Tuesday, February 28, 2017

More is better.

Why does everybody love this Peter Sagan interview so much?



Apparently I'm the only bike dork in the world who watched it and then spent the rest of the day sick in bed with the douche-chills.

Phil Gaimon even called it "refreshing:"
Yeah, that was about as refreshing as a glass of warm milk.

I'm sure I talked to my parents and teachers like that when I was a teenager, and if I could travel back in time and punch myself in the face for cultivating an infuriating air of "couldn't-be-bothered"-ness I certainly would:


Indeed, I'm reminded of my own painfully laconic post-jet ski interview back in 1986:


I used to do my best to keep my hair limp and greasy-looking but I was powerless against the potent combination of wind and salt water which caused the whole mess to go POOF! in an instant.  This is why I generally used to avoid the beach at all costs.  (Now it's a non-issue as I'm rapidly running out of hair, so instead I avoid the beach because my many moles threaten to boil over into melanoma.)

Alas, even the surliest teen cannot resist the siren song of a whiny personal watercraft, and so I briefly sacrificed my carefully-curated image during that fateful family trip to Florida--but you can be sure I tamed the mane and resumed my desultory skateboarding in the shopping center parking lot that very afternoon.

You now know every single thing about me.

Thank the Benevolent Lobster on High I finally grew into a dignified adult:


(Blogger publishes book, thinks he accomplished something.)

If I went back in time to punch my teenage self I'd also stop to knee this guy in the "pants yabbies" on the return trip to 2017.

Speaking of youth, do you remember learning how to ride a bicycle?  Maybe not if you're Dutch or something, in which case you emerged from the womb astride a bike.  (Ouch.)

However, if you're an American born in the last century you no doubt learned how to ride using training wheels--or "stabilisers" as the British call them because: 1) they need to have a different word for everything; and B) they're deathly afraid of using the letter "z" (so they call it "zed" to rob it of its power).  Anyway, I mean these things:



Of course, training wheels are now hopelessly out of style, and the sort of progressive parents who ride cargo bikes to food co-ops would sooner smoke cigarettes around their children then place them on such a contraption.  Instead, now the politically correct learning apparatus is the balance bike, because it has a minimalist design and the idea comes from Europe--plus, now Yuba will sell you a cargo balance bike:


One can only imagine cities full of smug little imps in wool caps pushing themselves along on these things while shod in baby Birkenstocks and sucking on organic food packets.

All it needs is a "One Less Big Wheel" sticker.

Anyway, as the parent of human children I've employed both the balance bike and the training wheels as learning tools.  (Basically I order them to ride the balance bike, and if they refuse or do it poorly I beat them with the training wheels.)  Both have their uses, since the balance bike teaches, well, balance, while the training wheels allow them to focus on the mechanics of pedaling.  And in the end it really doesn't matter which you choose, because just like reading or using the toilet eventually they figure out how to do it no matter what method you use.  (Current POTUS excluded, I don't think he can do either.)

Nevertheless, would-be entrepreneurs persist in their efforts to refine the learning-to-ride experience, and the latest attempt is the Dually Bike:


The incredible Dually Bikes dual wheel design was created by a retired tinkerer with the goal of teaching his grandson how to ride a bike without the aid of training wheels.  "Training wheels are useless," he said, "they don't teach a kid how to balance."

Okay, fine, but what's disturbing about this is that apparently these kids will continue riding Dually bikes into adulthood:


Even more disturbing is that the bicycle industry is going to love this idea.  Thanks to the popularity of fat bikes they can now charge you $130 for a single knobby tire that weighs as much as a Volkswagen.  Traction sells!  Now with the Dually they can sell you even more traction, and best of all you'll have to buy two rear tires for every one you used to have to buy for your now hopelessly outmoded fat bike!

Then once you're locked into the Dually system obviously they'll double the front wheel two for even more stability.

Pure genius.

67 comments:

Mike O. said...

Good morning Snob!

Bryan Bracy said...

podios

Kenny Banya said...

Yay

Ted K. said...

216. Some leftists may seem to oppose technology, but they will oppose it only so long as they are outsiders and the technological system is controlled by non-leftists. If leftism ever becomes dominant in society, so that the technological system becomes a tool in the hands of leftists, they will enthusiastically use it and promote its growth. In doing this they will be repeating a pattern that leftism has shown again and again in the past. When the Bolsheviks in Russia were outsiders, they vigorously opposed censorship and the secret police, they advocated self-determination for ethnic minorities, and so forth; but as soon as they came into power themselves, they imposed a tighter censorship and created a more ruthless secret police than any that had existed under the tsars, and they oppressed ethnic minorities at least as much as the tsars had done. In the United States, a couple of decades ago when leftists were a minority in our universities, leftist professors were vigorous proponents of academic freedom, but today, in those of our universities where leftists have become dominant, they have shown themselves ready to take away from everyone else’s academic freedom. (This is “political correctness.”) The same will happen with leftists and technology: They will use it to oppress everyone else if they ever get it under their own control.

dnk said...

