Monday, December 11, 2017

Up And At 'Em!

Good morning!  Firstly, awhile back I was a guest on Lifehacker's "The Upgrade" podcast, and I see from the Twitter this morning that now the episode is ready to go into your ears:

Don't worry, I won't judge you if you listen to it while riding.

Secondly, in the context of plugging a recent Outside column, I noted a phenomenon I call the "Minnesota Humblebrag:"


Basically, the idea is that any mention of cycling and winter will result in at least one (1) Minnesotan working in a seemingly casual yet in fact highly contrived reference to how cold it is there:


All you have to do is, say, mention gloves and in comes Captain Snotsicle with a question he already knows the answer to, like "When riding in temperatures of −128.6 °F, which glove material do you recommend, PVC or Neoprene?"

Anyway, my latest Outside column has hit the Facebook:


And here comes Fred Frost right on cue:

Jack Kukowski The author has obviously never lived in Minnesota, where windchill values in winter (and sometimes the actual temperature) regularly dip to -30 or lower...working up a good sweat inside my house on my trainer during evenings like that IS time well spent...

Hmmm, I thought the tipoff that I've never lived in Minnesota is my sophistication and erudition, go figure.

And of course there was the usual deluge of indignant commentary:

Stephanie Morris This article reminded me why I don't read Outside any more.

Except you obviously do read Outside.  Presumably she also wakes up hung over every morning, heads over to Finlandia's Facebook page, and tells them their vodka is why she doesn't drink anymore.

Then there's my favorite, which is when people double down on the thing you're poking fun of as if that's somehow convincing:

Natasha Hilts I guess you’ve never been on a Peloton. It’s more than a bike and definitely not a hamster wheel. Suck it #Ridepeloton

Ah yes, Peloton:



I could totally relate:


"This is your house."

No.  That is so not my house.


"This is you waking up."

Again, no.  I wake up in a bed full of empty Finlandia bottles and puke and proceed to excoriate them on social media.


"This is you, tiptoeing past your family while they're still asleep."

Wait, is she bailing on the family and starting a new life somewhere else?


"This is what you woke up for.  This is your Peloton."

No, I woke up to go to the toilet.  And if I lived in a beautiful modern house in the forest the last thing I'd do is climb onto an overpriced exercise bike and work out with other people on a video screen.  I'd go outside and enjoy some nature sounds.  Maybe I'd even meditate next to a stream or some shit before the kids wake up and start braying for breakfast:




"When fashioning a mandala in sub-zero temperatures and 100mph winds what's the best kind of gravel to use?"


Anyway, you've got to love the irony of people who read a magazine called "Outside" being offended at the notion that instead of riding the trainer you should go outside.

48 comments:

N/A said...

If you don't have a fat bike, and the weather is too shit to ride, check this out: Walk in it. Take a hike. See things at a different speed.

Fuckin' crazy, right?

haven't read the Outside article, yet. Heading there shortly.

NHcycler said...

Obviously the author has never ridden in the winter, being from the balmy southern latitudes of NYC.

Here in New Hampshire, where it actually gets cold in the winter, we install our special, kept in reserve, studded tire wheelsets and get rolling! Our cleated winter boots are from Finland, er, Minnesota, and the pogies on our bars are from, er, probably Minnesota. But they're warm!

Now to put the snow tires on the car...

Cameron Murphy said...

You know... Early bird, worms, etc.

Thomas Bubier said...

Wahoooooooo its Monday!!

Knüt Fredriksson said...

Don't kids ice skate to school in Minnesota?
https://goo.gl/images/UQtqMT

Anonymous said...

Minnesota dude was asking what age he can let his kids ride outside in the cold? I'm sure he can figure that out without your help. But news flash... your second-grader isn't going to spin on an exercise bike, whether or not you let him ride outside.

weasel said...

I'm braying for summer

Fred Gravelly said...

Lol! Can you do a "gravel report" to show how rediculous & insulting using the word "gravel" before every product is?

