Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Thank God It's Wednesday

Did you know that bike lanes are part of a vast Jewish conspiracy to undermine gentile businesses and prime the city for a complete Semitic takeover?

It's true, I read it in the comments on a local news story:


(Is she even Jewish?  I've never heard of a Jew named Polly.)

And you can read all about that delightfully idiotic story over at the Bike Forecast so I don't have to repeat myself:


You'll laugh, you'll cry, and you might even "shart" depending on what you ate for dinner last night.

Anyway, everybody knows the notion that New York City's bike lanes are part of a Jewish conspiracy is ridiculous, because it common knowledge that Jews prefer to manipulate the populace through their control of the entertainment and banking industries:


As half a Jew they let me audit the meetings but I'm not allowed to participate.

Nevertheless, I look froward to CBS New York's next hard-hitting report:


In the meantime, should people should start sabotaging the bike lanes with nails in order to Make America Great Again, you might want to get some Bicycle Armour, the new tire sealant currently vying for your money on Kickstarter:



As far as I can tell it's made from clumps that were scooped out of a bathtub drain or something:

Eureka Moment

Like Archimedes, our Eureka moment happened in a bath tub too …. the domestic chores of clearing a blocked drain to be precise. So the premise was; if human hair (which has quite a small diameter) can tangle up and effectively block a drain (which has a relatively much larger diameter), then maybe we can apply this principle to our bicycle puncture problem.

FACT:* This is the composition of a typical bathtub drain clump:

Soap scum: 15%
Hair: 25%
Semen: 60%

*[This is in no way a fact.]

So there's your sealant.

With that in mind, let this image of someone stirring a slimy brown blob with a chopstick forever haunt your dreams:


Of course, the concept behind Bicycle Armor is quite sound.  In fact, if you've been riding bikes for awhile, it probably sounds pretty familiar to you:


We incorporated different sized fillers, ranging from nano sized particles to microns in diameter. We developed a non aggressive, stable liquid transport system to suspend these fibres and fillers. And we combine all these ingredients using a very high energy three stage mixing process which we developed in house.

Hmmm, tiny particles suspended in a semen-like matrix?  I think someone named Stan might want to have a word with you:


("Not me, you idiot, the sealant guy!")

I wouldn't say there's nothing new under the Sun, but there's definitely nothing new on the Kickstarter.

Lastly, in news of professional bicycle riding, the Giro d'Italia has called off plans to reward the fastest descender with fabulous cash prizes:


But ahead of Friday’s opening stage in Sardinia, one new Giro award caused such a storm in the professional peloton that the race scrapped it just 48 hours before the start. The Giro was offering a cash prize of up to €15,000 ($16,381), in effect, for the craziest rider in the bunch: the fastest descender.

Pre-owned Hyundai money to the fastest descender in the race?  What could possibly go wrong?


Even better would have been if the cash prize was sponsored by a disc brake manufacturer:




Alas, in the end "safety" prevailed over spectator bloodlust, which is alwasy a bummer:

On Wednesday morning, following a backlash from the cycling community, organizers announced that the fastest descenders’ prize would be canceled.

“The spirit of the initiative was to highlight an important skill which is an integral part of a cycle race without putting the riders’ safety in jeopardy,” they said. “Rider safety is, and remains, the priority of the Giro and the race organizers.”

It's true, descending quickly is an important skill, which is already highlighted by, you know, winning the race.  Remember this guy?


(Savoldelli doing his best "Stop Making Sense" impression.)

Savoldelli was a climber but known for his fast downhill riding. He is nicknamed Il Falco ("the falcon"). His downhill skills won him the 2005 Giro. His descent of the Colle delle Finestre before the final ascent to Sestriere in the penultimate stage, closed a gap to Gilberto Simoni, preserving his lead and giving him the win.

Of course you don't.

But you would have if he'd launched himself into a ravine in pursuit of €15,000.

Anyway, in the end it's the fans who have been cheated out of a thrilling spectacle--not of of crashes, but of riders with no GC hopes ballooning up to Sumo-like weights in order to descend more quickly and claim the prize.

And there goes any hope of corporeal diversity in the professional peloton.

45 comments:

Anonymous said...

Early bird

boys on the hoods said...

Podium!!

8carlisle said...

I'm still reading Tuesdays post

Anonymous said...

Fifthis. Good morning all.

wishiwasmerckx said...

First non-podium finisher!

N/A said...

More like Giro d'Woosies, AMIRITE?

JB said...

Where's the worm?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Top Ten Scrani!

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

The Pro-Tours should pay prize money to camera motorcycles, team cars and caravan cars who don't hit riders and spectators, and fine those that do!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...ummm... should we be saving our semen to sell to these sealant people?

Dorothy Rabinowitz is a Gentile said...

Look at them. Bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.

Dorothy Rabinowitz is a Woody Allen's analyst said...


Excuse the bad copy & paste.

Look at them. Bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.

Spokey said...

small crowd today.

waltzed in with 12 commie-taries, read the whole thing and still's still only 12

Spokey said...

lt o

i think you messed and stated your intention backwards. i'm sure you meant

The Pro-Tours should pay prize money to camera motorcycles, team cars and caravan cars who do hit riders and spectators, and fine those that don't!

Grump said...

Fastest descender???.....How about a Criterium with an intersecting figure 8 course?.........On Track Bikes.

Anonymous said...

I certainly remember Savoldelli victory. That was a great win... although maybe there have been greater. I only pay attention intermittently. I'm too busy watching Red Bull media, Josh Bryceland videos, etc....

Tom Smolen said...

Kudos for 'corporeal diversity'. this is why i reads the literature...

McFly said...

