer look:

Roughly five seconds of popular search engine jockeying reveals what at least one of those establishments looked like at the time:

And just think, they did it all without gravel bikes.

And that wasn't the only museum we visited, either.  Did you know there's a replica of the Star Trek set in Ticonderoga?  Well we didn't, but we stumbled upon it while availing ourselves of the local laundromat:

I'm not even remotely a Trekkie, but my elder son and I took the tour anyway, and we both thoroughly enjoyed it:

Sure, I could have taken my son to visit Fort Ticonderoga right down the road, but Star Trek is obviously a more significant component of our national identity.

Anyway, upon returning to the city I pivoted to my plastic bike and partook in the final club race of the season, which I'm pleased to report I passed:

This bike has just a fraction of the personality of the "forever bike" (though that could be because, apart from a longer stem, it's set up exactly the way it emerged from the box), and when I'm setting out for a road ride I choose the latter almost exclusively.  Nevertheless, the plastic bike is a truly stupendous park racer.  I doubt that it's meaningfully faster than the "forever bike," but when you hop onto a bike that's probably four pounds lighter it sure feels that way.  Also, while I adore the ker-THUNK of Campagnolo 10 speed (not sure the 11 and 12 speed groups have the same ker-THUNK, I have yet to try them), batting at a brand-new Dura Ace shifter is so fast and smooth it leaves you wondering what the point of electronic shifting is.  (I loved the Di2 on the Tan Tenovo, but I also don't miss it at all.)

Then, after reading James Huang's story on Engin in CyclingTips, I hopped aboard my own:

Apart from the builder, this bike has virtually nothing in common with the bike in the story.  Also, what with its primitive 135mm spacing and QR axles, "narrow" tires, rigid fork, and one-speed drivetrain, it's hopelessly dated and wildly off-trend.

In other words, it's perfect.

RTMS to Tan Tenovo

So not only am I still on the radio, but I officially* have the #1 bicycle-themed show in New York City in the coveted 10am Monday time slot!

*[Disclaimer: when I say "officially" I mean I've decided this must be true.]

Furthermore, I've asked WBAI to make it available as a podcast, but until that happens all shows are archived on their website, and you can also listen to this morning's episode right here.

Thank you for bearing with me while I explore the antiquated medium that is terrestrial radio, because blogs weren't outdated enough.

Speaking of this blog, obviously Rip Torn (or, more accurately, his mugshot) emerged as sort of an unofficial logo for it during its heyday:

Here's the story of how that happened.

Anyway, owing to this association, a number of people were compelled to notify me through various channels of Rip Torn's recent passing, even though it's 2019, we all have phones now, and on top of that I spend a lot of time on Twitter, which means I find out when famous people die immediately, just like you do.  Still, I can't deny that his death does represent the end of an era as far as this blog is concerned, even if I did think he was already dead, which I suppose also says a lot in and of itself.  Indeed, it was on Wednesday, June 13th, 2007 that I hit the "publish" button on my very first blog post, and here we are 12 years later, my posts serving now largely to point you towards my other outlets, including my Outside column, and the Bike Forecast, and of course now my radio show.  All of this is to say that in the wake of Rip Torn's death I did take a moment or two to reflect on the fact that I arrived upon the scene an upstart anonymous bike blogger with a cutting sense of humor, and I'm now an an overexposed bloviator who halfheartedly entertains the anecdotes of people who call into radio shows and who can't even get upset about people who salmon in the bike lane anymore.  (I really can't.)

In other words I couldn't be happier with the way things have turned out.

Speaking of my erstwhile sobriquet (that being RTMS, or "Rip Torn's Mug Shot,") not too long ago it gave way to "Tan Tenovo," which of course refers to the unintentionally comic rendering of my bike's make and model on ticket I got while riding my erstwhile Renovo over a year ago:

Well, I pleaded guilty to the alleged offense, and it now occurs to you that I'm remiss in reporting to you that on Friday, July 5th I appeared in traffic court on Fordham Road in the Bronx to mount my defense.  Given that this was right in the middle of a long holiday weekend I admit I had hopes that the ticketing officer would be a no-show, but show he did, and presumably everyone there in the courtroom had felt the sting of his ticket-writing pen.  (I'm assuming I was the only cyclist there, but I don't know for sure, since I was the second person called and I left immediately after the proceedings, as you will soon read.)

