Monday, March 6, 2017

I could come up with a title for this post, but then it would be even later.

The 1970s:



(I like how at the end she just drops the bike like, "Fuck this.")

Besides voluminous hair and wobbly rides over covered bridges, this decade also gave us the musical stylings of Kiss, and while it may have taken over 40 years now you can finally own the Kiss-branded crabon time trial bike and matching wheelset of your dreams:



The carbon-fiber KISS road bike allows the purchaser to have a KISS 88MM wheel set with the black and white KISS logo, a KISS limited edition carbon-fibre rear disc wheel featuring the four KISS faces from the Rock and Roll Over cover and a limited edition carbon-fibre tri-spoke front wheel that is also black and white with the KISS logo and symbols of the band members. See each of the items below. Those interested in learning more about the KISS bike options can check in at the Sciacallo Bikes website.

I'm going to assume the bike is wind tunnel-tested:


By which I mean they pointed a fan at it for 20 minutes to make sure the Kiss decals didn't fall off.

And clearly it's a shot across the cockpit of another time trial bike that also bears the name of someone world-famous for lechery:


Sadly no word on complete bike pricing, but if the non-Kiss "chassis" is just over $3,000 you can assume the full-douche version will cost you quite a bit more:


That's a lot to pay for some irony, and frankly I'd go with the waffle maker instead:


Though I suppose if you have your heart set on something bike-specific you could always settle for the Kiss wheelset, which is a bargain at only $1,199.99:


Both T-800 Carbon Rims are Dressed To Kill with oversized icons of The Star Child, The Demon, The Catman and The Spaceman.  As with all other KISS® wheel sets, they come with a Certificate of Authenticity signed by legendary rockers Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley.  These wheels are Officially Licensed and Limited in production so order before they are gone.

The designers could have de-emphasized the SS Bolt motif in the Kiss logo, but instead they repeated it in keeping with the current zeitgeist:



Classy.

Of course, the first thing you'll want to do when taking delivery of your Kiss bike is upgrade it with a cutting-edge lighting system like the Speednite:



This is the integrated smart stem/headlight system you never knew you wanted because indeed you didn't and don't want it, and here's the creator explaining his inspiration:


"I love cycling at night because it gives me more freedom and happiness.  But I always feel not enough visibility."

Have you tried adding some color to your wardrobe?

Of course not.  Why do that when instead you can invent a light that moves with your head?


"It can be controlled by tracking your head motion."

If you want a light that can be controlled by your head motion wouldn't it be easier to simply put the light on your helmet?  And why do you even want your light integrated into your stem?  What if you want to put it on a different bike?

I dunno, but it does have a "laser indicator:"


"It also has a side laser indicator which can be controlled by tracking your left and right head motion to make other road users aware of your direction choice."

I don't see how a diagonal red laser communicates to other road users what direction you intend to turn, unless that road user happens to be a cat:


In fact, now that nobody listens to CDs anymore I'm pretty sure the only thing lasers are still used for is cat entertainment.

Of course the Speednite also has an integrated display to let you know when you've attained metric Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! speed:


And it's even got a crash notification system complete with "SOS light:"


If you crash on your Kiss bike there's an explosion of sparks, the stem plays "Detroit Rock City," and the Speednite flashes in time with the music.

Or, you could just get a folding electric fat bike instead:



This will be every bike at Walmart in 10 years.

59 comments:

Anonymous said...

F I R S T

Anonymous said...

Did I beat Ted?

N/A said...

Haha, I like the logo on the KISS bike. It couldn't get much closer to Specialized.

Freddy Murcks said...

Careful what you say about Kiss, Snob. You do not want to piss off Gene Simmons. He's likely to go full 'Terry Gross' on you.

Dane Watt said...

Eh, I'll take it

Serial Retrogrouch said...

very later

leroy said...

Has anyone seen my dog?

I want to ask him if he knows who wrote "Captain and Tennille" on my wheels in crayon.

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

Early Rider ...


vsk

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

I should have said eighthiest.

