Thursday, September 21, 2017

Who Will Save The World From Cyclists?

Firstly, Sha Na Na Tovah to all my Jewish friends:


Did I say it right?

Secondly, I recommend you check out today's Bike Forecast for your reading enjoyment:


It's all about a recent Inside Edition story that reduces human beings to a swarm of locusts and abets the auto-industrial complex's ongoing attempt to criminalize cycling.

Moving on, the UCI has elected a new president:


So what does this mean?  Well, it's kind of like when Specialized or Trek or whoever uses a new carbon fiber modulus, in that it allows them to slap a different label on it but in practice it makes no difference whatsoever.

The truth is that a UCI president with teeth would eliminate every single discipline except for artistic cycling:



This is because it's the only one that doesn't exist entirely to feed the delusions of middle-aged Freds and Fredericas.  Well, that and radball:



And possibly BMX:



And I suppose trials:


Though I would absolutely love it if the masters racers set all took up trials.

By the way, if you think about it, trials is the polar opposite of triathlon.  One reduces cycling entirely to bike-handling, while the other completely eliminates it.  Even the bikes couldn't be more different:


If I was forced to choose between these two bicycles I have no idea which one I'd go with: the one that is only useful for hopping around Alpine logging sites, or the one that looks like something you'd use to prep for a colonoscopy.

In other news of athletic feats, British endurance cyclists Mark Beaumont has completed a record-breaking circumcision of the globe:


During his first 29 days, Mark broke a record for the Farthest distance cycled in one month: 11,315.29 km (7,031 miles).

The long-distance athlete set off in Paris on 2 July, before cycling through Europe, Russia and China – the first stage of his journey – and then moving on to reach Western Australia on 31 July.

“This was a fantastic milestone to achieve during the challenge of getting around the world in eighty days. I hope it is used as a marker for other cyclists to go and smash in the near future,” he said.

Another Guinness record they fail to mention is that he created the world's longest Strava segment.

And further to yesterday's post, in which we met comedian and conspiracy theorist Mitch Henck, more Wisconsinites have joined the eternal struggle to save the world from cyclists:


Yes, the "Stop Bad Bicyclists" movement is sure to pick up steam once this horrifying video goes viral:



My heart skipped a beat, I don't know about yours.

Of course filming that video while driving was probably the most dangerous thing happening in that video, but once we rid the world of these killer cyclists then maybe we can move onto these far less urgent matters.

Seriously, we cyclists will destroy the earth if you let us:
It's true, drivers don't eat so it totally adds up.

42 comments:

Wrench Monkey said...

Harumph!

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Podium!

Wrench Monkey said...

Harumph!

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Podium?

Wrench Monkey said...

Well?

hellbelly said...

Urgent podio matters!

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...


Moderated Podio !!!


vsk

McFly said...

Rash Hush Hannah?

Anonymous said...

Its my lucky day!

Nogocyclist said...

No comments or is it just no approved comments yet?

Anonymous said...

Its my lucky day!

GreySpoke said...

Circumcised the globe in 43 days?

GreySpoke said...

Drive-thru's were invented to assist Domestiques during the roaring '30s

N/A said...

I had Chipotle last night, so that ain't CO2 I'm emitting.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Missed the sprint, SCRANUS!

82medici said...

Shanah tovah

Wow! No hemlets in either artistic cycling or rad-ball. They are all going to die!!

But seriously, I am ready to start a rad-ball league.

Bill said...

Reading employment!

Wrench Monkey said...

Something was up with comment posting, so please disregard my second Harumph! and adjust the podium accordingly. I'm keeping the prize money, though.

Hee Haw the barista said...

AUTO FAST

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Mark Beaumont, that's an impressive global circumcision, but get back to me when you complete the water transitions on one of these.

Bigfoot Please Deliver a Big said...

A carbon footprint in the rectums of Paul and Stephen.

Anonymous said...

Lieutenant Oblivious @ 2:17 PM:

He's not wearing a helmet while riding across the English Channel? Horrors!

bad boy of the south said...

Carbon footprint my a**!

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

HivemindX said...

I'm aware that nobody cares but the local spokesman for cars (who for some reason is called on to talk about transport planning in general) recently pulled this CO2 bullshit.

First of all you have to ignore the other poisonous shit that cars pump out. How much nitrous oxide does a cyclist produce? Is it none? So your car is producing infinitely more right?. Just to be clear.

