Tuesday, September 5, 2017

I'm back! Your life now has meaning again, and mine remains devoid of it.

We're five days into September, the Bike Forecast is operational once again, my Outside column never stopped, and here I am typing hand-curated content into this here online wordhole.

Having said all that, the first person to point out that #crossiscoming gets a shot right to whatever their particular genitalway is:


(Some douchebag taking a shot to whatever particular genitalway he has.)

Speaking of bike racing, it looks like Cannondale-Drapac is folding or may fold or or who cares really, but not if the man who was for a time the World's Most Powerful Fred can help it:


Earlier this week, the Cannondale-Drapac pro cycling team announced that unless it could raise $7 million fast, the team would fold at the end of the season. Riders were pre-emptively released from their 2018 contracts—freeing them up to seek employment elsewhere, which they indicated they would do if two weeks pass without a solution—and the world of men's pro road racing was thrown into a tailspin.

Wait, do you really need to be released from a pro cycling contract to apply for a job at Starbucks?


I can't believe anybody would actually check.

Anyway, Jonathan Vaughters recently called squandering revenue on a cycling team "the best sponsorship deal in sports," but that's like calling an igloo the best long-term investment in Florida real estate, which is why they're seeking the same funding the same way poets and would-be bike component inventors do:

Quickly, the team started an Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign in an attempt to raise some capital. Within hours, thousands of fans had contributed. As of this writing, the effort has raised more than $355,000. The Fairly Group, a financial consulting firm, promised to match all donations up to $2 million.

Enter John Kerry, accomplished cyclist and noted Serotta enthusiast:


32-spoke wheels?  Check.
Steel bike?  Check.
Helmet dangling jauntily from handlebars?  Check.
On the phone because who gives a shit?  Check.

I can get behind all of these things, especially the "I only a helmet because they make me wear it for the charity ride" gesture.

So how did Kerry come to Cannondale-Drapac's rescue?  Well, by "making calls," presumably from the cockpit of his Serotta:

As a fan of the team, Kerry reportedly began “making calls” trying to help bring in new sponsors and donors. According to the political newspaper The Hill, team owner Jonathan Vaughters said in an email that Kerry “is a longtime friend and supporter of cycling. He’s been especially supportive during this trying time. He’s done his best to reach out to various people and corporations that could help us survive this situation.” 

"Making calls" of course the investment equivalent of when the NYPD says "the investigation is ongoing" or the kid in the store says "I'll go check in the back," and you'll Notice Kerry didn't cough up any of his family's sweet ketchup money himself:


See, "Big Condiment" ain't dumb, and squandering a bunch of cash on a bike racing team is the sort of flashy act of desperation you'd expect from hipster condiment like Sriracha:


But certainly not the Big Three of ketchup, mayo, and mustard.


(Via here.)

But what if you're looking to waste a bunch of money and you'd rather spend it on equipment than on a cycling team?  Well, good news!  Meet the Silca TATTICO Bluetooth® mini-pump:


If you're unfamiliar with Silca, they're a hoary old cycling brand that used to be synonymous with quality and craftsmanship but is now by all appearances a company Jason Bateman's character in "Ozark" is using to launder drug money.  Remember their $125 hex key set?


Well, it's positively pragmatic compared to this thing:

As the riding and racing we do becomes ever longer, over ever more extreme surfaces in ever more remote locations, highly accurate and repeatable air pressure measurements have become more critical than ever before. 

No longer does your roadside flat repair need to get you just the 12 miles home, but may have to get you through the next 12 hours or even the next 12 days of your event.

For those who push the ultimate limits of body and machine, we've developed TATTICO Bluetooth® which embeds a highly accurate Bluetooth® pressure transducer inside of our award winning TATTICO mini-pump, allowing you to read highly accurate pressure on your Apple or Android device any time, any place.

Being this fastidious about tire pressure has absolutely nothing to do with pushing the "ultimate limits of body and machine," though it does have everything to do with pushing the limits of anal retention and a stratospherically high sphincter torque.  In fact, I'm fairly sure that's what their next product will be:


The Silca Bluetooth® Sphinctometer is fabricated entirely from aerospace grade titanium, and it works similarly to a spoke tension meter:


Just insert and squeeze.

