Thursday, March 30, 2017

All the News That's Fit to Print, and All the Blogging That's Fit to Bin

Hey, look at that, I got an "And Finally..." in the Times!

The Daily Bike Forecast, which began in January and posts on weekday mornings by 5 a.m., shares information like bridge and path conditions; travel advisories; clothing-musts based on the weather; and Citi Bike updates from across the five boroughs.

Today's entry is especially indispensable, since not only does it include the lowdown on an NYPD ticket sting, but it also blows the lid off the correlation between hating bike lanes and having an insatiable appetite for human testicles.

Now that's hard-hitting news you can ewes.

Congratulations to me.  And TransAlt, of course, who will never recover from their association with me.

Oh, and the Times mention is even getting great comments:

So there you go.

In other news, a blogger over at Jalopnik attempted to make fun of that dumb $39,000 Bugatti bicycle:

This sort of thing should be like shooting fish in a cliché, and the bike is undeniably moronic, but still the author managed to miss the mark:

Boats and yachts I get, because you could theoretically include the car’s engine to power the thing. This is a bicycle. A fucking “special urban” bicycle WHICH! I might add, is not even intended to be used on public roads, reads the website. Well, then, what the fuck good is it?

Firstly, what does the lack of a motor have to do with anything? She mentions boats, but I'm pretty sure you could pay a fuckload of money for a sailboat.  Guaranteed some Wind Fred is tearing it up out there on a crazily expensive America's Cup replica even as I type this.

Secondly, making stupid bikes is just what car companies do.  Remember BMW's hybrid for example?

You know, the one with beefy disc brakes that weighed as much as a baby?

It's not just car companies, either.  Putting out an overpriced bike with their name on it is pretty much de rigueur for all luxury brands:

(This one's actually pretty sensible...but not at $11,000)

Not only do they get some instant press, but a few high-net worth individuals for whom decimal places are totally meaningless might see one on display while on a shopping spree and buy one, and the rest of us get to laugh.

Most importantly, why is the Bugatti bike and dumber than, say, a Bugatti Chiron, which costs three million dollars?

It has 1500hp and a top speed of 261mph, which no billionaire douchebag could possibly attain and live.  In that respect I suppose it's a subversive machine designed to kill off the global elite one by one.

Anyway, none of this would even be noteworthy if the car blogger didn't finish up her wet noodle smackdown with this nugget:

Wait, what?

"Laugh at your tiny genitals," "Put paprika in your chamois cream," "Smash it to pieces while you're chipping golf balls at the servants..."  Any of these would have been not only acceptable but at least marginally more clever.  But this kind of crap coming from a car blogger?
All else aside, I wanted to know what kind of car a blogger at Jalopnik might hit a cyclist with, as I was pretty sure it wasn't a $3 million supercar.  It didn't take me long to find out:

Regarding the headline, I do (or at least the bank does) and it isn't, I promise--and I don't even have to deal with alternate-side parking, let alone keep my car in a garage:

I live in Brooklyn now, just across the water from New York City’s densest traffic. My annual garage fee is what some Americans would call a year’s worth of rent. The garage is down the street, but I need to call at least one day in advance if I want my car. That really takes the spontaneity out of a drive.

Sounds great.  So what is this car?

I daily a 2002 Mercedes-Benz C32 AMG, and, charmingly, this is the car that got me into cars when I was a kid. You know, the weird C-Class AMG. The one with the supercharged 349 horsepower V6 instead of a V8.

Wait, you "daily" it?  Not if you have to call a day in advance to use it you don't. At best you every-other-daily it.

So how is all of this possibly worth it?  Well, I guess it helps when your father gave you the car:

This little sedan used to belong to my dad and we had great talks about what made it special, why he chose this over the E46 BMW M3. I grew up watching him. I watched him park in the spots as far away from the grocery carts as possible. I watched him go on Sunday morning drives when nobody else was awake. I watched him wash it in the dead of night in the garage after the state issued water regulations in the face of a drought.

