Thursday, December 1, 2016

This Post Is Self-Lubricating

First of all, we haven't discussed this:
No hands?  No helmet?  On an old mountain bike with cantis and thumb shifters?

Not only is Kenny okay in my book, but he's about a thousand times cooler than Russell Crowe:


I guess when you're from the Antipodes it's hard to shake off the shackles of bike-dorkdom.

Moving on, after two days of heavy rain the sun is shining upon us once again:


Though as I headed out this morning I was dismayed to discover that my chain was a bit noisy.  Oh sure, I'd lubed it after my rainy ride on Tuesday, but evidently it could have used another slathering.

Clearly I need one of these:
Yes, it's the automatic chain lubricator of your wettest, most Fredliest dreams:


Always forgetting to oil your chain before or after a ride? Take away the hassle with the Flaer Revo Via, an automatic lube dispensing system that oils your chain as you’re riding along and is claimed by the company to “significantly increase the power transmitted through the drivetrain to the rear wheel” by a heady 12 watts. 

Heady indeed--assuming "heady" means "fictional," since a study revealed that chain lube has little effect on bicycle drivetrain efficiency.  (The study is even cited in the story about the chain lube device.)

So really, the worst thing about forgetting to lube your chain is that you might have to hear sounds from it until you can scrounge some White Lightning from a bike shop (they love when you do that I'm sure) or surreptitiously rub your chain on Mario Cipollini's unctuous limbs:


Yes, by rolling your bike past Cipo and allowing your drivetrain to graze his glistening calves you can keep your chain noise-free for up to a year--for free!

Nevertheless, according to the company that makes the auto-squirt, they know it works because they've conducted "extensive testing:"

The company tells us it purchased a Chain Efficiency Tester that is apparently one of only three in the world and with this, it conducted its own extensive testing.

“It is impossible to achieve a 100% efficiency through a drive train, there will always be a discrepancy between what you put in at the cranks and what you get out at the rear hub,” says Flaer’s Andy Parker. “However, what we are able to do is keep these losses to a bare minimum, approx. 5 watts. This is where any chain that has been appropriately lubricated would be at the beginning of a ride. Where the Revo Via provides a performance advantage is, it can keep you at this 5 watt level for the duration of your ride.”

Hmmm, let's see: a special device that totally and conveniently validates their absurd claims?  Isn't that basically the idea behind an E-meter?


Indeed, the gap between Fred-dom and Scientology is rapidly closing, and at this point I'm not sure there's much difference between a custom-tailored training program and an auditing course.

And if special rare devices aren't enough to convince you that you need a chain lubing device on your bike, there's also this chart:


You're probably one of those poor schmucks using "other lubricants," and applying them at home instead of while in motion.  Silly you.  See how low you are on the chart?  Don't you want to be all the way up at the red line where the Revo Auto-Sploodge 2000 is?  Come on, get with the program already!  Plus, it doesn't sound like something that would be a pain in the ass at all:

The Revo Via comprises a small control module and fluid reservoir that can be attached to the down tube of the bike, and a short hose then runs along the chainstay to the dispensing unit which is attached to the rear mech. The whole setup adds 121g before you add any fluid, with a maximum of 27ml of fluid in the system. Refill intervals range from 7.5 to 37.5-hours depending on the frequency, and this will depend on the riding conditions. The system is powered by a battery and run time is 150 hours. 

Best of all, it only costs a mere £250 to catheterize your bicycle, though I suppose now's the time to buy one given the favorable post-Brexit vote exchange rate.

Though I'll probably wait for the gravel version:


In other news, if you've got any money left over after purchasing your Ejac-U-Tron 9000 make sure to help fund the USA Grand Tour, since they've only got another month to raise $1.3 million:
Clearly they've really thought this thing through:

The USA Grand Tour will be a race like the Tour De France, The Giro D'Italia and the Vuelta Espagna. Each of these 21 day stage races, or Grand Tours, is designed to showcase the country in which they are held, the products which sponsor the race, and to push the 198 or so riders to their very limits. The enormity of the race logistics and the secondary nature of bicycle racing here in America has made such an undertaking unthinkable. ..until now.

We've entered a new era where the growth of cycling participation and spectating in America is exploding! As a result of that growth it's time America stands up on the world stage and demonstrates how WE do a Grand Tour!

No it isn't.

And the video's not helping:



"Professional bicycle racing means many things to many people: Incredible speed that you can reach out and touch..."


Yeah, please don't reach out and touch the speed, it makes them crash.