Lastly, on a far less whimsical note, I mentioned this on the Bike Forecast today but it bears repeating.  A man and two teenagers in Villa Platte, LA were hit by a driver while walking along a street with no sidewalk, and the police charged them for...not wearing reflective clothing:


This is, to put it indelicately, fucking obscene, so please sign the petition:

The Ville Platte, Louisiana, Police Department (VPPD) and the Evangeline Parish Sheriff’s Office (EPSO) was found by the Department of Justice in December of 2016 "to engage in a pattern or practice of conduct that violates the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution" and instead of its politicians condemning the police and sheriff for such behavior they support and encourage it and actively use the police and sheriff for punitively enforcing mobility limiting and Civil Right violating policies, such as the walking curfew and mandating reflective clothing when walking.

Regardless of where you're Black, whether it be in the metropolitan cities of Los Angeles & New York or in rural Ville Platte, Louisiana, you deserve justice. You deserve #TransportationEquity #BicycleEquity.

Thank you.

Feel that?

It's the sensation of your sphincter loosening a few newton-meters.

67 comments:

Anonymous said...

First from Baltimore?

Sean Yeager said...

I was first. Then stupidly read the article.

Anonymous said...

Top 3 scranus?

Welcome back. The place hasn't been the same since you left.

Piss Pissedofferson said...

Jesus fucking Christ, I hate this country! I may just decide emigrate to a slightly less racist country like South Africa.

Bromptonaut said...

Hooray! Summer is over! Bike Snob is back. The rain, winds and cold will all be worth it!

N/A said...

Welcome back, Wildcat, hope the hiatus was relaxing and so forth.


Bluetooth air pump. Huh. Well, i guess they can get increasingly-stupid product to market.

Freddy Murcks said...

Regarding the article about the Sriracha water bottles: “Trick your friends at the gym into thinking you’re downing a whole bottle of chili sauce instead of water or Gatorade.” Yeah, if your friends happen to be brain dead morons who've never before seen a novelty water bottle.

dancesonpedals said...

My sphincter is, and always shall be, calibrated in psi, AMERICAN!!!

Anonymous said...

As trendy as it is to blame racism for everything, it actually makes sense (or, at least, withstands review for substantive due process) for a law to require people who walk in roadways at night to be visible to motorists. Flame away...

N/A said...

#whatpressureisyoursphincterrunning

Anonymous said...

You lost me at "as trendy as it is to blame racism for everything" that is really all you needed to say for me to understand what you view on such a topic would be. Take you head out of your ass and look around sometimes, you might learn something.

Piss Pissedofferson said...

#racistpeckerwoodsarecoming Alternatively, #racistpeckerwoodsarecumming due to the apparent trendiness of dismissing attribution of racist motives to racists.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:17pm,

Okay. You're an idiot.

Enjoy your GPS suppository when cars become self-driving.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

everything is due to RACISM holy cow. seems the law was already in place, or immediately drafted after these people were hit. I'm not going to read your stupid slanted article to find out. does law state only black people need to wear reflective vest ? so tell me how the law is racist. you fuckers that keep screaming racism over any & everything wonder why people are ignoring your complaints. why dont you fly your elite liberal ass down there & fix all the worlds problems.

Are you serious? said...

Does it make sense that motorists who drive at night use headlights and not hit things that are in the road?

BamaPhred said...

The Fucktardation runs strong in Ville Platte. Don't ask me how I know.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:04pm,

Hey dipshit, it's a horrible fucking law regardless of race. If the story doesn't upset you there's something wrong with you.

--Wildcat Etc.

Anonymous said...

yes it makes sense. motorist must see it to be aware not to hit it. does THAT make sense?

Anonymous said...

YOU'RE the dip shit , go play in traffic at night in dark clothes. you'll be doing the world a favor & proving my point at the same time.

Bryan said...

Don't let any of this distract you from the fact that #crossiscumming. The road Freds and some mountain freds will be off their respective surfaces for awhile to play in grassy fields.

Ted Nougat said...

Anonymous Dipshit, If we have to explain, you wouldn't understand. You won't be changing minds here. You can go now.