Knüt Fredriksson said...

I'm pretty sure that if you child grows up in Minnesota that they receive studded tires on their 5th birthday. Ice skates are given to children as soon as they learn to walk.
Is "Skate Packing" the next big thing?

streepo said...

I'm braying "scranus"

Fit as a Fiddle said...

I've seen Poloton commericals and while watching I always wonder why only women with medium-large breasts ride them? Perhaps you could go on a fact finding missing and report the results in a future issue.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Top Twenty? Scrani all around!

dan said...

re: how old do your kids need to be to ride in the cold:

https://imgur.com/SufgVRJ

my kid was 2 1/2 at that point, and he did just fine. (heck, better than I do on that sort of ice, to be honest, no studs or anything)

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...What if Jesus wore a helment? would you still lack faith in Him?

Pist Off said...

Homeless people actually live Outside and I bet they don’t read that magazine or equate their consumer purchasing with their athletic prowess.

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but I rode to work today, notwithstanding a prominent bike blogger's advisories on that Transportation Advocacy site, concerning a black ice alert, a snow glare warning, a flat tire caution, and a fender ukase.

According to my dog, a fender ukase is where you keep a Stratocaster.



Freddy Murcks said...

When I saw the Peleton commercial I was too busy scoffing to get the real message. A normal person would get up and go for a mountain bike ride if they actually lived in that beautiful, verdant green forest. Of course people who ride spinner bikes alone in their houses aren't normal. I can see going to a gym and participating in a spinning class (I have actually even done that); at least it's a social activity. Riding a spinner bike by yourself seems like a sure path to terminal loneliness and suicidal thoughts.

theEel said...

weed.

82medici said...

Hey Minnesota, New Hampshire, et al. No talking about how cold it is until you spend some time in Ulaanbaatar where the ANNUAL mean temperature is 31F. The average high temp in January is 4. And no Strava segments.

To prove I was not a robot I had to click images until there were no cars left. If only.

Anonymous said...


Fattie on Saturday through the park trails, biked to work on studded commuter this morning in the snow/sleet. Honestly, it's a little hot when the temp is 28F (-2C).


MN Man
(with a trainer in the basement, too)
(And ran 9 miles on Sunday outside, but also do run on the treadmill watching netflix)

Paul Heckbert said...

"I wake up in a bed full of empty Finlandia bottles and puke ... before the kids wake up and start braying for breakfast".

Thank you, Snob.

Hee Haw the barista said...

People who read Outside most definitely spend little time outside.

The hobo living in a tarp tent in my ally in Edmonton, otoh, should probably have his own survival show.

dnk said...

I don't mean to humblebrag, but I've never been to Lake Woebegone.

Also, my pajamas are terribly cozy.

Self-extracted WI hillbilly said...

Some will never understand the logic of the Snob.

Thank you for the well written Monday morning commentary!

Mr Plow said...

I came for the sarcasm and stayed for the snark. Good one snob!

Jean-Francois Caron said...

Sometimes I feel like you mostly write Outdoor Magazine articles to get blowback that serves as material for your blog. Good work!

Bryan said...

You missed referencing the BEST one!
Alan Dempsey...
Tell this to all the Pro triathletes who do 90% of their cycling on the trainer year round..

blunchbelly said...

Knut Fredricksson love the video! Always refreshing to see folks having fun with activities that are not yet a “thing”. You know written about and needing new purchases.

Objectivied said...

Enjoyed very much the elucidation of the irony inherent in Outside's readers' comments.

Is that a sentence? You get what I mean (?).

Olle Nilsson said...

Good thing I read it to the end because my comment was basically going to match your last statement.

I suppose it's possible that Agoraphobics are prescribed a subscription to Outside by their therapists and they're just lashing out because they're not ready to make the leap across the threshold.

Oh, and none of you know cold until you come to Canada. Oh wait, I'm in Vancouver. Never mind.

Anonymous said...