Not sure about Bicycle Armor using an armadillo as their spokesreptile. Every armadillo I see is flattened and blown apart. On the road.

art said...

People also forget that on Floyd's infamous "apeshit" stage, he was extending the gap more on the descents than the climbs. I'm still surprised that he got popped for testosterone and not THC.

Drock said...

Sumo like weights, ah funny. But won't they just push the motor button and enguage the bike dope?

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Spokey @ 12:27, that's another option.

Dorothy Rabinowitz, as someone who took early retirement from Catholicism, I think Bicycle Armor can use jizz in their sealant if they like, but the real Catholics think it will make God quite irate!

leroy said...

My dog informs me that Polly is a common name for Jewish cowgirls when hyphenated as in Polly-Esther Schwartz of the Jackson Wyoming Schwartzes from the Double Bar-Mitzvah Ranch.

And he reminds me that although Even Jewish Cowgirls Get The Blues, they get them at Bloomies.

JAP fan said...

It's Jackson HOLE, Wyoming, but just like a real Jewish girl, access to the holes is restricted.

dnk said...

Commenting here on the TA Bike Forecast on "those darned bikelanes" because I'm not logged into whatever platform allows you to comment over there.

Holy shit Snob, great fucking nuanced analysis of roving television reporter Emily Smith. Way to go for actually taking her report seriously and examining her claims point by point.

Brooke Gladstone and Bob Garfield should invite you on their show for some transit report debunking.

My second favorite post this year, next to your take on the NY1 story about how the bike lanes are robbing innocent citizens of free parking (and mild-mannered SUV commuter Bob Bowman is so mad that he wants to beat people up with a tire iron).

To anybody who has read into the comments section here but hasn't read today's morning report, go there now!
https://www.transalt.org/bike-forecast/2017/02/may-3rd-2017-those-darned-bike-lanes

RIP said...

TUCSON, Ariz. -- Promising cyclist Chad Young died from injuries sustained during a high-speed crash at the Tour of Gila, the first American rider to die in a prominent North American stage race in nearly two decades. Young was 21.

His team, Axeon Hagens Berman, said Young died late Friday in Tucson, Arizona.

The team said he was involved in a crash last Sunday during the queen stage of the New Mexico race. Medics were on the scene within minutes and Young was airlifted to a hospital in Tucson, where he was initially listed in stable condition.

Young was downgraded to critical on Tuesday when the extent of his head injuries became clear.

The last American rider to die from injuries sustained in a major North American competition was Nicole Reinhart, who crashed during a race in 2000 in Arlington, Massachusetts.

Collegiate rider Randall Fox was killed last year during a race near Seattle.


Gefilte Fish Swimming in the Gowns Canal said...

Bike lanes a vast jewish conspiracy? Well if Brietbart ends up coming out with an article saying so then it must be so. Stay tuned for The Donald's Tweet on the subject, once he gets done analyzing the Civil War.

Rumor has it that wherever bike lanes go in, Kosher Deli's are soon to follow.

Happy Hour Starts at Noon said...

10:47 "early bird": 10:47 is only early if you're a graphic designer who lives in Brooklyn.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Happy Hour Starts at Noon,

The gralhic designers have all been priced out of Brooklyn.

--Wildcat Etc.

BikeSnobNYC said...

*graphic

Old Times are not forgotten said...

Been ages since Dorothy (Dottie the Ditz to the guys in the mail room) was mentioned here. Strange, what with the election results you'd think she would be ranting about something everyday.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Snob nailed it on the bike forecast piece today!

That Emily Smith news piece fits right in with the Donald Trump fake news. People don't have any facts to backup statements they make, the statements get repeated and become facts. But Emily Smith did nail it with Danny Quinn as a typical "City Driver!"

Don't forget that Bike Lanes provide valuable free parking for police cars and cops' personal cars near every NYPD precinct house, and a great revenue source for NYC when the cops ticket cyclists using them for whatever violations they want - no helment, no bell, etc.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. Old Times are not forgotten: Dottie voted for Hillary.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if that Tour of Utah rider crashed into the support car on purpose? He definitely had a little time to consider his options--the other option I see (riding straight through the turn) might have been worse. Brutal video.

A Lot of Good that Endorsement Did said...

"Her election alone is what stands between the American nation and the reign of the most unstable, proudly uninformed, psychologically unfit president ever to enter the White House."

Frickus Rungus said...

I can't be bothered to watch the kick-starter video. Do you have to have "milk" your own pet armadillo, or does the "company" do that part for you?

non sequitar said...

Trumps tongue is Putin's scranus washer...though some people think his mouth is Putin's cock-holster.

Only reads the ads said...

FOAM GLOW

Dirty Chopstick said...

Now I know what sanitorium looks like. Thanks for that.

Oh FFS said...

https://cyclingtips.com/2017/05/cyclingtips-partners-zwift-efondo-series/

JLRB said...

Stopped Making Sense long ago

Pist Off said...

It's santorum, dammit, after crazy Rick "Man-on-dog sex" Santorum of PA. Neologism made famous by Dan Savage of alt-weekly sex column "fame."

Ricky Santorum's​ Slurry said...

Masturbation in the shower, jizz through a hair-clogged strainer and eureka: homemade tire sealant.

where can I buy stuff said...

Are you participating in the Zwift eFondo series this season? Sounds captivating.

Old Times Etc said...

Leroy 452 Yes she did, which is why I'm surprised she hasn't been ranting and raving about something everyday. Things along the line of Imposing bike lanes on the freedom of Americans is what elected Donald Trump, etc.

Emily Smith said...

THIS JUST IN: "This sealant is really sticky....wait....that's not a microphone..."