Ah yes, a hand-me-down Mercedes.  It all makes sense now.  Not only does it explain how a blogger can justify the expense of garaging a car in the most transit-rich city in the country, but it also explains the joke about hitting people, since finding that sort of thing funny is usually born of a sense of entitlement.  Not that I think she would actually go hitting people with her Mercedes (I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here), but you can be damn sure that she's emanating contempt in your direction from the safety of her hand-me-down luxury car and nodding her head approvingly at every anti-bike tabloid screed.

Anyway, naturally a Twitter discussion about this shitty joke ensued, which predictably prompted the editor-in-chief of Jalopnik to accuse the over-sensitive cyclists of not understanding their sophisticated humor sensibility:

Hey, I know it's tough to make the monthly payments on that Kia Sportage, but maybe squeeze a few more bucks out of the budget to hire some slightly better writers.

As for the Bugatti, rest assured a request is pending:

I'll let you know as soon as I receive it.


Anonymous said...

Thursday morning first!

Ted K. said...

229. The leftist is oriented toward large-scale collectivism. He emphasizes the duty of the individual to serve society and the duty of society to take care of the individual. He has a negative attitude toward individualism. He often takes a moralistic tone. He tends to be for gun control, for sex education and other psychologically “enlightened” educational methods, for social planning, for affirmative action, for multiculturalism. He tends to identify with victims. He tends to be against competition and against violence, but he often finds excuses for those leftists who do commit violence. He is fond of using the common catch- phrases of the left, like “racism,” “sexism,” “homophobia,” “capitalism,” “imperialism,” “neocolonialism,” “genocide,” “social change,” “social justice,” “social responsibility.” Maybe the best diagnostic trait of the leftist is his tendency to sympathize with the following movements: feminism, gay rights, ethnic rights, disability rights, animal rights, political correctness. Anyone who strongly sympathizes with ALL of these movements is almost certainly a leftist. [36]

Cinimod said...

Would be rude not to.

Great to see parallel blog processing!

PLPos0713 said...

Uhmmm 2nd?

PLPos0713 said...

whoops i meant 4th

McFly said...

Chiron was the guy in the Moonlight movie that got the handjob on the beach. Now I ask my woman......"Say howzaboot you give me a Chiron babe?"

Anonymous said...

Wow, way too sensitive to the Jalopnik Bugatti thing.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Hi, Patrick!

--Wildcat Etc.

dancesonpedals said...

as the kids say, '9st'

N/A said...

I read your linked article by stupid Kristen Lee. Her horribleness just emanates through her writing.
I like how Kristen Lee brags about her dad washing his stupid car despite water restrictions as if she's proud of it. And she brags about how stupid she is for paying "a year's worth of rent" to store her dad's stupid hand-me-down car. Then, to highlight what an absolutely delightful person she must be, she talks about "sliding around" taxis and pedestrians (cutting people off and almost hitting people, you mean? I bet that's what she means).
Then she describes what real automotive passion she has by italicizing MY CAR, and what we can only assume is an attempt to describe her prowess behind the wheel by "taking the longer way because that road has a really fun twisty section". Then, one last humble-brag about her dad's stupid hand-me-down car, "... it makes all of the cost and the time and the worry worth it."

This self-important twit probably can't ride a bike.

Gaffer Smythe said...

I read Jalopnik every day, but skipped right over that post. I don't give a spurt about million dollar cars or stupid expensive bikes.

But any SARCASM that involves threats to life and limb is just lame, if not flat out irresponsible.

I don't live in a city. I don't bike every day. So, Mr. Jalopnik, don't try to lump every driver or cyclist into your same thin outdated, and unfunny narrative.

N/A said...

I wonder if stupid Kristen Lee has daddy's checkbook for rent for herself and her stupid hand-me-down car?

N/A said...

Also, while I'm bemoaning shitty stupid people, Patrick George does not seem to know what sarcasm is, "extreme" or otherwise. Funny, you'd think that "writers" would have a better grasp on the meaning of a fairly common word.