Anyone want to start a betting pool on when the Snob gets pink slipped by Outside? Their demographic seems way to douchy and humorless for this to go on much longer.

Drock said...

Real outdoor people read nature not magazines. I read a tree two days ago, it said, “ dear fox, this ain’t your personal scent stick, take that over to the oak grove please.” I read bikesnobnyc via a discarded tablet I found in stream bed, power beginning to run low, must stop commenting.

Anonymous said...

Either bundle up and ride or bundle up and do something else like run, snowshoe or cross country ski. Trainers are for misanthropes and maybe pros (though mostly for people who fancy themselves potential pros but who actually suck) but not for me.

dancesonpedals said...

This not my beautiful house?! This is not my beautiful wife?!

You may ask yourself, MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!


ps...David Byrne doesn't drive a peloton

JLRB said...

DOP - You took the words right out of my keyboard...

let the water hold you down

Anonymous said...

it is a little daunting to head outside when the temperatures drop below 30-35F or so, for me anyway. I have to put on long bib, booties, hat, gloves, etc and I feel a little stupid and think to myself is it really worth it just to go for a bike ride? Glad this is my last winter in NYC before heading off to the eternal spring of SF. Not to mention the riding is a lot better out there. Sorry NYC, it's just a fact.

Anonymous said...

No sweat. Ride your trainer outside.

Anonymous said...

“Anyway, you've got to love the irony of people who read a magazine called "Outside" being offended at the notion that instead of riding the trainer you should go outside.”

Gold!

A 1988 Schwinn airdyne is better than that over priced “Peloton”, which is NOTHING like riding in a actual peloton.

Yeah, yeah. I’m in NH, too and we haven’t had a decent winter to have groomed snowmobile trails to ride in years, at least in the southern tier of the state. Snow storm scheuduled for tomorrow’s antiwork activities. Enjoy!

*select images with a fire hydrant...

Anonymous said...

I would ride a Peloton trainer bike inside if I was a murderous AI locked inside a beautiful modern home with Oscar Isaac.

fourhourerection said...

The best part of your blog is you handing the smug haters their collective smug heads.

Bogusboy said...

Could be I've mentioned this before, but the obvious solution to this conundrum is to GO SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO RIDE A FUCKING TRAINER!!!

Ze Cherman said...

Anonymous @ 5:22 I think you might find Snobbie's Outside column re bike clothing useful. Plus you're not in Minnesota so where's the problem?

Outside readers unable to survive outside is a meme in the making.

wle said...

"Anyway, you've got to love the irony of people who read a magazine called "Outside" being offended at the notion that instead of riding the trainer you should go outside."


--WAIT ---i thought she DIDN'T read it... which is it?

mander said...

I always enjoy the masses' reaction to your Outside clickbait pieces Snob! Keep up the good work.

JLRB said...

Vrroom Vrrooom

Grinner said...

Dear Mr. Snob:

Regarding Minnesota and cycling in the cold: I've commuted by bike in the winter in Minnesota, and it was no worse than commuting in NYC on January 3, 2008 (see http://bikesnobnyc.blogspot.in/2008/01/something-to-ponder-is-there-fixed-gear.html). In fact, Minnesota commuting is easier, because the pedestrians are polite enough to stay off the bike side of the bridges.

Don't let those Minnesotans push you around.

Xophere said...

I propose a book review.

https://www.velopress.com/books/gravel-cycling/

Anonymous said...

I tried to ride my Arrow e-bike home in the snowstorm on Saturday. Everything worked fine, except... the front chainring iced up, preventing the chain from resting properly on it. The chainring has guards on either side, which I happen to know on this bike are essential to keeping the chain on (in good weather). So basically, the pedal drivetrain didn't work, although the motor still worked just fine.

Sigh, that was disappointing. The thing works in just about any weather EXCEPT active snowing.

Still, no need for the hamster wheel. I was quite happy to catch a ride the rest of th way home, and not go out again (or ride a hamster wheel).