Top of the pop

:Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Top Tentanus Scranus!

wishiwasmerckx said...

That dually sure would look good parked outside my double-wide trailer and next to my double-wide wife.

Grump said...

Making excuses is the American way. "I lost the sprint because I got boxed in"...."I didn't get the job because of the other guy's politics".....My wife left me because she caught me with a guy"....."I coulda been a contender".

N/A said...

Nice 'fro, bro!

Anonymous said...

The bike you're holding aloft has fenders on it. Backstory please.

I, too, loved the Sagan interview. Basically he's telling to interviewer to lighten up, it's only a bike race, geez, man, etc. Insider insouciance at its finest.

dnk said...

I once tried "popping a wheelie" to impress a girl who was riding by in the street.

To fully appreciate the dynamic, you should know that I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and she was in 6th grade. She was a Lunch Monitor at school, and I had a crush on her (hot, plus she wielded authority: doubly hot).

I wasn't yet old enough to ride in the street, so I yelled at her from the sidewalk and pulled my move.

My hands slipped off the bars, no doubt because I was nervously sweating. I landed backwards with my head on the concrete (this being the early 1970s, nobody ever heard of a bike helmet. And besides, streakers were running naked through the suburbs, a far greater threat to public health).

I cried and ran to mom. The hot Lunch Monitor from 6 grade didn't miss a beat and kept on going down the street.

I don't know what brought that on. Maybe the Peter Sagan interview.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Instead of a Mattel V-rroom Motor, can I get that kid's dually bike with a toy rolling coal stack?

The dually concept will be fantastic for adults - one tire tubeless, one tubed, one for pavement, one for gravel. Maybe needs 2 wheels in front as well for a true 4x4!

Fnarf said...

My dad taught me how to ride a bike. On a gravel parking lot. I still have the scars.

tobeistobex said...

In the jet-ski picture, I thought your hair was a helmet! Wait, No Helmet!

Serial Retrogrouch said...

...Wildcat... I think if you go back in time to admonish your teenage self, you'll get kicked in the pants yabbies by him. He obviously wanted to be a rock star, and you went ahead and became a published author.

...I really advise against confronting your teenage self.

Pist Off said...

Some of the early 26" bikes for Iditarod had dually wheels. There is nothing new under the Fredly sun.

Brian Fitzgerald said...

Reminds me of this thing on BikeRumor the other day: https://www.bikerumor.com/2017/02/19/what-do-you-call-a-2000-watt-bullfrog-the-rungu-juggernaut/

Steely Danzig said...

Odds are the kid on the cargo strider is named either Liam, Jackson or Aiden.

Anonymous said...

That Sagan interview was awesome!

Reporter "give us something to write about"

Sagan: "No, what's your problem, I can't win every race."

Chazu said...

That first pic of you reminds me of Phil Hartman's "SASSY!" skits.

Your writing is full of sass, too.

Chazu said...

I meant that as a compliment. The world needs more sass in prose form.

Pist Off said...

The strider kid would be named Cooper, Braden, or Taylor here

Anonymous said...

At what width does a dually become a tricycle?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Once a teenager named Weiss

humped a jetski twice.

The result of that fuck

was a canvasback duck,

two canoes

and a shitload of mice.

Anonymous said...

"Apparently I'm the only bike dork in the world who watched it and then spent the rest of the day sick in bed with the douche-chills.

Phil Gaimon even called it "refreshing:"


Evidence suggests Sagan does not care if anyone finds his interview chill inducing, refreshing, or anything else.

Anonymous said...

You Americans and insistence on not using proper English and getting into a tizz about it...

I propose an new and instantly popular olympic event, Shooting jet skiers. Removes a great curse on society in one fell swoop.

Colossus

They used to call me Fred (really). said...

Reminds me of the razor "wars," adding more blades to outdo one another.

N/A said...

WIWM @ 12:18,

Hahaha!

Mike in Dallas said...

"All it needs is a "One Less Big Wheel" sticker."

GOLD SNOBBY! GOLD!

Bryan said...

I plan on making future offspring balance bikes. I will hand curate them by removing the crank and saying here ya little bastards go. You can have this crank back when you can balance yourself as good as the winner of a trackstand competition

Kenny Banya said...

Robert Smith+jet skiing=Jesus and Mary Chain.

N/A said...

I never let my kids anywhere near a bike. Sweet Lob a'mighty, do you know what kind of nut jobs ride those things?

N/A said...

Also, I can see that I made the right choice by banning jet skis, as well.

Dirk Montero said...

Shouldn't that be "One Big Wheel Fewer"? I would expect the majority of Yuba owners to prefer proper usage. It's no more elitist than riding a cargo bike!