It's OK, Patrick, lots of people are stupid. Kristen Lee, for example.

N/A said...

WAIT A MINUTE, was Patrick being "ironic"? I can't keep it all straight.

OK, I'm done now.

Bryan Bracy said...

Sophistically threatening cyclists is the new orange. top twenty and I read it...

cdinvb said...

Yeah. What ever. Two things wrong with my '98 Corolla: paid for, and it runs. - This might be a decent day to cut around the signs about "don't" and no. Take my '96 Trek for a roll on sand roads.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...


Very Slim Pickens said...

18th - Not bad for an old dog.

Pumping Pump Pump said...

McFly: and she says "do it your self".

Grump said...

Why doesn't Kristen Lee buy as real car? (something that isn't an old junker) I'm sure that her monthly repair bills on that pile of junk far outweigh her parking garage fees. If she relied on public transportation she probably could afford a one bedroom apartment.

Social Media Man! said...


Cat 404 e-Racer said...

Green hiliter in today's screed reminded me of the Veo Unibrow strips so I checked to see if they're are still rocking the cycling world with their unique product.

They are still banging on.

Looking at the BMC rider, I have to wonder what the idea behind this rendition of the white jersey might be?

Philip Yost said...

If I see you driving that car, I'm going to smash the driver's side window with the hammer in my backpack, drag you out of the car by your throat, and crush your skull under my steel toed boots.

McFly said...

Can't, I have early onset carpal tunnel.

Very Slim Pickens said...

"Laugh at your tiny genitals," "Put paprika in your chamois cream," "Smash it to pieces while you're chipping golf balls at the servants..." Any of these would have been not only acceptable but at least marginally more clever. But this kind of crap coming from a car blogger?"

Or "stare at your small hands"

Don't Mess Around with Philip said...

Philip at 156 - That'll show her.

HivemindX said...

Get a new excuse for your shit car fans. That whole "it was just a joke where's you sense of humour" was pathetic when Clarkson pioneered it and now it's pathetic and clichéd.

If I understand it correctly, any comment about seriously injuring or killing a cyclist for fun or because you fancy yourself as some sort of vigilante is a joke. However, if I was for example so say that I may scratch the shit out of daddy's second hand merc with my keys if I ever see it on the street that would indicate I'm a monster who needs to be tracked down and killed. To reiterate: Comment about killing or injuring a cyclist - Joke. Comment about damaging your property - Hate crime.

Zoom Zoom said...

261 MPH, I'm waiting for the 265 model to come out. At 261, what PSI does it run at?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Veostrips give you weird tan lines.

The Marquis de Sade said...

Bring back the horse and buggy whip days. And harness up Kristen to the buggy (some might construe that as punishment, but I rather suspect she would enjoy it).

Putin on the Ritz said...

"today's entry is especially indispensable, since not only does it include the lowdown on an NYPD ticket sting, but it also blows the lid off the correlation between hating bike lanes and having an insatiable appetite for human testicles."

Tomorrow - Snob blows the lid off of Russia & Trump and Golden Showers. Don' t miss it!

Oversensitive Cyclist said...

No, Patrick Thomas Henry Francis George III, I do not equate vehicular assault with racism. Nor do I equate genocide with mass incarceration. What was your point?

A left and a Right and Schmeling is Down said...

Philip, Just image what Babble would do to her.

PS The steel boots, don' t kill her in doing so. And, if she wants you to stop, so she can take a selfie, let her. She's going to want to blog about the experience, posted right in-between the entries on getting her nails done and getting her hair done.

Anonymous said...

RE: "Anonymous wishiwasmerckx said...
Veostrips give you weird tan lines."

I know what you mean and I use mine as marital aids.

leroy said...

Well this explains why my dog has been poking me in the ribs all afternoon and asking "please you send me biek."

SCOTUS said...