"...and sensational triumphs:"



I'm not sure that's the photo I'd use to accompany the phrase "sensational triumphs."  Chris Horner's biological passport smells fishier than the Dumpster behind a Long John Silver's.

Bike fighting, on the other hand, could very well be the sport America needs NOW, and a commenter on yesterday's post was kind enough to share this article about on-the-bike self-defense:

This studio is the only one in the world with a defense program catered specifically to cyclists. The Krav Maga For Cyclists workshop, a three-hour hands-on tutorial on principles and special techniques, was a response to a rash of attacks against bikers in the city throughout the early 2000s.

Yes, your bicycle can be a weapon, as many triathletes know all too well:


Bike Attack

In most situations, the bike is your friend, you should not leave that friend behind unless absolutely necessary (more on that below). In addition to being a partial shield when you’re off the bike and a trusty escape vehicle, it can also be a weapon.

If your attacker(s) is (are) in front of you, you can pull the bike onto the rear wheel so that your front wheel is in the air with your hands still on the handlebars. Engage the rear brake (right hand), to keep the bike firmly planted. Thrust your arms out, using the front wheel to jab at your assailants.

With the rear wheel planted, you can swivel the bike, keeping it between you and the attackers. As soon as you have an opening, drop the front wheel, run forward and re-mount the bike.

Question: when you're pummeling your opponent in the face with your front wheel, what pressure should you be running?

Also, you may be forced to throw your bike to the wolves, turn tail, and flee for your life:



When To Ditch The Bike

In almost every scenario when you are confronted by a single attacker, keep your bike. But if there are multiple assailants from coming from different angles, let go of the bike and focus on protecting yourself. The bike may be the most valuable item on your person, so surrendering it may “buy” you a way out. Nothing is more precious than your life.

Nothing is more precious than your life?  Really?  Clearly the author has never ridden a CUSTOM RODE BIEK:


As far as I'm concerned Larry Olmsted remains the greatest cycling writer of all time.

Anyway, I enjoyed the bike-fighting article, but I could have done with an in-depth analysis of what the best frame material is for a weaponized bike.  Do you want the lateral stiffness and vertical compliance of crabon?  The supple reliability of steel?  Or the pleasant springiness of titanium?

Though in the right hands even high-tensile steel can yield high performance:



Lastly, here's a tragic instance of life imitating Super Mario Bros.:


Investigators found no evidence that another vehicle was involved. An autopsy showed that Kervin's head trauma was consistent with falling off his bicycle.

The turtle survived the crash with a small crack in the bottom of its shell. It crawled away with minor injuries.

No mention of whether the victim was wearing a helmet, but they do point out the turtle was wearing a shell.

69 comments:

Anonymous said...

KOC

Fourhourerection said...

Podium!

James said...

third

Watch and Camera Guy said...

Just missed...

Frickus Rungus said...

Hi-ya! Karate chop!

Anonymous said...

I just realized I look like Russell Crowe, a.k.a. The Crowbar. He is notorious for stealing other men's women.
The Sklar Brothers say that Krav Maga is the only time it is acceptable to use the term, "Jewed him down."

N/A said...

I lube my chain after riding in the rain. If you leave it plain, you will not be able to effectively train.

Anonymous said...

I'd like a big honkin plate of saucy l'Espagna please.

Ted K. said...

193. The kind of revolution we have in mind will not necessarily involve an armed uprising against any government. It may or may not involve physical violence, but it will not be a POLITICAL revolution. Its focus will be on technology and economics, not politics. [32]

Fourhourerection said...

Oh, come on. Where's the peloton?

Anonymous said...

11rd

Frickus Rungus said...

Do you think there is a market for kung-fu related attachments that screw into the threads on the sole of mountain bike shoes? Instead of boring plastic spikes, you could have ninja stars or nunchucks. Whats the Israeli army equivalent of a nunchuck?
Kickstarter?

dem_bieks! said...

Some guy wants 1 million dollars for a bike race and won't even use his name.
..
....
......
Now that I've thought about it, I'd be to embarrassed to use my real name to promote a bazillion dollar biek race too.

He should fund a monorail instead. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taJ4MFCxiuo

dem_bieks! said...

too! not to.

HightechLobster said...

Jackie Chan and I share the same conundrum - we each lost a seat once.

JLRB said...

the E-meter "by itself does nothing"

Ted K - rerun from yesterday, no? Did your bot revolt against technology?

Drock said...

Bike judo got my power meter all jacked up, bio pace ring is shuttering with anxiety. I'm carrying chain whip at all times. What's your fighting pressure at?????

Anonymous said...

