Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

First things firstly, here's a new Outside column in which I solve all society's problems yet again:

If only kids spent more time on bikes then maybe they'd finally give up pernicious pursuits such as listening to rock music, disrespecting their elders, and wearing sneakers and dungarees.

I mean really, calling politicians on their bullshit in the wake of the Parkland shooting after governmental lack of action has led directly to the deaths of their friends and family members?  Such impudence!

Speaking of which, last week I mentioned that some of cycling's best-known brands are owned by an ammunition maker:

As it happens, at the moment I own two (2) bicycling helmets (helments).  One is a Giro Atmos, and one is an inexpensive Bell I purchased as a "gap helmet" to use until I got around to replacing the broken "Roc Loc" thingy on the aforementioned Giro (and in the process realized there's virtually no difference in comfort between a cheap helmet and an expensive one).  This puts me in a bind.  On one hand, I don't like guns, so I prefer not to display either logo given the current climate.  On the other hand, I don't like helmets, so I don't want to support the Foam Hat Industrial Complex by purchasing a new one.

Oh sure, the answer might seem simple: "Just don't wear a helmet, done and done."  Well, it's not that simple.  See, while I spend plenty of my riding time exposing my balding pate to the melanoma-giving rays of the sun, I'm also a recovering Fred in the throes of a midlife Fred crisis, as well as a world-famous semi-professional cycling scribe.  This means there are certain times when I have to wear a helmet.  Consider, for example, that last summer I took part in the Brompton World Championships:

Foam hats were compulsory for the event, and who am I to argue?  Bike racing is inherently stupid, and a crucial part of that stupidity is unquestioning adherence to rules, whatever they may be.  So whether the rules say to wear a helmet, or to don a blazer, or even to be conformingly irreverent (as is the case with the various singlespeed world championships), you just do it, no questions asked.

The point is, I reserve the right to participate in organized cycling events, and when I do I have no problem wearing the required headgear.  At the same time, I refuse to "upgrade" my helmetry at this point simply to avoid displaying a tainted brand, since discarding a hunk of non-biodegradable foam at fixed intervals and purchasing a new one seems not only wasteful but ridiculous.

So clearly there's only one option for me, and that's to fashion a helmet out of a coconut:

Khum Wongsaeng, 73, a Chiang Mai resident is taking part and has modified a coconut shell as a bicycle helmet. He has ridden from Chiang Mai to Bangkok more than four times and said that he is still fit. A foreigner wanted to buy his coconut shell helmet for 5,000 baht but he refused as the coconut shell helmet had saved his life once before.

It's a scientific fact that if you survive any sort of incident your survival is entirely due to whatever you happened to be wearing on your head at the time.

Anyway, I certainly could have found plenty of coconuts while on vacation last week.  So where was I, you ask?  All I know is that one day I was riding through Central Park:

And the next day I was walking on the beach:

I'm pleased to report I refrained from riding my bicycle on the beach like the gentleman pictured above--and not because I didn't have the appropriate beach bike:

And my options weren't limited to beach riding.  I also happened to be right on the local Fred route.  However, it seems to me that instead of squandering my leisure time on some flat out-and-back road riding along a route I've already ridden plenty of times on previous visits it made a lot more sense to spend it all on the beach and by the pool.

Hey, if we were staying by Mt. Lemmon or something it might be a different story, but we weren't and I regret nothing.

Finally, this year's NAHBS took place the weekend before last a mere century ride from my home, but alas I did not attend--partially because I was going away and partially because Don Walker hates me, but mostly because I really wasn't paying attention because I get all my custom bike drooling done at the Philly Bike Expo.  Nevertheless, of course I perused James Huang's coverage, since he's without a doubt the go-to chronicler of that event.  And while in 2018 nobody can shut up about the performance benefits of disc brakes and fat tires, it was almost a relief to see people are still making clearance porn:

Seems almost quaint now, doesn't it?