Plus the sooner we clear these out the sooner we can all brainstorm on the next design, which will absolutely not be yet another rehashing of 1980s hardcore music scene imagery:
(For maximum irony wear under a helmet.)
Though incorporating the Sky Penis is oddly tempting:
I bought that record in Washington, DC when I was visiting a camp friend Lob knows how many years ago now. For some reason a flying phallus autographed by the lead singer of the Meatmen seemed like something I had to have, and unfortunately Tipper Gore and the PMRC totally failed to stop me because I've been suffering from buyer's remorse ever since.
In other news, killer drivers are an epidemic in New York City, but their days are numbered because the Department of Transportation is about to unleash a dusk-related traffic safety campaign:
In the latest instance, a 58-year-old woman was fatally struck by a Metropolitan Transportation Authority bus on Friday evening as she walked in Lower Manhattan. The bus driver was arrested and charged with failure to yield to a pedestrian, according to the police.
As a result, the administration of Mayor Bill de Blasio will announce on Thursday a new $1.5 million “dusk and darkness” safety campaign that will include radio and television advertisements, signs on buses, and billboards to warn drivers as well as pedestrians to be more careful, especially at that time of day. In addition, the police will target drivers during those hours who speed, fail to yield to pedestrians, text on cellphones or block bike lanes.
It's abundantly clear that the city has finally given up on this whole Vision Zero thing once and for all. $1.5 million to remind people it's harder to see when it's dark outside? Why not make it an even $2 million and also remind them of some more obvious shit, like that it's a good idea to use the bathroom before leaving the house. And why focus on dusk? Drivers don't see pedestrians and cyclists at any time or under any conditions. If it's morning they can't see from sun glare. If it's nighttime they can't see because the cyclist or pedestrian isn't coated in Volvo LifePaint. If it's the middle of the afternoon they can't see their victims because their victims are too short.
After all, it's always dark out when you've got your head completely up your ass.
Of course, if safety campaigns don't save us then the gig economy will, because soon you'll be able to make big, big bucks by operating a portable washing machine for bicycles:
Why clean your bicycle with a garden hose or a simple bucket and brush when you can subject it to this wacky contraption instead? Though I will admit that if you rolled up to a cyclocross race in an A Team van and set up one of these things you'd make an absolute killing:
The only thing cyclocross racers like more than curating tire pressure journals is kitsch.
Just keep in mind that the bicycle washing machine is not gravel compatible, and should any gravel find its way into the inner workings of the machine it will explode in a hail of shrapnel killing everyone in a 50 foot radius.
No, to wash your gravel bike you'll need the $50,000 Gravelizer Wash-O-Matic 2000™:
It uses proprietary environmentally friendly 100% smug dry cleaning solvents that won't delaminate your crabon frame or infiltrate your hydraulic braking system, and it's fully pressurized to prevent tire pressure fluctuation and dropper post malfunction.
Speaking of smugness, if you look up "smug" in the dictionary you'll see this picture of Chris Froome, who's been all over noted smoker and asthmatic Bradley Wiggins for his TUE abuse:
Having previously said the process was “open to abuse,” Froome went further in Japan on Friday, demanding that the World Anti-Doping Agency hire independent doctors to examine cyclists.
“I’d certainly like to see the whole process reviewed,” the Briton told AFP on the eve of the Tour de France’s Saitama Criterium race, where he faces a strong field that includes two-time defending world champion Peter Sagan.
Though of course Froome himself has been known to avail himself of a TUE or two on occasion:
Froome himself was revealed by the Fancy Bears hackers to have been issued two TUE certificates for prednisolone, which is used to treat a variety of inflammatory and autoimmune conditions.
As well as to hit the ol' inhaler mid-race:
And yes, it would appear that prednisolone is performance-enhancing:
From these data, short-term Pred intake did seem to significantly improve performance during submaximal exercise, with concomitant alterations in hormonal and metabolic responses. Further studies will be necessary to elucidate the mechanisms of these hormonal and metabolic changes, and to determine whether the changes may be associated with the marked performance improvement obtained.
So there you go.
Lastly, common belief holds that the left wing loves bikes and the right wing hates them, but the truth is that no two philosophies are incompatible, and indeed you can be both a Trump supporter and a sanctimonious cyclist:
He then moves on to cyclists' rights:
Asserting that cyclists are human beings:
Though this is not true in all cases:
Nor is this:
I'm sure there are plenty of cyclists who are loved by nobody:
Then he invokes the three-foot rule:
For some reason the three-foot rule never came up in any of the presidential debates, but it's the first question I'd ask of any Supreme Court nominee...
...after #whatgavelyourunning of course.
(Rivendell's gavel eschews the carbon fiber construction and dropper shafts that have become standard across the industry.)