HivemindX "Comment about damaging your property - Hate crime."

Probably not a hate crime, sounds more like basic vandalism as you described it. Now if you used the key to write nasty things about her ethnicity, religion, etc, that would be a different story.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Hitting cyclists with your car is so passé, apparently hitting pedestrians is where's it's at now!

As a bike fred and a car fred, and there are plenty of us, let me be on record that talking about intentionally hitting cyclists with cars is just being a total douche.

Matthew said...

I read Jalopnik daily and I love it. I read your blog whenever you put down the Wednesday weed and bash out a post, and I love it too. Seeing you guys at each other's throats is like watching my parents fight. It makes me anxious.

Kristen Lee is a talented writer and I honestly think it was a throwaway remark made without malice. Ill-conceived, perhaps, but not malicious.

Patrick George's response on Twitter was unfortunate, but then Twitter tends to bring out the snark in people.

Can't we all just be friends?

(Btw, there are loads of people out there who love both cars and bikes. They aren't mutually exclusive and the affection Ms Lee displays for her car is no different to that expressed by many cyclists for their bikes. Bike dorks have more in common with Jalops than you'd think - although liking cars is very mainstream, geeking out about quirky left-field cars is not. We should unite in our collective dweebiness.)

Anonymous said...

sarcasm: Donald Trump's presidency is going well so far

not sarcasm: the next time I see some dumb mom walking her stupid kid across the street I'm going mow them both down with my car! :)

Anonymous said...

what the fuck is a jalopnik?

BikeSnobNYC said...


I've appreciated Jalopnik's sensibility when someone forwards something to me. I also appreciate cars and always have, though at this point in my life the love affair's pretty much over. Still, I'm aware of the crossover.

In light of all this I thought it was a shitty quil that deserved to be called out. I don't have any personal need or desire for them to apologize or even acknowledge it, though Patrick George did go the extra mile to be a douche about it.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

bieks said...

I like teeny-tiny cars, but maybe I'm just compensating for something.

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ, let it go. It's a just a blog and a joke.

Clarkey said...

230. After the revolutionaries bring down the technological system, their next goal should be to purge the global elite. To this end, sectors of the proletariat will be utilized for the production of handmade Bugatti Chirons. When all the elite have succumbed to 261 mph, the cars and factories must be destroyed. No one can be trusted with such a choice ride.

EricBikeCO said...

And if you think Jalopnik is fully of fuckwit (it is) go read Lane Splitter where men with even smaller punishes justify his being a prick on a motorcycle is justified cuz some bitch in a E320 her daddy gave her cut them off as the rode in the left lane at THREE FUCKING TIMES THE SPEED LIMIT. Wait. Isn't Gawker Media Hill Hogan's bitch by now? Xoxo

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 6:46pm,

This post has been up a long time, it's been out of my system all day. Looks like it's your turn to let it go.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

PS: What do you daily?

Drock said...

I don't read anymore just feeling the need to write a comment.

Aussie Arsehole said...

FYI, For the past week there has been a bicycle race across Australia, 5500kms from Perth to Sydney. And today - a fucking Australian motorist killed Mike Hall. A man who was an inspiration to many, a man who had ridden 10,000s of kms in endurance races around the world. And he dies on a fucking Australian road. A country with a well earned reputation as the worst place in the world to ride a bicycle. Will the fucking Australian police send his estate a few fucking $500 traffic fines - I'm sure they can find something - they do whenever I ride in that god forsaken country.

RIP Mike Hall.

Anonymous said...

> PS: What do you daily?

I read your blogs, of course! Or is that even lamer than throwing your rim brakes in the trash?

bieks said...

Aussie Arsehole - holy shit. Mike Hall was awesome, can't believe it. I was sort of following that race. What a horrible end to an otherwise exciting finish.

oceansprite said...

This post got me riled up. I like "hate" car drivers now, esp. Patrick George,

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't all of Seattle's traffic problems be solved now that they got rid of the "silly bike rentals"?

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