Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Sorry I'm late, I forgot I wasn't on vacation anymore.

***Two things: 1) Read the Bike Forecast; B) Register for the NYC Century; 3) That's it, I said only two things, remember?***

Remember back in the hindquarters of the Dachshund of Time:


When athletes knew how to dress?

Pugilists wore tights and sashes and didn't skimp on the hair cream:


Swimmers wore stripey "prison chic" unitards:


And cyclists dressed like Waldo from "Where's Waldo?"



Well you'll be pleased to know that today's Fredly fashions are now seeking inspiration from the sartorial spirit of yesteryear.  Meet the Café du Cycliste Annabelle bib shorts, complete with integrated base layer:

Even in hot weather (the Colorado front range frequently experiences temps in the high 90s) the Annabelle bibs felt airy and comfortable. Café du Cycliste touts the upper as efficient when it comes to moisture-wicking, and that seemed to play out on the road. Perhaps this was more noticeable because the Annabelles don’t have any bib straps to rub against the rider’s shoulders and chest, which leads to discomfort and chafing — especially when the skin gets coated in sweat. The built-in base layer distributes the weight of the bibs evenly across the shoulders and sits flush against the back and chest, which contributes to a second-skin feel.

Am I the only person who's never experienced chafing from my bib short straps?  I mean sure, my nipples are all calloused from breastfeeding, but still.  Regardless, always make sure to use this product in conjunction with the appropriate mustache:


Alas, there was only one problem with old-timey athletic costumes, which is that they didn't include foam hats:


See, everybody knows bicycle helmets are over 100% effective.  This is why cyclist head injuries no longer occur in places where they are mandatory, such as Australia and Seattle.  Here's an infographic to help you understand:


(Helmets = Immortality)

Also, did you know that 99.9% of helmetless cyclists who were hit by drivers had it coming?  It's true, I read it in the Constitution, or the Bible, I forget which:


Anyway, there's only one problem with helmets, and it's this:

How do you sell even more of them?

Step 1 was convincing people that not wearing a helmet is tantamount to suicide.
Step 2 was making them believe that something made out of a material that will remain in the environment until roughly the end of time somehow needs to be replaced every few years.
Step 3 was telling you that you need more vents and charging you more money for less helmet.
Step 4 was telling you that now you need fewer vents (to wit: Giro Air Attack).

And here comes the latest innovation, which is having a different number of vents for absoutely everything, which is what Oakley is now going for:


Oakley claim venting at the side and the back creates a vortex for the air to be pushed out the back to make you faster, which is why prominent venting still appears on the aero road and TT helmets. The BOA system used on the two road helmets is unique to Oakley, and instead of a cradle that fits all the way around your head there is a subtle lace either side, which not only adds to the comfort but also makes it far easier to fit your eyewear under your helmet (we tried it with some Oakley shades, it certainly works a treat). Vents on the front of the ARO 3 and 5 are also designed to hold your shades easier when the sun goes in. 

Everything in bicycle marketing is like the miracle of the loaves and the fishes.  Remember how they managed to turn the road bike into four bikes?  (That's "all-around road," "aero road," "endurance road," and "gravel" in case you're having trouble keeping track.)  Now you've got to choose a different Oakley helmet depending on which one of those bikes you're riding.  Not that offering lots of different helmets is a new thing, but whereas it used to be the range would go from cheap to expensive, now they're all expensive but can only be used in certain situations.  At this rate it's only a matter of time before the discriminating Fred or Frederica will be expected to have at least as many $200 helmets as they have socks.

Of course you could always just skip the helmet altogether, but then you wouldn't be able to participate in sanctioned bicycle races, Gran Fondos, or massive charity rides--plus you'll find yourself on the receiving end of all sorts of scorn from the Fredly Do-Right set.

In other words, there's pretty much no downside.

Finally, here's the fixed gear gravel "edit" you knew deep in your heart had to happen someday:


You've got to give 'em credit for coming up with something even more boring than the trackstand.

60 comments:

1904 Cadardi said...

Wow

1904 Cadardi said...

Wow, top of the pile?

Anonymous said...

watched the video - wtf

Hee Haw the barista said...

STON EAGE

MolassesChamois said...

Scotium Maximus

Anonymous said...

everything in moderation

MolassesChamois said...

Holy underwear!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I'M FIRST AND I READ IT?

MolassesChamois said...

Crackstand!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

BTW, I've been on leave since June... what did I miss?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Wait, did I miss the fact that comments are curated now?

