Whither Simplicity?

This past Friday I enjoyed a ride on a rugged all-terrain bicycle with fashionable "plus"-sized tires:

As I scampered and scurried about, it occurred to me that while it's all too easy to rail against the stratospheric cost of today's high-end bicycle-cycling machines, the truth is that from a gear perspective there's never been a better time to be a cyclist.  Sure, top-of-the-line plastic bikes easily cost $10,000 now, but a bike like the one above costs merely a tenth of that, will do anything you possibly need it to do, and requires very little in the way of maintenance.

Nevertheless, human nature being what it is, even as I was savoring my blissful cycling experience I caught myself thinking: "I could probably make this bike even better by lightening it up a bit."  That leads you to consider upgrading X, which in turn requires replacing Y, and before you know it you're saying "Fuck it" and shopping for a new bike:

I choose this bike as an example not because it's necessarily the natural progression from what I was riding that day, but because it happens to be the #1 mountain bike in the VeloNews Buyer's Guide.  And just check out these marks!

It doesn't just get a 14 out of 15 for ascending.  It gets a fourteen point one.

That's how you know they used science.

Anyway, here's what VeloNews has to say about the Yeti Whatever:

It all comes back to Yeti’s Switch Infinity, a suspension component that allows for greater tunability of the suspension kinematics. That’s a fancy way of saying it’s firm on the climbs and responsive on the descents, all the way through the suspension travel. The Switch Infinity lives just above the bottom bracket shell and works in conjunction with Fox’s Float Factory shock. Both are nearly infinitely tunable, but it was easy to find a sweet spot pretty quickly for the kind of riding I do.

Climbing is a remarkable experience: there’s nearly no noticeable bob, even when standing or pushing through a steep section. The mid-stroke feels supportive but smooth, and the bottom end feels endless, yet it doesn’t fall off into the abyss. Instead, it feels like you always have just a few more millimeters, so why not go a bit bigger? Absent too is that late-stroke buck. Whatever magic Yeti has done to make the end of the stroke sit in that sublime area between too soft and too harsh, they should keep doing it. A lot of trail bikes make claims about climbing like an XC race bike and descending like an enduro bike. The SB5c actually delivers.

Souts good, but let's look at some of the key words and phrases here:

--"tunability"
--"suspension kinematics"
--"firm" and "responsive"
--"infinitely tunable"
--"no noticeable bob"
--"why not go a bit bigger?"

Jesus.  Is this a bike or a Hyundai?  And I'm not even including "late-stroke buck," which sounds like the name of a porno actor:

(Noticeable Bob also makes a cameo.)

Granted, I doubt you could get two cyclists to agree what "mountain biking" is all about.  For some it's about being one with the outdoors, for others it's an excuse to use air compressors and shop for truck bed liners.  Still, it's remarkable the degree to which today's high-end mountain bikes are designed to provide a smooth, ultra-tuned riding experience that is essentially uncompromising in its compromise.  It's also noteworthy that whether it's a review of a road bike or a mountain bike the Princess and the Pea factor is virtually indistinguishable.  After all, should a bike meant to be ridden on a trail really be "infinitely tunable?"  Does everything need to be not only rideable, but comfortably rideable?  At a certain point should't we acknowledge the limitations of both rider and machine and surrender to the terrain, just as Late-Stroke Buck surrendered to Noticeable Bob in that steamy tire sealant scene?  And if you want smooth, shouldn't you just buy a recumbent?

Maybe yes and maybe no.  Hey, we all want something different out of riding a bike.  Some want simplicity, others are not happy unless they can tune every bump and twiddle dials and levers like an audiophile listening to Steely Dan on a tube amp.  Still, not to sound like one of those big government demmycrats, but we may have to start regulating this stuff or we could be in trouble.  Firstly, all of this has already opened the door to e-mountain bikes, because we've come too far with suspension not to add a motor, and what's one more lever, anyway?

And yes, it will take a kickstand:

The option to mount a kickstand might not win the most kudos amongst more ambitious riders, but it’s arguably an intelligent feature that many will rate.

Though I'd argue if you're shopping for an all-terrain bike that takes a kickstand what you're really looking for is a Rivendell.

Secondly, what's so wrong with e-mountain bikes?  I'll tell you what's wrong with them.  They lead to this:



You have been warned.