Bill said...

Glad you're back snobbie, you can still jump in a lake!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:11pm,

I always wear dark clothes at night. Bright colors apres sundown is tres unfashionable.

--Wildcat Etc.

wle said...

ville platte - i've been there - FREE THE UNREFLECTIVE 3!

BikeSnobNYC said...

...I should also add, anon racist, that there is nothing liberal about this blog. It's all mine, it's a dictatorship, and you speak only when I allow you to speak.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

BikeSnobNYC said...

(Jeez, leave the yard untended for a few weeks and all the weeds spring up.)

N/A said...

Oh, Eben. You sounded like Dirty Harry just then

BikeSnobNYC said...

N/A,

Thanks, Grace.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

leroy said...

Well, I was going to point out to Anon 2:04pm Anatole France's observation that

"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread."

But I thought subtly might be lost on him.

Then I thought he'd wonder what kind of name is Anatole and could he really trust someone from France.

And then my dog handed me a sign saying DREAMS TRUMP RACISM and told me we should take a short walk over to Trump Tower.

BRB.

Maybe.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Totally missed the sprint, hopefully I made the time limit! Welcome back and Scranuses for all!

BamaPhred said...

But it's not exactly a new thing, the wearing of reflective clothes.

Left in 1975, haven't been back.

Gone, gone with the wind, ain't nobody looking back again.

janinedm said...

This genius has already set up his straw man and is fighting it, so I'm not sure why I'm bothering but the road wasn't exactly a highway. And the accident happened at 8pm in August, a time of day when one could get away with sunglasses.

But your reaction does say something about you, brave anon. Presumably, you're here because you have an interest in cycling but your sense of self-preservation in advocating for other people to be able to use the road outside of a car is somehow overridden by your desire to excuse stupid bad laws if a Black person is on the other side of it. I can't imagine someone who walks, runs, or bikes advocating for charging people with a misdemeanor for getting hit by a car, but there you are. Beyond sense.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

"That this happened in Ville Platte is no surprise. Ville Platte was recently investigated by the Federal DOJ for its practice of criminalizing walking and penalizing the poor. In 2011, the town passed a curfew prohibiting walking outside after 10pm. The curfew only applied to pedestrians. So while it was legal to drive to a nearby store or friend’s house, it was not possible to walk there. The penalty was $200 — or jail for those who couldn’t afford it. According to a complaint filed by the NAACP and ACLU, hundreds of residents were swept up each night for violating the curfew.


Besides the reflective clothing mandate, the Ville Platte fashion police will arrest anyone wearing baggy or sagging pants that fall “more than three inches below the hips causing exposure of the person or the person’s undergarments.”

if anon doesn't get it ...well ...everyone has the right to their stupidity

Steely Danzig said...

Well said/quoted, Leroy. Was it the Bard who said something about casting your pearls before swine?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of stupidity we were talking about a law requiring reflective clothing at night not all this other bullshit you threw in there

Terry Pratchett said...

Dictatorship v. Democracy:

"The Patrician of Ankh Morpork believes in on man, one vote. The Patrician is The Man. He has The Vote."

The Old Perfesser said...

Esteemed at 3:05 -- this throws back to the days when a black person who found himself stranded in a white town after sunset risked lynching; that's what the Robert Johnson song "Crossroads" was about.

On a cheerier topic, I have recently obtained a crabon gravel bike with dick breaks, the occasion being the demise of my nice crabon road bike due to a cracked bottom bracket. Living as I do out in God's Country with lots of real actual gravel, it's great. My #whatpressureyourunning is about 65 psi on 28 mm tires, so it's quite a plush ride. I definitely am a legitimate target of ridicule, seeing as how I top off the ensemble with facial hair and an helment mirror, but I'm so damn old I don't care any more. Just get off my lawn.

Pope Francis said...

Assholes like this troll that emerged today are why I have no hope for humanity.

bad boy of the south said...

Welcome back,etc. I must be an old hipster,'cause I've been using Sriracha a long time.
What are thinking down there,in ville platte?

Daddo said...

You mean the bullshit you can't justify? Or the bullshit you'll use to deflect because your
Logic.
Has.
Run.
Out.
On.
You.