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...more on topic, I happened to cycle in Italy for a long time this summer. If you want to see Freds all decked out on crabon chariots, bib shorts and spandexy attire AND no helments, just go to Italy. Many of them only don a bandana... so they look more like modern day pirates than weekend warriors.

Phil said...

Bonjour!

Seattle lone wolf said...

Heynow!

Phildefer said...

Bonjour!

Anonymous said...

Two firsts in a row (after reading)? Charm City.

another schoolteacher said...

podium

Anonymous said...

Scranular podio!

1904 Cadardi said...

So, while I'm waiting for the moderator to approve comments (moderator? here? It's like the USCF finally realizing that people were having fun at Gran Fondos and decided that needed to stop so they figured they'd just pop in an try to enforce some rules) I figured I would read the Outsideway column published by Wildcat Inc. LLC. on the beauty of short rides and in short: yes.

I've been a fan of short rides for years, because frequently that's all I have time, weather, energy, etc. to do. Back in my racing days Mondays were "recovery" days and Fridays were "rest" days so there were at least two planned short rides a week. Then, exactly as you wrote, I developed "a career" and formed "relationships" and didn't have time for longer rides, so I had to savor what I could get: an hour at lunch, a commute, spin the in the evening after walking the dog. I rode the 8 block to a Dairy Queen for ice cream the other day and it was nice.

Anyone that says they don't have time for a ride so they will go to a gym instead isn't a cyclist, they are a bicycling enthusiast. In many ways enjoying the beauty of a short ride may be the mark of a true cyclist. (note: I may also be an arrogant pretentious jerk, but I'll never criticize when someone says they went for a short ride).

bad boy of the south said...

What about bibs?

Anonymous said...

Just walking back to retreive my camera...

Anonymous said...

Everybody sleeping??

Atherton said...

Foist

Anonymous said...

First?

BamaPhred said...

Podiodio

bad boy of the south said...

Hello, I must be going.

Anonymous said...

Seems everyone else thought you were still on vacation too

Anonymous said...

Friggin fixed gear gravel grinding - to a stop...

BamaPhred said...

I guess podiodio'ing is a thing of the past.

I too have never noticed the chaffing of the bib short straps.

Like I'm gonna Fred around in that sartorial cycling kit nightmare.

Thanks for the warning.

N/A said...

Are the vents in those helments gravel-ready?

Anonymous said...

Oh! Look at that! Finally shutting down the ass-hat commenters! I never understand people who complain about well reasoned breaks from the groupthink and awesome sarcasm...

I really need to come up with my own handle instead of the rare anon post...

Bill said...

Nothing

Bill said...

Nothing much!

Bill said...

Approval, suck it!

Anonymous said...

The guy in the fixed gear gravel video even covers his face in shame walking back to the camera! I presume he didn't want to be seen struggling to ride it back?

Bill said...

The man took my comment! Dictatorship in action.

Bill said...

You have my approval to jump in a lake!

Anonymous said...

Appropriating prison chic for the disposable income set. That's racist, of course, which Café du Cycliste would know if it weren't from Colorado

No helmet equals freedom from fear said...

There are so many upsides to not wearing a helmet that i am not going to waste time listing them all, but i really like how you have phrased it:

"Of course you could always just skip the helmet altogether, but then you wouldn't be able to participate in sanctioned bicycle races, Gran Fondos, or massive charity rides--plus you'll find yourself on the receiving end of all sorts of scorn from the Fredly Do-Right set.

In other words, there's pretty much no downside."

G said...

Omygod! First! I am so grateful. What a beautiful birthday present. Thanks for keeping it real all these years, wildcat. Peace.

1904 Cadardi said...

I have some bib knickers with somewhat scratchy, maybe even abrasive straps, but being knickers I only wear then when it's cold enough to warrant a base layer so it's only ever been a problem the one time I forgot a t-shirt. It wasn't band-aid over the nipple scratchy, just a little annoying and certainly not annoying enough to switch to a circa 1920 bathing costume. Yikes!

Was that guy on the fixed gear trying whip skid and hit the camera?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

I just hope I'll be allowed to stay. I'm not sure I would approve my own comments sometimes!

In addition to WCRM's fine contributions, Outside Magazine has now called out fake service dogs. Leroy, does your dog think this is a thing?

Grump said...

Snobby, just so I can get my head around it, where exactly on the Dachshund of Time, would a freewheel type Spinergy Rev-X appear???? Would it be "old school", "olden days", or as some would claim, the "Stone Age"?

janinedm said...

