Me! More Than You Ever Wanted to Know

As I've mentioned before, the terms of my blogging contract stipulate that when New York City public schools are closed so am I, and of course New York City schools are closed this week (and part of next) for Spring Recess.

Nevertheless, because I am cursed with a strong work ethic, I will continue to post during this time (though I do reserve the right to truncate posts or even fuck off completely from time to time as it suits me).  I will also of course continue to update the Bike Forecast, because without it this city would grind to a halt like a seized freehub.

So there you have it.

With that out of the way, today's post will be all about me, because me, me, me:

(Me.)

Firstly, one (1) week from today (2dā), I'll be at the REI in the up-and-coming South of Houston (or "SoHo") neighborhood to talk about the trendy new sport of "mountainous biking:"

Mountainous biking involves riding bicycles with knobby tires on rugged terrain, and bike companies are even building dedicated bikes specifically for this purpose.

(It'll never catch on.)

So if you live in New York City and have been curious about trying the mountainous biking, but have dismissed it as an impossibility because you live in the most populous city in the United States, I'll endeavor to explain things like:

--How you can ride or use mass transit to access mountain bike trails;
--Why you don't need suspension or dropper posts or all that other stuff the bikey media says you do;
--Once you get to the trail, how not to be a douchebag.

The proceedings will then conclude with a five-hour seminar on tire tread and how to determine the optimal #whatpressureyourunning.

Best of all, my books will be available and I'll even sign them for you, which is reason enough on its own not to go.

In other news, I put on stretchy clothes yesterday and rode one of those bikes with the click-in pedals and curved handlebars like they use in the Tour de France, and I think I'm getting a handle on the BSNYC Gran Fondon't Build-Up Ride that may or may not happen:

(Actual terrain and scenery may vary.)

If it does, you can expect the following:

--Short notice from me;
--Trespassing;
--Irregular surfaces that will allow you to justify that fancy new gravel bike you bought;
--Finishing someplace that serves beer.

I'd say that as of this moment here's a 68% chance this ride will happen, and if it does there's a 99% chance I'll be the slowest person on it if yesterday's ride was any indication.

I don't use Strava, but if I did I don't think it would ever leave auto-pause mode.

Speaking of riding on bumpy roads and stuff, yesterday saw the running of the [?]th edition of Paris-Roubaix, which was won by [?] after a solo attack/select group escaped on the penultimate cobbled sector/unprecedented 30-rider field sprint/trackstanding competition on the infield of the Roubaix velodrome:

(Generic creative commons photo of bicycle racers from a reace that is not Paris-Roubaix because at this point in my life I can't be bothered.)

As usual, riders did stuff like double-tape their bars and use top-mount brake levers, which always gets lots of press nothing thrills Freds more than occasional pro rider transgressions of those idiotic Velominati rules.  

Significantly, this year's Paris-Roubaix also marked the end of Tom Boonen's racing career:

Before he headed to the team bus, Boonen was asked what he would do next. "Now? I'm going to look for my car," he said with a laugh. That closed out the crazy scenery at the Quick-Step Floors team bus.

Journalists seem to want Tom Boonen to get all emotional about all of this, but you've got to imagine few things feel better than crossing the finish line of the race you've won four (?) times, firing off that last urine sample, and then driving off in your Hyundai with the knowledge you've never got to do it again.

As long as he avoids any ill-advised comebacks he should be in good shape:

Those never seem to turn out well:

Lastly, for those of you who live and ride in New York City, here's a petition for a two-way bike lane on Broadway in the Bronx along Van Cortlandt Park:

With a street design that encourages speeding for vehicles moving from Yonkers to Manhattan, we need a safer way for pedestrian and cyclist to access Van Cortlandt Park that also curbs speeding on Broadway.

Narrower vehicle lanes, pedestrian islands, sidewalk extensions and a dedicated, 2-way protected bike lane alongside the park would provide our community with a safer, stress-free access to the park and turn Broadway from a speedway, to a street inclusive of all road users.

You're goddamn right we do.

So sign it, because it makes my life better.