Enhance My Performance, Please

Oh, Freds.

[SHAKES HEAD DERISIVELY WHILE CLUCKING TONGUE]

Yes, once again, the Gran Fondo New York has caught themselves a doper:

"Five positive tests in six years of testing may seem a lot for an event where the majority are amateurs," says GFNY CEO Uli Fluhme. "It's simple though: you can't catch cheaters if you don't perform doping controls. And unfortunately most races still don't test sufficiently or at all." 

"We don't allow course cutting at our races so why would we look the other way when it comes to doping? GFNY riders train hard for races. They deserve a fair competition. We owe them controls, even if the costs are well over $10,000 each year. Not testing the athletes is the worst decision that a race director can make because it forces everyone to take drugs to try to level the playing field."

I'm conflicted.  On one hand he's right, certainly everyone deserves a "level playing field."  On the other hand, this is basically a $200 ride to Bear Mountain:

And you're naive if you think that's not going to attract two types of people:

1) Dope-addled third-tier pros and ex-pros looking to beat a bunch of amateurs;
2) Dope-addled corporate Freds in search of glory:

And by "glory" I mean a triple-digit placing:

If you want fair you're not going to find it at any kind of road race or Fondo, and frankly I'm not even confident the Brompton World Championships were clean:



I mean if they were I'd have won, it seems fairly obvious.

Perhaps next year they should move to a Gran Fondo format.

Speaking of competitive cycling, did you know that Andrew Talansky is using brain-zapping technology to win the Tour de France?

America's top cyclist is using a portable brain stimulator to train for the Tour de France https://t.co/DeJNstqajL pic.twitter.com/XOLwbHl2Xf

— Business Insider (@businessinsider) June 26, 2017

Okay, two things:

Firstly, if brain stimulators really worked, the first thing he'd do would be to quit bike racing, obtain an advanced degree, and get a career with a future.  Because once again, it's important to remember that the most successful cyclists the United States has ever produced is now...a podcaster:

As far as digital media careers, that's almost as low as being a blogger.

Seems to me that's a cautionary tale, and Talansky should use that brain zapper to learn computer coding or prep for the LSAT.

Secondly, while I realize what the writer meant by saying "America's top cyclist" and am not trying to bust his chops, it's nonetheless important to note that America's top cyclist is not Andrew Talansky.  It is in fact Coryn Rivera:

Who is ranked 12th in the entire world:

Whereas Talansky is merely ranked 72nd:

Though that still makes him the highest-ranked American male cyclist, which is kinda sad.  Indeed, as far as national rankings go, American women are ranked 4th in the world, while American men are ranked 17th.

So what does all this mean?

Well, I'm tempted to say it means that Americans should pay more attention to women's cycling, but they don't even pay attention to men's cycling, so the only truly sensible conclusion to draw is that American men suck and should quit racing bikes.

But back to the brain-zapper:

There's no doubt in my mind that this thing has a big future in cycling, mostly because it's expensive so the Freds will want it to prep for the Fondo:

Players in the NFL and MLB, Olympians, and Navy SEALs are among those who have tried Halo, but Talansky is one of just two cyclists at the sport's highest level we know of using neuroscience technology. The Halo Sport headset retails for $750, and the app is free, though the company said it may eventually launch a premium version.

I'm assuming the premium version is advertisement-free, whereas if you use the regular version you will hear ads in your head every 20 minutes for the rest of your life.

So how does it work?

After you download the Halo Sport app, which controls the headset, you moisten the headset electrodes ("primers") and neuroprime for 20 minutes, during which time you feel a tingly sensation at the top of your head as the device stimulates your brain's motor cortex. All the while you can listen to music through the headphones using your phone or music player.

After neuropriming, you have an hour of "afterglow" wherein you perform your most focused workout and, according to Halo, reap the greatest benefit.

So basically it works exactly like Denorex:



Seems legit.

Anyway, for best results, make sure to use the brain-zapper in conjunction with a comprehensive poop doping program.

And if you're wondering whether this is the same brain-boosting technology that Betsy DeVos was flogging, well, does it really matter?

Neurocore offers two types of treatments in particular, each lasting 45 minutes: One is biofeedback training, which involves watching your heart rate and respiratory rate on a monitor and learning to breath to achieve consistency in these rates. The other is neurofeedback, and for Neurocore's version, this involves watching movies that pause when your brainwaves are not in your pre-determined "therapeutic range."

Today it's more charter schools, tomorrow it's putting on your government-issued headphones and zapping your brain into submission.

Lastly, I already mentioned this on the Bike Forecast this morning, but if you're a New York City bike commuter researchers want YOU to help them learn about the effects of pollution:

If you agree to participate in the study, we'll ask that you wear air pollution monitors, a special shirt that monitors your heart rate, and an automatic blood pressure cuff for six 24 hour periods centered around six morning bike commutes. This gear poses minimal risk, and should not inconvenience you or cause any discomfort. It all fits in an exercise vest, and it won't slow you down when you ride.

It's a good thing the vest won't slow me down because I can't allow anything to compromise my Cat 6-ing.

Look for me on the Manhattan Bridge in my exercise vest and a pair of brain-zapping headphones.