Thursday, September 14, 2017

Next year in Jerusalem!

So say the Giro d'Italia organizers, who will run three stages in Israel in 2018:

The Giro d’Italia cycling race will begin in Israel next year, marking the first time any leg of the sport’s three Grand Tours will take place outside of Europe.

Organisers said on Thursday that details of the exact route of the three stages to be held in Israel will be announced next week, with Italian and Israeli ministers making the announcement in Jerusalem along with the recently retired Spanish cyclist and two-times Giro winner Alberto Contador.

Yes, the inclusion of Contador is no accident, for now that he's in retirement he's finally embraced his true faith:


Contador's relationship with Hasidic Judaism began after the tainted steak incident, after which he would only eat meat that had been slaughtered under rabbinical supervision.  Then it just snowballed (or, if you prefer, matzoh balled) from there.

The website has also reported that the Israeli government will contribute towards running costs and will also be responsible for security, with the event expected to be the biggest security operation in Israel’s history.

Makes sense.  The Six-Day War took six whole days, and with only three stages it sounds like they're going to repel the Giro in about half the time.

And not only will the race begin in Jerusalem, but it's going to end at the Vatican:

According to the publicity firm that issued the press release, the race is to end at the Vatican, with a theme of co-existence and peace.

Wow.  Inasmuch as the route will basically cover the period from the Jewish diaspora to the establishment of Catholicism as the "one true church," it is now basically a giant Judeo-Christian Theme Ride.  Furthermore, this officially makes it the World's Most Ambitious Theme Ride, and it promises to put anything those irreverent Portlanders might come up with to shame:

Including this:

Onesies and Twosies—This is the type of oddball theme ride the month was made for. Dress in your best onesie and tour dive bars that serve drinks costing $2 or less. *Italian chef kiss*

And even this:

Pasta Costume Ride—Much like our last pick, we just really appreciate the idea of people gluing pasta to their clothes and riding bikes in the middle of the day. Pasta provided, but bring your own sauce. Seriously.

Yes, there's nothing quite like the smell of a Portlander's beard when it's full of clam sauce.

Then again, I hear there's a Passion of Jesus ride in the works for next year, and I suppose that could mount a significant challenge:


(Jesus portaging his crucifix onto Golgotha)

And yes, there will be towel hand-ups:


I can hardly wait:


Moving on, we've talked about Lucas Brunelle quite a bit this week, and here's something to help put that sort of riding in perspective:


I don't know what happened, there's no schadenfreude whatsoever on my part, and people are already pointing out the livery cab does not appear to be properly registered, but at the same time the video does not look good:


So whatever the circumstances, Brunelle waving his dick around in traffic while this sort of thing happens to cyclists too goddamn often is probably at the core of why I find him to be so contemptible.

Be safe out there.

39 comments:

Colin Néber Wilson said...

Podiating all over the place this season

Fourhourerection said...

First loser!

Anonymous said...

Yo Colin i am the original podiator son.

Fourhourerection said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Can't a brother podiate?

Grump said...

The Six-Day War took six whole days. Did everyone rest on the seventh?????

N/A said...

Honestly, I'd probably do the Onesie/Twosie ride. You ain't lived until you've seen a gigantic drunk man in a fleece onesie.


Ahaha, the "what pressure you running" brought the LOLs today.

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Oh, man, I can't wait to see the pictures of all the spectators dressed in their Spanish Inquisition robes, hats, and capes!

Merrymango said...

Suggested caption - Putting the "Cross" in Cyclocross.

Or, insert a crossfit joke here.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Dayenu! Scranus!

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

Grump said...

Would a long sleeve skinsuit qualify for the Onesie ride???

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

If Mario Cippolini was still in the Giro in 2018, he might show up at the start of a stage like this.

Very Slim Pickens said...

"Yes, there's nothing quite like the smell of a Portlander's beard when it's full of clam sauce."

Willing to bet Ms. Babble has figured that one out.

Dooth said...

Giro finishing at the Vatican...doping turns to Poping.

leroy said...

And to think my dog made fun of me when I pointed out the kosher SAG Wagon on our morning commute.

Anonymous said...

The best use of #whatpressureyourunnin' yet! I laughed and now expect to be struck by lighting / swallowed by an earthquake momentarily. Lucky I finished typing this firs aaaaaaa

Grump said...

Q: Why have you forsaken me?
A: I saw you with SPD shoes on your road bike.

McFly said...

SPD Sandals MANDATORY you beetchez

bad boy of the south said...

Will the giro be tel avivsed?

Anonymous said...

You are outdoing yourself today Snob. I was higly amused but I'm sure someone will be equally offended; F'em if they can't take a joke.

Lucas Brunelle: corroding the reputation and endangering the lives of cyclists everywhere, he must be so proud of himself.

Clueless Ugly American Brunelle said...

So Bro'nelle made a vid about crossing the Darien Gap supposedly by bike but mostly by boats and a full support truck, and then afterwards his Bro infants thought they were kewl harrasing third world residents with their urban dick moves. Here were some of the usual well deserved comments: "Asshole bike riders", "complete fucking douchebags, no wonder people hate Americans", "immature idiots", "Just about everything Brunelle says is completely fabricated", "self entitled pricks", and "if you pulled sh*t like that (in India) they would slit your throat".

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Our chief weapons are fear, surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to The Pope.

Anonymous said...

Jesus jokes are humored by the lamb of God. As are sheep jokes. See, I think I read somewhere that the Bible says (or a redacted part of it) you can talk all the shit you want about God and Jesus, but if you throw shade in the Holy Ghost's direction, you will be fucked. So you're fine, our good Rabbi-Priest sheppard.

Virgil Starkwell said...

Oy Vey

Anonymous said...

Sweet Jeebus all ya dopers n Popers, it's CROSS SEASON

Bogusboy said...

And watch your back for vengeful lightning bolts from the hand o' god....

Name said...

You keep bringing Brunelle from the dead (of time). That reminded me of another forgotten creature, the minimalist guy, the fuck if I remember his name. Wonder what happened to him, though.

Name said...

You keep bringing Brunelle from the dead (of time). That reminded me of another forgotten creature, the minimalist guy, the fuck if I remember his name. Wonder what happened to him, though.

John L said...

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

Ze Cherman said...

Just when you thought Brunelle had reached peak stupidity: he now appears to be selling his stuffed self on Ebay.

Anonymous said...

when bowie and freddy wrote "pressure" were they running ahead of their times.

The Second Collection today... said...

Will the Popemobile lead out the start of the final stage?

JLRB said...

Whatpassionyourunning

Chris said...

mazel tov !!!

Bill said...

Kind of feel like barfing. Off kilter shit.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Leroy, you should clue in the non-New Yorkers that the Second Avenue Deli is no longer on Second Avenue.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I saw the initial announcement about the Giro starting in J-lem on Shabbat a month or so ago.

I have a hard time seeing this happening. The ultra-orthodox throw stones at cars that dare to drive on the sabbath. What might they do to a cyclist?

Seriously, the whole town basically shuts down on Saturdays.

JLRB said...

Future quiz: If your wrong, Brunelle will show up for the next Gran Fon Don't