Good day "sir" and may you continue to look like an idiot while wearing fluorescent clothing at night on your way to the MENSA gathering.

janinedm said...

Don't sell yourself short. There's also terrible photoshop.

bad boy of the south said...

Oopsie.what are THEY....

Pope said...

See you in hell, troll. I'll keep a seat warm for ya.

Anonymous said...

thank you pope

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Janine you are spot in but owing to longitude and latitude Ville Platte LA is probably pitch black by 8PM in August.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Lt. Obvi,

I think it happened on the 23rd and sunset was at 7:41pm in Ville Platte. So after sundown, yes, but not pitch black.

--Wildcat Etc.

janinedm said...

Just checked, civil twilight on 8/22 was at 8:10 pm.

Anonymous said...

3 black people arrested for something that shouldn't even be illegal in the first place...nope, definitely no racism here, move along folks

Chazu said...

I once received a pair of Sock Guy wool socks in the Sriracha brand-way as a gift.

Heh.

babble on said...

Good Fucking God your nation has completely Lost The Plot. The Stupid is Rampant. Sorry 'bout yer luck, my dear commentariat peeps. Time for a Revolution.

That is all. xo

babble on said...

BTW, if you plan to emmigrate to a place less racist, like, say, South Africa, best not head north to the Monster in Chief's toupee up here. Apartheid was baby brother to our Indian Act, which is, Oh! Who knew!??! Still On the Books. Why hasn't anyone stopped us? We were much more proficient at the genocide than the Dutch ever were. Who's Complaining??

And Trudeau? Don't be fooled: he's nothing more than a dishy Wolf in Sheep's Clothing. #hottottie #earthfucker #liarliarpantsonfire #corporateslave. (I'd call him a corporate cocksucker, but ya gotta love a cocksucker!)

Dooth said...

What? Blaming everything on Scranus isn't trendy anymore...

Dan Newton said...

I for one reject all loosening of a few newton-meters.

Hey! We saved some serioius dollars said...

Roads for cars … but no sidewalks? And no street lights. A great idea! What could possibly go wrong?

Some guy from upstate said...

Welcome back. Hope you enjoyed Lake George. We think it's nice.

JLRB said...

fig neutons tighten sphynchters

Now You See Me said...

I wander the roads after dark, pondering the meaning of life.
Therefore I am always in a reflective state and fear not the breaking of any daft laws.

Grump said...

Say what you will about Silca, but they HAVE brought back the old Silca pista pump, not the insane $375 one, but a $125 model. At first I thought the $125 was too much to pay for a floor pump, but the I remembered that in 1984 they were selling for $39. That's $100 in today's money.

Anonymous said...

Your quick-check analysis of the Kerry photo was priceless. He's never seemed like such a player.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Grump, funny you should mention it. I still use my '84 Silca pump. Made out of Columbus tubing, just like the top-end frames from that day. I've changed out the guts and the hose a couple of times across the years, but the rest still good as new.

Anonymous said...

"Speaking of stupidity we were talking about a law requiring reflective clothing at night not all this other bullshit you threw in there"

How hilarious, good sir or madam.
Your inability to debate a point, even facetiously, is truly intriguing.

Here's a hint: If you want to debate any law, you may have to consider at least some of it's immediate consequences to not sound like a monumentally stupid person.

I realize this runs counter to what Faux has been teaching you.

Anonymous said...

The Fox News brain washing program is in spin cycle.

Grump said...

wishiwasmerckx, mine is either an 84 or 85. Original hose, but had to change the pump gasket 10 years ago. I used to have the change the chuck gasket every year or so until I started using Michelin tubes. (non-threaded valve stems)

John L said...

What? I thought this was an anarcosyndicate commune. Bugger.

Middle aged German tourist said...

This Parks anal retractor is a real pain in the ass, for both the patient and the surgeon. Always used to send to OBGYN for specula to rip out those 'rhoids. Not much pressure left in your sphincter after using this retractor....

Dan said...

Signed it.

sweatpants cyclist said...

How many decimal places are reported by that tire pressure sensor? Does it calculate the standard deviation of repeated pressure measurements? Does it correct for temperature variations?