Monday, February 27, 2017

The end of road racing.

Thank you for indulging my absence during the Winter Reese's:


(Explanation: focus groups did not like "Chrismas Turd" so packaging was changed.)

As you may know we're experiencing an unseasonably warm February this year, so over the past week I was able to indulge in some family-style cycling:


Some solo mixed-terrain #whatpressuryourunning cycling:


And even some Category 6 Citi-Biking:


That's the new sumptuous two-way bicycle lane on Chrystie Street, and the green thing being projected onto it is the new Blaze light with which the oncoming Citi Bike is equipped:

Citi Bike + Blaze from Citi Bike on Vimeo.

If I'd fallen asleep back in the year 2000 and woken up today like some kind of Fred Van Winkle...


...the sight of a public bank-branded laser-firing futuristic space bike traveling along a two-way bike lane would completely blow my mind.  Then when I learned who the president was I'd probably beat myself back into a state of long-term unconsciousness, waking up 20 years hence only to discover that the planets in the Trappist-1 system are not only inhabited by humans but linked by bridges and ruined by Teslas:




Speaking of the future, the future is now, which is why some of the pro roadies are using disc brakes.  However, they're still not without controversy, and one rider complains a disc rotor almost severed his foot recently during an interview he conducted while wearing nothing but a towel:



In fact, he was so frightened he apparently wet himself while discussing it:


Subsequent to this, the cycling media and Fred-dom at large seem to taken umbrage at this claim, and have gone to great lengths to discredit it.  There's been Zapruder film-like analysis:


Based on this video, it appears that Doull caused the crash, pinched against the left-side barriers. Kittel is on the Brit’s right shoulder, and is taken out shortly thereafter. You can see the German’s disc brake-equipped Specialized S-Works Venge Vias flying through the air while he slides face-first on his stomach. The disc bike lands some distance ahead of both Kittel and Doull.

There is a brief moment in which foot-on-rotor contact would have been possible. As Doull falls left, the inside of his left foot, which is where he was cut, would have needed to go under his own bike and hit the left side of Kittel’s bike, where the disc rotors are located. That doesn’t look likely based on the footage (Kittel appears to be launched forward when Doull’s own bike slides under Kittel’s bike), but stranger things have happened in high-speed crashes.

As well as half-assed testing:



The reason for this skepticism is obvious: the entire Fred economy depends on a wholesale shift to road bikes with disc brakes.  If, however, the professional Freds refuse to accept this shift, then the whole crabon gravy train grinds to a halt like a low spoke-count wheelset with a broken spoke in a rim brake frame.  Why?  Because amateur Freds are completely unable to think for themselves and must ride whatever the pros do period full stop the end etc.  Even if Freds objectively like disc brakes better, they won't use them if the pros don't, because someone might see them and figure out that they're not pros too.  (Though the fact that they completely suck is usually enough of a giveaway.)

Therefore, the Fred Media must dismiss any criticism of discs on the part of the pro peloton as the Fredly equivalent of "fake news," or else the amateur Freds won't buy new disc brake bikes.

This is too bad.

Indeed, while I'm perfectly content with my primitive rim brake bikes, I've begun to realize that, with the advent of discs, American Fred-dom is now on the cusp of a great opportunity:

To finally divorce itself from the influence of stupid Euro UCI road racing once and for all.

Really, it's enough already.  Why in 2017 after innumerable scandals is any amateur cyclist still taking cues from this idiotic sport in any way?  It's time to say adieu!  After all, even Freds are able to get rid of their stupid hang-ups eventually.  Remember criteriums?


A cliterium (or "clit" for short) was a particularly boring form of bike racing in which a bunch of Freds rode up and down the main street of some hick town, and the last person without a broken collarbone was eventually declared the winner and given a free inner tube and a $10 gift certificate to the local hardware store.  Crazy as it may seem, this was once a popular form of Fred-dom.  But eventually people wised up, and realized that when it comes to racing around in circles, cyclocross (Americanized cyclocross, you know, with irony and stuff) is not only safer but a lot more fun:


(Incredibly, despite my poor remounting technique, I still managed to reproduce.)

And criteriums are way more entertaining when you hold them in cool cities and force people to ride fixies:


Now I think we're finally at the same point of realization with Euro-style road racing, since we've got a replacement all ready to go in the form of this whole "gravel" thing:


(It's "Handjob," but the "b" is silent.)