Next you have to ignore the fact that the CO2 cyclists breath out is part of the normal carbon cycle of the stuff that is already in the atmosphere whereas the stuff cars give off was safely locked up for eons until someone decided they need two tons of metal to go to the corner shop.

Only then can you start worrying about whether the average motorist eats more than the average cyclist or not and if people in cars are breathing.

Alex Yockey said...

I follow all kinds of cycling blogs and groups on Facebook and I learn about the new UCI president from this blog. Is that irony?

leroy said...

Every year, my dog convinces me to go to Times Square with him to see the New Year's Eve Matzo Ball drop.

Every year, I wake up the next morning with a Kedem wine hangover, a Klezmer induced headache, and his assurances that it was an awesome spectacle and I would have seen it had my view not been blocked by either the TKTS kiosk, a hot dog vendor, three costumed Elmos, a row of street portraiture easels, or the backside of an NYPD horse.

I'm beginning think he may be taking advantage of my trusting nature.

Bryan Bracy said...

Snob,
I am certainly shocked and amazed not to read about 2017 International Cycling Safety Conference - UC Davis in today's blog. Are you just mad you didn't get an invite? This is the first time it's been held on our land too. Oh, and btw, Davis, CA is the bike capital of the United States according to the morning news.

dnk said...

Hey people. I'm selling carbon emissions credits. Offset your biking habits.

Four for a dollar, or twenty pack for a bag of weed.

Meet me at the 45th and 1st Avenue today at 5 pm.

Cash/bitcoin/weed only.

Anonymous said...

I would have to agree that a proper circumcision of the globe would have to include the water sections. perhaps with the aid of four skin divers.

Manitowoc is Nowheres-ville said...

Manitowoc population ~35,000 has far less going on than Paoli, Wi pop-~3,000 for example, (or numerous other small towns like Stoughton, Ephraim, Mt. Horeb, New Glarus.... really >50 smaller towns in WI) Ironically the bike trail along the lake is one of the top attractions, besides a couple lame museums. So I suppose obsessing about no-handed bike riding like Stop Bad Bicyclists guy is about the most interesting thing to do in Manitowoc.

"Fun in Manitowoc----HELP
I have been there 3 times in the last 6 months. I can not find anything! When I asked several different bartenders and patrons, they looked at me like I was nuts! My husband works/lives there during the week and he has NEVER found any live music or a DJ in a bar. Still looking though. Thanks!"

Steely Danzig said...

chris harne

bad boy of the south said...

That was great to see those kids on the cross bronx.one of if not the worst arteries in the great metropolis of ny.about a thousand years ago,we narrowly missed being in a deadly pile up while on the way to long island.one of the worst accidents I came upon.holy smokes!

Dooth said...

Bowzer looks unrecognizable on that Sha Na Na album cover.

Anonymous said...

I live in WI and Stop Bad Bicyclists is a known troll. I wouldn't doubt if this account has monetary backing from political institutions.

Snob, you know that Trek is from WI right. They are involved in politics and other political idiots try to block anything related because that's "less money for Trek", which in turn is less money for their opponents.

Pretty sad.

Anonymous said...

Ride the big Ferry across that big lake to Luddington and back. Whoop !
Search out "Shoot The Bull" bar. There's a big bull looking back with a target on its butt with an arrow sticking out its arse. They let me bring my bike in and prop it up on the bar stool beside me, got several free drinks for that. The ride back to the hotel was exciting. Honk, Whoops, Whoops, Honk, etc !

GW Hayduke said...

I always wondered what Flip Wilson's female alter ego's last name was...

bieks said...

If you wear Dr Scholl's your carbon footprint is off the chart. Don't even think of getting carbon road shoes.

Anonymous said...

The claim about cycling CO2 being worse than cars comes from an actual study.
I looked at it. And yes the math seems correct.
What is weird about it is that the author assumes that the extra calories for cycling come from literally pounds of lettuce being grown and flown in from other continents daily and therefore adds the emissions from the planes and the required clearing of rainforest into the calculation. So no bias in that claim at all. /s

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Did you mention anything about a Friday post/and/or fum quiz or lack thereof?

BikeSnobNYC said...

recumbent conspiracy theorist,

No.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

JLRB said...

Ps - I like the moderated comments - less pictures to identify etc