Did y'all miss it? Some anon was trying to make the comments section great again yesterday. Called everybody libtards and everything. A regular fuckin Cato the Younger. Anyway, I have a bunch of different helmets. I wonder if that was my gateway to not wearing them all the time? I starting dating my helmet to the situation and then slowly began to realize that there were a couple of situations when I didn't need any helmet. I have my sporty helmet that I wear on my swoop-y handlebar bike. I have my warm weather precipitation helmet. I have my cold weather precipitation helmet. I have my really cold weather helmet with russian hat earflaps...

Anonymous said...

SNOB RULZ

Anonymous said...

Bib Tights seemed like a great idea, til they rubbed my nipples raw! Not sure, how they could not really do this to EVERYBODY, so then the question: are there people with no nipples who can wear them?
What was the fixie dickless wonder trying to do? why did he walk back to turn off the camera when he could ride? - masmojo

BamaPhred said...

I don't know what kind of feels to feel about this.
A local senior citizen was severely injured on a local bike path.
Trying to dodge a stray dog,
Launched over the handlebars, hit head.
TBI, Lifetime of care.
Sued the helmet company.
The local jury concluded that the helmet company was NOT liable.
If you know anything about Alabama juries, that is shocking in and of itself.
The point, the helmet did not do the job it was marketed and sold to do.
The blame was shifted to the victim for not wearing it properly.
This from a state were another person basically hit the lottery for squirting talcum powder up her hoo-hoo for years.
Some days I just give up and go ride the rest of the day.
Today it will be rural Fred kit sans helment.

wle said...

A. I don;t want to read the bike forecast, i'm in atlanta --- B. When I do read it, 99% of the time NYC has the same weather -- C. You missed the best way to sell more foam hats, which is EXPIRATION DATES! (i could see an expiration date as a function of schmelmet-al aroma but these are apparentl based solely on the calendar!!!)

BikeSnobNYC said...

wle,

I mentioned that in Step 2.

--Wildcat Etc.

dancesonpedals said...

My Nipples Explode With Delight!

Anonymous said...

I'm generally a minimalist when it comes to everything, except bike crap. I just can't help myself. although I only have two helmuts. Three bikes though. And enough spare parts to support a pro team. I'm able to talk myself into bike related purchases that are absolutely unnecessary, and I know it at the time. I do this time and time again, somehow expecting some kind of revelatory experience with the lasted purchase. What is wrong with me. I must be trying to compensate for something from my childhood. Lob help me.

bieks said...

If you have a gravel specific bike you are guaranteed not to crash. Therefore a gravel specific helmet is not required.

Dooth said...

I'll stick with travel bikes. Always reliable.

ken e. said...

welcome back snob! nipple chafe is a thing, because there are the words together, right there. just sayin'. pirate-style bibs are prolly not gonna stop it.

Die free said...

Two days, two glorious days. Thanks snobby.

Matt said...

Damn....so now not only do I need to worry about how much tire pressure I have, or what type/width of rims I'm on, or if I'm on a road bike or a gravel bike or an aero bike or a mt bike and if it matches the terrain I'm actually riding, but now I need to worry about #howmanyventsurunning. This is all too much...I surrender. Time to binge watch Game of Thrones, Mr. Mercedes, Walking Dead, Breaking Bad and Band of Brothers (all non stop).

Anonymous said...

You should write a ski blog. Talk about helmet hysteria. They've convinced millions of skiers to buy an expensive, awkward accessory that no one except racers need. Stats show a remarkably low incidence of head injuries, despite high-profile stories about Sonny Bono and Michael Schumacher dying from head injuries while skiing.

That being said, I always wear a helmet while cycling.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Couldn't agree more about helmets whilst skiing. If you are skiing in the trees or doing tricks, sure. But if you are skiing under control on well-groomed terrain, wholly unnecessary.

News flash: snow is soft.

Now, however, if you ski without a helmet, you get a bunch of dirty looks and tsk-tsk's.

Anonymous said...

Youse guize could just put some menthol taint lube on your nips. Or circular band aids. Me, I'm so hairy that my nips are VERY protected.

Anonymous said...

I can get behind helmets on East Coast slopes and wear one myself. Now, if you exit a trail into the woods at speed, you die regardless. If you crash hard on ice, you get a concussion regardless. But wiggling through bush, helmets are quite useful. I've seen a friend pull a finger sized branch out of his scalp. That said, I enjoy "No Helmet Saturday" on occasion.