After the judge dismissed the first defendant's case due to what seemed to be sloppy note-taking on the part of the officer, he then called me to the stand.  Haltingly, the officer read from his notes, explaining that he had been driving behind a motorist (he kept calling me "motorist") who did not stop for a red signal.  So he stopped said motorist-er, cyclist-in a safe location and duly summonsed him. 

Now, I should point out that I have no recollection of what color the light was, for the simple reason that I didn't look.  I was fresh off of negotiating a very tricky stretch of road, and I was almost home, and as I approached the intersection in question my priorities were as follows:

• Get home safely
• Not inconvenience any pedestrians
• Get home safely

In light of this, as I approached the intersection in question, I saw there were no pedestrians in or near the crosswalk, nor were there any motor vehicles approaching.  And so I made a right turn--on what, according to the officer, was a red light.

That's when I heard the blip of sirens, and next thing I knew I was proffering my ID.

Anyway, as the officer recounted this, I realized I didn't have much of a defense, since if he had in fact been right behind me I couldn't very well claim he didn't see what color the light was.  Therefore, when it came my turn to question the officer, out of pure desperation I opened up a line of interrogation about the configuration of the street.  Specifically, the officer could not say whether there was or wasn't a bike lane on the street on which I was riding (there was), which confirmed my own suspicion that the NYPD are physically unable to see bike lanes, and which would explain why the precinct in which I was ticketed has issued zero (0) tickets for parking in bike lanes since 2018.  I then introduced a new line of questioning about why he didn't use his siren to go through the red light I had supposedly run, but the judge was unmoved--in fact, more than that, he was annoyed.  Swiftly, he found me guilty, and ultimately I alighted back onto Fordham Road $190 poorer.

On the way home, it occurred to me that losing in traffic court is almost exactly like getting dropped from a bike race: you feel embarrassed, you're out a bunch of money, and you keep going over what you might have done differently.  In any case, in retrospect it was all worth it just to hear the officer testify in court that I had been riding a Tan Tenovo bicycle, which gave me a secret little thrill.

Moving on, this weekend I got to spend a little more time on the Jones LWB Plus Complete:

As I mentioned back on July 4th, I'd been forming the impression that the LWB is sort of the galloping horse to the SWB's wild boar, and my last ride only reinforced this notion.  While I was less inclined to change lines on the LWB, there was also less need to do so, since it rolls so easily over roots and rocks.  And inasmuch as I'm a two-wheels-on-the-ground rider more than I am a throw-the-bike-around rider (or, if you want to get technical, a "woosie") I'd say at this point I'm partial to the LWB. 

Then again, I'm the guy who's been commuting on a State Core millennial special:

Call it a midlife crisis, but I've been enjoying this bike (except for the Vans grips, which feel like someone standing on your hands while wearing a pair of vans), and I'm also still pleased with the Two Wheel Gear briefcase:

I'm pretty sure that every single street in the Bronx is currently being resurfaced, and if this thing can stay securely on the rack through all of that than I suspect it can handle pretty much anything.

New Outside Column And More Test Bike Hijinx!

Happy Birthday to Canada's addled downstairs neighbor!

Basically, Canada's just trying to live its life, while we're down here banging on the ceiling with a broomstick.

So why am I popping in during this auspicious holiday?  Well, firstly I figured I'd let you know my new Outside column is up:

Basically it's time to move past the "here's a new bike lane" phase and into the "here's a bold new policy that's going to dramatically reduce the number of cars and trucks on the streets" phase.

Secondly, remember how yesterday I took a ride on the Jones LWB?

Well, today I took the exact same ride, only on the Jones SWB:

And when I say exact I really mean it.  Not only did I leave at the same time as yesterday, but I also wore the same jorts!

So what did these two rides reveal?  Well, the SWB is indeed a more nimble and playful bike, whereas the LWB is smoother and more stable.  Going up steep climbs, taking tight turns, and riding smooth, undulating sections of trail is a bit more fun on the SWB, whereas riding over logs and rough patches is a bit easier on the LWB.  At the same time, it's not like one does a certain thing that much better than the other, so while it all comes down to preference it's also not like you can really go wrong.