Self-lubing bikes were the rage in the 1930s. Plug the seat tube above the bottom bracket, fill with oil and Bob's your uncle.

https://www.flickr.com/photos/68123172@N03/6199033883/in/album-72157627790534336/

Freds know no timeline.

N/A said...

My standard schtick would be to mention how Specialized is developing a Judo-bike, but honestly I think that would be more of a Giant thing.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Fartley Davidson had an automatic chain oiler back in the 20's or 30's.

Chan is great. I always enjoyed the outtakes at the end of his movies that show his failed attempts at stunts.

ANTI PODE
BIKE DORK
FRED -DOM
KRAV MAGA

Buffalo Bill said...

Wow, Kenny G in sambas, scientology gear porn and Jackie Chan all in one post.
You're firing on all cylinders today snob.

Dirk Montero said...

Let's talk about that chain luber, shall we?

First: Rohloff, of the world's greatest internal gear hubs, had a product like this years ago and subsequently discontinued it: https://www.rohloff.de/en/products/lubmatic/index.html

Second: Thank you, thank you, thank you, for relating the company's pseudo-science to Scientology! I've recently taken to calling homeopathy "holyopathy", because you are basically buying small bottles of holy water that have been blessed by a holyopathic priest via anointment with herbs, dilution, and an elaborate shaking ritual. Now I can ridicule people buying into the latest Fred breakthrough with something like "You're right! It's been scientologically proven that it makes you faster!"

Finally: that efficiency graph. Did anyone else notice that it has NO HORIZONTAL AXIS? Of course, we are to assume the power loss is in relation to time, but how much time? One ride? The life of the bike? The life of the solar system? If it takes a billion years for those efficiency losses to become noticeable, I might just stick with Other Lubricants for the time being. BUT: maybe the horizontal axis represents chain deflection! In that case, those of us running singlespeed bikes (or Rohloff hubs, cough cough) have no reason to upgrade! Maybe that's why Rohloff got out of the auto-lubing business in the first place!

Of course, XKCD sums this all up in a few panels: https://xkcd.com/833/

I apologize for the lack of hyperlink embed. I never mange to get it right.

Grump said...

A few years ago, while visiting my kid on the West Coast, I was attacked by some Surfer dude who knew little of the laws of physics. He must have thought that if he "shouldered" me, I would fall on my rear. I just leaned into him at the last second, and sent him to the ground, with a sound like a 200 pound of dog excrement.
PS. Adding White Lightning to an oil based lube will make a crazy mess.



N/A said...

I am "pro" podes, for the record.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

25th Scrani!!!!

Victor Kaminski said...

vsk said ...

I just saw a Mercier with a model name of Galaxy painted Celeste Green.

There's got to be some violations there ...

vsk

Plutarco said...

MORE JACKIE CHAN!

Synonymous said...

JLRB 2:08

I'm sure Ted K thought 193 bears repeating. It was a goodie. Only 39 points to go in the Ted K fredifesto, unless he's going to regale us with the 16 footnotes.

I'm SO lubed.

Bryan said...

I just buy lube by the half gallon with a pump handle from the adult store, duct tape it to my seat tube and use my heal to squirt it out on the chain. It also works if I meet up with some hottie while riding and we wanna get it on.

Lieutenant Oblivious said...

Should one be in the small ring and run dick breaks if one wants to wreak maximum wreckage on one's attacker when pulling the self-defense Ninja wheelie?

I prefer the meat L'Espagna to the vegetable L'Espagna when given a choice.

Being a true fred is also a Holistic experience, you can really get your hole opened buying all the newest, latest and greatest re-hash of what was tried 30 or 50 years earlier!

le Correcteur said...

Come on, isn't Indiegogo going to pull that USA Grand Tour fundraiser? It's beyond lame.

Maybe could get Trumpster to fund it, and we could have the Make America Great Again Grand tour: the MAGAGT!

nscadu 9 said...

everything I need to know about bike attacks I learned from this kid
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNEP-hzt7n8

Pathetic Old Cyclist said...

Cipo has an automatic chain lubricating device he calls "The Jizz Drizzler"

1904 Cadardi said...

The Fred-oiler adds 121 grams to the bike BEFORE filling it with chain lube. Is there a crabon version, or do they offer a special lightweight oil?

It takes me a couple of years to go through a small bottle of chain lube. How lubed up does a chain need to be? Dry, moist, damp, soaking, Cippolini?

Sax Huret said...

"Why You Need A Custom Road Bike, But My Wife Should Just Deal With Her Jamis"

ken e. said...

so much comedy gold i walked away with a bucket-full!

leroy said...

