Monday, April 10, 2017

Me! More Than You Ever Wanted to Know

As I've mentioned before, the terms of my blogging contract stipulate that when New York City public schools are closed so am I, and of course New York City schools are closed this week (and part of next) for Spring Recess.

Nevertheless, because I am cursed with a strong work ethic, I will continue to post during this time (though I do reserve the right to truncate posts or even fuck off completely from time to time as it suits me).  I will also of course continue to update the Bike Forecast, because without it this city would grind to a halt like a seized freehub.

So there you have it.

With that out of the way, today's post will be all about me, because me, me, me:


(Me.)

Firstly, one (1) week from today (2dā), I'll be at the REI in the up-and-coming South of Houston (or "SoHo") neighborhood to talk about the trendy new sport of "mountainous biking:"

Mountainous biking involves riding bicycles with knobby tires on rugged terrain, and bike companies are even building dedicated bikes specifically for this purpose.



So if you live in New York City and have been curious about trying the mountainous biking, but have dismissed it as an impossibility because you live in the most populous city in the United States, I'll endeavor to explain things like:

--How you can ride or use mass transit to access mountain bike trails;
--Why you don't need suspension or dropper posts or all that other stuff the bikey media says you do;
--Once you get to the trail, how not to be a douchebag.

The proceedings will then conclude with a five-hour seminar on tire tread and how to determine the optimal #whatpressureyourunning.

Best of all, my books will be available and I'll even sign them for you, which is reason enough on its own not to go.

In other news, I put on stretchy clothes yesterday and rode one of those bikes with the click-in pedals and curved handlebars like they use in the Tour de France, and I think I'm getting a handle on the BSNYC Gran Fondon't Build-Up Ride that may or may not happen:


(Actual terrain and scenery may vary.)

If it does, you can expect the following:

--Short notice from me;
--Trespassing;
--Irregular surfaces that will allow you to justify that fancy new gravel bike you bought;
--Finishing someplace that serves beer.

I'd say that as of this moment here's a 68% chance this ride will happen, and if it does there's a 99% chance I'll be the slowest person on it if yesterday's ride was any indication.

I don't use Strava, but if I did I don't think it would ever leave auto-pause mode.

Speaking of riding on bumpy roads and stuff, yesterday saw the running of the [?]th edition of Paris-Roubaix, which was won by [?] after a solo attack/select group escaped on the penultimate cobbled sector/unprecedented 30-rider field sprint/trackstanding competition on the infield of the Roubaix velodrome:


(Generic creative commons photo of bicycle racers from a reace that is not Paris-Roubaix because at this point in my life I can't be bothered.)

As usual, riders did stuff like double-tape their bars and use top-mount brake levers, which always gets lots of press nothing thrills Freds more than occasional pro rider transgressions of those idiotic Velominati rules.  




Before he headed to the team bus, Boonen was asked what he would do next. "Now? I'm going to look for my car," he said with a laugh. That closed out the crazy scenery at the Quick-Step Floors team bus.

Journalists seem to want Tom Boonen to get all emotional about all of this, but you've got to imagine few things feel better than crossing the finish line of the race you've won four (?) times, firing off that last urine sample, and then driving off in your Hyundai with the knowledge you've never got to do it again.

As long as he avoids any ill-advised comebacks he should be in good shape:


Those never seem to turn out well:


Lastly, for those of you who live and ride in New York City, here's a petition for a two-way bike lane on Broadway in the Bronx along Van Cortlandt Park:


With a street design that encourages speeding for vehicles moving from Yonkers to Manhattan, we need a safer way for pedestrian and cyclist to access Van Cortlandt Park that also curbs speeding on Broadway.

Narrower vehicle lanes, pedestrian islands, sidewalk extensions and a dedicated, 2-way protected bike lane alongside the park would provide our community with a safer, stress-free access to the park and turn Broadway from a speedway, to a street inclusive of all road users.

You're goddamn right we do.

So sign it, because it makes my life better.

45 comments:

weasel said...

Yes!

Mike O. said...

Now to go back and read the posting.

Mike O.

FN said...

Yes! Don't call it a comeback!

Anonymous said...

Toppus X!

Anonymous said...

Punctured on the cobbles

Anonymous said...

Has Ted finally run out of material?

Chazu said...

Speaking of mountainous biking; let's not forget the necessity of a Jeep(TM) or other Rugged Outdoorsy(TM) motor vehicle owned by a bank, which will allow you to get your mountainous bike to the trail head.

theEel said...

weed.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Trail head is my favorite kind of head.

pablo straittio said...

Dix

Dirty Mind said...

I don't like riding in dirt because it tends to be dirty.

Asleep at the Switch said...

Holy Mother of Darkness, I sat here reading every single word of the post, even took a break to visit the Loo half way through and on the way back visited the kitchen to get a cop of coffee, and just discovered I could have been a contender. Drat...I...say...Drat. Oh well, I'll do better tomorrow. PS - Anyone hear what the Donald shot over the weekend? I don't mean ducks sitting on a Syrian runway, mean golf Sat & Sun at Marlo a Lag Oh.