Or, if you prefer overblown bike review metaphors, look at it this way:

The LWB is like galloping through the woods on a horse, while the SWB is like ripping through the woods on a wild boar.  On one you're sitting higher up and stepping over everything with grace, while on the other you're closer to the ground and being led by your snout--and I mean that in the best possible way, except that you will occasionally thwack your pendulous boar testis on a root or rock, since as we established yesterday the SWB is more prone to pedal strike.

All of the above is a bit unfair however, because as I mentioned the differences between them are ultimately not that stark, and the two bikes overlap way more than they don't.

So which would I choose?  After all, Jones isn't going to let me hang onto two bikes forever.  Well, yesterday I thought it would be the LWB, but after today I'm less certain, though I am very slightly still leaning that way since I do like the more generous proportions of the LWB and I also value my testis.

But it ain't over 'til the wild boar squeals.

BSNYC Field Trip: New York, NY!

As I mentioned in my previous post, yesterday I traveled the length of the Bronx and Manhattan astride a fixie-type bicycle:

The bicycle is from State, it is from their "Core-Line" of bicycles, and it is in my possession because I recently wrote about it for a certain magazine.  I'll let you know when that gets published (or maybe you can let me know if you come across it before I do), but in the meantime I've been using this as my urban runabout and I must say I'm enjoying it.  Not only does riding the sort of bike I used to deride bring me back to the heady days of "peak fixie" when my blog was still relevant, but the truth is I used to enjoy riding the fixed-gear bicycles myself, and in fact the Ironic Orange Julius Bike was generally fixed of gear back in its heyday:

See, my disdain was never for the drivetrain itself, it was for all the silliness that came with it:

So now that all of that has calmed down I find can enjoy riding one again without all the baggage--even if I'm a good 25 years too old for the aesthetic sensibility of this particular specimen.  (I did consider at least switching the wheels for some less flashy ones I've got laying around, but as soon as I started rummaging through my old drawer o' cogs I realized I didn't feel like it.)  Hey, I've got nothing to prove, and I'm quite comfortable with the fact that everything about a balding man riding around on a bone-stock mail order fixie screams, "Aging guy who reads too many lifestyle magazines giving this 'Bike to Work Week' thing a try."

Also, I have a soft spot for cheap bikes, and this one's even cheaper than the Brand-X I rode at Eroica California this year.  Speaking of which, I keep getting emails like this from Chain Reaction:

Little do they know I wrote a goddamn feature about the bike in Outside magazine.

Yes, in a world full of marketing firms and user reviews sometimes the best press still happens organically.  In fact, on yesterday's ride, as I pedaled along the Hudson River Greenway in a state of sun-and-fixie induced bliss, I noticed with my peripheral vision what appeared to be a gathering of Freds hosing down a fleet of exotic crabon bicycles:

I stopped to investigate.  A sign read "Roula: Cycling Experiences:"

And inside riders were indeed indulging in the most lavish act a New York City cyclist can possibly imagine, that being washing a bicycle outdoors with an actual hose:

Roula, as it turns out, is a company that leads rides and rents high-end Fred Sleds, among other services--and yes, you can also give your bike a sponge bath:

Back when I was edgy and relevant I'd no doubt have ridiculed such an operation, but at this current point in my life I'm this close [indicates tiny distance with fingers] to storing all my bikes with them myself.  Even doing the bare minimum as I do, bike maintenance and curation takes up a disproportionate amount of my scant free time, and I can't really blame anybody for wanting to outsource it, especially if they have the means.  And while paying a company to store your Pinarello Dogma may seem extravagant, I can respect it a hell of a lot more than leasing and garaging a Porsche Cayenne.  (And sure, plenty of people are probably doing both, but every dollar put into the bike industry is a dollar put into the bike industry.)