What the wtf are 88mm wheels ?

vsk

Anonymous said...

coolest bike at walmart:
https://www.walmart.com/ip/700C-Northrock-RFS1-Unisex-Fitness-Bike-Metallic-Black/44811788

Not far off from a trek 7.1, $215

Grump said...

That KISS TT bike might be a great idea. Everyone who passes you would be so aghast, they would slow down, just to stare at it for a minute. Some might even fall off their bikes, laughing. To attract even more attention (if possible), you could carry a small powered speaker to play KISS music.

Frickus Rungus said...

I would definitely put a set of "muskrat love" aero wheels on my bike, if such a thing existed.

Fnarf said...

88mm is three and a half inches. So, like on a grocery cart or something?

Should I start feeling inadequate because I only have the one computer on my handlebars? I only have that one to control my electric motor. But now I need to put my phone on there, and my headlamp controller, and eventually an iPad so I can watch old episodes of "Columbo" while veering into the oncoming lane. Where am I going to put all this stuff?

BamaPhred said...

Thanks Snob I would have never made the link between KISS and the white supremacist movement I'll get the SPLC right on it. 88 and lightning bolts should move them onto their list of over 900 identified hate groups.

Bryan said...

Gene Simmons will put his name/brand on just about anything. I would rather ride that electric folding fat bike than the KISS TT bike. I mean, did you see how easy that things went up a flight of steps??
That stem isn't the worst thing I've seen. For all the weird techy stems you have posted about, I like this one the best. I ride with a helment light in the dark months, but it is heavy and noticeable, plus I am pretty sure it gets aimed directly in rearview/sideview mirrors. Now, I don't see myself spending that kind of scratch on a light that is only on 1 bike anytime soon, but I like the concept.

Anonymous said...

The KISS bike is stupid. Now if they offered an AC/DC bike, that would literally rock.

What about a BSNY bike? "Curmudgeonly crafted from steel repurposed from the Brooklyn Bridge, this bike will quickly illuminate how badly you really suck."

dnk said...

Hey -- did the Lone Wolf join KISS?

Fred Mercury said...

The Sciacallo brothers are from Buffalo, NY. They drive Camaros, have mullets, wear gold chains and Aqua Velva.

Short Circuit said...

Internal Wiring. Oh, that will be great to get at when something inevitably goes wrong.

CommieCanuck said...

The MOAR can ride on pavement, dirt and gravel, plus it's motorized, so it can replace four UCI race bikes. But finally, bikes are electric, thus green.

The Costco in Tonawanda sells Aqua Velva in convenient gallon sizes. No Sciacallo would drive a Camaro, it's a Trans Am or a Fiat 500.

KISS bike, OK...but I don't see the need to change from my Barry Manilow time trial bike.

OHHH MNDY

CommieCanuck said...

Few people know that new GM Trans Ams are Flex fuel, and can run on pure Aqua Velva.

WTH said...

Capcha
1. select street signs - about 8 squares
2. select apartment buildings - 3 sqs
3. select sqs with signs (shopping center sign on side of road) - about 8 sqs

3 levels of security, involving about 19 sqs to click on, seriously? The CIA doesn't have that many levels of security.

CommieCanuck said...

Fox news: Here's what your bike seat is doing to your vagina.

The more likely problem? Chafing. Using an ointment or skin lubricant like Vaseline, Body Glide or Aquaphor can alleviate this. In addition, you should time your cycling classes around your wax and shave sessions. “It’s probably not great to do a cycling class minutes after getting a Brazilian wax," says Knopman. "The skin is a bit raw and sitting on a bike immediately after may not be the best idea.”

FAKE NUWS

Erique Le Chamferer said...

I know how to fix zee vagine.

Someone Told Me said...

Breitbart this morning says that the KISS Bike comes with built in eavesdropping technology. If it was published there it must be true, The Trumper to be all over it tonight with a Tweet.

N/A said...

Man, I'll tell you what, if getting a clean close shave and smacking a handful of Aqua Velva on your cheeks doesn't start your day up proper, then you just ain't doing it right.

I'm wearing it right now! I save the Skin Bracer for the summertime.