Heady Watts? I you sure they didn't mean Hedley?

Fredder said...

Loved the video clip. What film was it from?

YOU'RE the bike-dork said...

You're a racist Snobby.

Firstly, Russel Crowe was born in New Zealand so it's not fair to blame all of the Antipodes for him and secondly, all these preposterous products and Kickstarter follies aimed at enticing the bike dork to part with their monies -- how many of them originate in this (from your bigoted perspective, Antipodean) part of the world? Huh, how many?

That's right, practically none. It's primarily the US, sometimes the UK and very occasionally some Euro trash country that hucksters out most that bike dork crap.

So just watch yourself, racist!

YOU'RE the bike-dork said...

Oh, and that Jackie Chan video?

It's 'forbidden in this territory'.

Racist scum!

JLRB said...

Two Antipodes walk into a bar ...

dancesonpedals said...

South County Trailway Turtles Wear Helmets

ken e. said...


SUPR COP!

Anonymous said...

You can always count on Cipo for instant comic relief. Unlike that stinky little monkey from Aladdin.

Anonymous said...

People should really learn what "enormity" means before using it.

Dooth said...

Everybody Was Bike Fu fighting. Play it, G.

Ric said...

One man's Automatic Chain Lubing Devise is another man's Automatic Grit Injector.
When Sheldon Brown quotes Jobst Brandt, you know it's got to be good:
http://www.sheldonbrown.com/brandt/chain-care.html

Anonymous said...

Jeeesh! Use internal gears and encase the chain in proper chaincase like Sunbeam used to make and you may never need to relube a chain again.

Wall E

Some guy from upstate said...

My old Triumph had an automatic chain oiler. There was a line from the oil tank with a little screw to adjust how much oil dribbled on the chain. Almost everyone disconnected them, since it was kind of redundant considering how much oil leaked out a typical British motorcycle.

Hill Slayer said...

"22 days of riding for men, and 14 for women." That numskull is just afraid of his head imploding if all genders competed together and a woman actually beat him. Which we would. He also seems to forget men aren't the only ones with all that money he wants.

Ah well. I'm sure he'll figure something out.

Bogusboy said...

121 grams? Totally unacceptable!

dancesonpedals said...

I think bike fighters should follow hockey players example. Lose the bike (and cleats) as fast as they drop their gloves

Oilcan Harry said...

To save weight, I use graphite oil on my chain. Could there be a problem if it comes in contact with a carbon frame?

Persia said...

Rusty Crowe is a New Zealander when he's being a goose and an Australian when he's being a great actor.

Same sorta thing applies to Mel Gibson, only substitute Yank for New Zealander.

Persia said...

Here's some more Australian stuff to outrage you, Snobbie:

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/drunk-cyclists-and-pedestrians-could-be-causing-scores-of-car-crashes-every-year-20161201-gt22fn.html

I had to laugh at this line

"....subject to the same road rules as drivers."

Holy Roller said...

I bless my chain with anointing oil, it contains myrrh, cinnamon and molybdenum.
It also lasts for all eternity.
Amen!

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Anonymous said...

I have always cleaned and lubed my chain this way: sheldonbrown.com/chainclean.html

I'm almost done cleaning my November chain.

Helmet Head said...

Don't know why the Antipodeans are bickering over the NZ/AUS differences. The Mandatory Dork Law applies in both countries doesn't it?

bike bum said...

ever been to bali seen all those pissed yobos singin ozi ozi ozi oi etc. they are actually kiwis giving aussies a bad name..... been doing it for years

SoFlo'd said...

New!!! Cipo "Goooo" provides transcendent velo experience... made from the finest Italian organic honey and Australian white silica, you will wonder how you could ride without it ever again... www.cipostuffizzbella.com Beee Amazing...

ITALO SLEAZE said...

Kenny G look f***ing great!!!!

McFly said...

The "G" stands for gynecologist cuz Kenny got the coochie coming at him on a schedule.

DeWayne Stark said...

When I raced speedway motorcycles we used a primary chain oiler that dripped on the chain. The main drive chain was lubed before and after the race. Speedway motorcycles do not have brakes, no transmissions and you use the clutch for leaving the line. The primary chains tend to get hot and the oil drip helps the chain stay intact.

Anonymous said...

When I raced my ego without brakes i always won

Unknown said...

Some of Cipollini's unique qualities are visually self-evident, but I often wonder: is he really that much more unctuous than a hundred other professional cyclists? What accounts for Snob's obsession?

Anonymous said...

Just catching up... this post is brilliant. Thank you Snobby!

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