Of course, while there is still room in today's digital landscape for organic, real-time, physical-world discovery, there's still an entire industry based on bringing things to consumers' attention--and ironically I was on my way to a "media pop-up brand experience" when I happened upon Roula.  This too is something I'd certainly have disparaged when I was edgy and relevant, but now that I spend much of my time cueing up kiddie videos on YouTube I was quite grateful for an excuse to head downtown, ogle grown-up toys, and exchange words with other adults.  And while not everything was bikey, a lot of it was:

Bicycles on display included this one from Alchemy:

I'm just a caveman, and your dual-suspension bicycles frighten and confuse me.  Still, I'm happy to look at them, and this one had a whole asymmetrical chainstay thing going that was interesting in an M.C. Escher-esque kind of way:

There was also a Ritte Snob, the stainless steel bicycle that, to my knowledge, they've never acknowledged is a nod to me:

It looks great up close, and I'm going to assume they've addressed the cosmetic issues because my prototype looks pretty funky these days, as I've previously pointed out:

See?

Again, I must stress that my Ritte is an early prototype, and I have no reason whatsoever to assume that the current production Snobs, which appear to be very well-reviewed, are subject to the same corrosion.

Nevertheless, now that I have two unpainted metal bicycles, the Ritte will soon be moving onto the next chapter in its life, and I'll let you know when it does.

My favorite bicycle on display by far however was this one, which also happens to cost like 10 or 20 times less than the other two bikes:

This is State's new chromoly single-ring 8-speed road bike, and it costs $549.99.  Sure, with a little effort you could probably put together a vintage road bike for less, but this strikes me as a phenomenal deal for anybody who doesn't have the time, parts inventory, or general know-how to do so--which, let's be honest, is most people.  (I'm all in favor of ready-to-ride bikes.)  It's also really nice-looking, especially in person.  Granted, without steering it onto the cobbles I don't know how it does in the chain-retention department, and yes, there's no boss for adding a front downtube shifter (I guess they don't want to spoil those "clean lines), but assuming the chain stays on I smell a hit:

Oh, there was also this e-mountain bike from Specialized, which was positioned in such a way I couldn't get a good shot of it because I suck at photography:

But you already knew that:

A full-suspension e-MTB is so far beyond my purview I'm not even going to attempt to say anything meaningful about it, though I suppose if I lived in a chalet in the Swiss Alps and needed to get around my 100-hectare estate to check on my dairy cows this one would be at the top of my list:

Okay, I know what you're thinking: "You're a total sell-out, Tan Tenovo!  All that crap is douche-tastic."  Wrong!  They're just bikes!  You want douche-tastic?  Check out what they had outside:

The company is Himalaya, and they basically modernize and refurbish Defenders:

I don't know anything about Defenders apart from the fact that they're iconic vehicles with a cult following, so I'll leave it to the auto-Freds out there to pass judgment:

They definitely looked good, but they also seemed like the kind of thing you buy with our Axe Capital bonus and then drive once a year with your bros when you're out in the Hamptons:

Oh, they also do refurbished forklifts:

Just kidding.

Oh, I should add they did offer to let me drive one, and while I briefly considered it I ultimately declined, for the simple reason that I was kind of grossed out by the idea of driving a car that costs over $100,000 on the Bowery.

Anyway, they were smart to have the douche chariots on hand, because it made the offerings from Silca seem impossibly modest by comparison:

Sure, your hardware store hex keys may work fine, but do they come in a presentation box?

The real danger here is you get addicted to the sublimely balanced hand-feel of this exquisite toolset and wind up carrying this fucking thing around with you on every ride.

Oh, and if you're a terminal pressure weenie, here's the Bluetooth mini-pump you know you want:

Sorry, I did't mean "pressure weenie," I meant "discerning cyclist:"

It is a really nice pump though, and they do offer an old-fashioned analog version which, while not cheap, certainly isn't wildly expensive if you keep it for 20 years.  (I have a Blackburn mini pump older than that so I don't see why this wouldn't offer the same long-term value.)

As for the $70 titanium bottle cage, it's amusing to think that if you had four bikes and equipped each of them with two of these you'd have spent more than one of those State bikes costs:

Also on display were the full suite of CBD products from Floyd's of Leadville:

Artisanal nutrition from Osmo:

Hipster binoculars, because birdwatching is trendy now:

And of course "adventure deodorant:"

Because you gotta smell good when you're out cruising in your custom Defender:

Anyway, inasmuch as I spend most of my working hours on the couch wearing yesterday's clothes this dip into the frothy waters of consumerism was oddly invigorating, and even the many, many bike lane obstructions couldn't bring me down.

Then again, maybe it was all the CBD oil.