Anonymous said...

Nice Oregon Manifest T-shirt!

McFly said...

I tried that with my dad when I was a teen and he was like "WHEN I ASK YOU A GOD DAMN QUESTION YOU ANSWER IT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME YOU UNGRATEFUL SHIT?"

yes sir

dancesonpedals said...

BSNY: Madonna called from 1985 & she wants her bush back.

Billy said...

Double the front wheel, put an engine in it, slap a hyundai logo on the front, and then offer to lease it to you for the low-low price of $300 a month! They might be on to something with that.

Powerbar Farts said...

I bet your butt crack hair looks like that now.

Matt said...

Snobby, not that your posts aren't pretty great, but your commenters kick ASS! I like to just cruise down the comments chuckling and chuckling...others here at work are always peeking at me, wondering what I'm up to. Life is good!

All Hail Zed said...

It's calling the letter "z" "zee" that robs it of its power.

Calling it "zed" accords it the respect it deserves as the final letter in the alphabet. It has a magisterial air of finality, (like a gavel being thumped upon a big chunky oak desk). Try it: "x, y, zee..." See? It just dribbles out to an inconclusive end.

"x, y, zed", on the other hand... well, there's the alphabet's door being slammed shut right in your face.

Plus, "zed" sounds all sci-fi-ish. Like "zog", but classier.



Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

I don't care how many wheels are on my bike, I am still highly unstable.

Spruce Willis said...

Zed's dead, baby.

Drock said...

Sweet hair, yours not peter. That dually thing been around here for some time, I prefer skinny tires pumped way up for my youths, ain't got weeks trying to teach

BeerDrivenCyclist said...

45st? "Pants yabbies". Pure literary gold I say.

bieks said...

Seriously, Peter Sagan's going to have to do a lot better. Meanwhile I'll be watching billiards.

Some guy from upstate said...

Dually bike, huh?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dodge_Tomahawk

Die free said...

Anonymous @ 11:27 wanted to hear about the fender bike you were holding over your head, I concur.

Obviously, not the bike model for the art on the cover of your latest book...

Arizona hillbilly said...

I remember the first time I heard a Canadian refer to a "240 Zed". All I wanted to know was what planet had produced such a farmer...

Vegas Odds 50-50 said...

Did our Babble get arrested in Van C protesting the new Rump Tower opening today?

Zodiac said...

Gas started started exploding out of my rectum the second The Rumpald started speaking. Coincidence? I don't think so, so the math man.

BrummyB said...

Sagan a douche? For that interview? No way. I'm a cynical barnacle myself, but Sagan is not a douche, and especially not for that interview. Shove a huge green sponge in your face after 200 km and intimate that "going wide" cost you the race? Yeah . . .

BrummyB said...

Sagan a douche? For that interview? No way. I'm a cynical barnacle myself, but Sagan is not a douche, and especially not for that interview. Shove a huge green sponge in your face after 200 km and intimate that "going wide" cost you the race? Yeah . . .

leroy said...

My dog read today's post and observed "if only there were a blog one could read while using the toilet."

Of course I know he's not serious.

He doesn't use the toilet.

Anonymous said...

Lots of controversy over disc rotors severing body parts... what about the dangers posed by training wheels?

Anonymous said...

That Sagan interview made my dinner come back up.

One thing I don't understand is why the cycling industry insists on printing it's logos on baseball caps. We're not playing baseball. We're cycling. Use cycling caps.

JLRB said...

Scranus

SKIN DUST said...

I'm glad you told me that was you with the personal watercraft, as it looked like my pal Emily in the mid-80s. I'm also glad I don't have such hair issues.
Only cascades of tiny skin flakes dusting my shoulders and back.

HAIR HLMT said...

@tobeistobex
Hair Helmet

dancesonpedals said...

I didn't know Sagan was one of the Hansen brothers.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

Snobs, you see what you get for bad mouthing Arab princes??? I bet you can't even read that the above is a death threat.

Anonymous said...

you look at that jet ski picture and you think "here is a guy who will never go bald". Life is not fair.

Anonymous said...

speaking of bikes for a milestone birthday I splurged (sorry I didn't mean to it on you) and purchased a Moots Vamoots DR. I've been riding it for a couple months now and I can say without a doubt it is by far the best bike I've ever ridden. If you're in the market for a new bike, consider one. I plan to ride this off into the sunset and since it is metal, it should last.

Anonymous said...

It's kinda like Peter had been sleeping since the last race of last season and somebody just woke him up and said "Peter, it's the new season! there's a race" so, since he just woke up how could he expect to win? He's still rubbing the Eye boogers out! - mas

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Keep this in mind snobbo when you're looking at yourself in the mirror:

God only made so many perfect heads. The rest he put hair on.

streepo said...

nice bush.

bad boy of the north said...

Snob stars in "bike to the future".