Oh, sure, the gravel thing is certainly silly.  Basically the bike industry sat around and said: "Let's take a Rivendell or a Surly Cross Check, swap the serviceable components for proprietary ones, make it out of plastic, and market it to Freds."  Even so, at least it's based on riding bikes in a fun way, whereas the best anybody could do with the whole traditional Euro-style road thing was Rapha's whole "exquisite suffering" take, which is already dated and over:


In case you're just joining bikes, this was actually cool for a few years.  I know it's hard to believe now that Rapha has become the default attire for people on brand new Treks with the pie plate still on, but I can assure you it was the case.

Anyway, all of this is to say that we've finally built ourselves a sound foundation, and have a whole range of weenie-ism to indulge in: cyclocross, fixed-gear criteriums, plus-sized mountain biking, bikepacking, gravel grinding...  It's time for the media and the consumers to say goodbye to UCI road racing once and for all and let it ride off into obscurity into the middle east, where a bunch of depilated Euros riding around in circles make perfect playthings for oil-rich royal families but generate nothing but boredom interspersed with periods of scandal for everyone else.

Because come on: if you still need to be that big a weenie in 2017, there's always triathlon.

51 comments:

Serial Retrogrouch said...

BANG

Serial Retrogrouch said...

I just started racing

Ted K. said...

Note 34. (Paragraph 215) This statement refers to our particular brand of anarchism. A wide variety of social attitudes have been called “anarchist,” and it may be that many who consider themselves anarchists would not accept our statement of paragraph 215. It should be noted, by the way, that there is a nonviolent anarchist movement whose members probably would not accept FC as anarchist and certainly would not approve of FC’s violent methods.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

to get ted off the podium

dancesonpedals said...

post hiatus scranus to you and you 17 children!

Ted K. said...

That's some good comment racing...

fongfong said...

Even Snobby Junior has a sensible chainguard! Nice flotilla.

Anonymous said...

HIDY HOOO

Bryan said...

Must be motoring doping, Retrogrouch...

Well, if it had to be monday, at least WCRM is back

dancesonpedals said...

JS Bach also had 17 children.. because despite cyclocross, his organ had no stops

Anonymous said...

XMAS TURD

The King of Park Slope said...

What's with Fred Van Winkle's shoes ... that's some poor ass photo shop right there.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Turd-tenth? Scranus and welcome back snob!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, to be fair the guys testing the Disc. Brake as cutting tool where using a stationary bike that was doing nothing and the brake rotor was cool. The guy whose shoe got cut on the other hand would have contacted a Rotor that was VERY hot from use and the result would have been slicing more from Heat then Sharpness. Sorry Devils advocate & all that. - masmojo

SoFlo'd said...

One could actually say 'Just Ride' ... hmmm, good title for a book... yup, UCI is lame, has been fer quite some time... welcome back Wildcat!!!

Cat 4 e-Racer said...

SCROTUS!

Top ten(base 16).

Chopper said...

When I'm not riding my disc equipped bike, I use it to make sushi.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Anonymous @ 1:16, plus if there was a motor that continued to power that hot dicks, it would cut like buttah for sure!

Die free said...

You are Back! Awesome

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Wildcat, look like you're about make a reese's tree when you hit that saddle in that photo of you xrossing.

N/A said...

Welcome back, Wildcat.


I like pie plates.

ubercurmudgeon said...

"American Fred-dom is now on the cusp of a great opportunity: To finally divorce itself from the influence of stupid Euro UCI road racing once and for all."

Frexit? I'm afraid Marine Le Pen already has that term trademarked. Fredsxit? Frexodus?

Grump said...

Snobby, you should stop making fun of Freds. After all, there are millions of Golf Freds who spend the same amount of money of their fetish, and Tennis Freds who spend similar amounts.....PS You should also stop making fun of people who race Criteriums. It's easy to delude yourself into thinking ..."This is the year all that Winter Training will counteract my lack of genetic ability".

JB said...

My motto is:

I like to ride my bicycle.
I don't care how fast other people ride their bicycles.

Fred Fredriksen said...

Lake Groves' tweet is a fine example of why I do not use twitter or facebook. Vacuous, self-absorbed use of time and technology.

Anonymous said...

Instead of "pro roadies," can we just call them "proadies?"

Anonymous said...

First time caller. Until today, I thought Rapha was a person. I need to read more better.