1904 Cadardi said...

The MOAR bike? How soon till the LOL bike is available? Oh, wait, is that the KISS bike?

Crosspalms said...

I was going to drive my Toronado down to Korvette's to get a KISS bike, but I couldn't find my keys.

Matt said...

Back in 1980/81 or so KISS came out with a comic book and to be like super-metal or whatever, they all donated some blood which was poured into the red ink at the printing plant so that your comic book had actual KISS blood in it.

Now that I think about it, AIDS emerged a couple of years later. COINCIDENCE???

bieks said...

I doubt even your "almost fat bike" has 88mm wheels. Must be for winter time trials.

Mmm, waffles. Waiting for the Jens Voigt's Army model.

Bluezurich said...

Not one helmet remark from the FF ad, you're slipping.

Dooth said...

Farrah, hell yeah! I'm sure I rubbed a few out to her.

JLRB said...

Dirty little secret - the first concert I ever attended was Kiss. I think it was 1976 or 1977. Back in the daze of contact highs at arena concerts.

JLRB said...

And at least FF had the decency to drop the bike on the non-drive side.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Worked backstage security at a Kiss concert in '78, when they were at the height of their popularity. Saw them without their makeup on, which was a BIG deal back in those days.

P.S. I was a somewhat scrawny frat boy with absolutely no security background, training or experience, but hey, I got paid and got to see Kiss for free!

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

#whatpresidentyourunnin


Come on, no Trump bash today, people are slippin...


vsk

Le Pew said...

Low hanging fruit 🍉 c'est traitor Trump.

Anonymous said...

They should replace the rear wheel of that kiss bike with an LP that plays while you ride

Fred Fredriksen said...

I have a bunch of the old KISS lp's, original, mint condition. Don't listen to them because they aren't very good.

Holy Roller said...

Waiting for the Holy Trinity Triathlon bike to bless us with it's presence.

Guitar Licks said...

No one has yet to mention that trout-like tongue.

Some guy from upstate said...

I'm sort of disturbed that my first thought upon reading that the Kiss wheelset was autographed by Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley was "what about Ace Frehley and Peter Criss?"

Wondering if WCRM was sort of disturbed by the fact that he knew "Detroit Rock City" was the appropriate Kiss song to play after a crash.

Bogusboy said...

Is there really someone on this planet who wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen on that piece of shit?

Agent Orange said...

OMG! The Donald Trump TT bike! Awesome!!!

Anonymous said...

Make doping great again.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

46th, hopefully there will be life as we know it after SCROTUS 45!

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

47st? Noice!

Anonymous said...

"I like how at the end she just drops the bike like, "Fuck this."

I like the bar end shifters. This is how you can tell I'm old.

Anonymous said...

She can shift my bar end

Anonymous said...

"And clearly it's a shot across the cockpit of another time trial bike that also bears the name of someone world-famous for lechery"

Are Kiss members known for lechery? I don't know I'm just asking...

Arizona hillbilly said...

KISS bike? I'll wait for The Monkeys bike...

Die free said...

Late? Did you see what time it is? I'm the late one

Bully girl on Marge's Simpson's school bus said...

"I'll wait for The Monkeys bike..."

That's not even his own hat.

Anonymous said...

I dunno about KISS but I'm pretty sure every night was Speednite for the dudes from Motorhead.

That electric fatbike is hilarious and the person in the full face helmet makes it even funnier.

Drock said...

If you went through what I went through today you'd be last as well. I wouldn't say she threw the bike down at the end of hair magic show but she was happy to get rid of it. Keep rockin snob, I'm reading it's just all of a sudden much later in the day.

ken e. said...


FARA FWCT
KISS ARMY

HAIR FRMR
ZZZZ ZZZZ

kiss is still a band even? i'll go see sondre lerche every time, even a million times, until he dies, or me, but kiss? (swearing)

JLRB said...

The
Monkeys bike - 4 seater tandem - is on display at Bicycle Heaven in Pittsburgh

bad boy of the north said...

#whatlaserisyourcatwatching.

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