Anonymous said...

Such a tease, for like 5 seconds I thought you might be coming to Houston. Now my whole day is ruined because I'm not going to meet some nobody that is as big of a jerk as I am.

N/A said...

I certainly hope all of the Fondon't riders are going to be required to submit urine samples at the ride check-in.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

15th Scrani!

N/A said...

As a matter of fact, any attendees to the REI mountainous biking speaking event should probably submit a sample when they arrive, too. Better safe than sorry.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

"I'd say that as of this moment here's a 68% chance this ride will happen, and if it does there's a 99% chance I'll be the slowest person on it if yesterday's ride was any indication."

Don't underestimate yourself, there is a 98.37% chance I'll be at the Fondon't and therefore a major part of the 1% chance that you won't be the slowest!

Matt said...

Holy cats...special bikes for mountainious riding? I can't believe it...what, is it April Fools a bit late? You're kidding, right? Who in their right minds would want to leave the safety of ROADS and go out on dirt? With ACTUAL LIVE ANIMALS? ROCKS? NARROW TRAILS? Sounds like a deathwish to me. I agree...it will NEVER catch on. Bikes for off-road...sheesh...what will they think of next?

leroy said...

My dog seems a little too eager to provide a urine sample for the Fondon't.

Don't know what that's about.

But it probably involves beer.

Charles Young said...

I didn't have time to watch Paris-Roubaix. I was being a golf Fred and watched paint dry at The Masters.

HITE RPRT said...

That Hite Rite turns that breezer's seat pillar into a dropper post. Or close enough.

Stephen Hill said...

not being a douche on a mountain bike trail may need its own seminar.

Anonymous said...

Hell yes! Nothing new under the sun!

dickey said...

I signed your petition but I live in Atlanta.

Crosspalms said...

N/A,
Judging from our host's previous ride photos, urine samples are submitted at scenic overlooks somewhere on the route.

dancesonpedals said...

Fondont! When we get to the place that serves beer, will we crash Dominick's birthday party again?

dnk said...

South of Houston is Galveston Bay, famed for its majestic mountains and its sea of tranquility.

Steely Danzig said...

I think the 1st generation Specialized mtn bikes are kind of ugly. I think a lot of the modern full-squish mtn bikes are hideous.

Hair Furor said...

Snobs, if I show up to the Fondon't on a full-crabon Fred-Sled will I be allowed to participate?

I bought the bike before I started reading this blog (but I bought the KuKu-Penthouse afterwards).

I wish . . . said...

Thanks for posting that picture of my neighborhood - the mist from the waterfall gently moistures our vegetable garden and everyone is always kind and respectful, and of coure there are no cars, only bikes. It is Nirvana,

Pist Off said...

The brazed Breezer Lightnings are some of the best looking mountain bikes ever made. Not sure if there was a specialized in today's post.

I have a Hite-Rite in a drawer somewhere. They were okay to keep the seat down for long descents but seatposts and seat tubes started to get worn down in a fine grinding paste after riding in any mud or sand. It needed a condom of some kind to keep the crap out of the frame.

TerpJD said...

Dear Sir or Madam - I am extremely interested in the innovative dropper post design demonstrated in the appended mountainous bicycle picture. Will there be a Kickstarter?

Steely Danzig said...

The Breezer is nice to look at. There was no Specialized today, just a random comment.

I Still Have A One Inch Tube said...

Ahh... The Breezer. That was when men were men and mountain bikes had 1" steer tubes.

Mae West said...

Is that a one-inch steerer tube, or are you just glad to see me?

Some guy from upstate said...

I used to think mountain bikes were stupid. That was four mountain bikes ago. Then I thought single speed mountain bikes were stupid. That was two single speed mountain bikes ago. I currently think fat bikes are stupid. I don't like where this is going.

Saudi Albertan Sheik said...

Breezer shmeezer ...

My first love

My Tube Has Collars said...

Hey there Mae.
Not only is it one inch, it's threaded too!

My Tube Has Collars said...

That means the more you twist it the less slop you feel.

Dooth said...

Sex in the woods...that's reason enough for mountain biking.

Doc Sarvis said...

Sounds like you want a taste test

Anonymous said...

It's not a retro mountainous bike orgy without a Bullmoose bar/stem combo. Thanx Saudi Albertan

Anonymous said...

I don't know. I. Just. Don't. Know.

Anonymous said...

nobody, NOBODY wants weather forecasts.

N/A said...

I've never been a mountainous bike sorta' guy, but this year I'm going to try it. Dodging shitty people in cars has finally worn on me too much. Fortunately, I've got a few good MUP options for the paved-style riding, but that gets old after a while. Here's hoping I don't wrap myself around a tree!

I'll submit a urine sample at the beginning of every ride.