Hair Furor said...

Welcome back! And only one (minor) mention of me!

Hope you enjoyed the brake (disc or otherwise).

Pist Off said...

I saw a forum comment over at Velo Orange's blog that complained about non-racer "nerd bikes" like Rivendell. Apparently threaded steerers piss Freds off, which makes me like them even more. Get those handlebars up and you can see the cars trying to kill you, and probably even breathe better without your shoulders and torso bunched up. Pro bikes are stupid unless you're a pro.

Seattle lone wolf said...

I still like watching the TDF, but now for the scenery. The route is always great for that, and a lot of it really pops in high def. And chateau porn.

Riding the Throne Riding the Bike said...

"Some of you will get to come up here on this stage tonight and give a speech that the President of the United States will tweet about in all caps during his 5 a.m. bowel movement tomorrow”

What PSI do you think Trump exerts when riding the throne? Given the 24/7 scowl on his face the guy must have the worst case of hemorrhoids in history.

MoistInRaincouver said...

There was a follow-up video of the testing discs vs meat. I'm pro-disc, but those things made some sliced ham pretty easily, no bones about.

The Sultan of Petroleum said...

"...say goodbye to UCI road racing once and for all and let it ride off into obscurity into the middle east, where a bunch of depilated Euros riding around in circles make perfect playthings for oil-rich royal families..."

Oil rich families especially like to sit in their air conditioned lux boxes and watch them ride in the 120 degree heat.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Riding the Throne Riding the Bike @ 4:27, I can never decide if the scowl on Trump's face is because he is constipated or he is attempting to hold in some Santorum.

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

35st!

Frickus Rungus said...

How can Citibike afford to put frickin' laaaazers on every bike? Weren't they having financial trouble less than a year ago?
Ill tempered Fred says: I wanna frickin' laaaazer... (engages pouty face with arms crossed)

JLRB said...

This post isn't the real winner

Anonymous said...

I'd like to get me one of those Handjobs.

Anonymous said...

@JLRB 8:28

No, you are...

Anonymous said...

Are inventories of retail Fred bikes too high in the caliper brake variety, and too low in the disc brake variety, for the industry to allow the pros to ride and advertise the disc technology? Or is it pro teams' fear of the weight disadvantage of discs?

Motors should offset the weight penalty though.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Frickus Rungus, Citibank is banking on mein drumpf lowering corporate taxes and repealing Dodd-Frank.

Anonymous said...

One time at bike camp this girl gave me a haanjo right through my stretchy bike shorts.

I Am Always Right said...

Two of Trump's sons will be in Vancouver tomorrow for the opening of a 'T' branded tower. There will be protests. Sad.

Federico F. Fredriksen said...

I think my favorite thing about the UCI is the blatant disregard for rules by the race officials - Omloop Het Nieuwsblad sidewalk riding, anyone? If the UCI really wanted to enforce the no riding on sidewalks thing, they'd host races exclusively in NYC, Australia, and other cycling utopias. Riders earning $20,000 per year would definitely think twice before risking getting tackled by an overweight police officer and being handed an $800 fine for riding on the sidewalk.

bad boy of the north said...

I like that no shoes were damaged during the commentary.i also saw your new sponser and picked up a latin women online.wifey didn't like it.

McFly said...

That is a sad mounting technique.

Just lie down vertically and let the bike get on top of you.

dop said...

You forgot the obligatory triguys pratfall video..

Saw a Citobike with the lazerlight..it made my citibike look like a bike

bad boy of the north said...

geez!i meant sponsor.i know.too late.

Petter Cottontail said...

Can't wait for Reese's Limited Edition Easter Bunny themed treats, why they look just like little round balls.

Dear NEA the Trumper sez no mo dough for you said...

So the Tesla is driving past a statue of a giant erection. Must be some liberal female zip code; Tesla and erotic art, all that's missing is a hip coffee shop. Liberal males like staring at Georgia O'Keeffe flower paintings.

dancesonpedals said...

Georgia O'Keeffe Personal Ads:

Man with stamen seeks woman with pistil. Intention: Pollination

Georgia O'Keeffe missed Connections:

We glanced at each other on the L...you had a print of a GO'K orchid.. I said wasn't it funny that stamen rhymes with Semen...you smiled and looked at the stains on my pants 'genes on your jeans?' you got off at the next stop but I continued on my way to the orthodontist